|
|
Post by Charles Driscoll H7 on Apr 23, 2006 10:54:19 GMT
((Continued from here)) He held her hand, her long thin fingers nothing more than skin stretched on bone, and he rubbed it with both of his, feeling the heat from his hand slowly being absorbed by hers. His eyes didn’t leave her face as he thought of what they had once had. He missed her so much, missed who she had been, wondered if she could ever be that again, and then told himself with confidence that she could be if she let hope into her heart. She had a long way but if only she took the first step he knew things would get easier as they Charles vowed to be there for her always. She’d saved his life, once literally and once when she’d shown him what she had never been shown by their merciless parents and Charles believed was the reason why they had turned out so differently. Kris had been so fierce a moment ago when he told him not to hurt Sam. What was he thinking; didn’t he know all Charles wanted to do was help her? And yet it was good to know that he cared, good to know Charles had been right when he chose him to ask for help, and best of all that he had actually heard Sam say she was ready to talk to Charles. Charles remembered his conversation with Professor Foxcroft just a few days ago and decided he would be very careful and try his best to understand what Sam was going through even though he couldn’t imagine it. He was wondering what he was going to say when she opened her eyes and the time passed by as he pondered on this when he heard her sigh softly and open her eyes. |
|
|
|
Post by Samantha Driscoll on Apr 23, 2006 10:55:31 GMT
The bed was warm and comfortable. She still thought that when she first woke up in the morning, still remembered the infinite cold of her cell and the hard rock and sand on her back, neck and shoulders and how different it was know she was back here. Small things, but they made so much difference, something she’d never known till now. She didn’t open her eyes for some time, knowing at the back of her mind that something was going on but not quite ready to face it or try and remember what it was.
Someone was holding her hand and rubbing it. That felt nice and comforting. She sighed softly and then opened her eyes, the evening sun sending in dark orange rays of light that brought the room into focus. She stared into her brother’s eyes and saw nothing that scared her. She looked at him for sometime feeling at peace, feeling the same way she had when she’d first seen him today: she had shouldn’t have been so afraid to meet him. And yet the first words out of her mouth were an apology. “I’m sorry,” she said. She had failed everyone in so many ways she thought as the words came out of her mouth. It was the apology she thought she owed her parents that she was giving to Charles right now.
|
|
|
|
Post by Charles Driscoll H7 on Apr 23, 2006 10:56:29 GMT
“What are you sorry for exactly Sam?” he asked her softly. There was a torrent of emotions inside him and he had to exert an effort to keep his voice calm and steady but he couldn’t understand why all Sam could feel was the burden of her guilt and never fury against their parents or against the huge price she’d had to pay for what he knew was not her real crime and what was actually her wake-up call but still had been extremely harsh he thought. She had to make it through, and Charles was dying to tell her they needed to move on. "Sorry because you saved my life? Sorry because you once loved me the way a family loves each other, or at least is supposed to? Sorry because you made some mistakes along the way and have now paid your dues? Tell me Sam, what are you sorry for?" he said, his voice sympathetic but with a slight edge to it. He wanted to proceed slowly because he knew now that Sam was probably going to block out everything except for what he said about her mistakes.
|
|
|
|
Post by Samantha Driscoll on Apr 23, 2006 10:57:32 GMT
She heard his first question and barely heard the rest of his words as she turned away from him, racked with guilt. "I'm sorry for bringing disgrace to the Driscoll name. I'm sorry because I sent Dad to prison and made Mum kill herself. I'm sorry because I was never good enough, because I never got anything right, because I ruined so many lives, Charles, that's what I'm sorry for," she said and she placed her hands over her eyes. Why was he asking her this? Kris said he wanted to comfort her, and that she should save his soul as well his life, but he was making her relive the pain, and face the mistakes and terrible crimes that made up her life. She was a failure. She was eighteen and she had already been in and out of prison when she hadn’t even graduated school. She had no accomplishments to be proud of. Her parents had been right all their life when they berated her and were disappointed her. There was nothing she had ever done correctly her whole miserable life. She wished she could cry, but even that form of release was impossible for her because the tears just wouldn’t come.
