Life on Standby (Ivy)

[payton]

His memory seemed to come back in bits and pieces, with a heavy fog still that constantly lingered. There were things that he remembered perfectly, sometimes seemed almost like like some distant feeling more than a memory, and some things he didn't remember at all. It complicated everything. It was slowly nearing two months after the attack, and he had been at Hogwarts for a month now, and while life seemed confusing sometimes still and the vast castle and endless number of halls all of which looked exactly the same were not making life easy, the school had an odd familiar feeling, and he had immersed himself in his the study of charms, which Dillion told him was his favorite subject, and he was now starting to remember.

On this particular Saturday afternoon, he decided to escape the castle and trek out across the grounds to the lake. He grabbed a sweater, one of his charms books and a bottle of butterbeer he had smuggled back from Hogsmead the previous weekend. The weather was cool and breezy, but refreshing, and he settling himself down on the grass near the bank, spreading his charms book out before him.

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy shivered and drew her robes closer around her as she made her way across the grounds, determined for some solitary time. She would have been happy to speak to Nokomis or Sadie, one of her close friends, especially Nokomis because Nokomis was in a position to understand how she was feeling; they were both trying to come to terms with the loss of a good friend. It was a cold day, slightly cloudy but not enough to affect vision, with a slightly chilly wind, but fine nevertheless. She'd practised Quidditch in much worse conditions than this; in fact these were good Quidditch conditions - not too hot or muggy in any way, but not raining either; cool and ripe for practising in. The only setback was the wind; the breeze tended to blow the balls a bit off course, so you needed to give the Quaffle more force. It never hurt to practise in all conditions of course, because you were usually obliged to play in all conditions. But the perfect conditions today weren't helping Ivy to feel much better. Rather it was another thing that she and Nokomis had used to do with Laura - Quidditch practices - which had been taken away by someone who hadn't even batted an eyelid, hadn't even thought for a moment about the life they were taking away. And they'd thought they had the right to do it. That was the worst of all. Nobody had had the right to take Laura's life away. But yet it had happened. Ivy could still hardly believe it. She didn't want to believe it.

Ivy stopped walking as she reached the edge of the lake, feeling slightly out of breath and realising that she'd been increasing her speed as she was walking to get faster and faster, trying to outwalk her pain and frustration and anger. Now she stood still, gazing at the grey reflection of the sky on the lake, the sun glittering off one part of it, spreading cold diamonds across the surface, and her heart throbbing in her chest, hurting, her mouth feeling slightly dry. Life was a strange thing. It didn't manage to make the most rational decisions as to who lived and who died, who succeeded and who was left unfulfilled, but yet it presented all this beauty. False beauty, because parts of the world were so ugly. But yet Hogwarts, most of Hogwarts at least, was so beautiful. It didn't feel right that Laura wasn't here to share it. Ivy sighed heavily and changed her course so that she was making her way round the lake. She was going to change her course to skirt round the person she saw sitting by the lake, but she felt an inexplicable jolt; having come here to escape from all the people that made it so hard to think, she now wanted some company. And the fact it was someone she knew, of sorts, meant that she didn't want to avoid them, so she approached the older boy sitting near the bank, her greeting coming out slightly quieter than she had intended because she felt shyer than she had originally anticipated.
"Payton," she greeted him quietly. "Can I sit down?"

[payton]

He flipped through his charms book until he reached the part he had not come to yet--or at least not in this time around reading the book. Next up was the tergeo charm, which was used to clean and dry things. A useful charm that was for sure. He was skimming through the motions for the swish and flick for this particular charm when he heard someone say is name. He glanced up and saw Ivy Tunstall coming toward him. Ivy and he were not exactly friends, though they were slightly more than simple acquaintances. She was one of the people he had to learn to know all over again after the attack in Diagon Alley. That said, she was not exactly the person he expected to ask if she could sit by the lake with him.

"Sure, pull up some grass."
He smiled and sat up slightly, closing his book.
"How are you holding up?"
He didn't really remember Laura, but by the look on Ivy's face, the death had really effected her.

