If Tomorrow Never Comes ((Heidi))

[Ben O'Leary]

Death is a funny thing. Not humorously funny. Ironically funny. As a healer, one must grow accustomed to the idea of death. It can come faster than any bolt of lightning, or it can slowly creep in, reaping havoc wherever it shows its notorious face. As simple as it is - permanent and unchanging - death can be quite complicated. Ben was still learning this. And, it wasn't easy.

***

"Espis..." Ben had begun to cast the simple healing spell that would mend the incision on the ankle of his most recent patient when he was quite suddenly interrupted.

"Stop! You've got it all wrong! It's not Espisky, its Episky," the fellow intern said, rolling her eyes as she helped to clean up the exam room.

"I knew that," Ben said, fumbling with his wand as he again proceeded to cast the spell. Within seconds, the skin was mended, and aside from a slight purplish tint, it seemed to look just as good as new. Ben bit his lip and hoped that the man wouldn't notice the slight discolouration, pulling the man's robe so that it covered the healed ankle. "Off you go," Ben said, a nervous sort of assurance in his voice as he ushered the man out of the room. "And next time, stay away from the red-bellied knarldorfs. You're luck the bite didn't disintegrate more than just your ankle bone!" He ran his hand through his hair and turned with a wide-eyed smirk, ignorantly proud of his mediocre performance. "Suppose he'll learn?" he questioned the other healer. She didn't seem so impressed though, merely shaking off Ben's babbling.

"Did you hear about Dr Taveras?" she asked, levitating the bed sheets into the laundry pile and preparing the room for the next patient. "I guess he'd been living with the disease for about six months. Kept it a secret. It's sad to have lost such an asset to our staff."

Ben scrunched up his face, unsure of what the girl was talking about. "No... I haven't heard." He was instantly interested to know what she could possibly be talking about. After all, Miguel Taveras had been the man that Heidi had suddenly seemed to take quite an interest in. He was well-known, a prominent figure in the healing profession. "Is he sick? Taking a leave of absence?" Ben leaned one shoulder lazily against the wall, stepping in the way of the girl until she was looking at him.

"No. He's dead. A whole team has been working on him all morning. Where have you been?" The girl seemed slightly annoyed as she glared up at Ben, pushing her way past him and finishing the task of preparing the exam room. "It's a big loss, but apparently of little importance to you. Now if you'll excuse me..." She left the room, sparing no time to wait for Ben to return the goodbye. He was left standing there, pondering the news he had just heard. Miguel Taveras... dead. The concept hit Ben harder than the girl probably realized. He may have been aloof and a bit rough around the edges, but it didn't take a genius to understand what this meant. As for Ben, he knew it would mean a lot more for some than others, especially since his mind instinctively went to Heidi who had the day off. He had to tell her. He didn't want to be the one to tell her, but Ben knew that he had no choice. Slowly, he left the room and went toward the healers' lounge. He needed a drink of water.

***

Ben lifted his hand to the door. His fingers clenched tightly into a fist, slightly moist from the anxiety that filled him. He paused for a second. A deep breath in and out. Finally, he gathered enough courage to knock on the door. Three quick knocks and his hands fell quickly to his side. He spun around nervously and began pacing. Maybe she wasn't home. Maybe he wouldn't be the one who'd have to tell her. She had grown to be his best friend. He had to be the one to tell her. She'd need him there, wouldn't she? Ben wondered if maybe Heidi wouldn't want him to be there at all. Perhaps the news would affect her even deeper than he could anticipate. He heard footsteps, followed by the slight creaking of the door as it opened.

"Heidi!" Ben said, his voice making it seem as though he was somewhat shocked to see her. He was shocked alright, but not really to see Heidi. He was more just shocked by what he was about to do. Death wasn't light or happy or easy. It was tough. Delivering a death announcement was far from Ben's top ten list of things he wanted to do. "Ah... can I come in?" He questioned her, almost as though he wondered if she'd actually let him in. Why wouldn't she? It wasn't like she knew why he was there. Still, he knew his voice probably reflected the urgency of the situation, but he tried not to seem too somber. Ben didn't want to scare Heidi. "I have some... news." He refrained from using the adjective 'bad' as he shook his head in an effort to seem reassuring. His mind raced wildly as he wondered how he should say what he wanted to say. Dead. Gone. Forever.

This wasn't going to be fun.

