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Post by Professor Adam Greene on Aug 11, 2007 21:34:33 GMT
Death seemed like a better option. Or maybe, maybe he could just split his soul in two, both living an equally happy life far away from one another. Whatever it boiled down to, Adam knew that making a choice meant hurting someone that he cared about. He wasn't sure if he had avoided letting himself make the choice just to avoid the pain or if he really hadn't a clue what he would do. It's easy, he told himself. You either get Dixie or you get Rae. You can't have both. Just pick one. Pick one, and move on. Get it over with. Rip off the band-aid.
Sprawled out on his couch, Adam's eyes were glazed over with a combination of tears, time, and the uncontrollable feeling that he was spiraling so out of control that it seemed impossible to find his way back. He starred at the ceiling, wondering if he might be able to just fade away... No. He was done running. It was time to face everything head on. He was stronger than this, wasn't he? "Dixie. It's Dixie," he said, sitting up with a sudden burst of confidence. He had been telling himself the whole time that it was Dixie, and then... well then he could only imagine what Rae's response would be when he told her. How heartless he must have been to even think that everything was going to be fine when he allowed himself to reel her into all of this. She was an innocent bystander, and he himself would be the one who had to pull the trigger. There was no backing out of it. No running away this time.
It was true- he couldn't run away anymore. Having invited Rae over, she would be there any minute. Soon, Adam would have to step up and accept the consequences of his actions. It wouldn't be so hard, he reasoned, if it didn't mean hurting Rae. If it was only himself who was hurt, Adam could have accepted it more readily, but at the instant he realized others were involved, he hated himself for what he had done. Knocking at the door startled him. His heart-rate began to increase, and a wave of fear, regret rushed over him. Slowly, he made his way to the door, one foot after the other. Before opening it, he let out a long drawn out breath. "Hey," he said, forcing a smile on his face when he saw Rae looking back. Her own smile was like a dagger in his heart. He was frozen for a moment, as she walked by him, into the apartment. Standing at the door, he collected his thoughts and then turned, closing it behind him.
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Post by Raelee Gray on Aug 13, 2007 17:48:44 GMT
Rae ran her fingers through her hair, well...as much as she could while it was curly, before taking out her wand and straightening it with a simple beauty incantation. Rae had been using the spell since her fourth year when she had gotten annoyed with her curls. Sometimes, though, Rae likes to keep her hair in curls so she won’t bother to straighten them...most times, though? She likes to have it straightened...more so recently than ever before. She wasn’t sure why she liked wearing her hair straight now, but she wasn’t going to worry about it too much. She looked at herself in her mirror and waved her wand once more to pull her hair back in a pony tail. It was a small pony tail because of how short her hair was, but she liked it nonetheless. She hummed and pocketed her wand before slipping her feet into her shoes, taking a moment to tie them, and grabbing her purse off her dresser top. She was heading over to Adam’s for a bit, he had asked her to stop by and...Rae felt there might be something wrong. It made her a bit anxious, but Rae kept telling herself that whatever it was, she could deal with it.
She looked around the cottage as she left her room. It was nice. She was glad she had found it when she had and at a reasonable price, too. It was going to take some renovations, but that was why Rae had fallen in love with it. She loved projects and this cottage was most definitely a project. She hummed more and entered the small kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling out a bottle of water. Cracking it open, Rae surveyed the small cottage. The kitchen and the living room were adjacent with a planter’s wall splitting the two. The living room was moderate size with new wooden flooring and a rug she had taken from her parents’ house. There was a floo fireplace (which she had added because she lived in a muggle cottage) and a nice bay window parallel to the fireplace. The kitchen had about four feet of counter space with a fridge, stove, and sink. She would have to upgrade the kitchen, but that would surely be no problem. There was a small wooden table set a few feet away from the counters as well. Down the hall from the kitchen were two bedrooms and a bathroom. The bathroom was the room that needed the most renovations. It had a very old fashioned toilet and the bath was a claw tub bath...no showers, and Rae liked her showers. Her room was the room the furthest down the hall. She hadn’t started to work on her room but she knew what she wanted to do with it. The guest bedroom she was going to turn into her studio, because she doubted she’d ever have any guests. Over all, Rae liked her new home. It was the right size for her as compared to her parents’ over large mansion that she had grown up in.
