Our Happy Ending? ((Lori))

[Theo Darke]

Let's talk this over, it's not like we're dead.
Was it something I did? Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging in a city so dead,
held up so high on such a breakable thread.
-- My Happy Ending, Avril Lavigne

She couldn't have gone far. Theo bolted out of the room, leaving Oscar, past Scott. His eyes looked left - right - left; frantic. A streak of blonde hair round the right corner and Theo was running, shoes drumming against the corridor floor. He skidded as he rounded the bend, shouting, "Lori!". She was faster, though. She had already faded through a crowd of students who were staring at her miserable form. Then their eyes turned to him, and Theo felt accusatory glares from all of them even though he knew they couldn't possibly know. Ignoring their stares, he pushed through the younger students, muttering "Excuse me," under his breath, trying not to let his rearing impatience and anger get the better of him. By the time he emerged on the other side, Lori was way ahead of him. She was evidently certain she did not wish to speak to him.

Theo felt helpless, but he was not someone who gave up easily. Narrowing his eyes, he started after her again, doubling his speed even though he knew he shouldn't be running in the corridors. He almost crashed into a couple in the year above, causing Theo to yell back his apology as he did not pause even briefly. All he knew was that if he let Lori get away now, their friendship - which was so very precious to him - would crumble away to nothing. Sixteen years of love and affection - then, in seconds, nothing. Or, Theo's conscience told him as he ran, it had not been a disintegrating few seconds, or even minutes, that had caused this rock in their relationship. No... Theo knew himself that it had been weeks - months - of secrecy. Ever since Lori had begun dating Scott, their friendship had been steadily declining, until Theo had not confided a single thing in Lori anymore. It was his fault... only his fault.

Theo caught her just as she began sprinting up the Ravenclaw tower stairs, back to their Common Room. His hand held fast as it gripped her smaller, shaking one, holding her in place against her will as he spurted out, "Lori, stop! Please just stop! We need to talk. I... I can explain." Without waiting for a response, he dragged her into the room that himself and Oscar had visited only a week before; the room that they had argued in, made up in, kissed like it was the end of the world, in. This room held memories, not all good, and Theo was about to make more. Closing the door, he turned to his best friend with sad, apologetic eyes. "I... Look, I'm sorry." He hung his head in shame, unable to meet her eyes. "I should have told you about... about us. Me and Oscar. I didn't mean to keep it from you, but it just... turned out that way."

Theo couldn't confess the ultimate truth - that he liked Scott; that he had been trying to run away from her happy relationship with him; that he had wanted a secret of his own, kept from her. He wanted to be honest, but there were some truths, he realised, that should never be told; for the damage, the hurt it would cause, was immense. It was best Lori didn't know... yet; ever. "We've been dating for a few months now," Theo explained with a soft sigh. "Since Llanrhystud... We kissed and... it went from there." It was a lame explanation, but it was no less than what Theo had offered to Dylan, the only person he had told because he had witnessed the event for himself. "I didn't even know I was attracted to Oscar until then," he protested lamely. "But I do like him... a lot. Lori, I think I'm falling in love with him. Damn, I think I am in love with him."

The words tumbled messily out of Theo's mouth, but they were filled with sincerity and honesty. He finally locked eyes with her and pleaded for her understanding and forgiveness. "I was - am - happy with him, Lori, and... we didn't think we should tell anyone, since... no one knows he's gay. We haven't talked about it, actually." Theo shook his head and continued. "I'm sorry for hiding it. I was going to tell you but I kept putting it off... I didn't mean for you to find out about it like that. I'm sorry." Theo stood there, unmoving, and braced himself for Lori's reaction.

[Lori Leigh R6]

This isn’t happening. This is a lie. But it was happening. Lori just wasn’t over the shock enough to accept it yet. Actually, she would never be over the shock. Her mouth would still be hanging wide open if she wasn’t busy running away from the whole situation. Lori didn’t usually run from her problems at all. Usually, Theo helped her face them not that Lori had been involved in any real sort of tragedy in her life. She was a sheltered girl. The only real pain Lori had ever faced was realizing a boy was only dating her for her looks and her model-like features. And usually Theo faced it for her. So, maybe she did stay away in those situations, but only because Theo was better at dealing with them than she was. This was different. Theo was the very cause of her pain. This had only happened once before and Theo knew nothing about it. Lori felt like her heart was breaking and her very best friend the only person Lori wanted to spend her whole life with was the cause of the pain. How was Lori ever supposed to face him?

Lori ran through the halls. Her long legs came in handy for something not that Lori had ever been athletic at all. She sprinted through crowds of students, their heads turning as she passed them. Their shocked faces followed the bailing Lori but she was soon out of their sight and running toward the next group of students. It didn’t take long for Lori to hear him. Of course he was chasing after her. Lori expected it. This boy used to be her prince after all. Not anymore. Theo didn’t belong to her. He never had. Lori shook her head as she continued to race the corridors. A couple of stray tears fell, but she was holding in the major waterworks for her dorm room. There she could cry and peace and Theo couldn’t try and stop her. Of course he knew this and would try all the faster to reach her before she was in her room for the night.

