Like A Knife In My Side ((Closed))

[Ariane Chan]

Ariane ran down paths she remembered walking along many times before in the past. Only during the Christmas holidays this year had she and Harmony strolled along here leisurely, discussing their Christmas presents for Lorraine and Vanessa. Ariane had no idea where Harmony had gone; she could be anywhere, for all she knew. Worry built in her mind, but she tried to ignore the alarm bells that sounded continuously through her troubled head. There was no point in panicking; she had to remain calm to be able to find Harmony. So down the pavement she jogged, glad she was fit enough to keep going. By Harmony’s standards, she couldn’t have gone far. Ariane didn’t think she had it in her, not physically, but also mentally, to continue running for a great distance. Ariane would find her, she knew it.

Ariane passed a large meadow Ariane recognised she and Harmony had played in many times before during their childhood. Perhaps Harmony had wandered into here? Thinking it was worth a shot, Ariane stepped from concrete floor to soft grass, and began her fast sprint again, looking around carefully for any sight of Harmony’s yellow jacket. Ariane was secretly glad her little sister’s favourite colour of was yellow. It meant she could probably be seen and found easily. Unlike Ariane’s preferred colour, black. She supposed if she and Harmony switched places, she would be very difficult to discover indeed. But then again, when would Ariane want to be found? That was the point of her existence. To dodge and to hide away, invisible. She didn’t want to be found.

Perhaps Harmony didn’t want to be found either. Ariane narrowed her dark eyes. A frown settled upon her pale face. ”Tough, sister”, Ariane thought to herself with determination. ”I’m afraid to say I’ll be bringing you home, whether you like it or not.” Perhaps Ariane was being too harsh; after all, to force Harmony back into the place of grief, of death, was… wrong. But Ariane was not intent on doing that; she would find Harmony, comfort her, and then bring her home. Not that home, not the house in which their mother lay dead, but the home that was the two of them. Together, with each other, they were home. Ariane was Harmony’s home, and vice versa. They’d get through this. God, they had to get through this.

Ariane was passing by a familiar cluster of trees, her ramming footsteps thudding against solid ground, trainers upon decaying, fallen leaves; she was entering a small forest, a place she and Harmony had often played hide and seek during their free weekends. Ariane knew this in itself was a game of hide and seek, of cat and mouse. Would she be able to win again? Stopping, Ariane looked around calculatingly, eyes sharply toned to the darker surroundings. Suddenly, a flash of black appeared in the corner of her left eye, and Ariane whirled around with it, sure it was the sleek colour of Harmony’s hair. Ariane thought it had disappeared round one of the oak trees, hiding, not wanting to be found; but that was unlike Harmony; to see her sister, then run away. But then again, Harmony was not exactly feeling normal right now. With hesitance, Ariane nudged forward one step. Her shoe made no noise. Rounding upon the tree, she circled it, before lashing out upon seeing a flicker of movement. Ariane’s hand attached to clothes, a solid body, and triumphantly she gave a tug, thrusting her supposed sister towards her.

“Harmony?”

But it wasn’t Harmony at all.

[Ariane Chan]

Fear gripped her pounding heart as Ariane gazed upon the person she was clutching so tightly. It certainly wasn’t Harmony. “You!” Ariane gasped loudly, the surprise unhidden across her face. Eyes contracted in bewilderment, and quickly she released her unyielding grasp. Because stood before her was the man she thought was dead, the person she had hoped she would never see again, the creature she had sworn she would kill in revenge for her mother’s death. Henry Chan seemed more alive than ever, and although appearance-wise he had changed quite a lot, Ariane could recognise those cold eyes anywhere. Her father seemed more tired and pale, black bags under his eyes, stubble along his chin and under his mouth. His hair was matted and dirty, and his clothes clung to him as though he had worn them for days. Ariane consciously took a step back, anger, shock and fear mingled into one. She felt as though she was frozen, yet her blood raged through her body relentlessly, and for a moment or two she couldn’t find the right words to say. Ariane was simply speechless. This man was meant to be dead. Lying in the bedroom back at the house, along with the body of her mother. How could he possibly be standing here, right in front of her?

Ariane knew it. Henry Chan was immortal. He would follow her everywhere, haunt her every footsteps, invade each dream every night. He would never leave her alone, never let her rest in peace. “What are you doing here?!” Ariane breathed heavily, words just above a hiss as she glared at her father. She was afraid of his presence, always had been, but she was stronger than when she was a young, innocent child. She would show no fear. No weakness. “You’re meant to be dead!” Ariane’s tone was of disbelief as she spat out the words, as though they tasted of poison.

