Healing Is Difficult. ((Gabe))

[Emmy Parker G6]

She hadn’t been able to sleep in her room when they returned from London. After the funeral, Emmy had stayed clear of everyone. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, she hated talking now. Not that she had liked it before, but now she loathed it. She had written to Gabe when she had found out they were going to stay in London and bury Emma in the out skirts of the city in her father’s family plot; but she hadn’t opened his letter when he wrote back. She didn’t feel like she should even bother with it. Emmy was feeling empty and the last thing she wanted was communication, even with Gabriel. Digressing, Emmy hadn’t been able to sleep in her room because she didn’t want the memories to flood over her. So she had been sleeping on the couch in the living room. Her mother had been a shadow of herself and her father had tried to cheer everyone up, but even he couldn’t do that with his heavy heart. Finally, one day, Emmy just realized she needed to get out of the house. She showered, dressed, ate something, and then left the cottage without a word. At the moment she hadn’t any clue as to where she would be going, but she figured she’d just let her feet carry her wherever. Emmy crossed her arms tight over her chest as she headed into the shopping district of Hogsmeade. Everywhere she looked she saw images of Emma, her smile or the twinkling of her eyes. Emmy heard her laughter in the wind, smelt her perfume in the breeze. It was in that moment she knew she needed to get out of Hogsmeade.

Again, Emmy hadn’t any idea where she would go. She hadn’t any friends who lived near her and it wasn’t like she could leave easily. She was only sixteen so apparating was out of the question. Emmy entered the Three Broomsticks and looked around, her eyes landing on the floo fireplace. She would floo. But where would she floo to? Emmy bit her lip and looked to the bar, seeing Madame Rosmerta and walking up to her; “Oh, hey, Emmy. Can I get you something?” Rosmerta wiped off the top of the bar, watching the young girl; “Do you know the Roche family?” Emmy asked in reply, Rosmerta (who knew most pureblooded families because of her business) looked thoughtful a moment and then nodded, “I do.” Emmy ran her fingers through her limp hair, “What’s the nearest pub?” Rosmerta blinked and then rambled off some name, before giving Emmy some floo powder for a knut. Emmy muttered a thanks and then headed toward the fireplace, stepping inside and throwing the powder down – repeating the address that Rosmerta had just given her. Once she was engulfed by flames, Rosmerta turned to a new customer; “That poor girl just lost her twin sister.” They looked at the fireplace where Emmy had just been sympathetically. Back to Emmy, who was now popping out of a fireplace in some pub. She brushed the soot off her jeans and looked around. She felt so far from home. Well, technically, she was far from home. Emmy straightened her jacket and exited the pub, wondering what she was going to do.

This was ridiculous. Emmy had completely just jumped the gun. She should’ve just stayed in Hogsmeade. Why had she decided she needed to see Gabe? Because, she thought to herself, I owe him an explanation. Who knew that there was still a sliver of humanity in Emmy Parker after all she had been through? She sighed and looked around, trying to remember something Gabe had mentioned. A boat. He practically lived on a boat. Right. That was… not helpful. Emmy wandered around for a bit, her mind completely elsewhere. At least here she had no memory of Emma. If she didn’t find Gabriel, she could just…say she had used this as a means of escape from Hogsmeade which was now her hell. Finally, though, Emmy had wandered from the city toward a harbour…with a boat. “Well, don’t I feel like a genie?” Emmy muttered to herself as she started the walk toward the boat. She had no clue if Gabe was even on it, but she figured no harm in looking. Of course, that was complete bollocks. Emmy hated feeling foolish and well, if she was wrong and Gabriel wasn’t there, she’d feel foolish. But what else was new? With this new sense of numbness, perhaps she wouldn’t feel anything at all. The only thing Emmy could ever feel anymore was anger and loneliness. She hated it but she embraced it. The old Emmy was gone. This new Emmy could deal with anything. She was cold toward anyone and everyone and it was driving her family mad. She hadn’t cried since that day in the hospital and she hadn’t said anything to acknowledge that her sister was dead. She was just frozen and silent. And they’d have to deal.

