The Chill of Depression. (Carson)

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie sighed as she walked around the courtyard by herself. It was cold out, but the bitter feeling against Ezzie’s skin made her feel awake, and the stinging helped Ezzie hold back tears. She walked slowly across the snow covered pavement with her hands buried deep inside her pockets. Today was Friday, and Ezzie had no classes today. Ezzie was starting to get sick of her school uniform, so she had decided to change into her muggle clothes this morning. Now, about six hours later Ezzie did not regret her choice of clothing. Sure, Ezzie was a bit cold in her artfully ripped up jeans and short tank top that wrapped around her slim tummy, but like I said, now was one of the few times Ezzie enjoyed the cold. Her sleek black hair fell a few inches past her shoulders and Ezzie rolled her shoulders back in relaxation as the wind passed through her hair. Her body was shaking from the cold, but Ezzie didn’t care.

The bitter cold air that was now starting to sting her face helped Ezzie forget about the past two weeks. It made her forget about the past year even. Now, Ezzie was living in the year 2000. Forgive and forget, with an emphasis on the ‘forget’ part. Ezzie didn’t want to remember, no matter how much she was told she should. Ezzie sat down on a cold metal bench. Suddenly, the cold just wasn’t enough. Ezzie’s body was completely numb by now, so she couldn’t feel a thing; except pain. Not only did Ezzie feel physical pain, but emotional pain as well. While her fingers ached for warmth and her chest heaved for air, all the pains of Ethan’s death started to seep slowly into Ezzie’s system. Suddenly, Ezzie’s stomach growled loudly, making Ezzie remember that she hadn’t eaten in over a week. Ezzie felt tears trickle down her face, and the temperatures outside her actually cold enough for the tears to freeze as they slid down her cheeks. Ezzie didn’t know how long she sat there, her chest heaving, desperate for warm air. She could feel a lump in her throat and she tried to swallow it down, but it was no use. Ezzie gasped for air and hiccupped. It was like weeks of bottled up sadness and pain just came seeping out everywhere. She just couldn’t understand the unfairness of her life, the madness this so called ‘God’ had put her in. Was there even a God? How could Ezzie be really truly sure?

She never would be. And even if there was a God like her mother said, how could he possibly be all that great? If he let fifteen year old boys die the way Ethan did, then he wasn’t all that great in Ezzie’s book. If he let the evils of poverty and crime happen every day, then how was he so good and pure like they said? Ezzie looked down at her heaving chest. A small golden cross hung from a thing weak chain. Her father had given this chain to Ezzie when she was a baby. The same father that tried to drown her was out there somewhere, probably attending church every Sunday like her mother, almost as if nothing had happened. “Anything for the baby Jesus.” Ezzie said bitterly, completely unaware she was talking to herself. But, even if she was aware of what she was doing, Ezzie doubted she would care. Ezzie held the cross in her hand gingerly and stared at the old wrinkled looking man that was literally bolted onto the golden cross. Ezzie’s cold nub fingers grasped the cross and with all the strength she had left, she yanked it off her neck and threw it across the courtyard in fury. It landed with a soft unheard thud as it made an indent in the snow. Someone would find it later, and probably use it as murder evidence or something. Rolling her eyes, Ezzie swallowed as more icy tears came streaming down her cheeks. Ezzie hiccupped again and eyed the spot where her little golden cross now lay, broken amongst the white sheet of snow.

Suddenly, Ezzie heard noises. She found enough strength to lift up her head and see who was coming. Her vision was blurry from all her tears, but she could see a vague figure approaching her at a run. She raised her fingers (which she now realized were turning blue) and tried to scrape off the icicles that were once her tears. It was no use. It was obvious Ezzie was in the middle of a mental break down.

[Carson McGreggor H6]

Dead. Carson could hardly believe it. Ethan Jacobs Carson’s best friend was dead. That’s it, no more, end of story. Gone like a dandelion seed in the wind, drifting off toward the heavens, never to be seen again. He sighed as he walked around the corridors. The OWLS students had no classes today, and for that Carson was thankful. He had already endured one of Snape’s Potion lessons, and he was sure he had a Charms lesson the following Monday. Carson looked up at the ceiling, trying not to stare out the shiny stained glass window, where his reflection could plainly be seen. Great. thought Carson. More thoughts Carson didn’t want to think, more memories Carson didn’t want to relive. As if the death of Carson’s best friend wasn’t enough to drive Carson up the wall, there was the fight, and Carson’s long night in jail. He sighed heavily, not really knowing what to do or where to go.

