When You Miss Someone ((Sapphire))

[Nasser Salah G6]

He was in a very strange frame of mind; he was very determinedly trying to force something from his mind and yet doing everything he could to stop him from doing just that. Nasser had a tendency to dwell on things that couldn’t be helped, but this time, what was bothering would have bothered anyone and probably depressed them as well, though not everyone would have chosen to deal with what they were feeling in the way he had. He hadn't really thought of whether he was sad, or angry, or upset, he had simply had an idea and decided on impulse to just do what he was thinking and not wonder about whether it was right or wrong or how he would feel after he did it – it simply felt as if it would numb the pain for a while.

Nasser was thinking about the first time he had met Dana. It made him want to laugh out loud; he'd been in such a pathetic state, and Dana – in her unique, endearing, funny way had made him feel happier. He'd never anyone quite like Dana, and he was sure he never would. To think she had actually been angry at someone herself that day - Nasser had never known who it was, he had been wallowing in his own self-pity and misery that day and his usually caring nature had not exactly shown itself, and amidst her anger had found it in her to make him cheer up was something he had never forgotten and never would. And then, everyday since then, the closer he got to her, every time she did something that he disagreed with and the rare times when they had agreed together, it had not mattered really, the bond between them had strengthened, and Nasser knew he had made a real friend in Dana, and whenever he could be there for her he was.

It was ironical that the first time he had come here to the kitchen and they had spoken it had been a time when Nasser was abandoned by the two people he called his best friends at the time. Irony. Why the heck am I even thinking about that? You'd think I'd spent my whole life searching for it – I'd be ecstatic at the moment if I had. And here I am again, back at square one, with no close friend. Dana had understood him perfectly despite their completely different personalities and temperaments. But that was the thing about friendship – or at least theirs – it was support, without question, without demands, without expecting anything in return. Nasser couldn’t believe he wasn't going to be there when she gave birth.

Nasser hated coffee. He had tasted it once and had never drunk it again. It was too bitter for him. But Dana had been addicted to it. He remembered that time he had taken some and been over to her house after her grandparents had passed away. No, he wasn't back at square one. He had a friend forever and ever. But his last two years at Hogwarts without Dana – he'd never for a moment imagined they wouldn't be at school together. Nasser shooed away the house-elves that tried to help him, taking from them only a pot of coffee, then placed the pack of chocolate chip cookies he had with him on the table he was standing before. He was sure they wouldn't taste as good as the ones Dana had baked that day.

Stupid sentimental fool. And even as he thought that, he raised the cup of coffee to his lips and drunk it quickly as if he were trying to choke down some cough medicine. He spluttered and gagged at the bitter hot taste and a few drops of it ended up on the shirt he was wearing. He wanted to swear but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words – they hardly seemed bitter enough. "Thank you Dana," he cried aloud in frustration to the kitchen, feeling around in his robes for his wand to try and clean the coffee.

[Sapphire Phoenix R7]

Sapphire looked at her reflection in the mirror without any emotion. She looked tired today, and there was no hint of a smile on her lips. Instead she wore an almost forlorn expression, idiotic though that was. Her hair at the front was pushed back by that hairband she'd almost lost in Transfiguration, and the bronze and silver threads that interwove to make patterns showed up clearly against her black hair. She fingered the threads, roughly textured as they were in contrast to the soft black velvet the rest of the hairband was made of and then brushed the hair that was hanging downwards to make it lie straight. It wasn't that easy to escape this, she'd showed herself that. She tried smiling at herself, but it didn't seem natural. She wasn't amused, and she rarely smiled at any other time anyway. She was a serious looking girl. She sighed and leaned forward to replace her hairbrush on the bedside table, her hair falling forward as she did so and covering some of the hairband she'd just brushed it away from, so that only the detail in the middle showed.

