Realisations ((Kris))

[Ivy Tunstall]

A low mist hung over the lake on the early Saturday morning in mid-October Ivy had chosen to take a walk outside in the grounds. It was slightly eery and uncanny out here, the usual clear vision of the surrounding hills and in the distance mountains available from here obscured from her view by the mist, and she shivered in spite of herself, drawing her robes tighter around her and glancing back to the castle for comfort. She had no right to feel secure really, and few people in the wizarding world could do entirely anymore, but she shouldn't really be letting mere things like the weather affect her like this. But it probably wasn't exactly the safest time to be out walking in the Grounds though. It would be all right. Hogwarts was safe. Even if no where else was, Hogwarts would be the oasis of peace and security where she would feel safe.

Ivy's hands were cold and she drew them up her sleeves, balling them into fists to try to warm them up. It was no use though; they would remain icy because the blood simply wasn't circulating there properly. She would have to start walking again; that usually helped. She did so, making her way round the banks of the lake as she had done on many other occasions when she felt upset, lonely or worse. Some quiet time to herself would do her good, although she had probably spent a bit too much time coming here recently. She just didn't want to talk to everyone all the time. It would be all right if she could just talk to Nokomis, and Sadie. And other close friends. But that wasn't really possible. Time to herself was good, she told herself firmly, but she would have to stop doing this every weekend morning. The mornings were getting colder and later, and she was getting busier with work. But what was good about the solitude out here was that she wasn't being reminded of much. People weren't reminding her about what had happened all the time and neither did the place remind her. But she needed to have something to focus on now; something good. Ivy stared solemnly at the surface of the lake as the giant squid rose majestically not so far off, sinking again just as slowly and lazily, before turning round and starting back to the castle, her cold hands unfurling again, still not warmed. Hogwarts wasn't really as safe as she would like to imagine it, and she knew that. It kept her worried. Ignorant of her surroundings, wrapped up in her own thoughts, Ivy headed towards the main doors of the castle, her chin jutting out resolutely as she found herself a purpose for the day, unaware that anyone else was outside at this early hour.

[kris]

Kris was frustrated. He missed the grounds, sunrses and sunsets he had so often been observing, the chilly wind and the seemingly endless pouring rain. The creatures of the Forbidden Forest and the voices of the night on the Grounds. He had been deprived of so much. Half of his world had just been ripped from him without nothing given for his eye-sight. And Kris raged and ranted. Nothing helped however.
Raising from the bed Kris dressed quickly. A pair of black silk-pants, a black shirt and a black jacket thrown carelessly over his shoulders. He had been laying awake for hours already, he wouldn’t get any sleep now either. Luckily Kris had never needed much sleep – 4-5 hours at night and he could go on again.
Picking up his cane Kris shifted his hand on his bed-side table. Finally feeling the cool cover of black glasses Kris put them on. His eyes weren’t the prettiest thing to look at now. And Kris had enough self-respect to hid them form the world. They were his wounds and he would suffer from not seeing in solitude.

With Morrigan jumping on his shoulders as he navigated the Hogwarts hallways Kris moved slowly but steadily towards the doors leading outside. Perhaps he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the grounds like he used to, but at the very least he could use some fresh air. Morrigan hissed and Kris stopped suddenly raising his cane that met the hard wood of Hogwarts doors. Finding the door handle, Kris pulled the doors open and stepped outside feelig the bit chilly air enveloping him. It was a bit humid as Kris breathed in deeply not even jumping when the doors crashed closed with a loud bang behind him. Kris took a step forward only to run into someone. Or have someone run into him. A swear-word slipped form Kris’s lips as his hands rose to grab whoever he had collided with. Making an awkward step Kris managed to stay in balance somehow while keeping the girl upright as well.
Letting go of the girls shoulders Kris sneered. Letting his walking cane drop back to earth so he was holding form the thestral’s head not the wood of the cane Kris didn’t feel very friendly. So much for a nice morning spent outside alone.

„Who do you think you are, that you don’t have to look where you’re walking? I would rather not have my clothes ruined by the likes of you,“ Kris sneered at the younger girl. She had figured it was a girl when they collided. She was relatively tall, but still Kris supposed that she was a younger year. Perhaps it was her build but for some reason Kris thought for the girl to be a bit younger than him. Or perhaps it was mere arrogance. A quick evaluation told Kris that it was much more probable that it was some mudblood or an other house as well. Besides younger Slytherin girls either would greet him happily or stay out of his way. There wasn’t any other option.