Rae finished her water and threw the bottle into the trash bin before pushing her purse onto her shoulder and heading toward the fireplace. She grabbed the packet of floo powder off the mantle and opened it up, taking a hand full of it before closing the packet again and setting it atop the mantle like it had been previously. She stepped inside the fireplace and threw the floo powder down, naming the Leaky Cauldron as her destination. Within moments she was in the Leaky Cauldron, saying hello to anyone and everyone as she pushed past people into muggle London. She knew where Adam lived, well... she liked to think she did. She remembered what it looked like, but she probably wouldn’t be able to get there by walking. And she wouldn’t ever take a taxi. So, stepping into a back alley, she checked to make sure she was alone before closing her eyes and imagining Adams place, disapparating from the alley and reappearing a moment later in front of his place. Rae hadn’t been really nervous or anxious all day, but now she was. Her mind went in circles over what Adam could want to talk about. She chewed on her bottom lip and closed her eyes, when she opened them again she realized she had made her way to his door.
She took a deep breath and raised her fist, knocking on the wooden door with her knuckles. It was only moments before Adam opened it. Rae smiled, hiding her anxiety and kissed his cheek as she entered, “Hi.” She said in reply to his greeting as he shut the door behind them. Rae knew that something was going to happen today, and she tried to force back the feeling that it wasn’t something good.
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Post by Professor Adam Greene on Aug 18, 2007 1:47:56 GMT
Rae's subtle kiss on his cheek felt so wrong for Adam. It was if he didn't deserve it; it was a wasted kiss that he felt she should be able to take back. In fact, Adam felt that each second that passed was a second more of Rae's that he was wrongfully stealing in a way. It was this feeling that caused him to spill his thoughts rather freely and recklessly for that matter.
"I made a lot of mistakes," he spluttered, even before Rae had much of a chance to sit down. The words spilled out of his mouth and were cut of by a quick breath of air. The look on Adam's face was one of shock like he had been scared out of his mind by something. "I lied... to you, and to myself. And... and I hate myself for it." The words left his mouth, taking along some of the weight that had been on him. However, he didn't feel any better about it all. Telling the truth and getting everything off his chest only made him feel worse inside. He had done a terrible thing, and his only excuse was the blinding love that controlled his every move. Adam wouldn't accept that excuse though, or at least he tried not to allow himself to use it.
"Rae, I care about you... I really do..." The words were of the notorious kind that so obviously hinted of the 'but statement' that would soon follow. "But..." There it was. It followed naturally as Adam wasn't even able to stop himself. "...I'm not sure if I ever loved you." Quickly realizing that the words didn't do justice to what he meant, he clarified a bit. "I mean, I loved you; just not the way that I love... the way that I loved Dixie." There. He said it. The words had left his mouth, and Rae knew the truth
He wasn't even able to make eye contact with her. All he could imagine was himself tearing her heart out and ripping it in two. What was worse was that he had already been through this feeling once. Now, he had managed to hurt not just one person that he cared about, but two.
"I'm sorry..." he said weakly. "I know it's not enough, but you deserve the truth. You don't deserve to live in the pathetic lie that I created. I was stupid, and selfish, and pathetic, and... and..." his voice trailed off, leaving only the pounding sound of silence that beat through Adam's head to the pace of his heart; the heart that was so confused. The heart that was so regretful. The heart that was so completely depressed, alone, and blue.
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Post by Raelee Gray on Aug 21, 2007 18:50:26 GMT
Adam began speaking the moment she was in the door and it was closed behind her. She hadn’t even had the chance to sit down, but that was okay because she figured if Adam was going to start out the conversation with those words she might want to slowly sink into a seat. She watched his face, with a look of utter terror upon it, as she sank into one of the leather chairs they had picked out together. At this particular moment, that seemed so far away. “You lied to me?” Rae repeated quietly as Adam continued speaking. She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at her boyfriend. Being told that she had been lied to was something that Rae really didn’t want to hear. She shook her head, “Don’t hate yourself, Adam,” she told him just as quietly as she had repeated what he had said. The fact alone that Adam could hate himself over lying to her and to himself was one that didn’t fit Rae very well. Adam shouldn’t hate himself for any reason. Now, the question remained – what had he lied to them about?