It was late to be going to lunch (she had spent a long time working this morning; after all, there wasn't much else to do) and Sapphire didn't find the thought of being in a great echoey hall eating lunch all on her own. There she would be more acutely aware that she had no one else to talk to. She did feel slightly friendless nowadays, because while from the amount she bothered Will you would think he was a friend, she still wasn't sure he qualified as one. She wanted to be somewhere private, and the most private place she could think of were the kitchens. You weren't strictly allowed in there but she doubted it would cause any trouble (not to mention the fact she was apathetic as to whether it did or not) and the house elves wouldn't mind. They would hopefully not disturb her peace and quiet too much either.

So it was that she set out to the kitchens, her high-heeled boots clicking on the stone-flagged floors of the corridors and still clumping even on walkways muffled by rolls of carpet. She analysed the sounds around her so as not to begin thinking about anything else again - the swish of her skirt, each regular sigh of breath, each second going by almost silently on her watch, unless she held it to her ear. And then the less regular sounds - the thundering of feet and shouts of a horde of second years running her way, and one more distant voice shouting "Wait for me! Oi guys... wait up!", apparently fruitlessly. Sapphire paused and glared at the group as they rounded the corner, causing an abrupt change to orderly walking. The straggler came round the corner soon after and collided with one of his peers. Sapphire walked on, and soon (presumably when they estimated she was out of earshot) the ruckus began again, along with what was quite distunguishably laughter.

Idiots, but she was the greater idiot. Sapphire stopped at the painting of fruit and tickled the pear. Even things like this because mundane by your sixth year at the school. But she was taken aback as she turned the doorknob that appeared as usual and stepped into the room, because out of anything she expected to hear 'Thank you Dana' was not one of them. Sapphire looked to the source of the sound and found it to be Nasser. He'd been one of Dana's friends too, but he and Sapphire had never talked all that much. Sapphire did stick fiercely with the friends that she made but she didn't tend to be led into too many new friendships by them, instead spending time on her own or talking to completely different people as well. But even then she was startled to hear that he seemed to be thinking about the same sort of thing as she was (because even focusing on sounds couldn't get it out of her mind).

"What's she done now?" Sapphire asked as she pulled a mug down from where a number of them were hanging on the wall and searched a little longer to find an empty jug and a teaspoon. A number of house elves crowded round her, and she managed to disperse them by asking them politely whether they would make a pasta salad for her (they were happy to oblige). She came to sit down opposite Nasser, noticing the smell of the coffee mug on the table before she noticed the fact he'd managed to spill it over himself. The smell brought back memories of the countless evenings she and Dana had sat discussing life in the common room. She filled her own mug with hot chocolate powder using her wand, and then the jug with hot milk, before combining the two and stirring with the spoon. "I always mix at least some of the ingredients rather than conjuring it ready made," she told him as she took a cautious sip of the steaming liquid and found it to be sweet but not too sweet since it came from dark chocolate, "for fear I might forget something or get the proportions wrong. That's the problem with the house elves' coffee which Dana likes complaining about - it's needs to be made from scratch to be up to her standards. Swapsies?" she asked, pushing the hot chocolate towards him and her hand lingering to take the coffee away.

[Nasser Salah G6]

Words that didn’t usually come into his head and almost never made their way to his tongue rushed into his head as Nasser realised someone had just heard him talking to himself – what would she think? But Sapphire took it in stride, and with a naturalness and easy-going manner walked across to Nasser, dealt with the house-elves that inevitably showed up at the arrival of a second person to their kitchens, and started making herself a drink. She talked to Nasser who listened politely watching the way she worked, and Nasser told himself that he wanted to be that way, talk to people he met the first time about little things without wondering what they would think of him, to be natural - to be himself. Nasser had gotten over his shyness a long time ago but he still found difficulty when he was hurt by something to try and ease the pain in easy things like talking to people, he was always afraid they wouldn’t understand, but the truth was he never gave them the opportunity to understand.

Nasser had never exactly known Sapphire. Dana had been one of those people that had so many friends and he'd only known her for just under two years so somehow he'd never quite got to know who was close to her and who wasn't out of the many people she knew. He did remember that Sapphire was one of the few students that were good at History of Magic - it was a wonder that he did, considering how little attention he paid in that class and that only when he wasn't sleeping. After his abysmal mark on his OWLs he had finally given up on the subject – not that he wasn't doing enough NEWTs as it was. He looked down at his robes and remembered he still needed to clean them.