[Ivy Tunstall]

The first thing Ivy knew of the presence of anyone else outside was the sound of the front doors of the castle closing. As she looked up whoever it was strode into her and knocked them both off balance. Ivy stared offhandedly at the ground, half hidden by the mist, and wondered how long it would take for her to land there and whether it would hurt much. Her reflexes didn't seem to be working much today, but apparently the other person's were - including their verbal ones (judging by the rough swear word issued that Ivy didn't think was really particularly necessary) - as he somehow managed to keep both of them balanced, grabbing hold of her shoulders rather roughly in the process. Ivy looked up at the boy, who she quickly concluded was older than her - especially since he had a couple of inches on her - and wearing dark sunglasses that partially obscured her view of his facial expression, which was a shame, because she liked to try to make eye contact.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly, truly meaning it. She hadn't intended to intrude upon anyone else's privacy this morning, when it was what she had come out here for herself. "I didn't really see you coming or I'd've minded out of the way. I'm so sorry. Thanks for..." Ivy stopped suddenly as the older boy started to sneer some potentially rather hurtful words at her (and being Ivy she took some of them to heart) and gave off a completely unfriendly appearance. She bit her lip and realised that he was most likely a Slytherin. He didn't seem very happy to have run into her either. Well, she wasn't exactly delighted - it had given her a large shock. But he did make her feel rather intimidated.
"I'm Ivy Tunstall," she said softly, answering his question at any rate. "I'm sorry, we should both have been watching..." Ivy broke off again as a thought occurred to her, suggested by the dark sunglasses, the cat on the boy's shoulder and the fact that he wasn't really wearing school uniform. She made the connection with the fact a Slytherin had been hurt in the attack which she had passed over fairly quickly before, despite the fact that no one had had the right to do that to him either, as he had lost so little whereas Laura had lost so much and hurriedly rephrased her statement - "paying attention to where we were going. I'm sorry but..." here Ivy paused again, gathering the courage to say the last part and willing herself to have more discretion, "but I have no intention of ruining your clothes."

[kris]

Morrigan sitting on Kris’s shoudler seemed more irritated about the run-in that Kris was. Kris was more disturbed that he hadn’t had the change to be alone, to ’lick his wounds’ in solitude. Morrigan was raging in fury on his shoulder because her sitting podium had been shaken for a moment. Raising his hand Kris pushed the kitten to lay on his shoulder and held her still until Morrigan finally withraw her claws from inside of Kris’s shoulder. Kris sometimes wondered if it was a stroke of luck or a bad twist of fate that had landed him with Morrigan. She was almost irreplaceable on his shoulders - and Kris had made sure there were a few charms protecting the kitten from bodily hurt as much as possible. Nothing was fool-proof however. Yet sometimes the kitten seemed to think too highly of herself and tried to discipline Kris himself. Fairly amusing really, even with the trifle of irritation it caused in Kris.

Kris listened to the girls words rather carelessly. Being faintly amused as she started to apologize before suddenly clamping her mouth shut upon obviously understanding the fact that Kris was a Slytherin. Kris arched an eye-brow as the girl stuttered with words some more obviously noticing that he was blind in the middle of her sentence.
„What do you know, and most people think Slytherins are prejudiced. I think we just saw living proof that Hufflepuff isn’t any better,“ Kris drawled out with sarcasm. Had Kris been in any other house the girl would have surely finished the apologzy. Not that Kris cared one way or an other. But it had been easy to irritate him lately and he hadn’t came out here in the best moods anyway. And actually Slytherins were a bit prejudiced, but then again – they treated the rest of the school like the rest of the school treated them. There were a few people – from Ravenclaw from example – that got along with Slytherins. But that was only because of the mutual respectful treating.

„Now, you can’t very well be expecting me to know what’s happening on the grounds. Especially if I had just exited the castle, can you?“ Kris asked with irony clearly sounding from his voice, „And I do NOT make a habit of keeping count as to where younger Hufflepuffs are.“ Making the connection between the Tunstall name and hufflepuff wasn’t that hard. The players of quidditch teams were called out before every game after all. Kris always had had a good memory so he could name all of the quidditch players for all houses, even though he wasn’t obsessed with the game. Well, he had been one of the keepers for Slytherin, but not a very active player.
„So now that you have failed to apologize after practically attacking me, tried to insult me and tried to rub in my loss of eye-sight... could you perhaps step out of my way so I could actually do something more useful with the rest of the morning than being the person who has to listen to the feeble insults of a practicing teletubby?“ Kris asked with cuttingly sweet voice as one of his eye-brows rose while his head was turned straight forward, whether or not the Hufflepuff was standing that way.

