My Way Home Is Through You ((Closed))

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

It was harder every day. Each night she went to bed with the promise of sleep without pain. Each morning she woke up with that same gnawing feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knew she had so much more to live for. At the same time, she felt like there was nothing to live for. And then, she would turn on her side and stare at the empty space in the giant queen sized bed. The circular one from her bedroom in Paris. She had stored it away in her closet when she had moved in with Adam. It felt quite weird to be in the bed again. Alone. Then the tears would come, she would turn her face into her pillow and stifle the sobbing sounds so her mother and sister couldn’t hear her – so her baby couldn’t hear her. Her beautiful baby boy. He was the only reason Dixie was still able to get through each day. Mornings were the worst, but Jamie kept her going throughout the day. He was her reason for being. It was for him that she gathered all the strength she could muster inside of herself to get up each morning and try to live through the day. But still, she cried because she wasn’t that strong…yet.

“Time heals all wounds…” Pam had told her that first night Dixie had arrived in Dublin, crying with her 3 week old child in her arms. It was then that her mother had taken the role that she had neglected for so long, folding her oldest daughter into her arms and holding her tight as Mack took Jamie into her arms and saw to him. Dixie couldn’t deal with a baby right then, and Mack understood that. She put the young boy to bed in the crib that she and Pam had set up in the upstairs bedroom and watched him sleep while Dixie was held by her mother downstairs on the couch. But it had been roughly 4 months, and time hadn’t yet healed all of Dixie’s wounds. While Dix had been an impatient child, the desire for the time to heal as fast as it possibly could was so strong that it was hindering her healing process rather than helping it. Then again, Dixie was always hindering things rather than helping them. “Time heals all wounds,” Dixie repeated to herself three times before breathing in deeply and sitting up in her bed. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked over at the crib a bit away from her bed.

Jamie was visible through the crib slats, his head turned to look at her – his eyes so much like Adam’s that it pained Dixie to look into them at times. But then, he smiled at her – so wide and so big that her heart melted into a big pile of goo. “Hey there, baby boy…” he turned his head back and forth and reached out toward her with his hands, opening and closing his palms. He had grown so much over the past 4 months, it amazed Dixie. It was miraculous how fast he grew. He was already sitting up on his own accord, and he was beginning to cut his first tooth. All times, no matter how crazy they drove Dixie, were spectacular and genuine. There was no other person in this world that Dixie could love like she loved Jamie. Dixie got out of bed and made her way over to his crib, reaching in and slipping her hands underneath him to lift him up into her arms safely. He gurgled and Dixie smiled down at him, lowering her lips to his brow and kissing him gently. This was why Dixie was put on this Earth. This was her reward for going through all the negative things she had to go through. Jamie was her prize. Her way home was through this little blonde haired blue eyed baby boy.

“Hungry, Jimmy-Jam?” The nickname had been given to him by Mack, saying that Jamie was too serious and James too adult for a 4 month old. She had also remarked on how Dixie chose a horrid name, and the entire family had recalled Mack’s one-time stalker/best friend Jamie Andrews. They had laughed, and Dixie had conveniently forgotten that she had actually named Jamie after Adam’s father. The baby clapped his chubby hands together and Dixie bounced him on her hip as she cooed to him, leaving their bedroom and heading down the stairs toward the kitchen. Mack’s voice could be heard singing one of her songs as she moved around the kitchen, probably making eggs, and Tommy joined in every now and then. Mack would squeal and there would be a smacking sound, then Tom would laugh. Dixie felt a small, but very sad, smile. Young love was so beautiful. She remembered feeling that way once upon a time. Not all she could feel was sadness, loneliness, and then the rejuvenating feeling of happiness and love toward her boy.

