An Epic Loss ((Finn))

[Merrick Marr]

Merrick slammed the lid down on his trunk. Not even bothering to use magic to do anything as he packed up his belongings. There was only so much a person could take before their physical need to get out frustration overpowered them. That’s what Merrick was. He was angry, upset, frustrated, disappointed, and fearful…mostly because there was no telling if everything was perfect now. They said he was fine, but that didn’t stop him from believing that things were not fine. A part of him wondered if this was all some kind of joke, if everything that had happened the last two weeks was really just all some nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. Of course it wasn’t a nightmare, idgit. It really did happen. Merrick put a hand to his head as the world started to rush up to meet him. He still wasn’t fully recovered. A part of him wondered if he ever would be the same or if something had definitely come loose in his head as a result of what happened.

A soft rapping at the door pulled Merrick from his musings. Deep blue eyes settled on the form of his father at the door. The look on his father’s face spoke volumes to him, but Merrick didn’t feel like asking what the status was of his school situation. For a long time Merrick’s only concern in life was Quidditch. It was his greats dream, the love of his life…but now…now it was nothing more than broken dreams and painful memories. Merrick couldn’t stand there and look at his father’s fallen face, the disappointment, the sorrow…..the pity that radiated off him was far too much for Merrick. ”It’s not the end of the world, son. His father’s words were strained and unconvincing. There was no hiding the horror his father was feeling at losing a dream for his son…in, ironically, the same way he had lost his own dream. Maybe it was a curse upon the Marr name, or maybe it was just irony. Two great men that lived only for Quidditch had both found a means to an end through Quidditch. Now they would both have to deal with the loss of something they loved.

A pounding began in the sides of Merrick’s temples, screaming through his sensitive skull. Synapses were firing inside his brain and a part of him wondered if some of those synapses were damaged like he felt they were. Maybe there was some part of him that would never recover, never allow him to be what he wanted to be. He needed a miracle to say the least and that didn’t look like it was going to happen anytime in the near future…or ever again. A large hand touched his shoulder and Merrick looked up at his father, nodding in reluctance as he picked up his bag. His father took it quickly, not allowing Merrick to even handle such a simple task. As they walked out the door of room 34, on the ground floor of St. Mungos Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, Merrick’s father drew his attention with a few words about his schooling situation. Merrick would rather have remained oblivious to the situation at the moment, but his father felt it was in his right to try and cheer Merrick up with the good news about what the Hogwarts Headmistress had decided. Merrick could have cared less.

As soon as they were out the door of St. Mungos Merrick stopped short. “I’ll meet you at home Father.” It was all Merrick had said and any other parent probably would have straight up told him no and kept him in a protective bubble for the next year, but Merrick’s father knew better, he’d been there himself. He nodded to Merrick and took off down the street for a safe place to Apparate, while Merrick did something he rarely ever did. Merrick walked with the muggles, not even caring to glance at them as he headed toward a place where his own kind would be. It was an unconscious walk, one he’d never made before, but yet he seemed to know exactly where he was going as his feet walked him through the entrance of the Leaky Cauldron. He wasn’t about to stop yet though as he continued through the back door, pulling out his wand and tapping the correct bricks to allow him entrance into Diagon Alley. There was only one place he wanted to go and that was Quality Quidditch Supplies. His eyes landed on the familiar sign and then the familiar window displaying the latest in broom technology. His heart flopped in his chest as he stared with longing at the window, his mind completely engrossed in his depressing thoughts, so much so that he didn’t hear the voice that called out to him, nor hear the footsteps that stopped short of him.

[Finn Miles H7]

It was a small list, but Finn had more than enough time to find all that he needed in Diagon Alley before having to head home for the summer. After arriving via the Hogwarts Express, Finn had decided he'd use the floo network from Diagon Alley after getting some last minute necessities that he could use for the summer. While he was at it, he figured he'd make a day of it since going home gave him nothing new or interesting to do. It just meant that he'd have to spend more time with his younger sisters. That was never much of a treat. He didn't hate them, but they could easily wear at his patience when stuck with them for a long period of time. Something about spending a day in Diagon Alley seemed a bit more fun than sitting around at home.

As he was walking, Finn went over the list of stores in his head that he planned to stop at. The first on his list was obviously the Quidditch supply store. What was a stop in Diagon Alley without checking out the newest offerings. As he approached the store, he quickly recognized the back of a familiar figure. At first though, he thought it was just his mind playing a trick on him. Finn hadn't seen Merrick in at least three weeks. He was starting to wonder if the Slytherin had disappeared. Rumors had been going around that he was in a Quidditch accident, but Finn had no way to confirm anything. Rather, he had spent the past twenty days or so theorizing the many different reasons to justify Merrick's disappearance. Now though, he wouldn't have to. Merrick was standing right there, and Finn couldn't help but find it a relief to see him again. After all, their last encounter had been awkward at best. Finn was eager to see if Merrick was still going to act civil, or if it had all been just a fluke.