[Gabriel Roche S6]

Gabriel had been on the ship more often lately. He had no will power to stay in his house. Being in his house meant a constant glance out the windows for the owl he knew wasn’t going to come. That day after he’d left Emmy’s house, he hadn’t known what to think. He’d never known anyone who had a sister that sick, or anyone who’d ever been that sick. Gabriel had never had any sick family members, or friends. He didn’t truly understand what having someone you cared about die was like. When he’d gotten Emmy’s letter, it had torn him apart. What do you write back to something like that? Gabriel had been in such a fog he could hardly remember what he had written, he had just written. More then likely his religion had had a part in it. He hadn’t gotten another letter after that and it worried him. Emmy had said she would write hadn’t she? But where was she now? He had no idea, she hadn’t written him since and while he understood that losing your sister was a huge blow and Emmy’s mind was probably in a million other places, he had thought that she would at least remember him once a week or so…even just a short letter to tell him how she was doing. Gabriel considered writing her again, telling her he was missing her and that he was thinking of her and asking how she was doing but it seemed pointless. The fact that she hadn’t written him had led him into a very grim mood. If she hadn’t written, she obviously didn’t want to talk to him, so that was that. It pained him to a degree he hadn’t been expecting. She was his only thought, constant, 24/7. At night he was plagued with nightmares of her telling him she hadn’t meant what she had said. Or that the feeling was dead. He was frightened. Gabriel couldn’t remember the last time he was frightened.

Normally, Gabriel had spent maybe two days a week on the boat, but now? Five days a week, six, seven. He had convinced the owner to allow him a cot below deck. His family of course hated the fact that he had practically moved out, but the boat calmed him. The way it moved on the water was like a lullaby at night. It slowly rocked him to sleep and it soothed him when he would awake, breathing fast and shaking, sometimes even crying. Gabriel never cried. Sometimes in the middle of the night he would go up on deck and just stare out at the open water, or up at the stars and just let the tears fall. Before, Gabriel would tell you crying was a weakness, men don’t cry. But he felt like his heart was empty these days and the tears were a thing he could not stop. He cried and he almost embraced it. Emmy was worth his tears was she not? The thought of having lost her…was a terrible thought indeed. Other times, Gabriel actually did write to Emmy, he’d write her letters and then crumple them up and throw them out into the ocean where the water would swallow them up and destroy them in its own manner. He had become robotic now though. Wake up, eat, work, sleep. Wake up, eat, work, sleep. The tears were fewer now, as if he’d drained his body of all the emotion he could. He felt drained, tired and weak. It was not a feeling he enjoyed. It was a purposeless feeling. As if the days no longer meant anything. Emmy had lit up his life for the first time in years and now she wasn’t there to do it anymore and all Gabriel could see were the gray clouds covering the sky.

This particular day, Gabriel stood on deck, tying knots and checking the ropes and various grueling tasks that it took to maintain a boat. Tomorrow they were set to sail and it was Gabriel’s job to make sure they could do that. He went about his work as he had lately, not with a spring in his step like he had before, enjoying the minute details of the jobs, but slowly, limply, without a shred of a smile. His face was blank, his eyes were empty. He didn’t feel the cool breeze on his face or the robe burns on his hands. He just didn’t. He stood from checking a knot and chanced a look around. It was a quiet day, there were no other boats in the harbor, that was always nice, no shouting sailors to be annoyed by. For a few moments Gabriel was sure he was alone out here, and then his eyes fell on someone else. Someone walking toward him. Emmy walking toward him. No, no his mind had to have been making it up. He was imagining it. It was the one thing he wanted to see, so of course he was imagining it. He blinked and rubbed his eyes but when he looked again she was still there. Slowly he made his way off the boat and onto the walk where she was. He walked slowly towards her, as if him moving too fast might cause her to disappear. When he finally reached her, when she was within arms reach, his breath caught in his throat. “Emmy…” He didn’t know what to say, all he could do was pull her into his arms, wrapping them tight around her and holding her close. Part of him was afraid; she was sure to push him away wasn’t she? Oh well, it would be worth it to hold her one last time at least.

[Emmy Parker G6]