“Ariane.” Henry’s first words came out in a hoarse rasp, as though he hadn’t drank any water in days. Bloodshot eyes stared in incredulity at the figure of his eldest daughter, and his tone of voice was of one that could not believe she stood before him. “Ariane.” He repeated again, almost stumbling forwards. In horror, Ariane backed away quickly, terrified of touching him.

“How did you find us? And why the hell did you kill her?!” Ariane suddenly lunged forward and grabbed her father by the collar, wrenching him towards her in absolute disgust and rage. “WHY?!” She screamed into his face, shaking with the effort of controlling her inner temper. “Haven’t you already done enough, Dad?!”

“I… I hired someone… to track you… down…” Henry choked out without a physical struggle. “But… But I didn’t… I didn’t kill… her…”

“Oh, give me another one.” Ariane scoffed with a wild throw of her hair, laughing almost insanely to herself. “You can’t expect me to believe that. I know you killed her. I know it!”

“But I didn’t, I honestly didn’t!” Henry was literally begging as he slid to the floor in helplessness, having lost the will to stand on his own two feet. “Please listen to me, Ari…”

“Don’t you dare call me that!” Ariane screamed indignantly, feeling tears well up despite the fact she didn’t care about her father. A foot slammed against the ground, not far from Henry’s shaking fingers. “I’m not your daughter anymore! I haven’t been for over a decade! I’m not your daughter, I’m not your friend, and I’m not your family at all! I don’t think I even know you, and you certainly don’t know me! You turned on us, and you can’t expect me to just forgive you! You’ve never done anything for me, you’ve never loved me, and you were never there for me like a real Dad. No, you just chose to ruin our lives! And then you go and kill Mum, just when we had started to be happy, when we’d started to forget you! I’ll never forgive you, you evil little piece of—“ Ariane called her father a string of obscenities, before drawing to a breathy halt, glaring down at the pathetic bundle which she had once called her father. “I hate you.” She stated coldly, unfeelingly. “I hate you with all my heart and soul.”

[Ariane Chan]

“Why couldn’t you just stay out of my life?” Ariane hissed, thrusting a hand through her hair blowing into her face from the windy breeze. “I should just finish you now. I vowed I’d kill you for killing Mum, I vowed I would. Why did you… Why?” Ariane trailed off with tears in her eyes, however, refusing to fall to pieces. Especially not in front of her estranged father. Never. “What did we ever do to you?” She whispered heartbrokenly, fists clenched so tightly they were white from lack of blood flow. Why had this evil man arisen from her past again and again to destroy everything that meant something to her. Ariane didn’t ask God for much. All she wanted was to be with her loved ones. But was that too much to ask? Was Ariane undeserving of happiness? Was she just an evil child awaiting punishment?

“I tried to save her, I really did.” Henry coughed out from below, massaging his throat with an unhidden wince. Somehow, Ariane didn’t feel a shred of shame or guilt. She thought she didn’t, anyway. “I didn’t… I really didn’t think he’d kill her…”

“Really now?” Ariane’s eyes turned cold once again, almost taking a step forward but was stopped because her father was right at her feet. “Really? Why can’t I believe that, eh? Why? Because you always ruin everything! Everything that I love, that makes me happy, you take it away! Damn you, what is your problem! You say you didn’t kill her, but by hiring this guy, you led Mum right to her death! Who’s next on your hit list? Harmony? Because if you even dare lay a finger on her--” Ariane lurched forward, her face now bending to stare Henry into his grimy face, burning eyes against pleading pools of tears. Her finger poked into his chest, angry, bitter. “If you even dare… I will hunt you down and kill you!”

“Aren’t you going to kill me now, Ariane?” Henry muttered bitterly with a wry smirk, resigning himself to his fate as he slumped against the tree, ferns mixing with his tanned, dirty skin. “Finish me off now, eh? Eliminate the danger. You know you want to. You know what? Do it. Put me out of my misery. Ariane. You can do it, right? After all, you hate me so very much. And of course, you’re totally justified. You have every right to hate every part of me.” His voice was tired, broken. Somehow, his words and tone of voice, his very attitude, merely ignited Ariane’s fury even more, made her doubly angry and bitter.

“I won’t give you that pleasure!” Ariane retorted icily, though part of her fought to go ahead and punch her father in the face. Like he said, he deserved it. This old man deserved every punch and kick he could get. But Ariane had more self control than that. She knew she did, didn’t she? “I’ll just hand you into police. You can’t make me lose it.”