At the mention of Dana he remembered Sapphire's first question. "I wish it was something she had done," said Nasser, not exactly sure how to explain. She'd already found him talking to himself – could he explain that he was pining for Dana and thought this was some way of reliving a fond memory or somehow just feeling close to her? "Evanesco," he chanted, and the coffee was off his robes. He looked up at Sapphire. He found was looking into what he fancied were intelligent eyes, a pugnacious chin and firm line of jaw, framed by straight dark hair that cascaded down her long neck and curled just under her shoulders. Her face was serious and yet when she talked he liked her voice and found her easy to look at.

"Yes please," said Nasser with a look of distaste at the mug. Swapsies. What a funny word! "This is the second time I've ever tried coffee. I still don’t like it much. Dana just always loved it so much; I guess I was just trying to – " Just where exactly am I going with that sentence? He shrugged off the end of it. Nasser took a sip of his drink to give himself something to do. "Mmmm," he said, pleasantly surprised to find how much he liked it. He wondered how it was that Dana had never introduced them to each other? "This is very good," he said after his second sip.

[Sapphire Phoenix R7]

It wasn't until she'd reflected on his initial expression for a while that she realised she had probably made him a little embarrassed, or at any rate uncomfortable by making it so perfectly clear that she'd heard him cry out to himself, or rather to the whole illogical and injust world. Since it wasn't really just Dana's fault. She could possibly have concealed her presence until such a moment as he might be left feeling unsure as to whether she'd heard or not - and thus less embarrassed, but really she didn't mind at all and so there was no need to leave any doubt about the matter. Besides, she wanted to talk to him about it. It wasn't just that her curiosity had been aroused by the impromptu mention of her friend, but also that one off-guard comment had given her the feeling that even being complete strangers, they might understand each other on one point. The feeling of frustration and hurt that mattered to her more than anything right now.

She smiled slightly as he took advantage of the moment's silence to clean his robes. He could have done so earlier and she would probably not have realised he'd spilt anything in the first place, but he'd been polite enough not to. He was evidently considerate, she noted to herself. She was the kind of person that took interest in people's personalities because, not being fond of uncertainty, she liked to have some idea how they would act in different situations. She didn't bother to decide whether they were right or wrong though - it was just herself she felt the need to worry about that with. Not that she spent all that much time pondering what actions she should take; she acted and spoke very much on instinct.

Sapphire stared at him in an offhand manner initially as she tried to make sense of his response to her question. Yes, well since Dana wasn't here should couldn't exactly do anything, could she? But for Sapphire, the lack of Dana's presence and actions counted as something. She wasn't sure whether she really understood what he meant or not - she could be entirely mistaken. So she just looked back at him, her gaze half-questioning and half-thoughtful, until she realised he'd already been disconcerted once by her presence and that since she wanted to talk to him, she would have to try not to intimidate him whether or not he was easily intimidated. She didn't know that about him. He shouldn't be, he's in Gryffindor, right? she began to think, and then reminded herself that she didn't set much store by what houses people were sorted into anyway.

Sapphire relinquished her hot chocolate as soon as Nasser accepted her offer. She blew on the coffee, afraid of burning her tongue on it (he must have spilt it down himself for some reason; she expected because it was too hot), before sipping it even more cautiously than she had tested the hot chocolate. At least she'd had some idea then of how hot the milk she'd added had been. The coffee didn't taste too bad really - it was just very standard. Sapphire didn't ever drink much coffee, especially not at lunchtime, as it had never been a huge favourite of hers. Then again, she hadn't used to drink hot chocolate by habit at lunchtime. Just these little changes in her habits signified much larger ones in how she was feeling. She regarded him again as he spoke. Sapphire never really realised how offputting her glance could be - after all, she had never been on the receiving end of it. She found herself wondering whether he ever finished saying what he meant; he'd been very ambiguous in his reply to her question.