|
|
|
|
Post by Charles Driscoll H7 on Apr 23, 2006 10:58:16 GMT
He was wrong about her blocking out that part of the sentence, but right in knowing she would only continue to blame herself. He gently took her hands away from her face. "Sam, for once I want you to listen to me. Yes, me, not those two dreadful excuses for human beings we had as parents," he said the emotion showing in his voice now as he was unable to contain it any longer. "Oh don’t look so shocked. I've called them much worse things in my mind I can tell you and there are no words in any language to describe the contempt I have for them. Sam, I want you to look at things as I see them for once. Dad taught you everything he knows. He ended up in prison and almost took you there with him, and the vile things they found in our house, he collected them not you. He taught you Crucio not you him. You saved my life; I wouldn’t be surprised if he'd Crucioed me one day because I defied his and Mother's orders. I never did what they wanted or tried to live up to their impossible expectations. And you know what Sam, I'm happy, which is more than I could ever say for you. I had a lovely childhood because of you, I'm enjoying my years at Hogwarts because of my relationships with my teachers and friends, I'm so much better off without those two people in my life," said Charles vehemently.
"Our mother killed herself because she was a weak person who lived for nothing but appearances, take that way and there was nothing. She was like a balloon and once you pricked her there was nothing left. It was a selfish choice Sam, and I don't know how you can’t see that. Her weakness even surprises even me but then I never knew her. And guess what, I'm glad I didn't," he said. He was being harsher than he had ever been in his life, but he couldn’t believe his parents were still hurting his sister even when they were so far away. "I think you’re different Sam. I think there's hope for you. I think you can move on and put this behind you. They're gone Sam, the spell is broken. And I will always be here, beside you and I'll love you and support and give you everything you need. Everything they wouldn’t and couldn't. And you know why Sam? Because you taught me that. Because even though you can’t be happy you gave me the happiness and the courage that made me turn my back on them. And now, it's your turn. But it's you who have to make that choice," he finished. "Listen Sam, listen to me and think about it. I'm here, they're not. They never were," he said bitterly. He'd let go of her hand now and was down on his knees beside her bed, his hands on the crook of her arm.
|
|
|
|
Post by Samantha Driscoll on Apr 23, 2006 10:59:11 GMT
And she did listen. Because he was right, he was here and they weren't. In the end, it was simple as that. And what she saw in his eyes she had never seen in theirs. And to say that she had taught him that… well it was simply incredible. She'd given him courage? But she had none. But he was right about her never having been happy. And she'd always thought that Charles couldn’t be too – that it was only his lack of ambition and his refusal to realise the privileges he had by being born into such a family. But now she was just beginning to realise how much her parents had put her through. When he said he imagined his father could Crucio him it finally hit home, because that was what her father had done to her. And she finally realised the incredible brutality and cruelty of such a crime – and that how a father could do that to his own daughter should have shocked her just the same as the very notion shocked Charles. He didn’t know her father had indeed done that, and he thought he was a horrible enough already. And yes, her mother had never been there for her. And it was she who'd chosen to kill herself. Even through she'd been through all she had Sam had never contemplated suicide. So maybe she was indeed stronger.