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy listened to the older boy's words carefully. Maybe she shouldn't listen, so that what she didn't hear couldn't hurt her, but somehow she just felt compelled to pay attention to what he was saying. The words stung though; she knew he probably wouldn't listen if - when - she did reply. She hated that feeling of helplessness, being treated as though what she had to say was worth nothing. She tried not to make eye contact with the deceptively cute kitten on the Slytherin's shoulder. It wasn't particularly adorable while hissing. Ivy was slightly timid when it came to animals, and while she was used to cats - Nokomis had one with her at school, as did Ashley and Laura had had a kitten too - she didn't fancy her chances with this particular devil in feline form. So she wasn't about to provoke it further. She hoped the Slytherin wouldn't be too much of a different matter either, though he had just accused her of being a 'practising telytubby'. She couldn’t not say anything about that – it was to do with Hufflepuff and not her.

Ivy waited until the boy had finished speaking before answering. "I am prejudiced," she acknowledged. "But not without foundation." She watched him for a second, wondering whether she should just go now. But she had to say what she needed to. The consequences could hardly be any worse than what had happened to this Slytherin. She didn't exactly want him to respect her; not even to understand her. What she did want was a chance to explain herself as well as she could. He could easily go round her. She wasn't keeping him here, but yet she would stand her ground until she'd said what it was important to her to say. "Anyone would receive an apology from me if I was at fault in walking into them because I wasn't looking where I was going," she said, taking a large gulp of air, "and you're mistaken in thinking you didn't. I gave you my full apology - because I am sorry I bumped into you. I didn't complete my thanks for stopping my falling, since such sentiments would obviously be so disgusting to you coming from a person such as myself." Ivy stared at the worn steps she was standing on; her hands clasped, fingers playing nervously. He'd accused her of attacking him... insulting him and being a telytubby. What to say to such allegations? She wasn't sure, and so in the end settled for a mild reply. "You give me credit for evils I hadn't until now solicited," she said, the words coming out rather quiet but still not too much mumbled. "I don't think teletubbys are capable of attacking others, but to 'rub in your loss of eyesight' is far from my intentions and I'm sorry if you consider me to have done so. You're not the only one who's lost something."

[kris]

Kris smirked lazily as the girl agreed that she was prejudiced. While in ways it was respectable that the girl admitted her personality mistakes – a lot of people didn’t – her words hadn’t really talked her out of it. “Prejudiced on what foundation? Perhaps you have met a Slytherin who didn’t like you and showed it but you don’t have prejudices not only against that person, but against the whole Slytherin house,” Kris drawled out lazily with his right hand resting easily on the black ebony cane he had leaned on the ground as he listened to the girls words. She obviously wasn’t fond of Slytherins yet she tried to make herself be heard. Kris absent-mindedly wondered why as he listened to her rant with only some part of his mind as the rest was rather analyzing the feather. It might have been a good flying weather today, if Kris had still been able to fly. Well, he could still control the broom, but it was rather the directions and orientation that would be problematic for him.

Kris smirked hearing the girl take a gulp of air as Kris turned to the left and finding his way with the walk-cane walked around the girl and descended some steps before he caught the last words of the girl. Arching an eye-brow Kris took one more step downwards so that he was now standing on the ground before he turned so that his was side-ways to Tunstall while he turned his head in her direction. “And who of us is not with sin?” Kris quoted back at her calmly before reciting Jules Feiffer as well, “Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? You just admit yourself that you weren’t watching where you were going and therefore ran into me. It’s all a matter of how you understand it. Not watching where you’re going – so, you get a lighter punishment, because you didn’t set out to run into me. Yet you ran into me – that can be taken as a physical assault. Ergo – you had solicited the 'evils' as you put it that I credited you for.”
Kris’ lip-corner twitched with some amusement for a second thought the movement in his facial features was barely noticeable. The Hufflepuff had met with him while he was in a relatively good mood. Otherwise Kris would have never really even bothered to keep this small conversation up.
“And I assure you that if not anything else, then teletubbies are fully able to attack any still sane mind, even though the sun was charming in it’s own way,” Kris mused more to himself recalling the muggle show he had been forced to watch on a few occasions during plane-flights, “And who hasn’t lost something? What did you do? Lost your lucky coin in the lake? Weren’t able to find your teddy under your bed?”

[Ivy Tunstall]

His smirks were very disconcerting. And what was he smirking at? It was almost as though he was taking pleasure in her discomfort. Ivy bit her lip. 'A Slytherin who didn't like her'? Well, she wasn't sure who that hatred had been properly directed towards, even if the outlet of cruelty had been her, but he hadn't done any of that sort of thing. He hadn't hexed her simply for exisiting. Though she wasn't entirely sure what he meant by 'a light punishment'. Those words made her slightly apprehensive, and she tensed slightly as she looked at him. He wasn't doing anything to her. He was toying with her as a cat would a mouse - but only verbally. Words were what hurt the most though. They were what stuck around in your mind. Whoever had said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me' had evidently lived in ignorant bliss.