Normally, Carson would take this time to spend yet another evening with Ethan, Casey, and Ezzie in the Lunge playing a game or just plain talking. Sometimes, if they were really bored, they’d spend their free day studying together in a sort-of study group. But that would be no more. The group had separated, severed, never to be brought together again. Ethan was the glue that held everything together in the odd friendship. If it wasn’t for Ethan, Amber, Carson, and Ezzie wouldn’t be there. And of course, if it wasn’t for Ezzie, Casey wouldn’t show up every Friday either. But now, Ethan was gone. He was rotting to pieces under the cold bug infested soil in the park across from his old home. After is death, Amber disappeared with her sixth year friends, and barely ever spoke to Carson anymore if it wasn’t for a small wave or a smile while heading to class in the corridor. Carson, Casey, and Ezzie still talked of course, but not as often as they did. Ezzie was too busy dodging reporters and trying to save her singing career for any free time, and since the winter holidays, Casey had disappeared off the face of the earth as well.

He sighed and glanced out the window again, eyeing his bruise. The window gave Carson perfect view of the courtyard outside. It snowed yesterday, so the ground outside was covered with a white sheet of snow. Carson squinted his eyes and looked at the rest of the courtyard. Maybe he’d sketch courtyard scenery later, before dinner. Carson noticed a small rusted bench on the other side of the courtyard where he was surprised to see someone crazy enough to go outside without a jacket. The girl was sitting down on the bench, her head hung low. She was wearing a short t-shirt that showed off a sparkling diamond belly-button ring that sparkled in the dim late afternoon sun.

Upon closer inspection, Carson realized the girl was crying. She was shivering, but yet she didn’t have the sense to just walk inside and warm up. What was this girl’s problem? Then she raised her head and Carson almost gasped at what he saw. That was no ordinary girl…that was Ezzie! Carson headed for the courtyard at a run, not really knowing what he was going to say to her when he got there. But he didn’t care. Ezzie would surely get really sick out there. It wasn’t even ten degrees out for god’s sake! “Ezzie?” Carson asked as he finally got close enough to the bench to see what was up. Carson’s eyes were filled with worry as he took in the sight of Ezzie right now. Her lips were turning blue, along with her hands. She had small icicles on her face, and her eyes were red and puffy. Her neckline was a bit red, and it looked like someone had torn a necklace off her.

“Ezzie, what’s your problem?!” He exclaimed, taking in the fact that she was a nervous wreck. She looked up at Carson with the saddest eyes he’s ever seen. She said nothing, but let out another struggled sob. He could hear her wheezing as she struggled for air. Ethan told her before about Ezzie’s breathing problems, so he knew this couldn’t be good. “C’mon. We have to go inside. You’re not well.” He said, holding out his hand for Ezzie to take. She needed help, and she needed it fast. And Carson intended on helping her if it was the last thing he did. Carson knew Ethan would want to be here to console Ezzie, but since he couldn’t, Carson was the next best thing. He smiled warmly at her. “C’mon. I’ll treat you to some hot cocoa.”

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie looked up at Carson, feeling her eyes itch and sting. It seemed like the only part of her body that hadn’t yet been numbed by the cold. She stared down at her shivering hands, which were shaking furiously. She tried to move her fingers. No such luck. It was as if they themselves had been covered by a sheet of ice, just like the area around her. She looked down at her arms too, which were also shivering. She sighed and heard a wheeze come out from her mouth. Ezzie was known for her breathing problems, and this wheeze should have scared her. Only it didn’t. It didn’t scare her like it used to. Nothing scared her anymore. Now, Ezzie had no fear. All she had left in her body was sadness, regret, and determination.

She had an intense determination to prove everyone wrong. She wanted to show each and every one of those stupid students that she wasn’t responsible for the death of Ethan Jacobs. She wanted to laugh in the faces of Aimee and Holly Sinclair as their mouths hung open in shock when Ezzie proved her story to be true in front of the public. She had a determination to save her career, and to keep all the fans that were left, and hopefully gain even more in the process. But most of all, Ezzie had a determination to be perfect. She wanted to be flawless. She wasn’t going to screw up in school anymore, no sir. She was going to stay up for as long as it took to get her work done perfectly. She was going to work on a song for hours at a time until it was absolutely free of flaws. She didn’t care how late it was, she wasn’t going to send lyrics in to Alyssa if she didn’t feel they were perfect.

