I Still Believe ((Harry))

[rosewood]

She lay on the bed for a few moments still in that strange place one is after waking up when one is still not fully awake, blissfully aware of the warm bed and the light coming in from the window, of her free unbound hands no longer aching from the ropes tightly cutting into them. She replayed the events of last night in her head, and as the light reflected on her bracelet she closed her eyes for a minute and thought of him sending her the message and telling her how to escape. She had always known that he would come for her but she had been so scared it would be too late. The Death Eaters had ignored her for most of the time but like any vicious creatures they enjoyed threatening their prey and keeping it constantly on tenterhooks. Julie didn’t know if she would have survived if she hadn't had her bracelet, her last link to the real world which had been so far away amidst the darkness. In the end when the days had stretched into months she had been so close to losing hope, and maybe he had come for her at the last moment when she had been hanging by a thread, but he had come, and now, here she was, back at Hogwarts, safe and sound, impossible as that seemed to her.

She wondered what she would say, what she would do when she would first see him. She had never felt so emotional before, and in some strange way she couldn't understand, so exposed. She felt she had been as brave as she possibly could and now all she wanted was someone to take care of her and love her, just to be there and tell her it was all right and that the ordeal she had been through was finally over.

[Harry Potter]

Dumbledore told him that she was here, that after the months of fighting for any sign of her, she here, and that she would be alright. He almost couldn't believe it, and as he walked quickly toward the hospital wing, all he could not stop the concerns that filled him. What if she was angry with him for not brining her back long before this? What if she was disappointed that he was not the one to rush in and take her away? What if she didn't remember him at all? She would be fine, thats what Dumbledore said, but that didn't mean she was fine now. The thoughts rushed though his head, coming faster and faster, and the next thing he knew, he was running. He no longer cared if she was cross with him or if she didn't remember him, he needed to see her with his own eyes.

He ran until he stepped through he doors into the hospital bed, and as if he knew exactly where she lay, his gaze immediately feel upon the bed she had claimed. Before he could not stop himself from running, but now, he could not make his feet move. He stood frozen in the doorway, staring at her, and waiting for her to give him some sign of recognition.

[rosewood]

She stared at him when he first entered, for a time that could've been anything between a minute and 15 minutes, but in that time she felt a surge of emotions that uplifted her spirit and filled her with a warmth and happiness she had known she would feel when she saw him but had never imagined would be so intense. She smiled suddenly, a wide smile as she looked at the face of the person who had never left her thoughts during the past time, the reason why she had held on so long and not let her fear drive her crazy. Finally, when she that Harry wasn't going to make the first move, and not being a girl who knew what she wanted and not go after it, she opened her mouth and spoke softly.

"What, it's been almost two months we've only been contacting each other through a bracelet and a watch and you won't even give me a hug?" she said, trying to sound funny even though her voice was rather weak. "I can do much better than that," she said with a faint glint in her eyes. She moved slowly though she wasn't in pain, but she hadn't walked in a long time and it seemed as if her legs were a bit like jelly. She slipped her arms around Harry's waist, remembering the comfortable secure feeling it had always given her to do just that, or to look into his eyes and see that rebellious fire that said, "I won’t give up". Then she looked into his eyes and kissed him lightly, small light kisses on his jaw bone and finally a quick one on the lips. Then she put her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder, and before she knew it, she was crying.

[Harry Potter]

He couldn't move, and he had given up trying. Instead he stared at Julie, waiting, that was until a smile broke out across her face. At that moment it was as if all of his remaining fears washed away. She really was going to be fine. She was here, she looked as beautiful as ever, and she remembered him. A wide, uncontainable smile broke out across his own face, and for a moment he was too happy to move.

When she finally spoke, it was as if it pulled him free of whatever was keeping him locked onto the floor, and he took a few steps toward her, meeting her half way. She was always better at initiating things like this, and it always came so easily to her. It never worried her like it did him; right now though, he didn't care, and as her arm wrapped around his waste both of his went around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. His eyes eased shut as he held her as close as he could, part of him needed to feel the warmth of her body against his own to reassure himself. He felt her lips brushing against his skin, and softly against his lips, his eyes not opening again until her head was on his shoulder.

