Make Me Feel ((August)) PG-13

[Dylan Caoimhe]

(Set at the end of last year)


Miles and miles of lush green hills bathed in sunlight was all that could be seen; probably a rather boring sight to other students who were used to the scenery encountered while traveling aboard the Hogwarts Express. But Dylan's eyes scanned all that he could, taking it in appreciatively. Once again he was in an empty compartment, legs propped up on the seat opposite him, and Hannah's scribbled letter in hand. A pipe had burst on the third floor of the orphanage, and the children had to be moved to a sister facility. But, Hannah had arranged for Dylan to spend three days and two nights in a room above the Leaky Cauldron, meals provided. Part of him welcomed the little get-away, another part of him thought her a twit for spending money that could've went towards whatever repairs were needed, and another part of him just didn't care.

Dylan was only worried about himself. Not because he was self-centered or self-indulged, but because he knew he was all he had. Sure, he had friends now, and with the thought of them he began to perk up slightly. The school was taking a trip to Llarynstud Centre for Art for a couple weeks, and he'd be rooming with Scott, Theo, and Lori. He really couldn't think of a better set up, except perhaps he might prefer Mary over Lori, mainly because he didn't really know her, but he was somewhat anxious all the same.

Folding Hannah's letter and sticking it in his jean pocket, he pulled out his wand and began making small circles in the air. While he intended to make a green circle of light, it came out blue, and a very familiar, almost irritating shade at that. It had been so long since that night, and the fact that what happened had happened stopped elating Dylan a long time ago. He was over it, or at least he felt like it anyway. A little while ago, he had come to the conclusion that he was over August, and since then, every jet of light that came from his wand was the exact same shade of blue as August's eyes. At first it was weird and damn near alarming as Dylan thought his wand was defecting. As time went on, whatever he had for August got fainter and fainter with each passing day, but for some reason, his wand shot no other color but August blue.

Slightly gritting his teeth, he threw his wand on the seat beside him and wiped his face with his hands. He no longer thought of August; voluntarily anyway. And yet everyday something would draw his mind to him, whether it be the sky, or the corridor in which they first bumped into each other, or the courtyard where they last spoke. Dylan wanted to forget. He wanted to erase everything but it felt like the universe wouldn't let him let go. But Dylan would. He would make himself. Besides, it was a lost cause. August had already proven himself to be rather immature. There they were, and he was on the brink of saying exactly what Dylan had wanted to hear, but he chose to lie instead. A complete, unnecessary, stupid lie. At one point, Dylan even felt stupid for feeling anything at all.

[August Reid R7]

August had mixed feelings on his last day at Hogwarts before summer holidays. On one hand, he was going home for holiday so no more homework or studies. On the other hand, he was going home for the holidays so he would have to deal with family drama. Bronsen had adjusted well in Hogwarts. He had made a few friends and he was in love with the library. That wasn't too surprising. Bronsen usually read everything that he could get his hands on and the school library was no exception. One day August's younger brother would find a way to get into the Restricted Section. Not because Bronsen was interested in the Dark Arts. Bronsen didn't seem to be interested in good or evil. He was interested in knowledge and the Restricted Section held knowledge.

Then there was Jack. August's older brother would just be bothersome the entire holiday. Jack insisted that their parents never cared for him as much as they cared for August and Bronsen. That was bullocks. He would spend most of the holiday away from the house and when he was there he would be grumpy and made sure that anyone who was there was aware of his mood. Ever since their mother went mad the family seemed to be falling apart at the seams. August's father Jackson would be nowhere to be found, probably out with his mistress. That would leave August alone with his mad mum and his ever silent younger brother. What a great holiday this would be.