He spoke again, using a phrase that clearly had a ‘but’ attached to it. He cared about her, he really did…and Rae could finish that sentence for him. She practically mouthed what he was going to say as he said it. She nodded and closed her eyes, lowering her head so when she reopened her eyes she was looking at her hands. She wasn’t looking at them through tears, though, because in all honesty? Rae knew this might happen. She wasn’t dumb, Rae was rather intelligent. After all she was placed in Ravenclaw. After Adam had finished, well, rather after he had trailed off in his sentence; Rae looked up at him and offered him a small smile; “Don’t…Don’t hate yourself for it, Adam.” She stood from the chair and crossed her arms, looking down at her feet before looking back up at him again and shrugging; “I can’t tell you that I wasn’t worried that this might happen, but I also can’t tell you I didn’t prepare myself for it.”
Rae sighed slightly and then shrugged again, she wasn’t upset surprisingly. She had actually been telling herself this might happen. When she and Adam had talked that day on the Grounds, she had known that if Dixie ever came back – Adam would be forced to choose and that he would most likely choose Dixie. Rae wasn’t dumb. And she wasn’t going to beg Adam to choose her. All Rae wanted Adam to be was happy and she knew that Dixie could make him happier than she ever could. He and Dixie had something that he and Rae never had and Rae was willing to accept that and let him go. “In all honesty, Adam,” Rae smiled at him lightly, “This was what I was sceptical about the day we decided to be together. It’s only plausible that I should’ve been, though, huh? I guess I only knew that it wouldn’t last and I’m…” Rae trailed off in thought.
“I’m okay with it all. I never really expected you to love me the way you did Dixie. They were two completely different forms of love. I get that. But,” Rae smiled at him “Thank you for being honest with me. I guess, deep in my heart, I knew I’d always be second.”
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Post by Professor Adam Greene on Aug 26, 2007 14:10:06 GMT
She knew? Rae had known all along, or at least been prepared for it? The more he thought about it, the more it made sense to Adam, but at the same time made him feel like a complete fool; he had been naive enough to think that it would work when Rae had been preparing for the end the entire time. Despite feeling totally ridiculous though, Adam couldn't suppress the gratitude that he began to feel for Rae. He realized that, in his weakness, she had stepped up and prepared for the worst. She had been the one who never let reality slip away. The words still hurt though; the fact that Rae had allowed herself to go through with everything despite knowing it might come to this. Adam couldn't help but feel as though she was allowing him to hurt her.
"I'm sorry," he said again, stepping toward Rae and hugging her. He didn't know what else to do or say for that matter. It almost seemed as though it was harder for him than it was for her. "Rae..." he managed, trying to think of what exactly his heart was trying to say. "... you may think of it as being second or whatever, but if you only knew how much you have done for me. When Dixie left, you were the one who got me through. Despite the accident, you were the one who remained positive and was willing to try to help. You may not be first in the same way that Dixie is, but you'll always be first in the sense that you're the one person in my life that has been there to keep me together, when I have always been the one keeping others together."
Adam stepped back from Rae, tears still gathering in his eyes. He used the back of his hand to wipe them away. "I don't know if I could thank you enough, or explain to you how much you have done for me, Rae. You've been so great, and even now I can see how strong of a person you really are." Adam stopped. He could have continued, but he wasn't sure if he should just end there. It was an awkward situation really. He hadn't expected it to go as it had. Of course, he wasn't even sure what expected to begin with, but it wasn't this. "I still want to be friends... if that's ok with you."
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Post by Raelee Gray on Aug 29, 2007 16:35:01 GMT
Rae wasn’t shocked in the least when Adam moved and hugged her, so she hugged him back and smiled warmly at his words. She knew that she had been loved differently than Dixie was. The love Adam felt for her was more of gratitude, she had become something to cling to in his time of need. It was stronger than friendship but not nearly as strong as the love he felt for Dix. Rae was okay with that, because she understood it nearly completely. She had never expected to be loved the same way that Dixie had been. She had seen the way Adam and Dixie were when they were together and he had really almost completely changed Dixie into this girl that she had always wanted to be. That was a love that was strong enough to last forever. Rae was loved, yes, but she could understand that the love that came in her direction wasn’t the exact same as the kind that went into Dixie’s. Perhaps that’s why she was perfectly okay with it. She hadn’t ever expected to replace Dixie. She had just hoped to help Adam through the times when Dixie wasn’t there. Adam stepped back from her then, and Rae smiled again, stuffing her hands into her jean pockets; “Adam…it’s a lot easier to be stronger for a friend than to be stronger for yourself. Keep that in mind when I come to you for help when things with my mother get rough.” She smirked at him here, because it was easier to joke about Nette dying than to actually talk about it as if it were really going to happen. Rae knew that once it did, though? She’d be a wreck.