One of his arms was still strong around her shoulder, not wanting to let go. Not quite yet at least. The pain of having lost her the first time was far too raw. His other hand moved up closer to her head, and ran down her hair, and he left the weight of his own head lean against hers when he realized she was crying. He didn't know what to say or how to comfort her. She was always so much better at that than he was.
"Shhh, its alright." he whispered almost directly into her ear, trying to keep his voice quiet and steady despite the fact he was hardly feeling that himself. "Everything will be alright. You here now, and I'm not letting anything happen to you again."

[rosewood]

"Oh, look at your robes," said Julie, a few minutes later when she had finished sobbing. She felt liberated somehow, like she had been holding her breath for a very long time and then finally let it out. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me," she said, leaning again for a quick hug. She could do this for hours on end, she just couldn’t believe she was back with Harry and they were holding each other again. She pulled him down so they were sitting on the ground, and she laid her head on his shoulder and tried to explain to him how she was feeling. "It was just so overwhelming, oh Harry! There were moments when I was scared out of my wits, you know what they're like. They'd get annoyed and just decide to pick on me for the fun of it. But then I finally managed to get to you and I kept getting your messages whenever I'd resigned myself to the fact that I was done for," she said, looking at her bracelet for a minute. "And here you are, with me again, and we're both safe and sound," she said a bit absently, as if voicing that fact now had suddenly made her realise it was true; as if it was only in this moment that she finally woken from a nightmare that had been so long she had almost thought she could no longer awaken and forget about it.

"Thank you Harry. I've always known that," she said. And she had, from the minute he had asked her for a way to always be sure they were connected so he could be sure nothing bad had befallen her. Perhaps part of the reason he meant so much to her was that she had never felt scared since she had known him, or at least she'd known how to control and deal with the fear and that meant a lot to Julie. But something in his tone made her look at him again, and her suspicion that all was not well with him was confirmed. "Harry, what's wrong with you? You're so quiet," she said, trying to read his thoughts as she starred into his eyes, stroking his hair lightly, feeling a satisfaction in doing just that, and not realising how much she had missed it until now. "What is it?" she asked again, wondering what was saddening him now that everything had ended so well.

[Harry Potter]

He didn't care about the robes, right now his clothing was the furthest thing from his mind, so her apology just made him smile. He glanced down at his shoulder, covered with tear stains, and he just met her own hug with one of his own. "They're only robes."

When she started to pull him down to the ground, he sunk down willingly, part of him wanting to wrap an arm protectively around her shoulder, but instead he let his fingers interlace with hers. He didn't say anything as she described what had happened. It was hard not to, but he didn't want to say anything in front of her. inside, he wanted to hurt them. He wanted to make them all pay for what the did to her, and one day, he planned to. A good portion of his attention was on these thoughts when she asked him what was wrong, brining his focus back to the present. He looked over at her, and smiled. Not really wanting to tell her. He knew that he could tell her anything, but she was back now, and he didn't want to drag her into that world again. He knew it was part of his world, no matter how much he wanted it not to be, but it didn't have to be part of hers. "Nothings wrong" he replied quickly, covering his thoughts. "I'm just...happy that your back, and thinking that its almost summer, and we'll have to go home soon."

[rosewood]

She pulled her hand from his and glared at him angrily. "What do you think I am, stupid? And even if I was, after all this time and you haven't learnt the first thing about me Harry! The summer!" she said her eyes widening in disbelief. "I know you, Harry. I know when you're sad, and when something's worrying you, and I think you must be crazy if you think I didn’t see that the minute you came in here. What is it with you people? You, my father, everyone! I'm 16, I'm not a baby! I've been kidnapped by Death Eaters and lived with them in the same room for longer than a month!" she raged. "I can make my own choices. And when I chose to love you Harry, I knew it wasn't going to be like loving anyone else. So stop trying to hide your fears and worries from me Harry!" she said, crossing her arms over her heaving chest.

Like any Ravenclaw an insult to her intelligence was unacceptable but this went so much deeper. They'd been through so much together she couldn’t believe there was something he was hiding from her. The mood they had been in was broken, after her outburst she felt a tight knot in the middle of her stomach and her whole body had tensed. The fatigue of a few minutes ago was forgotten amidst her anger. Sure she wanted his protection, but that didn’t mean she wanted him hiding the parts of his life that might hurt or sadden her. She would have thought he knew that.