[Heidi Rebecca Fleming]

His hand sliding down her back... His lips caressing her brow... His breath tingling against her neck. Heidi awoke with Miguel's touch still softly lingering in her skin and bones, and groaned out loud in frustration. "Goddamnit," she grit through grinding teeth, letting a bare arm fall against her eyes to block out the late morning sun pouring into her bedroom. "Goddamnit," she whispered more quietly, feeling a mixture of exasperation and anger fill her throat and remain there, tight and unmoving. It'd been months since her last... night with Miguel. How could she still be pining after him like this? Heidi didn't mentally want Miguel, but physically... "I have better control than this," she thought bitterly. "All I have to do is block you out." Heidi breathed in deeply. Easier said than done. It was rather difficult to completely erase someone from your life when firstly, you worked with them every single day, and secondly, they're the father of your child.

Rebecca. Rebecca and Heidi. Rebecca, Heidi and Miguel. The thought caused Heidi's heart to clench again - from what, she didn't know. All she knew was, whenever she used to think of her daughter, she would feel like she couldn't breathe; and now the same was to be said of Miguel. Rebecca was Miguel's daughter - Miguel and Heidi's daughter. That little bundle of joy she had conceived... how many years ago? She was twenty-two years old now, and she'd given birth to Rebecca when she was seventeen years old. That meant her little girl was five years old. Somewhere in this country, Rebecca was living with her mummy and daddy, happy and cared for and loved; whilst her biological mother struggled to come to terms with the fact that her lover and professional superior happened to be her baby's father too. Heidi wanted Miguel, there was no doubt about it. But at the same time, she couldn't handle being with him any more. Every moment with him was painful; every moment with him was a reminder of what had happened and what could've been.

Rebecca. Her parents had probably changed her name by now. Heidi had a slight remembrance of someone telling her, as she had given her up for adoption, that she would be re-named Sophie. But to Heidi, her child would always be Rebecca. That was her middle name, and it was the only piece of herself Heidi had ever been able to give to her daughter. Tears clung to her sleep-filled eyed. Heidi loved Rebecca; she wished she'd never had to give her up. If she and Miguel, five years ago, had never done that deed... where would Heidi be today? Yes, Heidi wanted Miguel, but she also wished for him to disappear from the face of the Earth. Lying in her bed with memories of the past invading her mind, her frustrations towards Miguel rising once more, Heidi was at least thankful she didn't have work today - it was her day off. Maria, on the other hand, usually had something to do round about now, so Heidi had the house to herself.

Thinking of Miguel, Heidi realised she hadn't caught even a glimpse of the other healer since... last week? It was a while. So why was she dreaming of him? Of his lips against hers? Heidi didn't love Miguel, but the fact he was the father of her child only increased her yearning for him. In all honesty, Heidi didn't really know how she felt about Miguel. She just knew that she had to move on. She'd given up Rebecca a long time ago; given up on ever discovering who her father was. Now that he had re-entered her life so forcefully, Heidi was feeling a wash of emotions towards him, ranging from elation to anger to despair. Had it not been the sudden ringing of the doorbell, Heidi probably would've remained in her bed for the entire afternoon, contemplating within her mind the possibilities, the what ifs and the could bes. However, when she heard the bell tinker from the living room, Heidi jumped from her spot, and sitting up, padded restlessly towards the front door, still in her pyjamas but barely bothered about it. It was maybe her mum, forgetting to take her keys with her or something.

"Ben." Heidi blinked as her eyes locked with extremely familiar and doleful ones. It took her surprise a few moments to gather itself, but she had soon squashed it and gave a tense smile. "What's up? You've just caught me getting out of bed, so..." She gestured at her attire casually, not particularly bothered that Ben was seeing her in her pyjamas - a strappy pink top and grey pants. After all, Ben was her best friend; their relationship was nothing but platonic. When he asked to come in, Heidi stepped back in embarrassment and laughed loudly. "Sorry, I'm a bit out of it. Yes, come in. I was just about to make some coffee. Want some?" She left the door for him to shut, and almost bumped into Sooty as she turned around. "Oh, you rascal," she chuckled as she bent to scratch him briefly behind the ears. As she sat down with Sooty's head in her lap, she glanced up at Ben and smiled with more ease, the tension beginning to fade from her body as she let her friend distract her from her dreams and troubles. "Thank goodness for days off, Ben. I would be shattered if I had to face Wong and Miguel every day, wouldn't you?" She made a face and continued without letting her colleague reply.