You should have expected this, girly. You should have figured it out. The signs were all there. You could have broken your heart before he did. She told herself. But the thoughts were not helping. Not even a little bit. Lori knew this would happen. Even if Theo was gay, she had her chance to tell him she loved him. In her head she thought maybe that would change his mind even if it wouldn’t. She could have gotten all the pain over with by telling him, but never told him. She convinced herself that keeping it a secret was the only thing to do. And now, Theo was with someone else. Someone he actually loved in a way he would never love Lori. Lori couldn’t help but blame herself a little. She had taken pride in dating Scott. She almost liked the fact that she was dating Theo’s friend that was at first, just his. This was the worst thing the usually squeaky clean Lori Leigh had ever done. And as a result she had pushed him away. Pushed him into the arms of Oscar even. Lori really felt as if he had left her forever even if he was still here. He was still a part of her. Just not the way she wanted him to be.

Theo finally caught up with her by the stairs. He gripped her shaking hand. She shook her head letting another fragile tear fall. He told her that he could explain. And if Lori didn’t have this huge secret inside her, if she didn’t love him, she could be happy for him and explain that her running away was out of shock. But it wasn’t. It was out of heartbreak. “I don’t think you can.” She said still shaking her head. He couldn’t explain in any way that would make her happy. Theo dragged Lori into a nearby room as she struggled but was too tired and sad to really put any effort in her attempt to get away. Theo turned to his best-friend and said he was sorry. She believed him. She knew he never meant to hurt her, but he had. She shook her head. This wasn’t why she was upset. He wouldn’t understand. He couldn’t understand that Lori was not upset because he had kept this secret from her. She was upset because she loved him and he loved someone completely different. Lori stayed quiet. She didn’t know what to say.

Lori’s eyes widened as Theo admitted that he and Oscar had been together since Llanrhystud. The camp that Theo, Scott, and Lori had attended together. All this time. They had been together all this time? Lori sighed almost dramatically. She gasped for a breath when Theo admitted that he loved him. “I know you do.” She struggled to get the words out. They stung her throat. “I know you love him. It’s in your eyes,” Her voiced went down to a whisper. “every time you say his name.” Another desperate tear fell. Lori could feel the pain ache in her chest. She wanted so badly to forgive him and bolt. She didn’t have to tell him. She didn’t have to say anything. But Lori couldn’t avoid him for the rest of her life. She couldn’t live with Theo and Oscar being together with this huge secret built up inside of her. What was she supposed to do? Lori tried to look away. She didn’t want to look into his perfect eyes. Theo explained it all and finally he fell silent. Lori unwillingly looked from the window to Theo’s perfect eyes. She bit her lip, looked away and then back at him. “This is more than you just keeping this huge thing from me and lying to me for months and months..” She bit her lip. She had kept a secret but she hadn’t really lied to keep it. It wasn’t like Theo ever thought to ask. Another tear. She couldn’t help it. “I want you to be happy. But..” She couldn’t say it. She couldn’t do it. “Can’t you see? Don’t you get it?” She nearly shouted at him. Lori didn’t know if she could say the words herself. “All these years don’t tell me that you haven’t seen it in my eyes, that you haven’t known but ignored it.” More tears. Prepare for the waterworks. “Don’t say that you didn’t see my heart break right before your eyes the day you told me you were gay. You have to have known.” She almost pleased. Lori slowly turned her back to him. Could she say the words? “I..” She shook her head, letting the tears fall instead. She could barely breath the tears were falling so fast so of course she couldn’t say it. She shook her head and let the tears falls. They were buying her time even if she only had seconds left.

[Theo Darke]

Theo blinked at Lori's words. In his eyes? He couldn't help a small smile make its way to his lips despite the fact Lori was crying and was evidently very upset. He knew his best friend could see right through him... Though, of course, that meant she could see through all his lies too, and Theo felt terrible now about the deception. He didn't think Lori would have felt so hurt by it, but if he were in her position - if she had lied to him and kept her relationship with Scott a secret - he would definitely have been very upset, there was no doubt about it. Maybe it would have inadvertantly been a kind move since Theo liked Scott, but his feelings for Oscar would never have evolved if he hadn't known Scott was completely and utterly off-limits since he was dating his best friend. Well, it was too late now for what-ifs. Theo just had to deal with the current situation, and to do so, he had to apologise for the mistakes he had made and hope Lori would forgive him.

"It is?" The words were on the tip of Theo's tongue, but he bit them back. What did she mean, it was more than his lies and deception? Theo was beginning to feel that there was something Lori wasn't telling him. Well, whatever it was, he deserved it. It couldn't be as big a secret as Theo dating Oscar... Lori had always told Theo everything; their relationship couldn't have possibly changed so drastically, could it? Theo frowned and waited for Lori to continue, watching her pretty face contort in pain whilst his own mind whirred in confusion. He needed answers now; yes, it was him who needed answers after he had confessed all. Theo felt much better with his sins off his chest, but he still felt the guilt of upsetting his best friend so much.

But what? Theo waited, and when she started to yell and scream at him rhetorical questions he had no answer to, he stared at her in disbelief and completely confusion. "See what? Get what, Lori?" he asked, startled by her uncharacteristic outbursts. "Ignored what?" he repeated again, frustration building in his voice. He didn't understand Lori. She was his best friend; they had always comprehended each other - they knew each other best. They knew each other so well that sometimes words didn't even need to be said for them to understand how the other was feeling, or what the other wanted. They were like twins, for crying out loud! And now, Theo couldn't even answer or understand Lori even with her shouting it into his face. It completely bewildered him, knocked his comprehension utterly off balance.