"He Marr!" he shouted, coming up from behind Merrick. In the reflection of the window, Finn could see the troubled look on Merrick's face. "Where the hell have you been for the past two weeks or so? I heard you almost died playing Quidditch." He had more questions, but he didn't want to bombard Merrick with a slew of inquisitions. "I had thought you left the school for good. Well, I mean, I guess you did leave for good, seeing as though it's now the end of your seventh year. Must feel great... the freedom, that is." Finn stopped talking. Merrick's initial silence was somewhat unnerving. "Ummm... glad you see you're alright though. Heading to the big leagues now?" Finn was referring to professional Quidditch, of course. There was no need to clarify himself for Merrick. It was assumed that he would understand. they were both standing in front of the Quidditch store of all places, and it was well known that they both came from Quidditch families.

[Merrick Marr]

The rustic blonde was lost in vivid memories and thoughts as he stood in front of the window. There was no point in going inside anymore. There never would be a rational, justifying thought to allow for him to return to the inside of the Quidditch Supply store…not unless he felt the need to drudge up old painful memories. A sigh escaped his lips before he heard a voice call to him. The familiarity of the voice was unmistakable and Merrick felt a wave of vastly different emotions wash over him. It was an unlikely coincidence that they ran into each other now…here. Merrick wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay or just turn and disappear. A part of him wanted to talk to Miles, but the other part of him just wanted to hide his face away for as long as possible, to dwell in his self-pity until the world disappeared or until things got better…if that was even possible.

Instead of walking away like he wanted to his body turned toward Finn Miles instead. Merrick didn’t acknowledge Finn other than by facing him. For the most part Merrick just didn’t know what to say. Miles was just reminding him of everything that was going wrong in his life. Quidditch, school, freedom…all of that was out of his reaches now…at least for a good amount of time. His perfect year was ruined…not that it had been exactly perfect, but was that really the point? No. The point was that Merrick’s whole life had changed in two seconds and now he was left with the pieces to put back together.

Miles seemed to be floundering in his words…Merrick sighed again as he turned back to the store window. “I’m not heading to the big leagues…I have to finish my NEWTs,” it was all Merrick could really say. His voice was tense, but held more than a tinge of sadness to it. He wanted to just be grateful he was alive, but he couldn’t. Another sigh escaped his lips as a deeper part of his being forced him to explain, to not just give Miles the brush off like he would have to anyone else. “Sorry man…I just got out of St. Mungos.” Turning back he put on his classic nothing-can-bother-me smile. “Seems I can’t play Quidditch anymore due to my head injury. Another tap to the head could cause a blood clot. So my Quidditch days are over.” His words held too much brightness. Merrick didn’t want Miles to know how much it bothered him that his dreams were over.

[Finn Miles H7]

Though he didn't give an exact explanation, Merrick did confirm that it was a head injury that had been the cause of his disappearance. It didn't answer a lot of Finn's questions, but again, he didn't seem to find it appropriate to try to bombard Merrick with everything that he was wanting to know. Plus, at the mention of not being able to play Quidditch anymore, Finn instantly knew the frustration that had to have been eating at Merrick. "Damn, that sucks." There weren't many words that could say much more than that. Finn knew, from talking with him before, how much Quidditch meant to Merrick. And, from the sounds of it, this was a permanent thing. No Quidditch again... ever. Finn wasn't half as dedicated to the sport as Merrick, and that would have been devastating for him to have to accept.

A brief moment of silence passed between the two, Merrick not seeming very eager to break it. Though, who could blame him? Finn only knew the the smallest of what he was going through and it had even him silent. "So, you're finishing your N.E.W.T.s?" It was a question. Finn was trying to avoid questions. "I guess that means you'll be doing school work over the summer then. That's naff." He paused. Finn had known that Merrick would be leaving after his seventh year, but he hadn't expected it to come so quickly. And, after Merrick's mysterious disappearance, Finn had started to find himself missing their odd run-ins. Even if it hadn't been established that they were officially friends, for Finn it was seeming like they were.