Emmy had to control the shaking that had come over her at the sight of Gabriel. She felt just terrible for not having written back to him. But something inside Emmy died when Emma did. It made sense, didn’t it? She had lost her twin sister. Taking a deep breath, Emmy managed to keep her feet going, though she noticed her pace slowed. Gabriel had spotted her and was making his way over to her just as slowly as she was making her way to him. They met in the middle and Emmy eyed the space between them slightly before looking up at him. It was hard to believe that only a couple of weeks ago, she would have loathed the space that was between them and now it seemed like there wasn’t enough. She didn’t smile when he said her name, she just stared at him, and when he pulled her into his arms…Emmy surprised herself by embracing him. It wasn’t a strong embrace, but it was the most physical contact she had had in two weeks. She closed her eyes tight and hugged him, limply, for a few moments before pulling away slightly and looking at him; “Hi…” she said in almost a whisper. Now she was at a loss for words. Emmy bit her lip and looked down at her feet, “I’m sorry I didn’t write you back, I just…communication with anyone at that point in time was really difficult.” She looked up at him again, attempting a tiny smile that turned out more like a grimace, “In all honesty, I wasn’t sure when I would get back to you. Coming here today was an impulsive move.” Emmy was just talking now. Just the sight of Gabe made her feel a little bit better, but she still felt so lost. Slowly, Emmy reached up and touched his cheek, looking very apologetic; “I don’t know what to say except that I just… I lost a half of me and that really tore me apart. I’m fine now. I’m done with the whole grieving thing. At least…” Emmy left her hand on his cheek a moment before taking it back and running it through her hair, “…I will be.”

She had told her brother that same thing. That she was done wallowing in the death of her sister. Keith had looked at her with the most disgusted look she’d ever seen and then slammed the door to the stairs shut as he went into his room. Everyone in her family couldn’t understand how she was capable of getting over it so quickly. Had she really gotten over it? Emmy figured that she had, she felt like she had. She wasn’t crying anymore. She couldn’t cry anymore. Crying seemed pointless. There wasn’t anything they could do to bring Emma back. But the thing that was eating Emmy up the most? That had to be what the last thing Emma heard her say before she died. The doctors said that the time of death had been about 30 minutes before Emmy had found her…which meant that Emma heard were “Fine. Die. See if I care.” Emmy felt sick whenever she thought of that. No one knew that she had said that. No one quite understood. So, Emmy tried to push any sort of emotion toward Emma’s death away. She didn’t want to deal with any of it. She just wanted to continue with her life like before. And that life started with Gabriel. “How’ve you been?” she asked him as she crossed her arms over her chest and looked him in the eye. Emmy wondered how he had taken her not replying. If she were him, she’d have been angry, but that’s Emmy; not Gabriel. She didn’t know how he’d handled it and half of her was afraid of finding out. Emmy was so confused with herself, with her emotions, that she just…didn’t know what she wanted anymore. But she knew that she didn’t want to push Gabriel away. She just…didn’t. She didn’t know why she didn’t, but she didn’t. Emmy sighed a moment and then suddenly decided that they were too far apart. She closed the gap between them and threw her arms around Gabriel’s neck, hugging him tight this time. She felt so weak and all she needed was him there. Right? Yeah, right; that’s what she needed.

Emmy buried her face in his neck, shaking slightly. Perhaps what she needed was just to let all her emotion out? She didn’t know. She hadn’t really talked to anyone in her family about what had happened between Emma and her during that last day in the hospital. She hadn’t thought it was important. Well, no, she had thought it was important but she hadn’t seen any reason to let her parents known that she had practically told her sister she hated her and that she could die without much care. Of course…if Emmy ever did it would tear her parents to pieces – more so her mother than her father. After a bit of standing there, she pulled away – not by much but just enough to look at him, and whispered; “I’m sorry I didn’t write, really, I am. I just…things are so difficult. I don’t know how to deal.” Emmy closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest; she didn’t know how to deal. It was new. She always knew how to deal. What was she to do?

[Gabriel Roche S6]

Gabriel had no words. He had no idea what to say. He hugged her and she hugged him back loosely, and something inside him was pained to think that maybe she wasn’t enjoying the site of him like he was enjoying the site of her. He could stand and hold her all day but she pulled away and looked at him. He just stood there, his arms hanging limply at his sides and his eyes staring blankly. He didn’t blink. You know how sometimes your eyes lose focus and you forget their open? Well that’s what was happening, he was looking at her but he wasn’t. It was as if his eyes were looking further, trying their hardest to see inside of her, to see inside of himself, to know what to do and what to say and how to move and act and react. He didn’t know what to do but he knew he’d never felt this way before. No one had ever put him to the point where he cared this much. He cared about Emmy so much and he just didn’t know how to handle this situation. She was talking and he was listening but the words weren’t hitting him. He heard her apology but he didn’t hear it. As far as he was concerned there had been no reason to apologize. Emmy could tell him she hated him and then come back a week later and he wouldn’t care at all. He’d forgive her the instant she came back to him. She was always forgiven in his eyes, always in his heart. He knew it.