And then the clarity came; or rather, clarity mingled with confusion. What? "What?" Theo breathed in disbelief as he digested Lori's words. "What... do you mean? What did you just say?" His alarmed voice rose in pitch. "You mean to say...?" Theo's mind worked furiously and what Lori was trying to convey made perfect sense really, but he didn't want to believe it; could barely believe it was the truth. "...Lori," he started after a brief, stunned pause, his eyes wide and staring at his best friend in shock. "You... Y-You liked me?" he asked, aghast at such a concept. "But... But how?" he began to question in a cracking voice. "How?! I didn't... Why didn't you tell me, Lori? Oh my... For how long?" He stared at her for answers. "Tell me how long, Lori!" he demanded. He slowly sank to his knees, shaking his head in complete disbelief. "You... liked me," he repeated hollowly. "Oh crap. But I'm... I'm gay." He looked up to stare into her tear-stained face and stood again, steadying himself from his shaky legs. How had he not known? How?

"Lori, you're my best friend," he began gently, trying to stop the tremor in his voice. "You have always been my best friend. You can tell me anything and... you are one of the most important people in my life. I couldn't live without you. I love you so much, but... I could never like you like that. You know I can't." A small groan escaped and Theo scratched his head helplessly. "I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I ever want... wanted to do. I love you as a friend and a sister and I just want to see you happy, not sad." His hand extended on an impulse to wipe away her tears, but remembered why he was saying what he was saying in the first place and forcefully held himself back. "Don't cry for me, Lori," he said softly, trying to smile. "I'm really not worth it. There are so many guys out there who are better than me... who would make you so much happier. One day you'll fall in love! It's a great feeling and... you'll forget about me. I'm just your best friend... your brother." Theo had to stop his twitching hand from patting her consolingly on the shoulder too. Damned instincts. "I'm sorry," he concluded lamely. "I... never knew. Honestly... Believe me, Lori, I had no idea."

[Lori Leigh R6]

Lori didn’t even have to say the words for them to be understood. Maybe Theo didn’t see this coming but it looked like the whole world had. The story had been told hundreds of times. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy breaks girl’s heart. This wasn’t an uncommon story and yet, no one thought that this could ever happen to Lori Leigh. Little Lori Lexi Leigh had always been perfect. She lived in her perfect world where she got everything she wanted even if she didn’t have to beg to get it. She was loved and adored. She had a best-friend who loved her, but the perfect little world was a lie. Because life for Lori wouldn’t be perfect until Theo loved her in the way she wanted him to love her. She wanted the happily ever after with Theo! She wanted the white wedding, the doves, the two perfect blond children. For years this seemed like a reality. It seemed like something in the distant future. It was fate for this to happen, but it wasn’t in fact. Did fate really exist? Did love matter to much. Lori had stumbled into a moral that she never wanted to learn: Love does not always matter. It didn’t matter that Lori loved Theo because he didn’t love her that way. So in Lori’s mind something finally clicked: her love wasn’t important.

He didn’t get it. Theo didn’t understand. Would she have to say the words? Did she have to scream them? This was it. This was the one thing she never wanted to do. After Theo told Lori he was gay, she promised herself that she would never tell him. She had planned on telling him that summer. She wanted to tell him when the time was right. She wanted to go to the lake by the house one day with the little kids and tell him on the dock when the sun went down. But that day by the lake the only thing that was said was ‘Don’t fall into the water, Florence.’ Lori never got her perfect day and she never would. She kept this huge secret inside her for years and it was screaming to be let out. This was it. It was now or never and even though Lori had originally chosen never, she had to choose now. She had to choose it for her sake and Theo’s and Scott. This was it.

He was getting it. Lori hadn’t even said the words yet and everything was clicking in his mind. This should have been a relief for her, but it wasn’t. Theo started to mumble out words. They just came and Lori wanted to run from them. This was the last thing she needed but she had to give him some more answers. Lori shook her head letting a stray tear fall. “No Theo.” She mumbled. “I never liked you. I love you.” And there it was. She had just spilled the only secret she had ever kept. It was over and yet, it wasn’t. A few more tears fell and then they seemed to fade away. She had some more answers to give. Tears would have to wait. He began to ask how..how did she explain that? “I don’t really know how. It just is..” She paused looking to the ground and then shyly back at Theo. Theo was in complete shock. Lori was a bit shaky herself but she had a lot longer to deal with the situation. She didn’t think that this would hurt him. She thought that it would only hurt herself. It looked like she was wrong. She shrugged when he asked how long. “I don’t really know how long. I’ve thought about that a lot. When we were kids it probably began but these past few years when I finally figured out what love is, well I guess you can say that was the start of it..” Lori explained, feeling like a complete idiot. She felt like she was confessing a murder. She might as well have been. “I was going to tell you that summer you told me you were gay.” She paused. “How was a supposed to go about that Theo? ‘Hey I know you’re gay, but I love you’? I couldn’t do that! It was better to keep it to myself than have you know.” Lori looked to the ground. “In fact, I should never have told you.” She wished she hadn’t but she had.