"On the topic of Miguel," she began carefully but casually (she needed to know about him still, she still needed to know). "I was wondering if you'd seen him lately? I have some stuff I need to ask him about... even though I'd rather not talk to him." Heidi avoided eye contact with Ben, until the short silence caused her to turn to him once more questioningly. "Ben?" Heidi watched her best friend's nervous face as he said he had some news for her, and her hand halted along Sooty's jaw. "News?" she spoke tentatively, rising from her chair. "What sort of news?" Something was wrong; something was very, very wrong. Heidi knew now - the moment she had opened the door to see Ben, and the expression in his eyes, although she had missed it due to having her mind on other things and still being half asleep - that Ben was the bearer of bad news, and that no doubt it would effect her considerably. "What sort of news, Ben?" she demanded roughly when he didn't reply.

[Ben O'Leary]

Ben let out a quick and forced laugh when Heidi mentioned the prospect of having to see both Julia and Miguel every day. "Yeah... it'd be terrible." He failed miserably to sound any bit genuine at all. It was all an act, and one that quite frankly was as transparent as any newly cleaned pane of glass. Heidi didn't take long to see this, and her rambling about Miguel quickly turned into a frantic demand that Ben share what he had so obviously brought with him. "What's up with you and Miguel?" he demanded. Ben was surprised himself that instead of answering Heidi with the truth, he turned her demand into one of his own. Still, he found that it might be important that he knew why she always talked so much about Miguel if he was about to tell her that Miguel was dead.

"I'm not one to pry, Heidi, but for the past few weeks, it seems that all you talk about is Miguel, Miguel, Miguel. I don't even think that you realize you're doing it." Ben could care less why Heidi seemed so obsessed with Miguel, but what he cared about was knowing why he was important because the fact that Miguel was important to her was what made it all the harder for Ben to release the truth. "It's not like you talk about him non-stop, but it seems that every little thing always has some way of tying itself to Miguel. I mean, look at us now. I'm in your house for less than five minutes, and his name is one of the first things you drop." Ben realized he was starting to sound angry, yet that was the farthest thing from his mind. He wasn't jealous of Miguel, was he? Of course not. How can you be jealous of someone who's dead?

Ben let out a rather large sigh. "Look, I know that it's none of my business. If you like Miguel, then you like him. You don't have to feel ashamed that you're in love with our boss. I mean heck, what woman wouldn't resist him. He's got status, money, and that damn curious smile that makes girls like you melt." Ben laughed, hardly unaware of how he managed to turn the situation into something as simple as a joke. "I just need to know what it is that you have with Miguel, or what it is that you have for him. Because... well, because the news I have is about him, and even though I know it's something I have to tell you, I would just feel a lot better if I could figure out for myself why I have to tell you." The mood again switched gears, launching into one of solemnity. "I'm sorry, Heidi. I wish there were an easier way to go about this, but there's not. And, if there is, then I don't know what it is. I just want to be your friend and be here for you, but sometimes being a friend doesn't mean doing things that your comfortable with doing or saying things that you're even sure are the best things to be said."

Ben was starting to become hopeless. Part of him just wanted to blurt it all out, but he had to do it with a sort of grace, and so far, that grace had eluded him. Maybe he should have just told her already. Maybe he was being a complete idiot as he side-stepped the issue, looking for any reason to delay the words that he feared saying so much. He didn't even know why he feared them so much. It was death. Death happened. Miguel was a nice guy and all, but Ben didn't really know him. But... if Heidi knew him, and if Heidi possibly loved him, Ben knew that it was going to be as difficult as he had been imagining. Dammit.

[Heidi Rebecca Fleming]

Heidi frowned at Ben's tone of voice. He had always been awful at disguising his true thoughts and intentions - like an open book. She was doubly surprised at his following interrogation, a harsh demand to counter her own queries. This wasn't Ben; not the Ben she knew, anyway - not Ben her best friend. Something was definitely up. Heidi chose to vaguely answer his question, but her defences were spiked upwards due to the mention of the relationship between Miguel and herself. "Nothing," she answered shortly, turning away from staring at Ben in disbelief and confusion; she didn't want him to detect the fear in her eyes that would no doubt give her away - Heidi hated lying too. "Nothing's up between us. What do you mean? What do you think's between us? You should hear yourself, Ben - you sound like a jealous husband." Now it was her turn to answer Ben with defensive questions, her turn to attack. However, Ben's next words hit her gut with a silent bang, as though someone had shot at her with a silenced revolver. It brought home the fact that Ben knew, and most likely everyone else knew too - Maribeth, Julia - everyone. How blind had she been to herself? Had she really spent all this time talking about Miguel? She continued to avert her eyes in shame and stared fixatedly at the floor. Expletives ran through her head.