These feelings of trepidation made August linger on the train platform until the last possible moment. He kept looking back at the castle in the distance. Maybe he could stay in Hogsmeade for the summer. What would he do for money? for food? for fun? At last he heard the steam engine blow its horn and the conductor yell "All aboard!" It was now or never. With a sigh, August rushed onto the train before the conductor could close the door. He pulled his footlocker along with him down the corridor looking for an empty compartment. The jolty rhythm of the train as it was starting and the eager students made it difficult to traverse at first but slowly the train began to steadily move along and it became easier. Although after passing several compartments he realised that he had waited too long on the platform to receive an empty compartment. Hopefully he would get one with a friend or two at least. He was looking through the windows trying to find Belle when he came across a compartment with a single boy in it. A Slytherin by the looks of it, drawing blue rings in the air. Blue? Why would a Slytherin be drawing blue rings? Blue was a Ravenclaw colour.

Sliding the compartment door open, August instantly recognised Dylan when the boy turned to look at the intruder. Dylan, the boy who was on August's mind. The boy who made August want to try unnatural things with. The boy who made August question his very being. "Oh hi," August said. "Do you mind if I sit here?" he quickly added. Before Dylan could say anything August walked into the compartment and turned toward his footlocker. "Wingardium Leviosa," he told it with his wand out. The footlocker obediently flew up to the luggage rack. "Even if you said no, I'm going to sit here. The rest of the compartments are full," he said turning back to Dylan. August smiled nervously and sat across from the other boy.

[Dylan Caoimhe]

Unbelieveable, he thought slightly shifting in his seat. Dylan stared in blank amazement at the bold new appearance in his compartment. A while ago, his heart would have lurched in his chest. But now, it was a bit of an exasperation. He was numb to the butterflies he used to get, the rising, hopeful feeling in his chest and stomach. He felt absolutely nothing right now but the urge to transfigure August into a piece of litter and toss him out the window. It was like a fly that Dylan just couldn’t swat. Only this time, the fly was actually present in the physical and not the mental. He spent so much time waiting for August to come around. Waiting for August to grow up. He spent so much time just…waiting, and for something that never came. Dylan suddenly snatched his wand back up off the seat beside him, and began once again making circles, just to try and take his mind off the present situation as a little tinge of anger formed deep in the the very center of his chest.

He almost violently swiped his wand through the air, and to his surprise, the lengthy, thin line he drew was a bright shade of yellow. Feeling somewhat satisfied, he went to draw another line crossing that one, but the previous one disappeared in great blue sparks as soon as his wand tip crossed it. Thoroughly aggravated, he stuck his wand roughly into his pocket and stared out the window. He really didn’t want to be here right now. But, where else could he go? Dylan ran his hand through his hair, his long strong fingers massaging his scalp. He finally turned and looked August square in the face. He had absolutely no words for him whatsoever. But, if he were forced to make the long journey with him, then…..”So?”

[August Reid R7]

August tried his best to avoid eye contact with Dylan. He didn't feel like looking out the window however as he had seen this particular countryside several times. When you are one of the two people in a compartment it is difficult not to make eye contact. He wanted to make conversation. But what would he say? Their last meeting hadn't been exactly spectacular. That wasn't August's fault. Per se. All right, maybe it was. Maybe August did run away for no reason. Maybe he should not have lied directly to Dylan's face. But there was no way that Dylan could have known that. They barely knew each other. Previously, Dylan might have known of August because of Jack but other than that a Ravenclaw fourth year and a Slytherin fifth year had no reason to interact.

August watched in interest when Dylan made a yellow line with his wand. He smirked when the line turned to blue. The smirk quickly disappeared though. He didn't want Dylan to be more angry than he seemed already. August was taken aback as Dylan practically spat his word. A word. He obviously wanted August to say something. After all he had done all the talking last time and it had gotten him no where. It was August's turn to have a go. At first he thought of backing down but then a voice in the back of his mind told him, What have you got to lose? Taking a deep breath, "Look, I'm not going to apologise to you. You came on a little strong the other night. Er.. a few months ago. It frightened me," he explained to Dylan. "I don't know why I keep thinking of you. I don't know why I find you so attractive..." The words were out before August could stop himself. His eyes went wide. He clasped both hands over his mouth. Whoops...