The look on Theo’s face alone made Lori want to run away like a baby. The mound of tears were falling. That look. She couldn’t explain it. Theo sank to his knees and Lori was shocked. She had never seen her best-friend in this much pain. If she knew he would feel like this, she would have kept it a secret forever. He finally said that he was gay. Lori shook her head and caught a laugh through the tears. “That doesn’t mean anything to me Theo.” She wasn’t exactly sure what she was saying but there it was. Theo began this rant and Lori more than anything wanted to leave. She didn’t want to hear this. She didn’t want to hear any of this. This was the final rejection and she couldn’t handle it. Lori didn’t want to hear his little speech. The rejection washed over her and she felt truly alone. “I know that. But just like you can’t help that you’re gay, I can’t help that I love you. Like I said, it just is, Theo. And as much as I’ve tried to make it go away it hasn’t! God knows I have tried to move on, but look where that has left me!” She said holding her arms up. Lori shook her head. The mountain of tears continued to fall. “I know you don’t love me the same way. I’ve known that for years, but you can’t make me do something I can’t do. I have tried so hard Theo.” She said thinking of Scott and all the other boys in the past Lori had used to keep her mind off Theo. “Don’t say you’re not worth it.” She said firmly. “Theo for years you have been the only thing that has mattered to me.” More tears. “But it hurts too much. And I don’t know if I can..I don’t know how much more pain my heart can take.” What exactly was she saying? The words sounded like Lori couldn’t be friends with Theo anymore. That wasn’t quite the way she meant it, but it almost felt like if that was the only way to make the pain go away. Maybe it was.

[Theo Darke]

"You love me." Theo repeated the words faintly. Disbelief gaped across his normally composed face. "You love me?" he echoed again, blinking in shock. He was unable to comprehend it. His best friend, the person he had always thought of as his sister and twin sibling, loved him. The concept had never, ever crossed Theo's mind. Yes, so there had always been rumours about the Golden Couple when they were younger, but Theo had quickly learned he was not attracted to Lori like that, and naively had assumed she felt the same way. How stupid. He was so stupid. "I can't believe I didn't see it," Theo murmured to himself, having gone rather pale. "I'm an idiot. Such an idiot. I know you best, how did I not see it?!" He shook his head and turned away from Lori, unable to look her in the eye, and began to pace nervously around the room. "I don't love her like she loves me."

Theo's eyes flashed back to Lori, pained. "You've always lik-- loved me?" he asked, voice strained and forced. Crap. All their lives? Theo was blinder than he thought. "No no. No. I needed to know," he began to say hurriedly, falling uncharacteristically over his words. His mind was jumbled and tripping into itself with little of the grace he normally possessed. "I'm glad you told me," he forced himself to say, though he wasn't glad - far from it. "I needed to know." Theo gulped, his throat tight and constricted. He fought for calm and collectiveness. "I'm sorry. I had no idea," he repeated again - because he genuinely hadn't. He didn't know. He knew nothing about his best friend - absolutely nothing. And Theo felt like a right damn fool. How could he? How could he claim to be Lori Leigh's best friend when he couldn't even read her, when he couldn't see the way she'd looked at him for years, could only hurt her and break her heart? Theo had no right.

Theo buried his forehead in his hands, rubbing at his eyes in a stressful manner. That summer had been a revelation and all along, Lori had been hiding so much from him. She had been such a good little actress, had pretended she was okay when she wasn't. The guilt built in Theo's chest. He had been an awful friend. He had been rejoicing in his liberation whilst Lori had shut her secret inside her and fallen apart because of it. And then Oscar - oh God, Theo couldn't believe he had let her see that. His hands fell away when Lori said his sexuality meant nothing to her, and groaned. "But Lori, it means... You know what it means." He pressed forward, trying to hold himself together. "It means I can't love you like that. Ever. Even if I wanted to. I just can't." He gave a helpless shrug. "I can't... change myself. That part of me, Lori, can't change. It's me... and I'm so selfish." Theo's hand curled into a fist. "I've learnt, over the last few months, how selfish I am," he whispered angrily, thinking about his possessiveness of Oscar, his jealousy over Scott and Lori's relationship.

"If I could love you, I would," Theo told his best friend sincerely, stepping towards her again. "I would do anything to make you happy. But this is impossible." He shook his head. He couldn't do anything. He was powerless. "So what do we do now?" he asked, helpless as well as powerless. He felt so useless. This was a Theo Darke lacking in everything. This was no longer the perfect, adored Theo Darke; this Theo Darke was flawed and weak. He was vulnerable and he was human. And unlike with Oscar, no elation came with such flaws. Rather, Theo felt comdemned by this situation with Lori. From liberation to comdemnation... it had come full circle. Theo could not escape the impact and consequences of his sexuality he had taken so long to accept within himself because of the doubt surrounding him. And all along he thought Lori was his prime supporter. How wrong he was.

"I'm not," Theo shook his head as firmly as Lori's tone of voice. "If I was any sort of friend..." He frowned deeply and tried not to let the tears surface. It hurt. He hurt. And he hurt others. "Oh Lori," he groaned, "if only you knew all the flaws I have. I'm a bad person. I've been a terrible friend... not just to you, but to Scott as well. I've lied, I've... I'm not worthy to be your friend. Or Scott's. Or Oscar's." The guilt overwhelmed him so his eyes grew moist but not enough to cry. He turned away in shame. Finally, he forced himself to look into Lori's eyes again, his own wide and disbelieving. "What are you saying, Lori?" he asked brokenly, but he already knew the answer himself. "We can fix this, can't we? We can. Right?" Theo had to believe they could. He didn't want to lose his best friend. He was selfish and he wanted Lori. He could never love her like that but he still wanted her as his best friend. He never wanted that to change... He never thought it would until today.

