To Think, I Like Him ((Dylan))

[Theo Darke]

((Set before the summer holidays, after Three's A Crowd.))

He wasn’t really thinking. Not any more, not clearly or comprehensibly either. Theo’s mind was littered with images of a smiling Scott and a laughing Lori, and it hurt him to realise it hurt him to see his two closest friends happy with each other. “This is wrong,” Theo thought in disgust, horrified by his feelings and behaviour. “This is not how I should be feeling. I should be happy. Happy.” Quickening his already hurried pace subconsciously, Theo blindly brushed through crowds of animated people, a dull ache in his chest and mind. He knew his destination without really thinking about it, or about heading towards it; his body was just desperate to escape the oppression he had felt enclosed within whilst with his best friends. It sickened Theo to feel this way, but try as he might – walk as fast he could in order to run away from the terrible truth – he could not erase the poisonous emotions spreading through his heart. Under normal circumstances, Theo was the very embodiment of self-control, but right now, his feelings raged war upon his mind, free and roaming with maliciousness he did not know existed. Try as he might, his consciousness could not reign them in, and mixed with his fear of himself, Theo knew he was a lost case. He had truly fallen within a crypt of human weakness he had so long avoided, and had hoped to avoid forever. Why had he fooled himself for so long? Theo knew – should’ve known, anyway – that this would happen one day. One day, Lori was to find some other man she thought the world of, and this man would surpass him, filling the shoes he once owned in Miss Lori Leigh’s life. Theo would have to give his best friend up. He just hadn’t expected it to be Scott.

No, that was unfair, Theo knew that. He had wanted Lori to fall for Scott and vice versa. His ultimate plan had been to set them up, ever since the Winter Ball. He was guilty of building his own downfall, he had no one else to blame. Angry with himself, Theo strode past some familiar classmates, but ducked his head and shied away from being noticed. He surged onwards in the hope of avoidance, choosing to ignore their cheerful laughter, for it reminded him of what he had just left behind. Theo wasn’t annoyed with his friends at all, just himself, so, so angry with himself, for the first time in his life. He tried to think calmly, even for a moment, yet couldn’t. All he could summon was jealous, resentful feelings towards two people he valued highly, and whom he had once believed belonged together. Now, Theo felt a severe possession of both – not only of Lori, his best friend since birth, but of Scott, whom he had only known for a few months. And yet, he and the Gryffindor had grown close through many things, one being Quidditch, and Theo valued Scott above some friends he had known for years. Theo felt he was losing his best friend in Lori, but somehow… and he felt this keenly as he neared The Three Broomsticks, analysing every detail of his emotions, he was more upset about losing Scott as his friend – it was almost as though Lori taking him away was the most painful aspect of their budding friendship. Why had he shoved poor, shy Scott onto the distant, hesitant Lori in the first place? Why? Theo didn’t know the reasoning behind his actions and his thoughts any more, for they made little sense. Theo always had a reason for doing and saying and thinking what he did – but not any more. It seemed this had reduced him to a thoroughly troubled wreck.

"Dylan," Theo greeted his friend when he slid into the booth the Slytherin was already occupying. Dylan Caoimhe looked and acted the same as always, and Theo was glad of his constant personality, his lack of judgement that most of his fellow housemates did not have the luck of having. "Sorry, did I keep you waiting?" His gentlemanly tendencies spiking despite himself, Theo continued to smile genially before Dylan, ordering a butterbeer and then nodding at his friend again. He felt desperate for a conversation of sorts to flow, and even more desperate for the butterbeer to flow down his throat and burn away any feelings he seemingly had towards Lori and Scott and their relationship. "I don't hate them, I don't envy them," Theo kept telling himself. Finally, the butterbeer arrived, and he took a grateful, generous swig of it, the liquid tumbling down into his stomach to wash away feelings that, unfortunately for Theo, were more than permanent, and not something that could just be forgotten. "How are you, Dylan?" Theo managed, propping his chin against his hand and looking sadly at his friend. Before the Slytherin could reply, Theo groaned aloud, closing his eyes and rubbing his other hand against them. To someone who knew Theo and his eyes, the fact they had dulled to a stormy blue was more than obvious. "What am I thinking, Dylan?" Theo voiced aloud, letting some of his tension and thoughts escape. Dylan wouldn't tell, Theo could trust him, right? Yes. Theo needed to say this, and he needed to say this now. "Why am I so annoyed that my two best friends are acting like... lovebirds?" he asked helplessly, shaking his head in disgust and shame.