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy sat down as Payton had instructed, giving him the best smile she could manage considering the combination of her mood and who he was. It was no good though. She felt hurt, sad and just a little alone and she never had been one for stopping things like that showing through in her eyes. Anger could blaze through them most effectively also but anger was a very rare thing for her. Payton had been on the receiving end of it. She sighed slightly to herself as she remembered that occasion, flushing a little at the memory. She wished her anger could go back to something like that. Her worry could go back to something like that. Her grief could go back to anything like what it had been at that stage. Why were things determined to get progressively more painful? Was this the way things were supposed to be? What had gone wrong with the world?

Ivy had been staring blankly at the mountain range in the distance, wrapped up in her own thoughts, and gave a little jolt as she realised Payton had just spoken to her. "I'm okay," she replied automatically. It was a silly question that people kept on asking her in one form or another. She had no right to be anything else than okay really. It wasn't her who had had her future ripped away from her. But she wasn't okay. She had lost a friend and she felt upset. She felt guilty, too. Why hadn't it been her that the Death Eaters attacked, someone who didn't have a mother who cared about her? Why hadn't she been able to do anything about it? Ivy sighed, realising just how unbelievable she was when she said something like that, and drawing her legs up, hugging them against her with her arms, she admitted what she was really feeling, frustration and hurt showing through in her voice with no attempt made to disguise it. "No, I'm not okay. I should be, but I'm not. How can I be when Laura's not here anymore? Just... not here, and she'll never come back either. There's not a thing I can do to make it better. And I just... well I miss Laura because she was a good friend." Ivy halted and swallowed painfully, the lump in her throat hurting, stopping her from speaking. "And I don't know why... well why... her?" Ivy stopped, watching Payton anxiously. She couldn't say anything more. Her throat always started to stop her from doing that when she tried to talk about it. Payton had suffered from the Diagon Alley attack. He hadn't lost anyone he cared about... no. But he had lost memories of those he cared about. Ivy wondered for a moment how he felt about that, and sighed to herself, looking away from Payton and down at the knees which were still drawn up close to her.

[payton]

He didn't say anything when she first commented that she was okay. It was obvious to tell that she wasn't, and he was pretty sure he knew the reason why. He didn't really remember Laura, but then he didn't really remember anything unless it became part of daily life again. The rest of his word was lost in some foggy part of his mind he could sometimes get close to, but never really grasp, and now, months after the attack, he was okay with that. He managed a weak, understanding smile when Ivy finally admitted that she wasn't okay and went off on the reason, and how Laura was gone.
"There wasn't a reason for it to be her."
He took a deep breath after the words, and looked out across the lake.
"There wasn't a reason to the whole thing, to the attacks, to everything. It happened though, and no no amount of pain or suffering can change that."

He looked over at Ivy, knowing that she must be hurting and also knowing that he wasn't the one who she wanted to find comfort in. He didn't remember it at first, but he could recall now that their relationship had not been an easy one. He could vaguely recall jesting statements and trying to win her over with silly actions and charms. Now though, that all seemed distant and the world to different to go back. Maybe Ivy didn't know it, but they were joined by the pain the attacks had brought.

He never was the type to be serious, but no he looked at her with his normal expression of mischievous thoughts unsaid was gone.
"I know you miss her, and I wish I could say that someday you just...wont feel it anymore, but you always will. You just...learn to live with it."

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy continued to hug her knees but frowned thoughtfully at Payton as he stated there wasn't a reason. It was just a matter of chance, just the way things had worked out. That somehow comforted Ivy a bit. It didn't take away any of the pain of Laura being gone; it didn't fill the chasm where once there had been a friend, a life full of hopes, cares, fears. But Payton was right. No amount of fretting about what might have been would help. Ivy gave Payton a smile. It wasn't big or brave; indeed it still showed the fact she was hurting inside. But it did have a hint of acceptance in it. Payton was right in what he'd said. Suddenly she felt rather small, faced with Payton's mature understanding of things. He'd made her start to accept things she wouldn't even have allowed herself previously to begin to contemplate. He was the oldest person (other than professors of course) she knew - although knew was perhaps not the right word for it - and she needed someone older, wiser than her to talk to about how the world could contain such confusing cruelty. There weren't many older, wiser people left for her that she could talk to. That might well have been the reason why she'd gone to talk to Payton. She needed some guidance, and though he was far from her favourite person, he was the best person she knew to give it at this moment in time.