[Lori Leigh R6]

Now he finally knew. All those years of half-hearted excuses and blatant lies had come to an end. Lori Leigh had finally told the truth and she felt awful about it. It was funny, for years Lori told Theo everything and vice versa. She told him when she had a silly crush, when she needed help with homework. And he always listened, he always helped. But the one thing that Theo actually deserved to know, she could never tell him. She always knew that it would break her heart just to hear the words out loud. Plus, she knew it would ruin her relationship with Theo. And this was where they now were. Their relationship was up in the air, hanging above the teens. What happened now? Could they just forget that this happened and move on? It seemed completely unlikely. A part of Lori wanted to hug Theo close to her and never let him go. That part of her wanted to say that it was okay and they could continue on as if this had never happened. And then there was the other part. This part was saying that it was over, that Lori needed this not so clean break. That she needed to completely move on. Lori was torn between these two ideas and she had no idea what she needed to do.

“Yes.” She replied the second time that he asked if she loved him. It didn’t really cause for a response but Lori gave one anyways. Theo’s face was twisted with twenty different emotions. That look..Lori could barely stand it. She stiffened. She couldn’t stand this. She almost felt like she was on trial. For what, loving her best-friend? How could he think that this was so far-fetched? It was bound to happen. Lori was almost destined to fall in love with Theo Darke even if he was destined for someone completely different. “You didn’t see it because I didn’t want you to see it. I never wanted to say anything because I didn’t want to mess this up..but I can see that I’ve done that.” Lori’s face turned pink with some strange emotion. It was almost like..guilt. Guilt for loving Theo, someone she never should have loved because he wasn’t hers to love. “C’mon Theo. Is it really all that crazy of an idea, me loving you? We’ve known each other our whole lives. We have only ever needed each other.. until recently. We’ve always talked about being there for each other until the end. But I never wanted to just be just friends our whole lives. That was never enough for me.”

And it would never be enough. It would never be enough to the point that Lori wasn’t sure if she could be anything with Theo that wasn’t a relationship anymore. For years she had grieved quietly and put her feelings aside. But it felt like she was being burned. Theo was getting the better end of this little deal Lori had made with herself, but Lori was the one getting flamed. She could not feel like this anymore. “No you didn’t.” Loris aid forcefully when Theo said that he needed to know. “Look at yourself, Theo. You’re a mess.” She said. He certainly was freaking out and even if he had cause to do so, Lori never wanted to see him like this. “And I’m not surprised that you didn’t figure it out..it almost makes me feel..better that you have never saw it.” Lori said finally settling on the words. Lori looked to the ground and then back to Theo.

Lori nodded when Theo asked if she knew what it meant. “Yes I know what gay means Theo.” She retorted slightly harshly. For the first time Lori had to stop herself from snapping at him. This was something Lori would never even consider doing before. But it was this situation. It was..too much. She couldn’t handle. She loved Theo; he didn’t love her. She knew this and she had accepted it. Still, a whole sat right in the middle of Lori’s heart. What was she supposed to do? Live everyday laughing and smiling with Theo and Oscar while pretending that she could be happy for them? She couldn’t do that. Too much. This was all too much. Lori let a free tear fall again, then she urged herself to keep them in. “Theo, I never wanted you to change, I’ve always loved you the way you are.” She paused trying to think of what to say. “But I can’t say that I don’t wish things were different. But wishing and hoping won’t make you straight and I understand that..but it doesn’t make it all hurt any less.” She had to explain this to him. He was just now taking it all in. Lori had years to prepare herself. She could accept the truth but she couldn’t make her reality go away. The here and now was simple: Lori loved Theo. Theo was gay. End of story.

“Selfish? Theo you have only ever tried to protect me. How on earth does that make you selfish? I kept my secret to protect myself and it backfired. I’m the one in the wrong.” She said absolutely. Even though Lori’s heart was breaking as she spoke. She still felt like this was her fault, like she deserved it. Lori felt guilty for loving Theo in the first place and now, she felt guiltier for keeping it all a secret. Lori started to the ground. “Don’t..don’t say that.” She replied to what Theo said about loving her if he could. “Don’t do me any favors.” She said meaning him saying that wouldn’t help her. It almost hurt worse. He was saying that he wanted to love her, but he couldn’t and that stabbed like a knife. Theo asked what to do next. She shrugged. She felt hurt, betrayed, and completely unloved. How was anything supposed to get better now? Maybe it was not possible to fix things. Maybe this was really over. All of it. Maybe Theo and Lori had grown up and perhaps they had grown up apart. That was possible, right? It was possible. But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

“Stop.” Lori said abruptly. “Stop it. I did this Theo. It’s my fault!” She screamed. “I fell in love with you! You didn’t ask for it and you certainly didn’t want it! I’m the one to blame so stop saying those things.” Stop insulting the one I love. But she couldn’t say that out loud. The words still stung in her mind. She couldn’t do this anymore. Any of it. The lying, the loving, the pain! Did he not see what he was doing to her now! Lori shook her head at his words that were full of pain. “I don’t…” Yes she did know. She knew what she needed to say. Lori couldn’t pretend anymore. And if she and Theo stayed friends, she would have to pretend that this never happened, that she didn’t love him. And she couldn’t do that anymore. She took a deep breath. “I can’t be what you want me to be, Theo.” She whispered. “I can’t be your pal, Lori anymore and you can’t be what I want you to be.” The words hurt more than she thought they would. “So, I’m saying that maybe..maybe this is it for us.” And there they were. The words she never wanted to see. More tells fell from her crystal blue eyes. “Maybe fate has spoken in two completely different ways, and none of this is meant to be; we’re not meant to be.” She couldn’t say the final words yet. But they would come out sooner than she would expect them to.