“Smells good…” Dixie chimed as she entered the kitchen and settled Jamie in his highchair. Mack giggled and turned to look at her older sister, her blonde hair pulled back into a pony tail and curled. She had let it grow out again, and was determined not to cut it until Tom shaved. Dixie had to admit, the long locks looked cute on Mack. “It better. I made it.” Mack replied cheerily as she flipped a pancake with the spatula in her hand. Dixie watched as it flipped in the air and then went to the left a bit, obviously going to miss the pan. Mack made a squeaky type of noise and Tommy pulled out his wand, freezing the pancake in mid air long enough for Mack to place the pan underneath it. The pancake landed smoothly in the pan and was saved from a most dreadful death of floor-meet. Dixie sank into one of the chairs at the table and accio’d a cup of coffee to her along with a bottle of milk and some creamer. She mixed everything magically, then took a long sip and felt her insides warm up slightly from the comfort. A plate of pancakes and eggs were placed in front of her by Tommy and Dixie looked up to see Mack giving Jamie his bottle. Gratitude swelled over her, she was lucky to have such a strong and comforting family.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

“Oh!” The voice was shocked, but in a good way, and it caused Dixie to look up from her sketchbook. She was sitting the living room, her back against the foot of the couch, Jamie on a blanket beside her – playing with a squishy toy that had baby drool all over it. She shifted her glasses from the bridge of her nose so that they were perching on top of her head as her eyes moved to the doorway of the large living room. The doorway led into the foyer where the large double doors were, and there were voices coming from the tall room. Two of which she recognized. Her sister’s and Rae’s. Dixie set her sketching pencil down and shifted the large sketchbook off her lap just as the two blondes walked in. Rae was darker, probably from the time she spent outside lounging around in the sun of Italy, and her hair looked more golden. “I didn’t want to just randomly pop in, in case you were like..breast feeding or something equally gross,” her smile was bright, though, it was obvious she was still in a lot of pain from Clay’s death. It was as if everything had gone downhill at the same time.

“Uhm…Jamie’s off the breast, Rae, sorry to disappoint,” Dixie chuckled and stood from her spot to make her way over to her friend. They hugged, Rae the taller of the two in 3 inch stilettos and Dixie barefoot. But it felt nice to have a friend holding her tight. When they parted, Dixie looked over Rae’s outfit with a quick, yet detailed eye. She wore dark skinny jeans that tapered at the end so that the entire leg fit perfectly. She wore a deep red silk top, one of Dixie’s designs actually, that had quarter sleeves. She topped it off with a navy blue vest and a large cross dangling from her neck. Dixie approved. Aside from the obnoxious cross that was maybe a bit too big. “What are you doing here?” She was grateful that her best friend had decided to stop by, but at the same time – Dixie wasn’t sure if she was up to company outside of her family yet. Rae smiled gently and walked around her to where Jamie was laying on his stomach with his toy in his mouth, gurgling happily.

“I thought I’d come and see you and Jamie, check up on you,” Rae smiled brightly and knelt down to pick up the 4 month old, swinging him in her arms gently yet fast enough to make the baby giggle slightly. Well, there was always one thing about Rae – she was honest. Sure, there were countless histories where Rae had lied to Dixie, but they had both changed and matured over the years. Dixie had lied to Rae, Rae had backstabbed Dixie, but they were over it and they were better for it, as well. “Besides that fact, Italy is chaotic, what with Maddie and Lucas and Elina’s twins. I figured one child is much easier to handle than four of them.” Dixie smirked and sat back down in her spot, pulling her sketchbook to her again as Rae bounced around with Jamie on her hip. “It’s nice to see you’re back at work. Finally.” She collapsed onto the couch gently, settling Jamie on her stomach and playing with him as Dixie pondered over what Rae could have actually meant by that.

Dixie looked down at the outfit she had been designing before Rae had unexpectedly shown up in their foyer. It wasn’t her best, in fact, Dixie was finding it difficult to design anything that she thought was good enough. Tarisa, her old boss and her mentor, would have smacked her over the head for saying her designs weren’t good enough, but Dixie couldn’t help but think negatively about her sketches. Her confidence had diminished almost completely without Adam there by her side, and so her ability to be completely creative had disappeared, as well. “Nah, I’m just dabbling right now. I’m not nearly enough ready to go back into the office…” Tears sprung into her eyes and she quickly looked away so Rae wouldn’t notice them. She had, though, and she could hear the sorrow in her best friend’s voice. She frowned and shifted so she was sitting up, with Jamie sitting in her lap instead of on her stomach. She didn’t say anything, knowing that’s not what Dixie needed at the moment. But Dixie knew Rae was watching her, waiting for something, and so she sighed and lifted her gaze to hold onto Rae’s; “I don’t think I will ever be.”