[Dylan Caoimhe]

That was unexpected. Dylan felt like every ounce of moisture that was inhabiting his mouth had instantly evaporated as if someone had cursed him. He moved his tongue around vigorously against the roof of his mouth and teeth desperately, while a little tinge of something swirled in his chest and a million words flew to his mouth, yet, they were unable to be spoken. He stared at August; his hands tightly covering his mouth, embarrassment and regret etched across his flushed face. Dylan wanted to laugh, to laugh loud and hysterically so much, but his face remained unfeeling and emotionless; though he could feel something forming within him. He sat up straight and looked at August as if he were the most irritating thing that he had ever seen, though that's not exactly how he felt. Actually, Dylan didn't know what he felt at the present moment, but he could feel his mind, his heart racing and working to figure that out, and this aggravated Dylan like nothing else.

August had no power over Dylan. No one did. And yet, here Dylan was. At only a few words August made Dylan go from wanting to transfigure him and pollute the planet to not knowing which way was up and which way was down. It was suddenly very hot; he could feel sweat beads forming on his hairline, and he still didn't know what to say.

"Why?"

It took him a moment to realize that he had just spoken; obviously, seeing as how August was still holding his mouth shut. And then, he kept going. With that one word all the questions he wondered about came flooding to him. "Why did you wait all this time just to say that?" Moisture suddenly returned to his mouth and the atmosphere cooled off. "Would it have been that difficult to let me know that a few months back? Did I scare you that badly that you avoided me for months? Why waste the energy? Why-," Dylan trailed off. He still hadn't discerned what was making his heart race, or his head light, or his stomach jittery, but he knew he was angry. Not terribly angry, but, he was upset.

[August Reid R7]

August pushed on his mouth harder with both of his hands hoping that if he pushed hard enough that the words that he had just spoken would be forced back down his throat and back into his mind. He couldn't believe that he had just spoken those words. He couldn't believe that he had just let his tongue run wild. But then that voice in the back of his head spoke up again. What's the problem? It's what you were thinking. If you never said it, he would have never known. He told the voice to shut it. If he hadn't said it then he would not be in this awkward position right now. His eyes traveled down to the floor pretending that he found the floor design especially fascinating. He kept his hands on his mouth unaware of how silly he looked but he could not think of anything else to do with them.

He had done it. He had finally admitted to another person that he found boys attractive. But more importantly, he had admitted it to himself. It was something that he had always suspected to be true but he had not wanted it to be true. Being camp was not something that the Reid family did. To his knowledge, no one in the Reid family had ever been a homosexual. August could not even imagine what his mother would say (if she was able to comprehend it) much less his father. What if Jack heard wind of this? What would he think if his younger brother was a nancy boy? August had to force himself to calm down. First of all, just because he found himself attracted to one boy did not mean that he was gay. Second of all, his friend Theo was one of the nicest and most genuine people he had ever met. Theo didn't mind being gay. So why should August? ...if he was that is.

Dylan broke the silence. August slowly brought his eyes back up to land on the older boy. Dylan's tone sounded more frustrated than angry. August could understand the feeling. He had been avoiding the Slytherin hoping that if he was out of August's world he would stop thinking of him. But that had not been the case. Dylan was constantly on August's mind. Like he was haunting the younger boy. When it seemed like Dylan was just too frustrated or flabbergasted to continue, August supposed it was his turn to speak. He slowly brought his hands away from his mouth. Dylan had such an intense stare that August found it difficult to look back. "I... I... well... that is..." August stammered. All thought seemed to vanish from his mind at once. What was he saying? He was making a complete idiot of himself whatever he was saying.

"What scared me was me. I didn't want to be attracted to man. It's not normal. At least in my world. At least, that's what I thought. I was hoping that it was a passing thought. That if I didn't run into you in the corridors that I wouldn't think about your eyes or your hair. But I'm slowly realising that it is not a passing thought."

Suddenly a knock was heard on their compartment door and it slid open. August jumped a little and looked up. It was the woman with the trolley cart. Perfect timing.

[Dylan Caoimhe]

"Anything off the trolley dears?" It was a kind, sweet voice.