[Dylan Caoimhe]

Dylan sighed, sliding on a long sleeved, dark grey shirt that he had been given a year before as a Christmas gift from Hannah, who was the director of the orphanage that he would be returning to in a very short while. He had grown some since then, well, he mainly gained a bit more muscle, but it still fit alright. He wasn't nervous about meeting Theo or anything; Dylan liked Theo quite a lot actually. He supposed he still harbored a bit of frustration from the whole ''situation'' with August. He had seen a glimpse of him yesterday, and could've sworn August had seen him in turn, but it was like he was avoiding Dylan. Before that, it had been weeks since he had seen August anywhere. The Library, the Great Hall at meal times. He knew August was going way out of his way to avoid him, and, he wasn't sorry to say he didn't care. Dylan decided long ago that he would force nothing. Things would happen and turn out like they were meant to happen and turn out; whether good or bad.

It wasn't like he was going out of his way to ''find'' August, or, ''bump into him'' or anything. He refused. At one point, he even thought August to be highly immature, but then, Dylan already knew that August was indeed younger than he was; not to say that age determined your level of maturity. He just couldn't understand why August was, running. What exactly was there to run from?

Finally making his way into Hogsmeade, Dylan quickly maneuvered between little cliques of students posted up and down the main street. This annoyed Dylan greatly, as he knew they were most likely deep in gossip about different people and happenings, and he preferred to act as if they didn't exist. Having to go out of his way to avoid bumping into them only made it that much more obvious to him that they were indeed real. Opening the door a little, he slid into the Three Broomsticks and searched for Theo. When he didn't spot him anywhere, comprehension dawned almost instantly. He was with Lori Leigh, his very best friend, and Scott Ryder. Electing to sit at an empty booth, Dylan gave a curt nod as Madam Rosmerta approached him as soon as he sat down.

''And what can I get ya' sonny?"

''Just a Butterbeer, thanks,'' he said folding his hands. He had a small thought to order two, but decided against it.

''Be right back,'' she said retreating to her bar.

Dylan watched the door intently. It opened, and starting to raise his hand to let Theo know where he was, he quickly settled it back on the table, realizing it was Gary Styles, one of the absolute biggest prats that you could ever meet, closely followed by his little croonies. Dylan lowered his head and rested it on his hand, hoping to shield his face, but Madam Rosmerta had reappeared.

''Here you go,'' she sliding it across the table.

''Thanks,'' Dylan said quickly catching it. He looked up at her in an act of courtesy, and regretted it just as quickly.

''DYLAN!''

Merlin please, he thought. Jupiter knew Dylan did not want to deal with him, not today. And here he was shouting his name across the freaking place.

''How goes it,'' Gary said attempting sit down, but Dylan held up his hand.

''Everything goes fine, and you can't sit here. I'm meeting someone.''

''Oh,'' Gary said grinning mischievously. ''Who Caoimhe? Who're you mee--''

''Gary go away.'' Dylan had his eyes closed and his hand closed tightly around his butterbeer, cold condensation running down his clenched fingers. Dylan was hardly one to put up with company he didn't desire. He wasn't a mean guy, he was just honest. And he had been ''honest'' to Gary and his crew on more than one occasion. Yet, Gary seemed to not have caught the hint just yet. Dylan looked up to see Gary blank-faced. He opened his mouth to say something, but with what little brain power he had, decided against it and walked off, his friends right behind him. Dylan popped the cap off his drink and took a long swig. Licking his lips, he heard his name and felt someone settle into his booth. Recognizing the voice immediately, he saw Theo, who looked rather disconcerted.

''Hey,'' Dylan said taking another swig of butterbeer. He stopped drinking and eyed Theo. Something was definitely off about him. ''No. you didn't keep me. I've been here for about seven minutes.'' Theo ordered a butterbeer as Madam Rosmerta was walking passed. She came back quickly and slid a butterbeer to Theo, all the while, Dylan still surveyed him.

''How are you Dylan?''

Dylan sat his drink down. ''I'm alright, I suppose-''

''What am I thinking Dylan?''