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

"It's incredible," Rae breathed, her heart thudding in her chest as she held little Jamie on her lap, his hands clenched around her fingers as he stood on her thighs, "He looks so much like Adam…" Dixie watched as her best friend's heart fell. It was hard sometimes. Knowing that Rae's first love really was Adam even though the other girl wouldn't admit to it. Certainly, she had fallen in love with Clay, had possibly fallen for him harder than she had for Adam, but Adam still held a place in her heart like he held a place in Dixie's. Dixie swallowed a lump in her throat and nodded, diverting her gaze from the pain in her best-friend's eyes that mirrored her own so scarily, looking back down at her sketchbook. How was it possible to see her pain in Rae's eyes? Rae couldn't possibly be feeling what she was feeling, could she? Well, why not? Rae had lost someone, too, recently – in a bigger sense. Why was Dixie being so damned selfish? She bit on her bottom lip and looked back up at Rae and her son.

"Yeah, I know…it's hard to look at him sometimes. But there's a bit of me in there, too, you know." Dixie's voice sounded thin, tired, and emotional. She felt the tears burn in her eyes again and she angrily blinked them back. She was exhausted of crying. Not just tired. Exhausted. "I need some chai tea," she suddenly said as she shoved her sketchbook aside and hurried from the living room. Claustrophobia was settling around her in a warm and unwelcomed blanket. She leaned against the fridge door and took a few deep breaths before opening it and taking out the square carton of chai tea. She poured it into a coffee mug half way full, then added milk for the rest of the cup. Then, without really thinking, she stuck it in the microwave for 3 minutes and sat on the floor. The machine buzzed above her head and her eyes dilated, focusing and unfocusing on the cabinet in front of her that was part of the island. The microwave beeped 10 times before Rae wandered in with Jamie on her hip, a worried expression on her face when she spotted Dixie on the floor.

Taking out her wand, Rae took the tea from the microwave, stirred it gently with a spoon, and floated it down to her best friend as she took a seat beside her, cradling Jamie in her arms as he gurgled himself to sleep. Dixie took the mug with shaking hands and brought it to her lips, not even feeling the heat of the liquid inside of the ceramic drinking glass. Rae reached up and plucked the glasses off the top of Dixie's head, the ones she had conveniently forgotten still existed. "It will get easier, Dixie…you have to trust me on this," Rae smoothed the dark hair and felt pity in her heart, sympathy, and just plain sadness all mixed into one. Dixie had been through so much already. Why did she need to go through more? Rae knew that Dixie wouldn't ever think like that, or even utter a word related to that idea, because Dixie didn't whine or complain about her life. She took everything that came her way with a brave face. It was moments like these that Rae was reminded that Dixie was…like everyone else…human. "The pain never stops, but it gets duller, and you get used to it."

Dixie made a sound like a strangled sob and closed her eyes, her chest starting to hurt. And then Rae bit her lip and asked the question that Dixie asked herself every day, "If you miss him so much, Dix, why don't you go back to him? I'm sure he feels the same way. I'm sure he wants you back just as much as you want to be back. You two have been through far too much to just give up. If you just give up…I… I don't think I can believe in true love anymore…." Dixie rested her head on Rae's shoulder, and Rae awkwardly lifted her hand to pat the opposite side of Dixie's head as the tears finally crawled down the brunette's cheeks. Neither of them said anything more for a moment, and Jamie was breathing evenly, asleep in Rae's arms like only a tired baby could be.

"Because…" Dixie finally whispered, her whisper even hoarse, "what happens if we get together again, it's all happy and jolly, and then suddenly Adam can't do it again? What happens when everything comes crashing down again? I don't think I could handle that anymore. I…can't." And she couldn't.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Jamie was sound asleep in the basinet next to the couch where Dixie was sitting, a glass of red wine in her hand as her eyes stared intensely at the flickering flames of the fire in the hearth. The wine she and Rae were sipping on was a Dom Nicolas Rossignol Volnay. Dixie had thought about how nice it tasted with the fruity undertones to the dark red when she first took a sip, but now she wasn't thinking about the taste of the 2005 wine. There wasn't a sound between the two women aside from the crackling of the fire and the occasional sip from the fine crystal wine glass. Rae had decided to stay at least the night, perhaps the rest of the week. She felt that Dixie needed her more than the other woman was letting on, and so she had deducted that she could take off a couple of more days from work and that Maddie was in capable hands with Ash and Elina. It was the blonde who had suggested cracking open the bottle of wine that Mack and Tommy had bought as a celebration for Mack's 19th birthday, but had neglected to drink it because of some unknown reason; and thus, there were Rae and Dixie – drinking the 60 dollar bottle of wine as if it were some sort of soft drink.