"You're lying," Heidi spoke quietly after a long, awkward pause. "I do not talk about him all the time. I'm not trying to tie him to myself, not at all. You're over-exaggerating, Ben." She gave a bark of fake, forced laughter. "There's nothing going on between Miguel and I, and that's that. The last thing I want is to be tied to him, trust me. He's my superior; one I wish someone would put in his place. I started last year thinking he was some sort of saint, Ben, but he's not. He is not. Let me tell you, he is an arrogant and conceited man. I wish I'd never met him." Heidi's words were angry, bitter... Yes. If only she had never met Miguel Malave Taveras. If only. But it was too late for her now; too late to change what had already happened. Heidi's face screwed up in deepening frustration as Ben went on about how it was okay to be 'in love with your boss'. Her fists clenched against her pyjama pants. No! That wasn't her problem with Miguel, couldn't Ben see? But no, Ben couldn't see. Ben didn't know that Miguel was the father of her adopted child; Ben didn't know that Miguel had only just discovered this and was completely unsupportive, and instead, had thrown himself into his work to forget about her and Rebecca. It had hurt, more than Heidi could put into words.

"Ben, you just don't get it," Heidi grit out in a bitter, exasperated growl, her head turning back to Ben with eyes that flashed moist with fire. "I don't love Miguel. I am not ashamed of anything. And I do not want to talk about him any more. I have my reasons for disliking him. I dislike Ben, I don't love him!" Heidi's hands flew into the air to exaggerate her point. "Just because I talk about him all the time, doesn't mean I'm in love with him! So what if he's good-looking? A charmer? Those sorts of men are exactly the type that would get you pregnant on a one night stand at sixteen and leave you to hang in Hell." Heidi's bitter accusations tumbled out of her mouth as she fought back tears. Her fingernails dug into her skin through cotton. "I have nothing with Miguel, okay? Absolutely nothing." Heidi's final words were bitten out, forced so much her jaw shook with the effort to reign in her emotions. Yes. Miguel had once left her with nothing, and once again, he had done it. Except this time, he knew what he was doing to her, and he yet still chose the same path. Heidi couldn't forgive that.

Heidi blinked back tears forcefully and looked at Ben again with narrowed eyes. "What news? What's taking so long? Can't be that important if you've left it till now. What's he done this time? Trying to get me to scrub in with him all the time so he can corner me? Or is he avoiding me because he's ashamed?" Heidi couldn't help the deep-rooted bitterness inside of her; she was a bitter person. Ever since her father had packed his bags and left when she was five years old, Heidi had found it hard - impossible sometimes - to forgive her loved ones who betrayed or left her. Her father was one of them. Miguel was now another. They could have been happy together. But when they realised the truth, their entwined histories, Miguel chose to run, just like how her father had made his choice to leave his wife and daughter penniless after he discovered Maria's magical heritage. If you loved someone, you wouldn't do that; you wouldn't just leave them for half-dead. And although Miguel hadn't loved her, and he wasn't exactly leaving her for half-dead, it still hurt as much as that, because they could've loved each other, and Heidi felt like a part of her had died anyway.

Heidi was too distressed to note Ben's solemn expression, the sorry written in his face, his eyes. "Just hurry up and get it out," she muttered moodily, her face in her hand. "I'm sure it's not that bad, Ben. It's not like you'll make me cry. Can't be that bad." And yet, a part of Heidi, even without noticing Ben's expression, even without having any belief in the art of predicting the future, felt in her gut a wrenching pain, as though warning her this was not going to be just plain old news; this was important, vital, life-changing news, so goddamnit, pay attention, Heidi Rebecca Fleming! Her head jerked up and finally she saw Ben's face. Her heart fell. "It's bad, isn't it?" she whispered after a long silence as she stared into his eyes. "Oh God, Ben, it's bad, isn't it? What is it? What's happened? What's wrong? For God's sake, just tell me already! I'm not twelve years old, I'm twenty-one, and I can handle it, so just give me it as it is. What's wrong with him?" Because Heidi knew, then. It was Miguel. He wasn't there any more, and just like she'd wished... he never would be again.

[Ben O'Leary]

Had he not had the news to deliver, Ben might have been the slightest bit hurt by the way Heidi spoke with such haste. She was defending Miguel, it was obvious, but Ben was too overwhelmed by what he had to do to really care who she was defending or who she was hurting. He knew she didn't mean it in a hurtful way anyways. At least he hoped so. Ben had lost a best friend before and he wasn't about to let it happen again. Of course, he couldn't really control Heidi's actions. If she hated him for what he had to tell her, then he'd have to deal with it.