[Theo Darke]

Theo looked at Lori dumbly. Then, "But you couldn't have kept it from me forever," he said quietly, looking as though he had half collected himself. In his mind, he was beginning to understand; to comprehend. What Lori was saying was wrong - she couldn't have kept her love to herself for the rest of their lives; it was impossible... painful. This, right now, Theo and Lori, was inevitable. "It was inevitable," he concluded, voicing his thoughts aloud. "It's not your fault... You did the right thing. Even if..." He trailed off. Even if what? Even if their friendship became irreparable? Did Theo want that? No. Never. But it was inevitable.

"I suppose not," Theo muttered at Lori's question. He shook his head, helpless and guilty. "I just didn't want to see it... or think that it was possible. I was so certain I was right. I didn't want to think I would hurt you." Yes, Theo had thought about him and Lori several times in his life; he had to, since Lori was - or at least had been - his life. They were the 'Golden Pair' of Ravenclaw, of their year... People naturally used to assume they were a couple before Theo came out as gay. They looked so perfect together, they had had the perfect childhood. But perfection, Theo was beginning to understand, did not exist.

Theo had never wanted to believe Lori loved him like that. That was why. He could've easily seen this coming, but he hadn't wanted to. "Of course I'm a mess, Lori!" he retorted, his voice beginning to rise uncharacteristically, though he just about remembered to restrain it before he began shouting again. "My whole life - with you - has been..." He stopped. A lie, he wanted to say, but he couldn't. Theo didn't want to see the look on Lori's face if he said it out loud, if he told her the truth. It would hurt her. It would make her cry more. He didn't want that. When Lori cried, Theo wanted to cry too. When she hurt, he hurt. But that love - he didn't love her the same way she did him.

"It's just too much," Theo managed to force out instead, shaking his head again. "I can't... think straight. I'm a mess, aren't I?" He gave a shaky laugh and ran a nervous hand through his hair unconsciously. "But I don't!" Theo then ground out at Lori's words, though seeing that look on her face he quickly lowered his voice again. He would always see her as the pretty, fragile little girl he had to protect, like his sister. Always. The girl he could tell everything to. "I don't feel better that I never saw it," Theo said in a calmer voice, though it was still pained. "I feel... guilty. Yes," he said before Lori could interrupt again, "I know you don't blame me, but you know me, Lori. You know I can't not blame myself. I hurt you. Me. Me. And... I've just been so stupid."

Theo's eyes widened at Lori's harsher tone of voice. She was beginning to get angry, and Lori angry was not a good sign. But he wanted it, in a way; welcomed her anger. He wanted her to hit him and yell at him - blame him for everything so at least he could feel he had been punished for his crime; paid her back, in some futile way. But Lori had been standing there, sobbing, confessing, holding her heart out, and Theo could do nothing but apologise, over and over. And he knew it would make no difference, because the deed had been done. They couldn't change the past. Theo looked down in shame and stared at his shoes. "I love you the way you are too," he murmured. "And I'm sorry." It wasn't enough, but it was all Theo had to give.

"I still want to take my fair share of the blame," he said firmly, looking Lori in the eye again. "Fine, take the blame, but I have to have some of it too. I won't let you blame yourself. I won't. I've done enough to... I've done enough. I can't change any of that, Lori, but... just let me do what I can." Theo saw the stubbornness in Lori's eyes and knew it was a losing battle. "I want to," he repeated again. He owed her. He owed her the pain she had been suffering all these years; he owed her for the lies he had been telling during the last few months; and he owed her her beautiful, broken heart.

Theo fell into dumb silence again when Lori began to scream at him, tell him it was her, her, her. But it wasn't. It was Theo too. Theo had been wrong. He had done wrong. "But I love you just the way you are, Lori," he said again, but he knew it was lost; he knew Lori was slipping through his very fingertips. They would never be the same again. He couldn't be with Lori because he would feel guilty and she would feel pain. They couldn't be together; they couldn't be friends. Theo knew exactly what she was saying, but he couldn't grasp it. It was such an unknown concept... He had been with Lori all his life. He couldn't imagine a future without her.

"I don't want that, though," Theo said brokenly, feeling his throat constrict. He was a man, he wasn't going to cry - but this was Lori. Lori was crying right now, and Theo could feel it in his heart. "I can't live without you, Lori." His whisper was honest. He couldn't. His life would never be the same again, even with Oscar. But it was a lost battle and Theo knew Lori was gone. He had one last chance to convince her otherwise... but he would let her go. He couldn't bear to hurt her anymore. Instead, he would tell her the whole truth with this one last chance. The truth - everything he had hidden from her over the last year. "Look, Lori, before this ends.," he began quietly, "I have to tell you the truth. You deserve to know the truth. It all began with you and Scott--"

But then, Theo received the shock of his life.