Gabriel leaned into her touch as her hand moved to his cheek and his eyes closed, savoring the feeling. Gabriel had never been one for physical contact unless it was violent, but with Emmy? Her touch was amazing; it sent him to the moon and back again. He loved it, he craved it, and it made the world better. Gabriel opened his eyes again and then closed them almost immediately in thought. Her hand had moved but she had asked how he was. He didn’t know how to answer that. To tell her the truth would to tell her he had been in shambles. Not talking to her had torn him to bits and he had hated every moment without her. He could tell her he had been worried about her, he had wondered if she’d still want to be with him. He had watched the sky for an owl and when he didn’t see one all day he would sink to his knees and just pray. He had prayed a lot. He had prayed for her, and for her family, and for Emma and for himself. He had prayed he would be strong for Emmy and that she would still feel the same way about him. That she would still care for him like he cared for her. He had prayed. And he had cried. Sometimes both at once. His religion was his strength, his foundation when his world seemed to crumble and he had fallen on it when Emmy was not talking to him. Would he tell her that? Should he tell her that?

“I missed you Emmy. So much. Like I never thought I could miss someone. You mean the world to me and being without you has been painful.” He opened his eyes and looked at her just as she threw her arms around his neck and held him tight. He hugged her close, wrapping his arms around her and moving a hand to play with her hair as she buried her face in his neck. Without a thought he kissed the side of her head, again and again and again. He didn’t say anything now, he just held her close, enjoying this to an immense degree. Enjoying her body held close to his, feeling her breath on his neck and being able to kiss her tenderly. She pulled back before he did and once again he just looked into her eyes. He shook his head as he apologized and then whispered. “It’s fine now…just…just please don’t go away again? Please don’t leave me alone again.” He held her tighter still as she laid her head on his chest, moving his hand to play with her hair again, kissing the top of her head and letting his lips linger. He didn’t have a clue what to say about how she was feeling. He didn’t know how to help her cope. He’d never lost anyone. He closed his eyes, his lips still pressed to her head, just thinking.

[Emmy Parker G6]

She let the tears fall as Gabriel held her. She didn’t know how to handle anything anymore. All she wanted to do was be held by him, to have that feeling that she had that day back. The only thing she could ever feel anymore was the emptiness in her heart. Emmy hated crying, as said before she never cried in front of people. But she couldn’t keep her tears away when she was in Gabriel’s arms. She clung to him, trying to force her tears back but knowing it was pointless. He whispered to her, asking her to never leave him alone again, and that’s what made Emmy break. She cried, hiding her face in his chest, because she hated crying and she didn’t want him to see her crying. Emmy shook as she clung to him, trying to get words out of her trembling lips; “I…I wo-won’t, Gabriel. I pr-promise.” She wouldn’t ever leave him again. She wouldn’t ever not talk to him unless she couldn’t, and even then she’d find a way to tell him why she couldn’t talk to him. Emmy couldn’t think of a reason she wouldn’t be able to talk to him, but she would always find a way to let him know she was alright. She knew she would want him to do the same thing.

Emmy pulled away slightly to look at Gabriel. It was then that Emmy knew she wanted to tell him everything about what happened. She breathed in deeply and closed her eyes, blinking back some more tears; “I…I want to tell you something I haven’t told anyone in my family.” She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked down at her feet. She shuffled her feet slightly, scuffing the toe of her shoe, “It’s partially why I’m so beat up over this. I mean, my sister’s dead – my twin is dead – but there’s a reason why I’m… I’m not just…just sad, I’m angry with myself.” Emmy took in a deep breath and reached for Gabriel’s hand, looking at it before linking their fingers and looking up at him again. She didn’t want to just stand and talk, she wanted to be able to sit down and be held by him as she told him the one thing she hadn’t told anyone else. Emmy looked around, spotted a bench a few ways off, and started to pull him over there. Once she sat down, pulling Gabriel down beside him, she closed her eyes and dove into it; “I was the last one to talk to Emma before she died. I had…I had tried to convince her to go through with a heart transplant.” Emmy looked over at Gabriel, “With my heart.”