As for Ezzie’s body, well she was working on that as well. Ezzie was not going to be able to rest peacefully at night until she knew for a fact she was beautiful. Many people had told her this before, but Ezzie didn’t believe a word of it. Ezzie felt like a killer whale right now. She couldn’t be beautiful if she was fat. So Ezzie vowed not to eat, and if she was weak enough to eat a meal or two, she would make sure the harmful intruders did not stay in her body for long. No, Ezzie was going to work harder than she had ever worked before this year. She wanted to make Ethan proud, but at the same time, she wanted to forget about his death. She wanted to get over it and act as if she never knew an Ethan Jacobs. But she knew that wasn’t ever going to happen, so she just stuck to plan A. She was going to make Ethan proud by being as flawless as possible. Ezzie would rid herself of impurities until there was only perfection left. It was a good idea in theory, but could Ezzie achieve her goal?

“No, please. I can’t go in there. I’m a wreck. Someone will see me. That Aimee Sinclair girl is probably waiting at the door right now, waiting for us to leave so she can follow us. I’m staying here. She said stubbornly, although the cold was starting to pierce her skin like a thousand knives. She winced slightly, but tried to hide the fact she was in pain. Carson had enough on his plate already without having to worry about Ezzie. Carson hesitated. “Fine. I won’t take you inside. But take my jacket at least. There’s a heat spell on it, so you should feel better in a few minutes. Just put your hands in the pockets.” He directed. Ezzie hesitated as well, but finally let Carson help her put the jacket on. He was right. The warmth of the jacket did help. Ezzie could already feel the color coming back into her hands as her hands warmed slowly inside the pockets. She let silent tears creep down her cheeks.

“Now, tell me what this is all about.” Carson said, looking her in the eye. Ezzie didn’t even know why he was asking. They both knew what Ezzie was so upset over. “It’s…It’s Ethan.” Ezzie stammered, adding in a small sob after each word. “I just…miss him so much.” She said, sniffling. She started to cough and Carson gave her another worried look. But Ezzie knew he wouldn’t take her inside if she didn’t want him to. Ezzie could still remember that blasted therapy session back during the holidays. The therapist had been trying for hours to get Ezzie to talk about Ethan, and Ezzie had opened up to Carson within five minutes. Ezzie could tell she was in a very vulnerable state right now. All this vulnerability scared Ezzie, because she knew that with vulnerability, there came flaw. Ezzie’s one and only fear.

[Carson McGreggor H6]

Carson could not believe he was seeing Ezzie like this. Ezzie just seemed like such a strong girl. She was a Gryffindor, and Carson would have never imagined her breaking down like this. She seemed like one of those people who tended to hide their emotions from the world, covering them up with excuses and changes of subject. Carson could tell for weeks after Ethan died that there was something going on behind those big brown eyes of hers. Carson and Casey had visited Ethan’s old house multiple times during the holidays to find her staring blankly out the window. It was obvious she was lost in thought, thinking hard about something. But she had never opened up, never told anyone what was going inside behind the sleek mass of thick brown hair.

If Aimee Sinclair saw Ezzie now, she’d flip. Not only was Ezzie in the middle of an emotional breakdown, confessing her feelings for Ethan, but she was here with Carson, and they were sitting awfully close. Carson wondered what Casey would say if she heard such accusations. But he was sure that everyone (especially Casey) knew what Carson thought of Ezzie. Lately, Carson had thought of her as a little sister, someone he needed to look after to make sure she was alright. Julie had told him a million times that he had many older brother-like traits about him. Carson still remembered seeing Julie hop onto the backs of countless motorcycles, and even as a kid of only seven or eight years old, Carson would give them the once-over. When Julie returned, Carson would tell her what he thought of the guy. Julie always used to joke about how overprotective Carson was of those he cared about, but he couldn’t help it. Carson was a very strong, perfectly capable young man who had a duty to help those who needed him, and right now it was obvious Ezzie was in need of some assistance.

When Ezzie refused to go inside with him, Carson debated on whether or not he should take her inside anyway. She was obviously not well, and a trip to the Hospital Wing was probably her best bet. But Carson wasn’t stupid. This wasn’t any ordinary girl in trouble here. This was Ezzie Mendez, probably the most talked about fourteen year old in Britain, other than Eden Sweden of course. Eden was Carson’s employer, but there was a very significant difference between Eden Sweden and Ezzie Mendez. Eden was talked about on a more positive note. She was considered a role model for young children everywhere, while Ezzie was supposedly and emotional wreck who desperately needed either a therapist or should be thrown in jail. Parents ran along with their kids to get Eden’s autograph, while most parents blocked their children’s eyes as Ezzie walked down the street.