He was somewhat alarmed now. He had never seen Theo in this state, not that he had seen much of him before now. He looked as if he were ready to break or something. ''I....I don't know what your think--''

"Why am I so annoyed that my two best friends are acting like... lovebirds?"

''What? Theo, what are you.....'' Scott and Lori, he thought. That must have been what he was talking about. But then, this was odd. Dylan picked up his drink and took another swig. ''Well,'' he said still looking at Theo, ''maybe you just feel a bit weird seeing two people your close to getting close to each other.'' Dylan hardly had any experience with what Theo was going through at the present moment, but figured it was just common sense. Theo was extremely close to Lori, they were practically twins, everyone knew that. And, Theo was close to Scott. Scott, he thought. Well, that wasn't impossible, but Scott wasn't.......was he? ''Or,'' Dylan started, but found he couldn't finish. That was entirely too personal. Trying to gloss over the moment, he took a rather long swig of butterbeer.

[Theo Darke]

"Maybe," Theo shrugged miserably when Dylan suggested it was because he felt weird seeing two of his close friends become... close. "I don't know. I've never felt this way before. I don't see why I would care so much." He sighed in exasperation over his feelings. Before Theo could continue however, Madam Rosmerta appeared and asked him if he wanted a drink. "Butterbeer, please," he said automatically, rattling off the order like he'd done a thousand times before. How many times had he and Lori been here together in the last five years? Too many to count. "Thanks, Madam Rosmerta," Theo remembered his politeness when the bar owner returned with his order. She was friendly with him now, could recognise his and Lori's faces, even with so many customers. Theo flashed her a tight, forced smile, but in the busy state she was in, she barely noticed the strain behind it, and beaming at him, hurried away again to serve other customers. "Or?" Theo echoed Dylan when he trailed off and failed to say anything else. When the Slytherin, after another long pause of silence, still refused to voice aloud his concerns, Theo spoke up again. "Or?" he repeated questioningly. "Or what? You have to tell me, Dylan, because I don't know what I'm thinking any more. I can honestly say I am not the jealous kind, so why on earth would I be jealous of Lori and Scott when I've always wanted them to get together? Gods, I made them get together, it was by my doing."

Theo shook his head in disbelief at himself. "That's what pains me the most. To think it was my plan all along. And when my plan works out, all I feel is annoyance and frustration and regret. I should feel proud and accomplished." He looked to Dylan hopelessly, searching for some sort of answer in his eyes. "I know that one day Lori will find a man and settle down. Ad Scott's a great guy. He's more than deserving of her, and vice versa. I should be happy for them. She's my best friend, and he's probably becoming my second closest friend." Theo swigged his butterbeer. "It's not a matter of being left out," he continued stubbornly, feeling intoxicated on confusion and raging emotions. "I don't think so anyway. I have you and August and Belle and--" he rambled off a few more names, before catching ahold of Dylan's strange expression. "What's wrong? Did I say something weird?"

Frowning deeply, Theo drained his first butterbeer and waved his hand to catch Madam Rosmerta's attention. "Another please?" Seeing Dylan's was almost empty too, he added, "Oh, make that two. Put all his drinks on my tab, will you, Madam Rosmerta? Cheers." He signalled towards Dylan and Madam Rosmerta smiled and nodded. "Don't," Theo warned before Dylan could protest. "I'm not trying to make you owe me anything. It's just a couple of drinks. If it really bothers you, you can treat me next time." A stab of the old Theo arising a little again, he flashed Dylan a sombre smile. "I'm sorry, I sound like a lovesick puppy mourning over something I've lost. It's not like I'm in love with Lori, she's like a sister to me. And Scott, he's straight as hell and he's just a friend..." Theo trailed off, suddenly frowning again and putting his brow between his hands. "Ugh. I hate being gay sometimes," he finally admitted. "I've never been in love before and I don't know how to feel around guys. As if it's not already bad enough with everyone staring at me just because I'm gay." Shaking his head, Theo ran a nervous hand through his hair, soft tendrils catching between his fingers. "Do you know anyone else that's gay, Dylan?" Theo suddenly asked curiously, somewhat determined to move away from thinking about Lori and Scott however much they were invading his mind. "And please tell me you're not scared of me too? I swear I feel nothing towards you in that way." He tried to make it a joke, but it came out severely anyway. Theo wanted the get the point across.