Standing in front of the store a bit longer, Finn found himself wanting to say and ask a lot more, but he didn't. At least not at first. But then it just came spilling out. All of his thoughts, his questions, his feelings. They were like the pressure being released from a kinked waterline, spraying everywhere, out of control. "I was worried about you when you were gone. Wondered where you were, when you were coming back. I thought for a while that maybe you weren't coming back at all." His voice was quieter, but confident. Finn was never usually afraid to say what he was feeling. He didn't care what others thought, and he prided himself on speaking the truth. "I was starting to get used to our random encounters. I was starting to view you as a friend. I mean, I do view you as a friend, and so when I thought I might not see you again... well, I was upset." The truth was out. Finn had admitted to Merrick what he had been trying to figure out the entire time. And now Merrick had the power to do whatever he wanted with this information.

[Merrick Marr]

Merrick turned his eyes to look back at the latest broom to hang in the window. He couldn’t stand to see the look on Miles face. Pity seemed to be radiating from Miles and if there was one thing Merrick didn’t want it was pity. When he first started playing Quidditch he knew the dangers…how could one not when their father had been taken out by a bludger in near the same way he had. It was life’s little quirks…the ironic displays of foreshadowing and random happen stances that led to the issues that one would have to face during their time on this earth. Unfortunately for Merrick he hadn’t been aware of those strings of coincidence until he awoke in the hospital a day or so ago. It was then when everything was crashing down around him that he finally took fate as a literal and omnipotent force. Everything happened for a reason and everything was connected in some form or fashion, he just wished that Quidditch had been left out of that connection and fate had not stolen from him the one thing he cared about the most.

The silence didn’t bother Merrick; in fact he hardly noticed it. His mind seemed to be racing and the loud buzzing in his ears drowned out most of the noise of hustle and bustle around Merrick and Miles. Every time Miles spoke though the world’s noise disappeared and he was left with just the sound of his voice. If there was a moment in which Merrick thought he was showing weakness then he probably would have raised his mask once more, but being weak was hardly a conscious thought to Merrick at the moment. So his obvious disappointment to never playing Quidditch again, followed by Miles’ question about schoolwork over the summer slammed full force into Merrick. His head dropped and he sighed, his hand finding the glass window for support. If there was one person Merrick could connect to more so than Tiernan McCoy it was Finn and standing here when so much pain was coursing through Merrick was making it difficult to think. “Unfortunately one can not make up N.E.W.T.s outside of the time marked for them. Meaning I’ll be returning to Hogwarts in September just like everyone else.”

Merrick didn’t know if there was anything that could release him from the dismay that had settled into his chest. It was that tight, tension that began in the chest and an awkward sort of pain in the heart as if it truly was broken. It was an ache that he had never really known before and what had set it off he could only imagine being the distress over everything that was crashing down around him. Nothing could break through that wall, or so Merrick believed until Miles began speaking again…words tumbling out of his mouth and searing through Merrick’s precious walls he’d built for himself. A breath caught in his lungs, though he didn’t remember holding his breath as his head slowly lifted. Something seemed to be dawning on him…something akin to hope. Blue orbs sought out Miles as he turned away from the window. Finn had been worried about him? But why? What for? Suddenly it was as if the heartache in him multiplied by infinity.

It wasn’t until Finn finished speaking that Merrick realized he was holding his breath and he slowly released it. His deep blue orbs had yet to leave Finn’s face as he tried to process what all had been said. Something was coming over Merrick as he stared at Finn, trying to sense out exactly what was going on, what his words meant. There was an urge within him that frightened him in ways he’d never been frightened before. At the same time though it seemed important to pay attention to. Merrick pulled himself away from Finn’s gaze, stared back at the window for a few more moments as he gathered his thoughts. “We are friends,” Merrick stated the already obvious response, though deep down it pained him to say the words not because they weren’t friends, but for a deeper reasoning that even Merrick couldn’t really understand. “Friends…” The softly repeated word was really all Merrick could think of saying, but it seemed now he had his own unconscious questions vying to be asked. “Why—Why did you care? I’ve been nothing but rude, condescending, and degrading toward you and yet after all this time here you are still making an effort to speak with me…to be my friend. Why is that?” A part of Merrick didn’t want to know the answer, but he had to. If there was one thing Merrick was sure of he had to know the answer to his question. His whole world seemed to rest on the brink…Losing Quidditch was one thing…it made him ten times more aware of the things in his life he didn’t want to lose and now the truth came crashing down around him…Finn Miles was one of those things he couldn’t bear to lose.

[Finn Miles H7]

Merrick would be back for another year at Hogwarts. The news was relieving for Finn to hear, but that didn't mean that it was necessarily good news. Merrick was probably not happy about having to come back to repeat his seventh year. Plus, it almost made things a bit more complicated and confusing. Finn had been in 'good-bye' mode, ready to deal with what it might mean to just put the past few months behind him. It wouldn't have been easy, but he was preparing for what he thought was the inevitable. But what seemed so certain just minutes ago was now completely opposite. This meant more for Finn to figure out. "That's... great?" he said, unsure of what it really was or what Merrick felt about it. Perhaps he had mixed feelings as well.