“Of course I want to be friends, Adam! As long as you don’t mind me being annoying and calling you ‘Pretty boy’ still.” Rae smiled at him and teetered on the balls of her feet. Back and forth, back and forth. Finally, she shrugged and smacked her lips together; “I take it Dixie’s back, then?” The question was a casual one, but she knew it had consequences upon asking. Tugging Adam down onto the couch beside her as she collapsed onto it, she settled into the leather comfortably. Nothing inside her was going to change. She still cared about him, she still loved him even, she had been prepared for this – yeah, but all that meant was that she wasn’t going to run out crying and ignore him. Rae was a bigger person than that and she knew that Adam would only feel worse if she had done that; “You’ve seen her? Spoke to her?” She continued to ask, her green eyes staring at him intently. Rae wanted details from him, she wanted to know what happened- what Dixie said. Sure, she wanted to know this mostly to see what his next move was, but another part of her just wanted to know if she…
“Does she hate me?”
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Post by Professor Adam Greene on Sept 1, 2007 17:06:48 GMT
"Yeah..." Adam said, a quick laugh escaping through the held back tears. He smiled at Rae's question of Dixie being back before she pulled him down to sit by her on the couch. He didn't laugh because it was a funny question, but more so because of the way Rae asked it. It was good to be able to laugh though. It was either that or cry, and Adam was sick of the tears. He was open to the thought of the situation being something that could be put in the past.
"I ran into Devon Daniels the other day. She told me that Dixie would be returning with Clay. I guess I couldn't help but want to see her again. I wanted to know if she was happy- to see if she had found a way of getting over the break up like I did. For a while, I thought she was with Clay. But then, after I talked to her... yes, we did get a chance to talk... she told me that she wasn't with Clay. She wanted things to go back to how they were before she left." Adam paused, looking at Rae and wondering if she really did want to hear all of this. She had asked him, though, and he thought that maybe it would help her to gain some closure; help her to move on.
"I told her that I was with you." Again, another pause. "I told her that things were complicated and that I had done too much to hurt her. I had done too much for things to ever be right between us again. I was going to come back to you, Rae... and then I realized that it wasn't the right thing to do either." The laughter had somehow seemed so far away now as Adam was again serious and scared. Maybe everything had ended well with Rae, which he was thankful for, but it left him in a scary place; one that he didn't know how to get out of. "I don't know what's going to happen with us though, Rae. I'm afraid that I've ruined everything that was ever good for me. I've made so many choices that I thought were right at the time, but now I'm not so sure." He sat and stared at Rae. She shouldn't have had to sit and listen to him rant, but he loved her for it. It was how Rae was, and Adam knew he'd always have her in the hard times.
"She doesn't hate you," he finally answered her question. Adam knew that Dixie wasn't thrilled with all that had happened, but deep down he believed in his heart that Dixie was beyond hatred. He knew that there was a sense of bitterness that may never fully leave from Dixie's perspective, but he knew too that it wasn't hate. Hate was so strong... so unforgiving. "It's all so... surreal," he added, memories of the past year flashing through his mind. Never in the beginning had he thought it would end up like this. And now, he wasn't even sure what the future held. "So we can still be friends..." he questioned again, despite Rae assuring him of her answer. "... even if I need Dixie. Even if I want Dixie and hope to spend the rest of my life with her?" Adam hoped that his honesty wouldn't hurt Rae any more than it had already. But he needed to be honest. Honesty was his only way out of this, he reasoned; honesty and a large dose of forgiveness, not only from Rae and Dixie, but from himself for allowing so many things to happen to those that he held closest to his heart.
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