“You should hate me, Ariane.” Henry continued calmly, closing his eyes and breathing in the fresh, cold air. “I should die for my sins. You should be the one to do it, Ariane. Kill me. Kill me now. Please. Save me from any more misery. I’m asking you to do it now. So please! Do it!” Suddenly, Henry shakily whipped out a long dagger-like knife, the sharp blade gleaming in the afternoon sun. He held it up to his daughter, who automatically backed away, eyes widening in shock and fear. “Please, Ari, please!” He was begging. This spawn of the devil of a father was begging her, Ariane, to kill him. To get rid of him. Forever. She was being asked to do the one thing she’d wanted to do for ages, by the person who deserved it most. “Kill me!”

The knife lay before her. In her grasp. Ariane hesitated.

To die or not to die?

[Ariane Chan]

“You know,” Ariane began in a tight voice, “You could kill me now too. Don’t you want to do that? Kill me? Since you’ve already got Mum. Maybe we should go down together, Dad. You know, I kill you and you kill me? Because then I think Harmony would be safe. From you, that is. Take me rather than her. And I’d be happy to go.” Ariane gave a bark of bitter, sarcastic laughter, “There’s not really anything left for me here. As usual, you’ve taken it all away, so… why don’t you take me too? Endmy misery. And I guess I’ll end yours.” Fists unclenched. Fists clenched. “Life is… completely empty.” Ariane admitted. “I don’t enjoy living it. Especially not while I know you’re still around, alive and kicking. I’ve never really enjoyed life at all. My childhood was spent screaming at you, being abused by you. Protecting Harmony and getting stick from teachers and my fellow pupils alike. Not that I ever really cared what they thought of me, those fakers. I never really wanted, or needed friends. But nonetheless… Maybe if you hadn’t made me what I am today, I wouldn’t be like this, would I?” Ariane gestured as she looked down at herself. The jet black baggy trousers, the leather jacket slung over herself casually. “This… thing. You know, Dad, sometimes I think I’m as dirty and filthy as you are! I really do! Let me tell you something. I deserve it too. I deserve to die too.” Tears began to flow down Ariane’s cheeks uncontrollably, but she ignored them now, as if she couldn’t feel the trickles past her eyes and nose, into her mouth.

“You don’t want to die yet, Ariane.” Henry spoke softly, almost chuckling to himself, “No… There’s more to life yet. You have so much before you.”

“D-Don’t say that like you’re my Dad!” Ariane cried, tears mingling with fallen hair.

“I am your Dad, Ariane.” Henry’s voice was still tired, worn out. “You can’t change that.”

“I can pretend you’re not my Dad. I’ve disowned you as any father of mine. I don’t have a Dad.” Ariane’s voice was like cutting slices of ice. When had her father turned into this… This weak, old, tired man? Was that sympathy from within her? Ariane shut it down in her head, like a guillotine chopping off her father’s bond to her. And her trust too. Gone. No, Ariane would stand up to this person. She wouldn’t fall prey to his mind tricks. ”I know your game.”

Henry seemed to flinch at her words. “Fine… But you can’t change the fact that my blood runs through your veins.”

“Why do you think I feel so dirty? Being part of you makes me… this piece of filth. I can’t wash it away.” Ariane spoke in disgust, rubbing her hands against her lightly tanned skin. It was true, Henry was right that she’d forever be a part of him. So maybe… just maybe she should go, leave this world forever? What if one day she turned into someone like her father? Evil and manipulative? Ruining other’s lives? Ariane’s fear ate at her heart. What if she wasn’t going to be a good enough mother to her future children? To her future husband? She wasn’t good enough for Harmony now; she couldn’t protect her from their mother’s death. How could she possibly grow up into a “good person”?

“I am not going to kill you, Ariane. I’ve already got enough blood on my hands.” Henry protested feebly.

“I… I’m bad.” Ariane started in a low voice. “I’m a bad person.” Eyes glinted. “That’s why I should go.” She reached forwards with speed Henry couldn’t keep up with, youth having been lost years ago.

”Eliminate the danger from this world. No one will miss me.”

[Ariane Chan]

“ARIANE!”

Flash of a shining blade. Sunbeams reflected into her eyes. Mad, wild eyes. Frightened echoes of screams. Burst of blood. Spilling everywhere. Over her hands, her arms, her chest, her legs. Everywhere.

Ariane put her bloodied hands to her face. Spread the raw red across her eyes and lips. “Make it stop!” Ariane choked, sobs caught in her throat. All she could see was red, everywhere. Wet tears mixed with crimson, diluted the substance as it dripped from her face. “Make it STOP!” Ariane screamed aloud, before giving a loud gasp of physical pain. Glancing downwards, vision blurred by blood and tears, she tried to focus her attention on where the source of pain was stemming from. Numbly, she realised that the knife was lodged deep into her stomach, edged left with blood coursing down the handle, falling to the earth and staining the woodland, turning grass from green to bloody red. Ariane’s breathing hitched another level, not from fear, but from the pain that was suddenly overwhelming. Strength leaking away from her body, abandoning her as her blood was currently doing, soaking her black clothes with invisible ink, Ariane barely felt her legs collapse beneath her, causing her to fall to the ground. She pitched forward motionlessly, her face turned sideways as it hit the earth, maroon from her blood.