[Lori Leigh R6]

Lori shook her head. This couldn’t have been the right thing to do. It felt like the absolute worst thing to do. It felt like this was the worst mistake that Lori Leigh that ever made. Actually, it was one of the only real mistakes Lori had ever made in her life. “If this was the right thing to do than why does it hurt so much Theo?” Maybe it hurt because it was the best thing for Lori to do. But she couldn’t admit that. She couldn’t admit that all this pain was worth it in the end because for the time being it did not feel that way. Lori felt like this would always hurt her, that she would never get over this. A part of her wanted to feel that way. A part of her wanted to be in love with Theo even if her mind was telling her to get over him as soon as possible. Was it even possible? Could she, could they just move on like that? Theo had moved on. Actually, he had just grown up. Lori wasn’t sure if she could even leave the room so how could she be sure that she could move on? These questions were driving her crazy.

Inevitable? This could be inevitable. Lori could not and would not ever admit that this was meant to be. It couldn’t be! Her whole life she thought she and Theo were meant to be. Forever and Always. This could not be what was supposed to happen between them. Lori could never accept that. She shook her head again, unable to say the words out loud. “Even if what?” She asked stubbornly even though she was sure that she did not want to know the answer. This couldn’t end well. Lori knew that. Maybe this was it for Lori and Theo. Maybe everything ended now for them and maybe it was what Lori needed. Either way, something had to be done. Something was about to change. Lori eyed Theo with her blue eyes. He was saying all the right things even when he wasn’t trying to. Even in this horrible situation Theo seemed perfect even though he wasn’t. Lori wasn’t perfect; Theo wasn’t perfect. And they would never be perfect together. That was the truth.

He did hurt her. Theo hurt her. But she couldn’t bear to say those words aloud to him so she didn’t say anything in reply to his comment. She stared at him with such longing in her eyes. She longed for this not to be happening. She longed to leave. But most of all she really wished that she could turn back time and never fall in love with Theo in the first place. Theo’s voice rose as he screamed that he was a mess. She had never seen him like this before. Lori knew that Theo cared for her, but she never thought that this would happen. She was supposed to be the hurt one not him! She didn’t want him to feel this way. But he did. How could she make it go away? “Theo I’ve been a mess for years. I’ve just been very good at hiding this. That’s why I never should have told you.” And she meant that. Lori barely had words to describe how she was feeling, because she wasn’t thinking in words. She was only picturing the old times with Theo and then realizing that they had no meaning what so ever anymore.

“Yes.” She said simply. He was a mess. “I don’t want you to be like this Theo. I’m hurt. Maybe I was always meant to get hurt!” She said letting a tear fall. “Don’t let this ruin you. Don’t act this way!” She wanted him to get over it. She wanted him to be in love with Oscar and forget that this happen, but maybe Lori had ruined that. She never wanted to ruin his life. She couldn’t stand it if she had. “Guilt? Theo. I ruined everything. Me. I lied. Me! I ruined this.” She still couldn’t say the words. “I could have pretended that everything was okay, but I ruined that for us. And we will never be the same. I can feel it.” The tears came freely now simply because Lori was too tired to stop them. She had to say it. She had to do something. This was more than she could handle. She never thought that she could love and hate someone at the same time. What was she supposed to do?

“I know.” She said when he said that he had to blame himself. But it wasn’t his fault. Lori couldn’t accept that. “You can’t help that you couldn’t see it Theo. And I can’t help that I love you. But you have to admit that if I had never fallen in love with you, everything would be the way it should be. We would be the same best-friends that we have always been. And everything would be perfect.” Lori couldn’t let the concept of perfect go. Not yet. She had to believe that it still existed. She had to. Lori shook her head when he said he loved her the way she was. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough for her. She didn’t want him to say he was sorry. She wanted him to say that he loved her the same way. But he couldn’t do that. She was tired of feeling sad, the anger was taking over. Lori had never really been angry in her life. Well, she had never been this angry. This had to stop. She had to end all of this for her own good. She had to do something.

“Fine. Take some blame!” She said finally. Anger filled her voice. She was mad at him now. Why couldn’t he have just let this go? Why couldn’t he just let her take the blame and call that it? It was because he was Theo. He was the most amazing guy Lori had ever met and he always would be and knowing that she couldn’t have him made her strangely angry and jealous. He said that he loved her the way she was again. She shook her head. “But it just isn’t enough Theo! It isn’t enough for me and it never will be.” She couldn’t just be his friend. She couldn’t do this anymore. “I never thought that I could ever live without you, Theo.” Her voice was breaking. Could she say it? “But I have to. I can’t be your friend anymore.” She said through the broken tears. “I will just be jealous and sad and I won’t really be your friend. It would be a lie if I stayed by your side as your best-friend. And it would hurt too much. So maybe it is time for me to be selfish and take myself out of the entire picture.” She said taking a step back. She meant it. A part of her meant it anyways. But her heart was screaming at her to take the words back. But she couldn’t. Then Theo started talking again. She wasn’t really listening. She could only stare at his perfect eyes, his perfect face. She didn’t listen to a thing he said. Lori was about to back away when something came over her. She found herself scrambling over to him and grabbing his face with her hands. Before she really knew what she was doing, Lori was kissing him. This wasn’t just some simple peck on the lips. Lori was putting everything she had left into the kiss even though she knew it would never be enough. All her anger, her grief, her pain was in it. It wasn’t soft, it was actually with a lot for anger and passion than Lori thought possible. And a few seconds after it started, Lori tore herself away. And took three steps back. “That’s why I can’t be your friend.” She said wiping the tears from her eyes and turning away from Theo. She couldn’t look at his face. She couldn’t see that pained expression. She didn’t want to know what he was thinking. She just wanted this to be over. This was it for her. She couldn’t put herself through this again. Lori was in love with Theo and it would never be enough. And that was the end of that.