"I wanted it so bad, you know."

"I know."

"I loved him, I really did. I see that now…"

"I know."

"So, why did he have to go so soon, Dixie?" Rae looked over at her best friend with tears in her green eyes, her hands shaking slightly. There was so much pain in both of their lives, sometimes Dixie wondered what they deserved to be put through so much. Every time, though, she came back with the same answer: nothing, life was just cruel that way. Rae bit her lip and then finished off the rest of her wine before pouring some more into her glass, the bottle was almost gone and Dixie knew that it wasn't going to be enough. She'd have to pull out another bottle; probably of something harder than a good bottle of red wine. "I don't understand it, I don't…I…everything was finally working out for me, for us… I…why?" Dixie had never really seen Rae this way. Dixie was always the weaker one, the one who cried over things, the one who swung through emotions easily like a monkey through trees. Rae was the strong one. Dixie felt her world turn upside down at the sight of Rae nearly on the breaking point.

Dixie looked thoughtful a moment, took a small sip of her wine, and then sighed out the first half of her reply; "Because bad things happen to the best people," she licked her bottom lip and ran her fingers through her hair, which was falling out of its curls, "Because someone, whether it be God, Allah, or the Fates, does not want to see us happy," her eyes landed on Rae and she offered her a small yet understanding smile, "And because things always happen for a reason. I mean, look at the way things turned out between Adam and I. We had to go through so much before we reached that happiness point, and then when Jamie came along – it was like we had accomplished nothing at all. Why?" Dixie waited a moment and Rae just stared at her blankly. Her gaze flickered to her son in the basinet and she sighed again, "I believe it's because this has made me the best possible mother I could be, because I feel like I have to be two parents. And while I miss Adam more than I have ever missed anyone in my entire life, and while I feel like half of me is missing – Jamie is worth all of it. And I needed to bring him up in a household, in a family, where there was no doubt in his mind that he was wanted. I didn't think Adam could give that to him. Not right now…and probably not ever."

Rae furrowed her eyebrows, "Dixie…I think Adam could have been an excellent father, if he had been given the time to adjust…" She knew she was stepping on thin ice, talking about this, but Rae was hoping that Dixie would be mature enough to handle what she was saying. "I know you gave him time after the separation the first time, but he's…" Rae looked down and thought about how to say this without making Dixie feel like she knew less about her own husband than Rae did, "afraid. He's afraid of becoming like his parents, especially with how everything turned out with them being sent to Azkaban and all. And even his younger sister didn't stay with him when it all happened," there was some trace of bitterness in her voice. Sierra had never liked Rae, but she adored Dixie, and Rae couldn't ever figure out why. "You're afraid, too, I know, but you're also much more secure with yourself now-a-days than Adam was at the time. Who knows? Maybe in a couple more months, things could have been fine?" Rae lifted her gaze to Dixie and watched as her best-friend's gaze hardened. She had said the wrong thing. Rae was supposed to be the supportive best-friend, not the devil's advocate.

"Do you know what he did when I told him I was pregnant, Rae? He did everything but accuse me of cheating on him. Cheating on him! With our next door neighbor for Merlin's sake! That's why I left him the first time, that and because he wasn't ready to be a father. He wasn't ready, and he had a choice, but I wasn't ready to be a mother, and I had no choice," Dixie angrily bit back tears as she set her wine glass down on the coffee table in front of her, "I waited… I waited for him to be ready. He could have been ready when Jamie was 2 months old, when he was 3 months old, hell, Adam could have been ready today but he wasn't ever consistently ready…and that is what I want Jamie to have. Consistency." Dixie stood from her seat on the couch and turned to pick Jamie up from the basinet gently, holding him against her chest, her hand placed gently and lovingly at the back of his neck, keeping him in place; "I may have been wrong to leave him, but I am not wrong in wanting was is best for my child."