"Trying to bring some essence of her back here?" Sapphire presumed to finish his sentence for him after a moment's hesitation. "I... don't think that's possible. As long as she doesn't want to be here, and for as long you know that in your heart of hearts, you're not going to be able to bring her any closer to reality than memories you're terrified to touch upon because doing so hurts." She shook her head momentarily, knowing that she was talking about herself. "I can't bring her any closer. I can't push her any further away." Her hand lingered on the dark velvet of the hairband as she thought about it. "I tried," she added quietly, taking another sip of his coffee and smiling at his comment on the hot chocolate. "I like hot chocolate too much to accept it when it's only second-best." she said. She'd not been content with her magically prepared version of the drink when she'd first started making it; she'd worked to improve it until it was as tasty as anything she could make by hand. "Dana hated it, of course - chocolate was just as bad hot as cold for her. Maybe she'd have preferred it if I put some brandy in there," she said, her eyes lighting up with the mischief behind that comment before turning sombre as the implications of having no one to share the relevant memory with occured to her. There had been so much blood, she remembered. So much that it had alarmed her - although perhaps not so much as Dana's behaviour. Before that incident she'd considered Dana a friend; afterwards, she thought of her as one of the very closest friends she had.

Sapphire looked back to Nasser as she cut herself off from wistful reminiscence and her original thoughts about him not saying everything he meant returned, still weighing on her mind. She'd never been one to bite her tongue.
"You don't have to worry about what you say," she told him abruptly. "I'm not about to tell Dana." She paused for a moment, her thoughts bitter even though all that showed on her face was sadness. "We... I... things were never quite resolved between us after a Death Eater persuaded her to throttle me." Sapphire touched her throat gingerly. She could still remember the feeling. Dammit, she could still remembered Dana pointing that wand at her, even though it didn't override all other memories now. "I'm not sure they they ever will be... now." As she drank a few more drops of the coffee, she focused on the memories she had that included the drink. It had never been an integral part of their friendship, but perhaps this smell (and the knowledge of who must be around that came with it) was one of the things she missed. "What's the importance of this?" she asked, gazing into the unappealingly brown liquid sitting there in the mug. "The coffee, I mean." She remembered his saying that he didn't like it much. "I'm surprised you didn't focus on a similarity if you were trying to..." 'Why should anything surprise me anymore?' she thought, and with that she forgot what she'd been about to say. "You didn't say what exactly you were trying to do," she said, thinking that might be a sufficient explanation for why she'd had to pause to think. "Was it the differences that mattered... that matter?"

((My usual apologies:
1. I won't apologise about how long it took, no point.
2. I'm sorry that it took me four paragraphs to get to the point, but... I was tired when I was writing, and I pushed myself to finish (which wasn't until 1:20 am.) At the same time, I couldn't miss anything that came to mind out...
3. I'm sorry for stealing your way of putting direct thoughts in posts. I just like it so much!))

[Nasser Salah G6]

Nasser found himself smiling at Sapphire because she’d hit the nail on the head. “I think that it is exactly what I was trying to do,” he said. Can someone have intelligent eyes? Or is it that just a fanciful description authors use? I’d use it to describe Sapphire if someone asked me to. It was the second time he’d thought that. He thought he could detect that she was a little tired too – but of course she was. She was going through the same thing he was going through. I hate to see her pain, but it’s exactly what I’m feeling. It’s why I’m here know, stuck no knowing how to stop thinking about her. Nasser was over his initial embarrassment, mostly because it was good to finally talk to someone about Dana, and someone who was a friend of hers. Missing her was hard enough but he was also worried about her and her baby. Dana would love her child to death, he knew that for a fact, and she herself hadn’t had the most normal of families and wouldn’t resent her baby for being the result of a one-night stand; she could have had an abortion in that case, not that he knew what her stance was on abortion, they just hadn’t had the time to discuss her pregnancy. They’d only started to discuss it and she said how excited she was about it when she had to leave, and Nasser hadn’t known whether the reality of her being a teenage single mother had sunk in to her, or if she was in denial of some sort, or just what exactly was going on inside his complex stubborn friend’s head.