"So you’re saying that this is entirely their fault Charles? But I've lived my whole life with those ideals. Everyone is always going to know I went to Azkaban; everyone is going to judge me for that. They're always going to know the horrible things I did. And if I'm so blameless why is life so unfair? Why did I have to go to Azkaban? Why didn’t they see that I was only trying to save your life, not hurt that man. You don’t know what it felt like for me to see him be in so much pain," she said her voice cracking. Pain she'd known she thought but didn’t tell him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Charles Driscoll H7 on Apr 23, 2006 11:00:16 GMT
"That's where you're wrong Sam," he said, and he thought of Ivy and what Sam had done to her feeling a slight pain in his heart. "You went to Azkaban to pay for the other people you hurt, not because you saved my life. Life is unfair, but you'll find in the end it isn’t that unfair. It's like when you do badly on one exam and much better on another when you imagined things would happen the other way around. That court was unfair to you but that was because they saw everything you did in the light of what our family had done before. You've hurt a lot of people Sam – and they'd done nothing to you just like I'd done nothing to that Death Eater you saved me from - but you've paid a terrible price for that. It's time for you to forget that and focus on the rest of your life. Why can you only see the empty part of the glass? Why can’t you see this as a wake-up call, even be grateful that you didn’t live your whole life thinking like our parents and caring about their dreams and their happiness only? Eighteen is young Sam. Next year you'll graduate from Hogwarts and that's what everyone is usually excited about, going into the world and starting their life Sam. No-one says your life has ended unless you say so," he said. He'd been through the battle of defining what was right in his mind but it had been slightly easier for him. But he knew Sam just had to take the first step and then everything would get easier from there.
“And you're not completely on your own, though I was at times and I learnt how to cope. You’ll always have me Sam. And I’ll give you what you gave me years ago and now I know you never wanted to stop giving me, what our parents never knew, never felt, never gave us. Unconditional love. I don’t care what you do Sam. I don't want someone incredible for a sister. I just want someone to share my life with. To talk to and depend on. Now that is what you need to give me and blame yourself if you can’t. I couldn’t care less what your marks are, whether your name is in the papers, or what you decide to do with your life. It's you have to care about that, not me, not them, not anyone else. It's you have define what you are and what you want to with your life. And, yes, Sam, there is such a love, though you’ve seen little of it in your life. I’ve seen little of it too Sam but then I had it since I was born – you gave it to me everyday, and I haven’t forgotten,” said Charles, smiling at her with love in his eyes. "You can’t run from yourself forever Samantha. You have to be what you are, live your own dreams, and when you make mistakes, learn from them, not live to blame yourself for them," he explained.
"And who cares what anyone thinks? Kris doesn't, I don’t, and everyone who matters won’t. That's how you should think Sam. I taught myself not to care about what Mother and Father thought. I taught myself to things because I believed they were right. You need to dare to dream Sam, dare to experiment – dare to live," he said. Because the past eighteen years of her life had sadly been wasted in his opinion, but he was optimistic enough to see that they were finally over and they needed to only look forwards. "You have your whole life in front of you, Sam, be glad you didn’t learn this lesson when there was nothing you could do about it. And focus on yourself because you've paid for you mistakes and life is short." He moved closer to her, wanting to hug her, but not too sure how she would feel about that. He stroked her hair gently and wished he could stay longer. "It's getting dark and I can’t see anything. I have to go now, but I'll be here tomorrow," he said.
|
|
|
|
Post by Samantha Driscoll on Apr 23, 2006 11:00:55 GMT
He'd answered all her questions before she asked them. He'd also given her loads to think about and while she knew things still didn’t look good he'd given her hope. She wanted to dare to do all those things he said. She wanted to have a life again – no, she thought, she wanted to start living because she'd never really had a life before. She wanted to put the past behind her even though it seemed such a difficult task. She knew Charles would be there for her as Kris had been and that when she was better she wanted to be for them both. And she pulled him to her, and they hugged like when they were children and had been innocent and life had been so easy. She let go of him and two tears fell from her eyes. She couldn’t remember when she'd last cried and it was strange but she felt as if she'd accomplished something by being able to do that. It was like she getting in touch with a part of herself she had never known existed. "Really? It is only now that I think I'm finally beginning to see," said Samantha, and pulled the covers to her chin. Tomorrow was going to be a big day she decided, and while she was nervous she also felt excited. Tomorrow was not going to be like today.
|
|