[Harry Potter]

He sat still on the floor for a moment, the sudden change in mood between them throwing him off. He never was any good at holding his temper, even when he struggled against it, and the next thing he knew he was jumping to his feet. “You don’t understand! You don’t know what its like to have to live this every day. If something happened to you…I…I..” he found himself stopping, no words coming to him. He couldn’t say it. She was gone for so long, and the thought that she might not be coming back was almost too much to bear. He lost his parents, he lost Sirius, he didn’t think he could stand to loose anyone else he held close to him. “He is trying to get to me Julie, and he does it by taking the people I care about the most! He killed them, Julie. He killed them and he didn’t care, and that is the life I have to live. I didn’t have a choice, but you do. You don’t have to be part of this, and I can’t ask you to be.”

He pace the floor for a moment, his mind racing so fast he almost couldn’t think. He remembered holding her, and he never wanting to let go, and now he wanted to push her away. He told her he wouldn’t let them hurt again, and this was the only way he knew how.

[rosewood]

Julie watched him and the fury inside her would just not abate. She knew what he must have been through, but how she wished people would understand that the ordeal she had been through had made her convinced that the evil out there had to be faced and not cowered from. All her life she had thought she would be protected and that it was not she who was the one to do the protecting, but now after the kidnap, her first conscious thought after she had woken up was that this could happen again to her or to anyone. Everybody had to do this together, fight and vanquish Lord Voldemort and his followers as a united front. Even if it was Harry who was going to be in the final battle on his own, there were other battles that would have to be fought and won before that happened. Why did Harry constantly insist on being the one and only hero? But before she could say anything, what Harry said next made her stop. Could he possibly mean what she thought?

"What are you trying to tell me Harry? Are you asking me to – to stay away?" she asked, hoping with all heart that that was not what he meant but knowing him too well to think he would let her get involved after all that had happened. She had almost added "from you", but couldn’t say it. She made her way back to the bed and flopped down on it, unable to look at him while she waited for an answer.

[Harry Potter]

He started for a moment, feeling his temper settle as he stood perfectly still, not moving. It felt like things were finally making sense to him, and he finally realized what it was he needed to be doing. He had always taken comfort in people who he was closest to, but they were the ones who Voldermort targeted. In order to keep them safe, he had to push them away, to make Voldermort target himself instead of innocent people, like Julie.

Harry took a breath, his mind finally calming enough. "Yes" he replied, taking a moment before he continued. "We can't see each other anymore. I'm...I'm sorry Julie." He stood for another moment, his weight awkwardly shifting before he finally stepped forward, giving Julie a quick hug. He felt strange and comfortable all at the same time, and he felt himself lingering there for a short moment before he pushed himself away, this time taking a few steps back so he stood further from her than he had before.

[rosewood]

Julie closed her eyes as her worst fears were realised. She couldn’t believe he was telling her this now, after all they'd shared; after all they'd felt for each other; after all they'd been through. She'd thought that all that meant they could never break up or stay away from each other, that her love for him and his for her had created an unbreakable bond between them. But she understood in that moment that to him it was the reason why they had to stay away from each other, that because he felt so strongly as she did about him it meant the complete opposite, that they had to stay away and not become closer. She knew how he felt, and why he was doing this, but that didn’t mean she agreed with him. That didn’t mean she was going to take his decision and do nothing to make him change it. As he hugged her she didn’t hug him back but just told herself resolutely to not fume against him and she would figure out. But not now, when she was so tired and sad. Not now, when she was exhausted with all that happened. Not now, when she couldn’t really absorb the full meaning of what he had told her.

"I'm obviously just somewhere you’re not – go Harry," she said finally opening her eyes. "Just go. But remember that there is only so much you and your damned nobility can stop me from doing," she said. She felt tears well up in her eyes again but she didn’t want to cry in front of him anymore. She closed her eyes and for a long time after he had left she couldn’t sleep. Harry had left her. After everything, after the first time she had felt this way about anyone, he'd left her. An overwhelming sadness filled her, and Julie sobbed loudly, repeating over and over in her head, "I'm not going to let him do this alone, whatever he says."