She sighed here and shook her head, trying to centre herself before she continued it what she had to tell him. She really wished she could just return to the way things were before Emma died. She knew that wasn’t possible, though, so she figured the best thing to do was to get along with her life. She couldn’t do that unless she got this off her chest and out of her mind; “She wouldn’t agree, she said that it was time for her to die and for me to live.” Emmy bit her lip here as she linked hers and Gabriel’s fingers, squeezing his hand weakly. “I got really angry with her and…the last thing I ever said to her…” shaking her head, Emmy closed her eyes and tried to get herself to say it, “I said… ‘Fine. Die. See if I care.’” There it was out. Now, Gabriel could see her as a heartless, cruel, uncaring human being. And she was. Emmy was! She knew it. This was why she was so upset with herself, so angry. “I…I went back in to talk to her, you know? To apologize, to tell her I didn’t mean what I had said. I must’ve spent ten minutes talking my head off about how sorry I was and how much it just hurt to think of living with out her…when I realized she wasn’t talking back.” Emmy tucked her hair behind her ear with her free hand, quiet now. Not knowing anything to say now that she’d told him her secret.

“I’m…” Emmy looked back up at him, “I’m not a terrible person, am I, Gabriel?”

[Gabriel Roche S6]

Gabriel held her tight as she cried, his arms wrapped around her shaking body tight, a hand lifted to run his fingers through her hair. As terrible as it was seeing her cry he couldn’t deny that it felt extraordinarily good to hold her. To have her close in his arms, to feel like he might be helping slightly. He had no idea how she was feeling, but he knew that he was feeling relief. That’s an odd thing to say he was feeling eh? Holding his crying girlfriend that just lost her twin sister? But that’s what he felt. He was overjoyed that she wasn’t standing there telling him that she was done with him. Telling him that she never wanted to see him, or that she didn’t know how to handle a relationship right now. He’d heard that sometimes when people lost someone close to them they shut out their other relationships. His mother had carelessly informed him that Emmy probably didn’t have time for a boyfriend anymore. That had been when Gabriel had asked to stay out on the boat. He loved his mother, but sometimes he just couldn’t handle her brutal honesty. Nevertheless, Emmy obviously still cared about him, that was obvious when he heard her speak. He held her tighter and nodded, kissing the top of her head repetitively as she promised never to leave him alone again. Relief. More sweet relief. It was nice.

He held her till she pulled away slightly and even then he had his arms around her. A hand moved up to push her hair behind her ear as she took a breath and closed her eyes, but he let it wrap back around her as she did that herself. Gabriel listened to her as she told him she wanted to tell him something she hadn’t told anyone, and he nodded silently. What was he to say? There wasn’t much he could say, this was her time to speak. He squeezed her hand and let her lead him to a bench nearby and when they sat down he moved to wrap his arm around her, his free hand moving to hers. He listened and when she told him she had tried to convince Emmy to do a heart transplant he couldn’t exactly conceal the sadness he was sure his face expressed. He thought about that, at first, the thought that she had wanted to give up her life had hurt him. She hadn’t thought about leaving him behind, had she? But the more he thought about it…the more it made sense. Gabriel thought about what he would do if one of his family was dying…what would he do if Emmy was dying? He couldn’t understand completely, but he could at least make sense of her actions. She loved her sister. It made sense.

Gabriel listened still as Emmy linked their fingers and squeezed his hand. In his mind he thanked Emma for her calm sensibility. Gabriel didn’t know what he’d do if word had gotten to him that Emmy had given up her heart for Emma. And to be honest…he didn’t think he’d ever forgive Emma for letting her do that. Gabriel shook the thoughts from his mind, it wasn’t his place to think those things was it? He didn’t understand what it was like. So he returned to listening. Listening, it was strange. Gabriel had never been a listener before Emmy. He had liked to talk, even once he had gotten into his angry streak he had still liked to talk. Sure he was a lot more cruel with his word choice, but he had liked to talk. He never was one to give others the room to speak, but Emmy deserved it. He couldn’t think of something he’d like to do more then listen to Emmy talk all day. And now especially, she needed it. Gabriel tried to work through everything he was saying, to find something good to say, something helpful. When Emmy looked at him he shook his head and pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back, trying to word his thoughts. “Emmy…you are nowhere near a terrible person. Not at all…you were hurt Emmy, you were grieving. You were about to lose your sister…” He closed his eyes and sighed, kissing the top of her head again. “Hon…she was your twin. I’m positive she understands.” Of course, that wouldn’t make any sense to some people. See, Gabriel’s concept of death was that when you died, you went to heaven. He couldn’t think of a single reason Emma wouldn’t be there, and so in his mind…Emma was there, watching. And she knew right? She understood. That was all he could think but he didn’t know how to say it. How could someone not understand? If anyone knew Emmy it was Emma, and so if anyone knew how she was feeling it was her. Gabriel pulled back and looked Emmy in the eyes. “You are not a terrible person. Emmy Parker, you have the biggest heart out of anyone I know.”