And he’d felt guilty about it. Because he knew there had been a time after the exams when they hadn’t talked and the year had ended badly for Dana, she’d had a run in with the Death Eaters and Nasser hadn’t gotten the chance to really discuss it with her, and then he thought she just needed some time. But he was wrong, and it made him feel guilty. Dana had done the worst thing she could possibly do to relieve her pain, and Nasser hated himself for not being there to stop her from doing it. And finally now Sapphire was giving him some solace in knowing part of why she’d done that. “You know, when I found out she was pregnant and that she’d turned to a stranger for comfort I wanted to throttle her, or myself for not knowing I should have been around that summer and stopped her from acting the way she did. I wondered why she didn’t turn to you if she didn’t want to turn to me for some reason. But now I know what caused the rift between you,” he said. Her smile was gone now and so was his. He noticed it because it had been the first time she’d smiled since she arrived and he’d found it quite noticeable, it hadn’t been a sad smile, but rather mischievous he fancied. Her eyes had certainly looked that way after the brandy comment and Nasser had warmed to Sapphire. He nodded knowing Dana would have.

And it was like a dam had broken, the feelings inside him had to be expressed, he’d felt them for so long in silence. Not only did they have to be expressed, but he wanted to explain them as best as he could, because Sapphire had been honest and open about her own feelings. “And along with that guilt there’s this completely other intense feeling,” said Nasser. He looked at Sapphire for some time and took the last sip of his hot chocolate. "This is rather hard to phrase. You see, I had so much I wanted to give her. I mean, I was filled with so much to give, and that’s not something I’ve felt towards a lot of people in my life. But I knew genuine happiness in just being there for her and feeling like I meant so much to her because every time I did something for her that made her happy it felt wonderful. It felt wonderful to know that giving really is satisfying, not giving in a charitable way, which is rewarding in a completely other way, but just giving yourself and your time to someone who appreciated it and let you know it without having to say it. We understood each other perfectly if not why we were the way we were. I mean, I could never imagine why Dana was insecure about some things. She used to act like she was completely confident in herself and in everything that she did and insecure is the last word anyone who didn’t really know her would use to describe her, but in some ways she was. And that completely baffled me and I wanted time to understand it, or why she felt it because I could understand it but not the reason behind it. And Dana does talk a lot but it takes time for her to address important issues in her life and share them even with friends. I felt so much – still feel so much – and there’s no-one to direct those feelings towards, or at least someone who would respect them and want them the way I know she would.”

After his long speech he walked over to her and slowly took away her coffee. He slowly took the hand that had been playing at her head band and then gone to her throat and gave it a little squeeze and then let go. He waited for her to look away from the coffee and into his eyes. “Someone once told me that you have to allow yourself to receive love. I never understood that till I met Dana. She was always afraid because of things that she had done that we wouldn’t love her the way we did, or wouldn’t continue to do. So much happened to her and I think it made her that way. I wish she was here so I could ask her, but I think that may have been the case with her,” he said. His sadness was mirrored in Sapphire’s eyes, and he wanted to hear more about what had happened. But he had a question to answer first. “Everything mattered. But you see I don’t know that we were similar in any way. And it’s not just the coffee. This is where I first met Dana more than a year ago,” he said with a shrug. “I brought coffee to her when her grandparents died, it was the only thing that came to mind when I hurried over to her place. I think that’s just always stood out in my memory as one of the stupidest and smallest things I did for her but something she’d appreciated so much,” he said.

((1. Don’t worry.
2. Of course you couldn’t and shouldn’t.
3. Thank you – I don’t think I’m the only person who does it anyway))

[Sapphire Phoenix R7]