[Theo Darke]

Theo stared at Lori long and hard. Then he said truthfully, "Being right doesn't mean it won't hurt... I think you can't always be right without a little suffering." His thoughts flitted to Oscar for the first time and his heart clenched painfully. It was right; and it hurt. It was so right it hurt. "Even if... Even if this happens." His hand motioned at the two of them, but it quickly fell to his side, limp. "Nothing's perfect so you can't... regret. Don't regret." Theo knew he was being hypocritical; there was so much he had come to regret over the past year. The only thing he did not at all regret was falling in love with Oscar - but that had come with its tribulations, which Theo had so wanted to avoid but had stupidly allowed to occur because of his fears.

"Stop saying that, Lori!" Theo suddenly shouted, bearing down on her angrily. Hurt and anger reflected the intense blue of his eyes. "It's too late now! You told me already, so stop regretting!" He immediately took a step back, though, when he noticed the tears welling into Lori's eyes again. Guilt overwhelmed him, but he pushed on stalwartly, resting his head in his palm and speaking softer. "You should know by now that if you hurt, I hurt too," he told her quietly, eyes briefly flickering shut. Fingers massaged his temples; his head ached. "If you were always going to be hurt, then I was always going to be hurt too," he concluded stubbornly.

Theo's anger was soon rearing its ugly head again, though. "But you're acting this way too, Lori!" he accused strongly, his eyes connecting with hers. "How can you tell me that when you're in pieces yourself? Why the hell are you so selfless?!" Theo couldn't take it; he couldn't take Lori's sweet nature, her genorisity, her kindness. He felt stifled, guilty, inadequate. He turned away form her, pacing towards the door but never straying too close. "Stop blaming yourself! Do you think that makes me happy? It doesn't, Lori, for God's sake! It doesn't make me happy at all!" Theo's hand rubbed his eye tiredly. Crying wasn't an option. "It's too late for regrets, Lori, so stop it please. Just stop," he whispered in a choke. He couldn't hold this in if she kept pushing.

"There's no such thing as perfect," Theo said brokenly, looking away in shame. "I always act like it exists and I'm a perfectionist, but if life has taught me anything in the last year, Lori, it's that perfection is a myth." He cracked a pained smile. "So don't fool yourself. Even if you hadn't fallen in love with me, things probably wouldn't have been perfect. You can't know these things, so stop blaming yourself. The more you blame yourself, the more I blame myself. You can't take the fall, I won't let you." Theo swallowed, feeling his throat tighten painfully. "Anyway, it can't all be your fault. I should have been smarter. Stop blaming yourself, Lori, because I can't take it if you do..." He blinked away the moistness in his eyes and transferred his emotions into his fist clutching his trouser leg hard.

"Please don't do this, Lori," Theo pleaded tearfully. He couldn't listen to these words and feel nothing, do nothing. He had to try and stop her. "Do you really think that will solve everything? Do you really think it'll fix it all?" But deep down inside, Theo knew it was the only way for them to stop hurting. It was the only way now that the truth was out. He just didn't want to accept it; perhaps he would never be able to accept it. However, after much internal struggle, Theo realised he was just being selfish. He couldn't fight this; he had to let Lori go. It would be unfair to think only of his own pain. Lori was always thinking of his welfare, never her own, and Theo had never been able to repay the favour. This time, he had to. He had to give in. Theo would let Lori go and pray she would be happy without him. "Okay then," he acquiesced in a hurt tone of voice. "This is the end of us. If that's what you want... I only want you to be happy, Lori."

And Theo meant it. But then Lori's lips met his, catching him completely off-guard. Theo's eyes widened in shock and his body froze. This was wrong; it felt wrong. It was as though he was kissing his own sister. Disgust and horror overwhelmed him, and if Lori hadn't stepped away, Theo would have flung her back. After he had put at least two metres between them and he had processed exactly what had happened, Theo found himself saying in disbelief, "What was that?" A spasm of pain flitted over his forehead and he closed his eyes temporarily to block out the feelings rising in his chest. "I think you're right, Lori. We can't be friends," Theo said weakly. He could still feel the burning sensation of Lori's lips against his. "I don't think I can do this. I don't want to do this to you either. It's... I can't help being gay. I can't help feeling nothing." His tone was apologetic; he didn't want to hurt Lori anymore than he already had.

Still reeling from Lori's daring move, Theo found himself stumbling towards the door. "I should go," he mumbled incoherently. Images and thoughts of Oscar, Scott and Lori flooded his mind; echoes of Dylan's forewarnings shot through them all and caused Theo's hand to tighten on the doorknob. "I'm sorry, Lori," he murmured, before leaving to find refuge in something, someone... Theo didn't want to believe.