It was a bit odd how someone so young and innocent could cause so much controversy. Even from the beginning, Carson knew Ezzie acted a bit older than any normal average fourteen year old. But it wasn’t her fault, she was born that way. From what Ethan had told Carson in the past, Ezzie was working hard in hotels and staying at homeless shelters all by herself for most of her early teens. Carson figured that while working, she earned a sense of maturity that most fourteen year old didn’t get with their parents. Now, Ezzie was walking around Hogwarts with the problems of a twenty-two year old, even though she was only fourteen. Finally, Carson decided on letting her stay outside, but he gave her his magically heated jacket just in case. He wasn’t going to talk to Ezzie while she sat there freezing to death. It just wasn’t done. He asked Ezzie what was wrong, even though he was sure he knew the answer. Carson would bet a million galleons that her problems had something to do with a certain teenager that was now rotting somewhere under London’s streets. Carson was right. Her sadness did have to do with Ethan.

“I know what you mean, Ezzie. I miss him too. I keep waking up every day, thinking I’ll see him in the Lounge, chilling with you guys. But when I don’t, I remember. His funeral just keeps replaying in my head, and I can’t seem to find the stop button.” He admitted sadly. Somehow, he knew Ezzie was thinking the same thing. Everyone missed Ethan terribly, and Carson and Ezzie both knew him well enough to miss him the most. Carson wondered how his parents must have felt the day they found out. After all, Ethan wasn’t the first child they had lost to the Angel of Death. Carson sighed and looked back at Ezzie, who looked a lot better, but still had quiet tears streaming down her red cheeks.

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie couldn’t believe the mess she had gotten herself into. A mere six months ago, Ezzie was lucky to get a galleon a day. But now, Ezzie’s life was definitely much tougher. Ezzie would have given anything to give up this life; to go back in time and undo the damage she had done. There were so many things Ezzie regretted, and most of them had to do with Ethan. Ezzie couldn’t believe this, but she was actually much better off with her old life. She may have been dirt poor and exhausted half the time, but at least she was happy. At least she looked out a window and never wondered what it would feel like to fall out of it. Ezzie had wondered that many times throughout the past few weeks. She would be up in her dorm, staring out the window. Sometimes, she’d wonder whether or not she’d have the guts to jump out there. What harm could it do? Sure, one or two people would be upset about Ezzie’s death, but no one would really care. They’d say karma finally came around and bit her in the butt, and that she got what she deserved. But people like Casey would care. If Ethan’s death had affected her this much, Ezzie just couldn’t bear to imagine seeing Casey struggle through surviving yet another death. She’d never get over it. Ezzie sighed. And then there was Carson. Carson would care too. He’d probably end up getting even angrier at the world. Casey and Carson’s relationship would never flourish like Ezzie wanted if she passed. Ezzie always wanted to jump out that window, but she was too smart to ever do such a thing. She wouldn’t dare do that to Casey and Carson. It would be a big blow on Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs as well. Ezzie still remembered the conversation she’d had the day after Ethan’s funeral.

Ezzie didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there, lying down on Ethan’s old bed crying, but eventually, she heard footsteps approach the door. Ezzie hastily wiped the tears from her face and looked back at the new entrants. Mr. and Mrs. Jacob’s sad faces could be seen staring at Ezzie from Ethan’s bedroom doorway. They smiled sadly at him, and Ezzie couldn’t help but notice there was a child in each of their arms. Ezzie gave them a small sad smile of acknowledgement as they sat down on the bed beside Ezzie. The twins, Alex and Gwen were sucking on pacifiers, almost ready to fall asleep. It seemed all those little babies did was sleep. She sighed and smiled down at Alex, who was the spitting image of Ethan. The thought made Ezzie sad, and she looked away quickly. “Ezzie, we’ve been thinking and…” Amanda started, making Ezzie swallow hard. She glanced at her husband nervously. Here it was. The big moment. Ethan was gone, so there was no reason for Ezzie to stay anymore. They were kicking her out. “and we want to ask you to be Gwen and Alex’s godmother. You’ve been like a daughter to us these past few months, and we want you to know you’re as good as family now.” He said with a small smile, leaving Ezzie speechless. She had never expected this. She expected to be kicked out, not to be made a godmother!