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

"You said what?!" There was a slamming of something in the kitchen, Mack's voice angry and loud as she turned on Raelee Gray. It was a clash of the blondes. Mack had done nothing but try to protect her older sister from the pain of this whole divorce, and months of hard work just ended with Rae's big mouth opening and telling Dixie something she had no place in this world to tell her. "How could you be so incredibly stupid, Rae?! You know her better than anyone I know, and you say that?!" Mack's blue eyes were angry as she stood, the same height as Rae in her heels, her arms folded over her chest. Mack and Dixie might not have gotten along for the majority of their lives, but Mack was smart enough to know what Dixie should and shouldn't hear from her loved ones. Saying that she was in the wrong, was definitely something that she shouldn't hear from her loved ones. Especially from her best friend. Rae didn't seem to feel guilty, or in the wrong at all. In fact, she seemed fairly certain that her upsetting Dixie was something that the other woman needed. Mack found herself wondering how Dixie could possibly get along with this insufferable brat.

"You might not agree with me, or you might and just think Dixie deserves to be protected, but protecting her, or keeping her, from realizing that perhaps she was irrational in leaving is only going to make it harder for her to move on. She needs to come to the decision that she is as much responsible for this as Adam is," Rae ran her fingers through her curly hair and leaned against the counter, her ankles crossed and her hands gripping the edge of the marble counter top. Tommy was seated beside Mack, on the opposite counter of Rae, chewing on a salami wrap – not saying a word. Which was pathetic, because Rae really could have used the help of a male's point of view at the moment. "The decision to leave wasn't made by Adam, it was made by Dixie. She needs to stop blaming him completely. It is partially her fault, too." Rae watched as Mack went from angry to livid. The Holden sisters had been through a lot together in their lives, and Rae knew that getting one angry wasn't ever a good idea – especially if it was Mack she was getting angry. Mack had always been strong willed and determined, Dixie was still feeling those two characteristics out.

"Yes, she was in the wrong, Rae, but don't you get it?! We have to support her, no matter what decision she comes to!" Mack sighed and rubbed the back of her neck, trying to calm herself down, "I take it you've talked to Adam?"

Rae shook her head, "No. Of course not. I've thought about it, though. No, I came to this conclusion when I was thinking about how Dixie could have Adam if she tried, and I can't have Clay because he's not here. It made me realize how incredibly selfish she is being and I figured that if I let her know how she was really acting, she might see it that way, too," she was starting to feel drained from all of this arguing. She didn't need to justify her actions to a 19 year old who had more romantic drama than anyone her own age, that Rae knew of, anyway. "Look, it will all be okay. Dixie needs some tough love. Not protection. She's gotten way too much of that in her life already." That was a mistake. Mack raised her eyebrows and then shook her head, her lips pursed, before turning on her heel and leaving in the kitchen. Rae didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Tommy hopped down off the counter, finished with his wrap now and smiled gently at Rae.

"I agree with you, but Mack is Mack and…" he shrugged, as if helpless, and then left the kitchen after his girlfriend (or were they engaged now?). Rae felt a little better, she wasn't the only one – and it was nice to get some insight from someone else her own age. She sighed and pushed herself away from the counter, moving out of the kitchen and out into the hall. She picked up her purse, pushed it onto her shoulder and searched through it for her wand.

"Going somewhere?" Dixie came out of the living room, dressed in an elegant blank pant suit, her hair pulled back into a clip, her make-up applied impeccably. "I…didn't think you would be leaving so soon…" Rae shrugged and twirled her wand in between her fingers, not quite sure what to say. She was slightly agitated. "Come on…don't go just yet… I still need you…"

"Well, according to Mack, no…you don't. Look, Dixie, I need to get back to Maddie, my daughter…the one that Clay left with me after he died…the guy that I lost because of stupid circumstances, not by choice. You are losing your husband, the man you love, by choice and placing the blame solely on him. It's not just his fault. You need to realize that." Rae leaned forward and kissed Dixie's cheek, "I'll call you sometime next week," and with that she apparated away.

End Of Thread.