Sapphire smiled back at Nasser without even thinking, just giving him her automatic reaction to someone smiling at her. But once she'd realised what she was doing, and her smile had slowly faded, she felt a little bit colder, her heart a little bit heavier, as if smiling had not added something to her but rather taken something out of her. It felt wrong, and that made her feel angry, which made her feel worse still. But despite this, she ended up smiling at Nasser again, a sort of sad twitch upwards of her lips that was almost a non-entity, but that nonetheless was a smile. It didn't feel good, but now that she'd smiled once, the forlornness that had been predominant on her face before felt worse still. She looked down, biting her lip and forcing utter seriousness onto her face, before looking up and finding that she just couldn't maintain it. Sapphire found Nasser already gazing at her, seemingly effortlessly unlike for her for whom it was more natural to look downwards at the moment, and she wondered whether he saw the same pathetic, worn-out and struggling girl as she did when she looked at herself in the mirror. The friendless girl. Sapphire did feel friendless at the moment; even though she still had good friends around her, and it might not have been fair to them to feel so, she wasn't sure that she could count the person she'd been closest to as a friend anymore. That was a mighty big hole to be filled.

Sapphire didn't have any comment on his fruitless attempt to imitate Dana as though that were enough to bring a part of her back. They both understood why he had wanted to do it, she thought, and there was no point her asking him why he had even thought that it might work. So she stayed quiet. But she started a little as he reused the word 'throttle' in his own context, and something flared in her eyes for a moment.
"No, not throttle," she said. "It's not pleasant. Trust me, I know." She fixed him with the glare of a bird of prey. "You didn't really think... exactly that, surely? You just... need to choose your words more carefully? Right?" The look of a hawk had slowly faded, to be replaced by her uncertainties as she considered the horrible irony of his having really felt angry in that specific way. She hoped he hadn't. It really would be too horrible for her to be able to think about. Besides, to be that angry at someone was one thing; to think how you might take it out on them was nothing short of scary. She regarded Nasser surreptitiously. He didn't look like that sort of person, and while Dana chose her own friends and many very different friends, she didn't think Dana would have chosen a friend that strange. That was too far.

She tried to smile at him again, wanting something to be normal. "Yes, it has made a rift between us." she agreed. "And I don't know whether I'll... ever... be able to close my half of it now, without her here to help me do it. Because much as there was a wedge forcing us apart, she's still the person I would trust best to help me put it all behind me and either close the gap or just move on." Sapphire shook her head. "I do want to move on, quite often, be able to just decide that maybe... maybe..." Sapphire looked up in puzzlement. "I don't know maybe what. I can't move on when the friendship I'd like to move on from is with the friend who would help me do just that." She shook her head again, dislodging a few stray tears which she wiped away angrily as she hung her head. "She wouldn't wish me forgotten so soon, I'm sure, but then maybe that doesn't signify so much since she's moved on to another country before we've patched things up. Long distance friendship can work fine, but trying to mend things long distance before you've even established where you're standing... I don't think it can."

Sapphire's words might have been utterly lacking in hope, but she had enough hope to listen to what Nasser had to say. Hope that he might have an answer, somewhere. Not an answer to stop the pain she felt at what seemed like the total loss of a friend to her, just an answer as to why the pain was worthwhile. And what he said made her think that for him, at least, the pain was worthwhile, because he evidently had so much understanding with Dana, even if they hadn't been talking enough recently. Possibly even more understanding than she had. Listening to the details he gave her, and recognising a few of them, made Sapphire think of everything that Dana had meant to her, and of the details that were special just to her just like she expected some of the things Nasser had mentioned to her were special just to him. She barely felt it to start with when he took hold of her hand, and then when she realised as he let go she looked up in slightly startled surprise. She'd been too busy mulling over his words. She wasn't sure that she entirely liked that he'd done it, but there wasn't exactly much she could do about it now. So she listened on, and when he had finally finished she waited for a moment before speaking, this time keeping her head up high even though it still wanted to hang downwards.

"I'm full of negativities today." she said. "I'm sorry. I think that... I thought that... Dana and I understood each other, without actually needing to say that we did or confirm it. I still hope that we do. But sometimes... I think that I'm being proved wrong. Perhaps we're not the same people as understood each other anymore, and we haven't given each other enough chance to get to know the new people but... before, I think we did. Probably the friendship you had with Dana was very different to the one I had; possibly it was worth more. The one I had is worth just as much to me, though." She looked at him sadly. "And maybe you've lost more now. I don't mean losing a close friend and becoming less close which we both have to cope with so much as... the loss of what might have been, the opportunity to understand someone great and good, and human and vulnerable as far as she would let you. The loss of more coffee moments where it didn't matter what exactly you'd done, but that you'd known and understood what she needed when she would have been scared to let you see what she needed if you hadn't already understood."