After having blurted all that he was thinking, Finn watched Merrick's tense movement, clearly taken back by all that Finn was saying. It didn't surprise him though that Merrick seemed a bit surprised. It was quite a shock to even Finn. Merrick soon looked away though, causing an uncomfortable dropping feeling in Finn's stomach. Had he said too much? Perhaps he hadn't, as Merrick finally responded. Finn wasn't sure what to make of the confirmation of their friendship, seeing that Merrick didn't speak with much confidence or clarification. He had to assume it wasn't a bad response though. It could have been a lot worse. And then came the questions...

Finn took a deep breath as he tried formulating an answer for Merrick's 'why'? The problem was that it wasn't an easy answer to give. Finn wasn't even sure that he knew why. But he knew that he could start with what he did know. "I guess I haven't found you to be all that rude, condescending, or degrading," he began with a shrug. It was obvious that Merrick had some of these qualities, but Finn had only seen bits and pieces of them. Sure there were times that he found Merrick's words or actions a bit brash, but for the most part, he was surprised at how different his view of Merrick had become in the past few months. "I mean, I thought maybe it was a fluke at first, but the more we talked and happened to run into each other, I guess I realized that I was seeing the real you. Or... at least the real you that you were willing to show. And... I liked that you. As a friend." He was quick to add the latter part. Finn shrugged again, taking another deep breath, scared that what he said might ruin everything that had come about. "I mean, I've had lots of friends before. And I have lots of friends now. But something about our friendship just was different." He didn't know what that different was or even how to begin to explain it, but it was still there. "I'm kind of glad you are coming back to Hogwarts for another year. I mean, I know you probably are dreading it, but it's another year that we can hang out. That is, assuming you'd be up for it." Finn wasn't holding anything back.

[Merrick Marr]

Merrick sighed. There was too much going on in his mind at that moment, too many memories and worries and pain. Standing there with Finn should have put him on guard, made him the arrogant kid he always was when he was around him. Instead he was reflective, silent, and brooding. There was hardly a part of him that wasn’t thinking on something and still yet a deeper part that didn’t mind just standing in Finn’s company. As much as that thought scared him, it gave him a sliver of hope as well, making things just a tiny bit more bearable. There was a long exhale from Merrick at Finn’s uncertain response. He wondered briefly if the questioning tone that Finn used was rhetorical or not, but he couldn’t stop himself from wondering if he was upset or fine with returning. He merely answered with a shrug his thoughts on more important matters.

All Merrick wanted really was a reply to his question. There was anticipation within his bones…drilling all the way through them. How much could he really take in those moments when his emotions were so close to the surface? It was far too difficult for him to control them as it was, to remain apathetic as he always was and deep down he was afraid that whatever came next from Finn would matter far too much to him. How had things gotten to that point? Even Merrick didn’t know…there had been too many random encounters…too many moments of truth between the two of them. Finn Miles was truly Merrick’s friend and probably one of his only real friends.

Merrick’s breath caught in his throat at Finn’s words. There was so much running through his mind suddenly…too many words, too many spiraling flashes of doubt, intrigue, and everything else that Finn made him feel. His words struck a part of Merrick that he didn’t even know existed and for once Merrick was glad it did exist. Blue orbs settled on the shop window unable to really look at Finn as he finished. He wished he could give some sort of nod to show that he heard, but there was just too much. A wave of something Merrick couldn’t quite put his finger on went through him at one point and he briefly wondered if that was something he should be worried about. Another sigh as his hand touched the glass window, his head tipping down as he tried to process everything.

It was a few moments before he finally found his voice and still he wasn’t quite sure what to say. It was obvious that he needed to respond to Finn, but what could he say? Was this where he confessed how much he enjoyed hanging out with Finn? Or was this the time to just sit silently by? He moved suddenly his hand falling away from the window and his back straightening as he turned to look at Finn. “It was nice seeing you Finn,” Merrick said, his arrogant smile falling back across his lips. There was nothing to say to Finn he realized…nothing that would sound quite right. If he wanted to say something like he felt he should he was going to have to wait until he could really think everything through and evaluate everything completely. “Maybe next time we could plan to meet somewhere instead of just randomly running into each other.” With that Merrick nodded his head at him, raising two fingers with a slight wave before heading out of Diagon Alley, back to his home, where his father would be waiting for him.