Ivy looked gratefully at Payton in reply to his unnaturally serious held eye contact. He couldn't know how right he was; but really he did seem to know just the right way to put everything. She undersood what he meant, even though she wasn't sure she could come to terms with it all right now. She still couldn't accept that there were Death Eaters willing to do what they'd done; or that it'd been Laura. But Payton was speaking a lot of sense that she couldn't help but take in. She couldn't change what had happened. She would just have to remember Laura and let those memories be - and yes it would hurt when her friend wasn't there to share things they'd done together in the past again. But there was nothing she could do now to change the past and Payton was, as she had thought before, more concise in his accuracy than he could know. She would just have to learn to live with the fact Laura was gone.

Ivy looked again at the mountains in the distance. The peaks were not yet snowcapped; it was too early in the year for that. The foothills were still green and lush with summer growth; purple with heather. It was all a bit blurred, because there were a few tears around in her eyes she hadn't realised were there. That didn't matter though, because she was glad she'd come to talk to Payton.
"Is it possible to change the future?" she asked, taking her arms away from her knees and extending the angle her legs were at to balance properly. That allowed her to look at Payton directly, and she waited anxiously for his answer.

[payton]

He watched her for a moment, his gaze still almost strangely serious. He was the more mature Moore at Hogwarts, but neither of the red haired twins were known for serious nature. Now though, things were different. In a weeks life had changed for both of them, all at the hands of Death Eaters they had no prior experience with, and everything seemed so out of control. After a moment he looked away and off at the distant mountains Ivy was staring into. He was trying to see her reaction, to tell if what he was saying was sinking in, and when she seemed to act as if it had, he felt a bit comforted himself.

When she asked about the future, he glanced back over at her, his gaze still serious, thought slightly more light hearted than it had been before. He never was any good at being melancholy, even when the mood called for it. Somehow growing up the way he had had taught him to just be happy with what you had and keep working to make your future better than the present. When he thought of that he let out a slight laughing breath, not that he meant it, but he had answered her question in his mind with out even realizing it.
"You can always change something that has yet to happen, its the stuff that has we have no control over."
He sighed and looked away from her and back at the mountains. He never had any problem talking to people, and giving them whatever answer they wanted. With Ivy it had always been in a much more charming setting--him trying to win her over after she had decided he was the lowest form of life at Hogwarts. Now though, he wasn't trying, and it somehow made things better between them.
"My Pop's always says thats what people don't see, that we make our futures what they are, that its some agreement with destiny that we have to shake hands on. People do it blindly, when sometimes you have fight against it."

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy didn't say anything initially in response to Payton as he first replied about being able to change the future. She'd known that herself anyway really - if she wasn't able to, there wouldn't be much point to her existence. Hopefully she would always be able to make a difference to somebody - however small that difference might be. That way there would always be some reason for her to be here. But although Payton had given her a straight answer to the direct question she had asked him, that hadn't been exactly what she meant. She could change her future... but she felt so powerless as far as the greater scale of things went. She couldn't stop the Death Eaters doing... what they were doing. She couldn't make a difference against You-Know-Who. There was nothing she could do to stop what had happened to Laura happening again. That made her feel terribly insecure, and frightened.

Ivy looked at the other side of the like, shifting her view away from the far distance and focusing on something nearer to home. She weighed Payton's words in her mind. 'Sometimes you have to fight against it.' Was that true? How was she supposed to do that? Ivy glanced at Payton. She could still remember vividly a time when she had despised him, could still recall some of that loathing if she tried hard enough to focus on the reasons for it. But somehow that seemed unimportant things. There were people able and willing to hurt her friends far more. She supposed it put things into perspective. And he wasn't being annoying; he was serious, and he was helping, somehow. He was a seventh year, too. He must have some idea what he intended to do in the world by now. That was what Ivy wanted to talk about.