[Nasser Salah G6]

"I apologise for my tactlessness, I should have chosen a better word," said Nasser, and he noticed once again how piercing her gaze could be, but he did not shy away from it. And he finally noticed that she was trying hard to keep her chin up, unlike Nasser who had plunged into a long almost melodramatic speech part of which he thought she hadn't really comprehended though he had tried his best to articulate it. He had not known before that her smile was mechanical, but he'd noticed finally when her hardened expression had disappeared and she tried to regain her previous demeanour and not succeeded very much. Nasser was silent as Sapphire talked, and for the first time he felt less sorry for than himself than he had. It was so much more complicated in Sapphire's case. And she was right, there was nothing he thought he could do or say right now that would help her find the closure she needed, he simply didn't know her well enough and maybe even if he did, that might not be enough. He wanted to ask her more about it but didn't. The memory was painful enough already and he didn't think her telling him about it, at least for now, would be of any help. Nasser looked down into his cup as he sipped it, aware that he was almost done.

He let the topic drop for the minute and addressed her next questions. "You know, I wasn't really thinking of that," said Nasser thoughtfully. But that's so true; it's why I feel like mourning. "I suppose it hasn't completely sunk in how much I've – we've – really lost – don't you often wonder how long it really takes to know a person?" he asked. "That was the thing about Dana though wasn't it? She surprised me, just with little things that didn't really matter, only they were so many that they did, I mean, just experiences she'd had or parts of her personality that I didn't really know. You're right Sapphire; I genuinely took pleasure in growing with Dana, in discovering her, learning about her and her life, I could never bore or tire of knowing her – but the way things are now means we can't be the way we were – and I'm so tired of thinking," he said suddenly, the last sentence coming out a little less coherent than his previously emotional but more thoughtfully constructed sentences. What were they doing here?

He'd been so comfortable looking at Sapphire before, even reaching out to hold her hand, and yet now he couldn't look at her, afraid that they would somehow only help each other drown in their misery rather than help each other to safety. They both hurt, but in different ways, and Nasser sensed it was harder for Sapphire to talk about. Nasser was a guarded person by nature, he didn't confide in people easily, but this was Dana they were talking about – the person who reached out to anyone, talking to them as if they were an old friend. And in the spirit of capturing her essence, he was doing the same thing himself, but he didn't think he was doing a very good job of it. He felt a pang of guilt. It wasn't Sapphire's fault, it was a simple question, yet he had to answer in a hundred rambling words, trying to make sense of something that didn't, pain was pain, you just had to suffer and endure. But not alone. He was sorry he'd felt a little resentment towards her for reminding him of that. He didn't take her hand again but instead he stood beside her, close but not so that their shoulders were touching.

He was done with the hot chocolate and the temporary warmth in his hands and his insides had dissipated faster than it should. Nasser found himself closing his eyes, willing it to come back to him so he could hold onto it for a few more moments, but it was gone. When he opened them, he uttered the only sincere words that came to him. "I wish you could find closure. I cannot claim to have known Dana better than you did. I wish that one day you'll find someone you can talk to the way you did with Dana. I don't know what type of friendship you guys had but I know she always told me she valued it just as much she did mine and I don't doubt you had your 'coffee moments' too - and I don't think that you're being proved wrong, I just think you guys needed time - I think if that experience had irrevocably ruined your friendship Dana would have said something to me. And I hope you talk to me if you should ever want to," he said finally turning to look at her again. He held up his empty mug. "Take pity on me, don't make me lose such s a delicious drink too," he said. And for some reason he knew his eyes were brighter now, but he didn't care that much. He hadn't cried at all since Dana had left. He didn't think he was going to cry now, but the one or two tears he wiped away had been trapped for quite some time now. I've been heard.