The words pounded against his head, almost as though they were forcing their way out. He held them back as long as he could, but the pressure was too much. The weight was too much. "He's dead, Heidi. He died." Death was so brutal. So permanent. "He died this morning, and apparently he had been dying for a while now." There. He said it. She couldn't hate Ben because Miguel had kept the secret from her. She couldn't blame her best friend for coming to her and telling her the news he knew she needed to hear despite how painful it would be.

Ben sat there, frozen in place. He contemplated offering a hug to Heidi, but it seemed he was too scared that she'd push him away. It was no secret that she had something for Miguel, and hearing that he had just died... well, Ben doubted that even a hug from her supposed best friend would do the trick. "I'm sorry." All he knew say.

Standing, he wished there was a way that he could help. A way that he could know exactly what Heidi was feeling and make it all better for her. "How can I help, Heidi?" He assumed the tears were coming soon. Even if he was a Healer, Ben wondered if this was one thing he couldn't heal. They always said that mending a broken heart was the hardest thing to fix. He was certain that Heidi's heart was more than broken in that moment.

[Heidi Rebecca Fleming]

Heidi froze. Her hand, running like wind through her hair, halted in its tracks. A few seconds of deathly silence allowed her to digest Ben’s words with a frenzied appetite. “What?” Her first words were whispered, disbelieving. “What?” She finally snapped out of her physical trance, her blazing, moist eyes turned on Ben accusingly. “What did you just say?!” The horror began to dawn on her paling face as she looked on Ben’s grave expression. “You’re joking,” she gabbled whilst shaking her head frantically. “You have got to be joking, Ben! This isn’t funny!” Her best friend’s face became lost in the pool of tears that sprang to her eyes, much to her disgust, and she forced herself to turn away, hide her emotions behind a curtain of blonde hair. “Dying for a while?” Heidi questioned, anger beginning to creep into her croaked voice. “What do you mean? He had an illness? That can’t be true. I knew him. I would have known. He would have told me!”

And then it hit Heidi. No. He wouldn’t have told her. She wouldn’t have known. She didn’t know him. It was true. Heidi hadn’t seen Miguel for at least a week. Maybe a month? Can’t have been that long, her desperate mind searched. She had to have seen him only two weeks ago. But even so, she hadn’t spoken to him. She had ignored him; hated him. She’d wanted him dead – to have never existed. “Oh God.” The words tumbled out of Heidi’s mouth in a moaning whisper. She had wanted Miguel dead and now it had come true. She had scorned him and no way would he have confided in her. It was all her fault. She could’ve been there for him; stayed with him; comforted him. But now he was gone and it was too late.

Heidi let out a pained sound, her first sobs muffled between her palms as she shamefully began to cry into her hands, desperate to hide her tears from Ben’s sight. She didn’t want him to see her like this – weak. She was vaguely aware of her best friend uttering an apology, but it barely registered in her numbed mind. All she knew was that Miguel was dead and the last thing she had told him was ‘I hate you’. Was this karma? Heidi didn’t believe in superstitions, but all of a sudden the world seemed so empty and bare; she needed to believe in something.

As she cried, Heidi wanted to tell Ben everything: Miguel, Rebecca, loneliness, Miguel, Rebecca, Miguel. But the words refused to surface; they stayed locked in her chest as it heaved painfully to accommodate the little oxygen that seemed to be flowing into her. Her only sounds were her cries, that of a widower. But Heidi was no widower; she had not loved Miguel. He had been important to her, but Heidi had never known true love. Yet, she knew Miguel was the father of her child and that, maybe, she could have come to love him. They might have had a future – with Rebecca. But now that was gone, and Heidi had been a fool to let him go so. What might have been was now what would never be.

Finally, Ben’s words pierced Heidi’s conscious. “It’s too late,” were her only words, quiet and drained. She sighed heavily as her breathing strained to return to normal, tears pricking her eyes still, albeit less painfully. “Just go, Ben. I need to be alone.” When her best friend no move, Heidi stood up and glared at him with raging, red eyes, her cheeks streaked with tears. “I said go[/I]!” she yelled, holding back a choke. “Just go, Ben!” When the door slammed behind his back, Heidi fell onto her sofa again, exhausted and sapped of all emotion, leaving her hollow inside. She curled up in a foetal ball and cried like a child until the early hours of the morning, when she fell into a deep, nightmarish sleep of happy families.