The pain was everywhere, the blood of was everywhere. Ariane’s eyes fluttered open slightly, trying with all her might to make sense of what was happening. Before her lay a familiar face. The face of her father. Ariane tried to frown. What was he doing on the floor with her? He was red too, the colour streaked across his face, his body. “D-dad?” Ariane managed to whisper hoarsely, confusion laced in her voice. Reasoning didn’t hit her head, her mind so preoccupied with steadying the pain blossoming from her stomach. “Daddy…? What... W-what…” Eyes fluttered shut, then blinked open again. “What’s going… going… on…?” Forget… remember… forget…. “T-Tell me the truth… What’s… going on?” Ariane gave a choked cough, more blood leaving her mouth. Excruciating pain.

Henry was smiling softly, sadly, at his daughter. He seemed to be in pain too, his hands clutching his chest, his arms, where blood spurted from uncontrollably. But he was still smiling at her, a crooked line across his stained face. “I’m sorry, Ari.” He murmured tenderly, breathing heavy, laboured. Ariane could tell by the way his eyes flickered shut every now and again, as if resisting the onslaught. Reminding her of her own situation, a shot of alarming pain jerked Ariane’s hand to fly down there and hold the knife pressed into her with shaking fingers. Trying to use all her gathered strength, she attempted to pull the dreaded thing out of her stomach, to no avail.

“Damnit, d-damnit!” Ariane cried, tears of frustration falling from her eyes as the pain merely increased ten fold. She could barely move now, her limp hand resting defeatedly against the handle of the knife, as if accepting her fate. “Damnit!” Ariane hit her head against the earth, tears running into blood.

“I-It’s… not your fault… Ari…” Henry was still muttering incoherently, his back falling against the ground so his face peered up at the heavens, a pained yet serene smile on his face.

“What… What the hell did… I… did I just… do?!” Ariane spluttered, sobs wracking her body, strands of soft black hair falling into her eyes. She couldn’t remember, couldn’t recall, what she had just done. Did she stick this knife into her? How had her father ended up on the floor like that? Why was the blood flowing everywhere around her? “What did I just do?!”

[Ariane Chan]

Ariane started to crawl painfully across, nearer to her fading father, who was now whispering to himself softly. Trembling arms dragged her body across the river of blood, until she finally could hear the words that fell from his mouth. “I’m sorry… Ari… Sorry…” Ariane lifted a hand shakily, only to have to drop and hit her father’s back, lying there helplessly.

“Dad…” Ariane’s voice was a whisper in the air too, barely audible. Her eyesight blurred every now and again, her forehead scrunched up in pain, and beads of cold sweat trickled down the side of her cheek, mingling with the steady stream of tears that were leaving her eyes. “Dad…” Somehow, despite remembering how much she hated this man, watching him fade away in front of her was more than Ariane could possibly bear. It was tearing her soul up inside. Losing one, and now the other. “No… no…”

“Lorraine… forgiveness… Thank you…” Gradually, Henry’s eyes drooped until they finally closed in a peaceful sigh from the ageing man. Strands of black fell over his brow, gently moving in the light breeze around them.

“No!” Ariane watched, eyes wide in disbelief, voice broken, not really acknowledging that her father was still breathing, albeit shallowly. “No! Dad, don’t leave me as well!” Ariane’s voice came as spurts of screams, slowly rising in volume into pained shrieks. “No! Come back! Come back NOW! Don’t you dare leave me too!” One hand still clutching her injured stomach, Ariane paused for breath momentarily, trying to ignore the building pain around that area. “No…”

Ariane suddenly realised that her vision was blurring again, but this time much more than before… “What the…?” The pain was more unbearable than ever, and it took all of Ariane’s strength not to cry out, despite the tears flowing down her cheeks and mixing with the splatters of blood around. Things started to go black and white, the woodland noises around Ariane dimming and becoming fuzzy and inaudible. “No… I won’t… won’t give in!” Ariane argued to herself as she felt consciousness slipping away from her too. “No… No! Harmony! Harmony… What about Har…” Ariane’s teeth bit her lip hard, causing it bleed thickly and running to join its brethren. “Har… mony…” Ariane’s last spoken breath came in a soft whisper as she succumbed to the darkness, and let her eyelids drop, welcoming the gentle, warm feeling that washed over her, soothing that burning pain.