"You... it scares me." she said, not trying to hard to make sense. It didn't seem to have mattered all that much earlier on. "I don't know what I can do to help... what I can do that will shape the future. I know that... whatever I do isn't going to change anything, won't change anything that's happened, that is. But... I don't know what I can do. The thing I'm best at is Charms... and I don't see what... how I can ever use that to help... stop it ever happening again." Ivy hesitated, and then let a couple of final sentences burst out. "Because it's not going to stop, not all on its own. But I can't see anything I can do to fight it."

[payton]

Ivy stayed silent after he spoke, and he leaned back to rest his weight against his elbows. He never imagined himself thinking that maybe there was a time for silence, and a time to just be serious, but then it was still hard to imagine everything that had happened that past August, and they had both survived it. Though his gaze was steadily out across the lake, not really looking at anything, just peering out across the waters, the glanced over at Ivy ever few moments, waiting for a response. Their exact history was still lost to him, and he expected it always would be, but he could feel that it had not been an easy one, even if he still didn't know exactly why. Somehow though, things seemed better between them. Maybe with what they had both been though--Ivy loosing a dear friend, and him being in Diagon Alley when it was attacked, somehow made them need one another.

When she finally spoke he looked over at her, keeping his gaze soft and somehow not completely direct. He knew it was hard for her to talk like this, it was hard for him too. "I don't think there is a lot most of us can do, other than keep trying to live our lives. I would think thats what he wants, for us to stop everything and live in fear." His gaze became more direct for a moment, and he knew that it wasn't really the answer that she wanted. She probably would have preferred he gave her some direct thing she could do to keep herself and the people she cared about safe, but even he didn't know the answer to that. "You said your good at charms though, they can be pretty useful. Thats where my strengths lie as well. There are protection charms and such. Maybe you could spend some extra time learning some of those." As he spoke he knew that even these words weren't exactly right, but for the moment it was the best he could come up with, for Ivy and for himself.

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy shook her head at Payton’s words. He was right in a way but yet… “How can you carry on living your lives when all the important things are being taken away from them?” she burst out before she was able to check herself. She continued on in a quieter voice that wavered slightly, feeling sorry for having been so emphatic but yet wanting to get across what she meant. “How can he do it though? How is it humanly possible? He doesn’t have the right to…” Ivy broke off suddenly. She knew none of it made any sense, and that there was no point attempting to make it do so. He shouldn’t be able to do it but somehow the Death Eaters were able to callously take other people’s lives. She’d never be able to understand that… it wasn’t comprehensible. “Sorry…” Ivy said weakly as she sighed slightly. There wasn’t anything in particular to apologise for… just a lot of things. “I just… I don’t know. I don’t know why things can’t just be right but…” Ivy shook her head and looked at Payton directly, hoping he would understand what she was thinking about. It was too hard to put words to all the questions whirling around in her head.

Ivy nodded at his advice. It all made sense. Though she wasn't sure exactly what difference that meant but... where her strengths lay was where she was most likely to be able to help. Somehow. Even though nothing was going to bring Laura back. She looked him in the eye for a split second before gazing back into the lake where her reflection and that of the grey sky rippled on the surface of the water. The wind was lifting her cloak up and whipping her hair around so that it fell in front of her eyes. She shivered a little - the chilly wind was biting her through to the bone and in her slightly sleep-deprived state she couldn't cope with it very well. She needed to get moving again. Ivy gave Payton a small smile and stood up, merely saying "Thanks," and conveying how grateful she was for his having given her some time through the eye-contact she maintained for a moment. He had been very sensitive to what she meant and he did make a lot of sense. She was glad he'd let her talk, however troubled their history was. If he actually remembered that. She couldn't forget that. She didn't say anything else as she set off around the lake again, picking her way along the bank. The movement would help to keep her warm and still afford her the solitude she needed. To think over everything, perhaps with a slightly new light on things. It wasn't going to help to remain confused and upset forever.