"No." Dylan stood up, not taking his eyes off of August, and closed their compartment door in the trolley womans' face hard and uncaring; he made a small mental note to apologize to her later which evaporated immediately into the back of his mind behind all the thoughts that were occupying his head which he were aggravatingly trying to get ahold of. He heard her mutter something about rudeness and then heard the squeaky, rusty wheels of her trolley move on to the next compartment. "So you realized it wasn't just a passing thought, huh? It took all this time for you to come to that? Well I knew it wasn't just a passing thought......some temporary feeling or infatuation that would pass in due time." Dylan hesitated for a moment before continuing. He could not stand here and ridicule August about honesty if he wasn't going to exercise it himself, which he did regularly, but this was the time for it if any. There had been so many games, so much avoidance of so much between the two, mainly on the other end, that Dylan felt like everything should be dealt with. Now.

"I knew....from the first time I had ever bumped into you. I knew. Maybe not right away, but I quickly realized that I was drawn to you.....that I wanted to be around you....to know you." Dylan swallowed. "Do you have any idea how you've made me feel all this time? Do you know how it feels to like someone and know with everything that you are that they like you back, but they run from you? For no real reason other than fear, which usually turns out be fear of nothing at all? Do you know what it was like for me to see you and practically hate you when I thought about.......I don't know.....what could be?" Dylan's' leg was vibrating uncontrollably and the compartment was very hot. "Well thats over. I don't feel like I used to." Though he had some butterflies and nervousness, it wasn't strong; he could ignore it; probably from all the involuntary practice he had received over the past few months. "When I look at you now, I feel almost nothing. Like.......I don't care as much as used to." Dylan worked his jaw. "Change that. Right now."

It was a command. He sounded like some spoiled kid, and Dylan didn't care. He couldn't deny that even though he didn't feel as strongly as he did before, he wanted to go back to that. It was a good feeling, an awesome feeling, a feeling that made him feel like he was flying through the clouds for almost two weeks. Two whole entire weeks. You don't feel like that for that long if it wasn't worth pursuing. He had been ready and willing for something to happen all this time. He wasn't going to be the one to make anything happen now. He shouldn't have to be the one to. "August," he said standing completely up. The Ravenclaw looked almost scared at his sudden demand, but at the same time Dylan could see that his mind was working frantically, but yet, he still did nothing. August just sat there. Every ounce of built up frustration set in and then exploded throughout his body; it got the best of him, and Dylan allowed it to consume him.

"AUGUST!"

Before he knew it, he had grabbed August by the front of his robes and pulled him up off the bench so that he was right in front of Dylan; the closest the two had ever been. He wanted so bad to just shake him. "Change it! Stop bloody running from me!" Dylan felt like tears were coming. He had never acted this way before, he had never let himself become so uncontrolled, but he kept the tears back. He wouldn't cry. "Make me feel." He was so close to Augusts face that he knew August could feel his breath. "Make me feel like I'm not alone in this. Like......this isn't just a one way street here."

[August Reid R7]

Anywhere but his eyes, August thought to himself. Look at anything but his eyes. He watched through the compartment door as he imagined the kind witch having the door slammed in her face. In his mind's eye he saw her shrug it off and continue down the corridor. August could see out of the corner of his eye that Dylan had never let his gaze falter. He had been looking at August the entire time and August would not return the contact. August was not one for confrontation and this situation was making him uncomfortable. He thought about running away but what would be the point? Sooner or later they would run into each other again. Plus, he wasn't sure if Dylan would let him go that easily anyway.

A quick glance into Dylan's brown eyes told August how upset the Slytherin was. August turned his attention to the window and watched the scenery pass by. He hung on every word that Dylan spoke. A small smile found its way to August's lips but he tried with all his might to hide it. Dylan's words were nice to hear. It was nice to know that someone could be drawn to you. Someone could actually want to be around you. "Well thats over. I don't feel like I used to." Suddenly the passing scenery lost interest. What was that supposed to mean? Finally August brought his blue eyes back to meet brown ones. "Change that. Right now." August brought his eyebrows down in confusion and slightly opened his mouth to form a word but the word would not form.