It took quite a bit of convincing, but in the end, Ezzie had agreed to be the godmother of Alexander Ethan Jacobs and Gwendolyn Jessica Jacobs. Their Christening had taken place the day before the end of the Winter Holidays. Ezzie had left Hogwarts a star on the rise, and returned a godmother mourning the death of her ex-boyfriend. Oh, how ironically her life had turned out. Ezzie still found it surprising how much Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs cared about her. They made her a part of their family, taken her in and called her their own. Ezzie expected that she was overstaying her welcome at the Jacobs, and she was nothing but surprised when Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs asked her to be their children's godmother. She also heard that Carson had been made their godfather. Ezzie thought it seemed fitting. Mr. and Mrs. Jacobs had explained to Ezzie that they chose Ezzie and Carson above anyone else because they were the only two people in Ethan’s lives who really truly cared for Ethan. They had basically become part of the family, and Amanda and Alexander couldn’t imagine choosing anyone else to care for their children should anything happen to them.

“I know what you mean. I’ve just been so sad lately, and I can’t stop blaming myself for what happened to Ethan. It just seems like I could have done something to stop it from happening. My mom and the Jacobs even have me going to grief counseling to help me get over the guilt. My therapist is a wacko. She asked me to write a letter to Ethan the other day, and she expects me to hand it to her. Like that’s ever going to happen.” Ezzie admitted. She rolled her eyes at the mention of the therapist. Ezzie’s eyes darted around suspiciously. With Aimee Sinclair poking out of every corner, Ezzie had to make sure she and Carson were alone. If anyone heard what Ezzie was saying right now, she’d never hear the end of it. Ezzie sighed and rubbed her hands together for warmth. Strangely, now that Ezzie was talking about Ethan’s death and how she felt about it, Ezzie felt strangely relieved. Maybe her therapist wasn’t that much of a wacko after all.

[Carson McGreggor H6]

Carson saw Ezzie wipe a frozen tear from her red cheeks and smiled sadly at her. Seeing his friend like this made Carson want to bash someone’s face in. But he knew he couldn’t. He had to contain his anger and stay strong, so he wouldn’t cause any more trouble. He had already caused enough with his imprisonment, but Carson didn’t want to think about that now. No, thinking about that would simply throw everything off. It would get him angry, and get in the way of Carson’s main goal: to help Ezzie. He needed her to regain her composure enough to go inside undetected by any students or staff members. She looked terrible. It was obvious she hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks, and she looked fragile and weak. She was like a porcelain doll, only darker.

Carson sighed. He was worried for Ezzie, he really was. People around her stared at her like she was some kind of animal at a zoo. They talked about her like she couldn’t hear them, or rather couldn’t understand their words. Ezzie was a human being, not some animal. If only people would understand that, then she’d be much better off. He sighed, wondering what was going through her head. Lately, Ezzie would zone out into her own little world, and when she returned to planet earth, she’d be crying silently. Then he saw a small sad smile appear on her face. Ezzie was a mysterious girl sometimes, and he wished she’d get better. She was a strong girl, he knew she could beat this. Carson glanced around again to make sure they weren’t being watched. He would hate to give Ezzie more attention than she already had. God knows she had enough of it as it was.

“What is it with you girls and blaming yourself for things that weren’t your fault?” Carson asked, genuinely wanting to know. “Casey said the same thing about..”Carson let his voice trail off, not wanting to really talk about it. “the accident.” He finished, deciding his tone hinted he didn’t want to talk about it. “It’s not your fault Ezzie. It was Ethan’s time. God wanted him, so he had to leave. You had nothing to do with it.” He said, trying to console her. He wasn’t really the advice giving type of guy, but he felt now wasn’t exactly a bad time to start. He felt a wind blow, blowing both Ezzie’s and Carson’s hair everywhere. He gave her a small awkward smile, wondering what she was going to say.

Then she started talking about a therapist. Poor girl. They had her seeing a therapist now too? But Carson supposed it was for the best. It was plain to see that Ezzie obviously had issues, and even though Carson would normally be against seeing a therapist, he was sure the therapy would help her resolve her problems and shoo away her inner demons. “Ezzie, if the therapist says you should do it, I would go ahead and do it. Although, I don’t see why she has to see it. I’m sure your ‘wacko’ therapist would be perfectly fine knowing you wrote the letter but didn’t want to show it to her. She can’t make you do anything you don’t feel is right, but I would try to listen to her Ezzie, she’s only there to help.” He said, surprised at the words coming out of his mouth. He didn’t know he was capable of such positive advice and encouragement.