"August," Dylan said standing completely up. August watched his body move and then returned his gaze out the window. What did he want? Everything that August was feeling he had just told Dylan. What more could he expect? These were new feelings to him. Confusing feelings. He would time to deal with them. And now that Dylan had explained his side of things this would need more thought and planning and August was sure he could figure it out once he talked it over with Belle maybe even a trusted adult figure Professor Greene seemed to be.... "August!"

Before he knew it, Dylan had grabbed him by the front of his robes and pulled him up off the bench so that he was right in front of Dylan; the closest the two had ever been. August stared into Dylan's brown eyes as he felt the breath from Dylan's words. Using his hands August tried to wrestle himself free from Dylan's grasp. August grunted from the effort but the older boy was much stronger than he. August was slow to anger but he was getting there. He had told Dylan all that there was to tell. "Let me go!" he cried. Their faces were inches apart. "Now," he whispered. It was a command not a question. He had no idea if Dylan would listen but he had to try. "You want to feel? You want to feel alive? What's stopping you?" August tried to keep his voice even and powerful but he could hear it waver. Dylan's grasp was hard as steel and August had no idea was was going through his mind.

Strangely however, August found this whole situation kind of fun. In the back of his mind he thought that he liked being this close to Dylan. He liked feeling his muscular arms as he tried to weasel himself loose. This feeling became stronger and stronger until it replaced his anger. He let out a nervous laugh. What was going on? This was not the time or place to be having fun but he was. He let out another nervous laugh. He looked deeply into Dylan's brown eyes. He was still angry with the older Slytherin but it was mixed with pleasure and a little fear. August had no control of the situation. It was exciting not knowing what would come next. "What do you want from me?" he asked. His voice having a tinge of anger in it still as he couldn't help from yelling. "Just look at Theo. Do you want to be called a fairy too?"

[Dylan Caoimhe]

That was it. That was all that he needed. He let go. He let go of everything all at once. He let go of August's robes, he let go of his feelings of frustration, his feelings of attraction, and every other emotion he had running through him. He let go of hope, he let go of dreams.....he let go of desire. He had already had his trunk down off of the shelf and was exiting the compartment without a backward glance at the boy he had just mad handled. It wasn't worth it. Not anymore. He had given August the chance right then and there, and what did he do? What he always did. He decided to play yet another game. He chose to lie, and this time, to himself, which was one of the worst forms of self-harm, in Dylan's view anyway. He had chosen to do what seemed to be a very natural talent of his; he ran. For the life of him, Dylan just didn't understand, and wanted to kick himself. Not once has he ever been ''attracted" to anyone. And when he does end up being somewhat drawn to another person, they end up being an immature, scared, prepubescent acting little git. But Dylan couldn't deny, August's last words made him think about something he had never really thought about this entire time.

He was definitely attracted to August. So, did this mean that he was gay? He couldn't remember ever really being attracted to any girls. But then, he couldn't remember ever really being attracted to any guys either. August had been Dylan's first. For the longest time Dylan had thought that maybe he was asexual, that he just didn't want anybody. Of course he had come across people he thought to be attractive, but it always ended at that. He had never wanted to talk to, or be around, or know any of them; he looked and admired them the same way he would as if he were admiring a finely crafted piece of china; he thought they were nice looking, and it promptly ended there. But this.....this was different, and that was the only reason Dylan had even decided to open his mouth to August. But, if he would have known that he would have been put through all he had over the past few months, he never would have pursued anything; he would have just kept to himself, lived his life, and left poor little August well alone.

The train was still moving, and Dylan found himself all the way at the end of it, staring out of a shiny glass window at the train tracks skidding from under the Hogwarts Express as it steamed forward rapidly. He just wanted to get off this thing. He wanted to be alone so he could gather and clear his thoughts, clear his system...clear his head. He had never felt more stupid or foolish in his entire life, and though he wouldn't admit it, he was somewhat angry at himself. For this whole thing. If only he hadn't have been so stupid.....but....he supposed he was attempting to take a chance. He was just shooting for, well, he didn't know what exactly at first, but he knew now that he was maybe, kind of trying to find.....love, maybe? And with that thought, a thick layer of humiliation had set in, like someone had held a ten ton bucket over his head and then slowly poured thick, hearty molasses all over him. That was it......