"No, you're not that person, not like them; everyone's different." she said quietly, almost to herself. "But I wouldn't trust you." She regretted having said those words. They hadn't said what she was attempting to communicate. But he was walking down, away, into the mist. She could barely see him. Yet he still appeared to be listening; he was still speaking to her. She couldn't make him out at all. But perhaps she shouldn't try. He made her uneasy enough as it was.
"Guilty of assault or not, I hadn't solicited it," she said in a fairly flat tone, wondering slightly to herself why she was still arguing. She could just have gone by now. Yet quiet and unassuming as she might be, Ivy would persevere until she'd had understood everything she wanted. Unwise as that might have been in this situation. "I didn't think about it and it wasn't premeditated - so I didn't solicit them." She glanced at him nervously, not at all sure what to make of his comment about telytubbys. A sane mind? She doubted any mind was still fully sane - it was necessary to be slightly insane to maintain one's sanity. Telytubbys hadn't really made much of an impact on the Ashton's childhood - the boys were so active and Ivy tended to do creative things and cooking with Livi and the very youngest ones. But she hadn't been too impressed with what she'd seen.

Ivy didn't comment on it though as her expression became completely serious and her eyes a little fiery at his slightly mocking questions. She let out a heavy breath and stared forward into the mist. "No." she said simply. "The Death Eaters didn't just hurt you. They killed one of my friends." She shook her head, her heart burning painfully as she sighed to try to disperse the pain. "I can't say I know what being blind is like," she said slightly bitterly, "but you're luckier than Laura at any rate." She shook her head again and started to walk slowly back up the steps towards the castle, wondering why exactly all her anger had suddenly been directed against him. It wasn't his fault. The Death Eaters had hurt him too. He was just another victim. But one that had lived.

[kris]

The girls words – even if Kris wasn’t entirely sure whether or not they had been meant for him – showed clearly that some Slytherin had left quite an impact on her. Kris idly wondered who, but knew that he would most likely never know. It didn’t take much for a Slytherin to hex a member of an other house. Muggleborns, pureblood traitors – if a Slytherin was in a bad mood, then the ones who paid the price for it were people from those groups or people who just got into their way. Had he himself been irritated or furious then without any explanations or questions he would have hexed the Tunstall girl just as easily a moment after their paths collided. Kris smirked with amusement when the girl said that she wouldn’t trust him. “And you are right not to trust me,” Kris agreed with the simple fact knowing that most likely he wouldn’t move a finger to help the Hufflepuff girl should she be in some trouble. Well naturally it would depend on the extent of trouble and whether or not it would influence, but most likely Kris wouldn’t bother himself.

Kris took a step towards the general direction of the Hufflepuff girl and tilted his head being rather amused at the girl’s guts to try to argue with his point. “In Fyodor Dostojevskys’ “Crime and Punishement” Raskolnivkov didn’t go to the pawnbroker with the plan to murder her. Yet in the end he killed the woman. He had not premeditated about the crime, but was the crime any less because of it? The damage was done. If you have even read such a world classic to know what I’m speaking about,” Kris added lazily as an after-thought. Not too many people spent time reading classic books and thereby widening their mental world and Kris didn’t have a clue what the case was about the Hufflepuff girl.

Kris heard the sadness and anger and fear and mourning in Tunstall’s tone of voice as she spoke. She had lost a friend at the train. The death of someone you knew was always hard to handle. It made you angry at the world at people who had been near – why hadn’t they helped? – and it made you angry at yourself for being unable to change the course of time. Laura Pennington. Kris had had a couple of run-ins with the girl early in the mornings. She had liked to draw as Kris knew and he had seen one or two of her drawings of animals when she had dropped them. She hadn’t been bad at all. And now he had an run-in with her mourning friend. “And you’d rather that I had died in her place,” Kris stated simply understanding the unsaid sentiment as at a different occasion he had felt the same. The knowledge didn’t hurt him the least. He didn’t care for Ivy and therefore her opinion had no power over Kris. But he understood what she must have felt like.

Kris stood silent for a little bit of time trying to decide on his actions or words before slowly opening his mouth: “There are worse things than death. The veil between this world and the next on is rather thin. Ghosts are living – or rather undead – proof of this.” Kris raised his hand to his neck and grabbing hold of the small wooden figurine pulled the leather strip it was hanging on away from around his neck. It had been given to him once by a mentor when he had spent a summer in America, staying with the natives of the country – Indians. It was a simple figure carved some evening – a soaring dove with a lily held in it’s beak. Dove symbolized spirituality, a soul reaching peace. Lily was called the virgin’s flower, the symbol of light, purity, mercy and innocence. Maybe Kris’s mentor would have explained the symbolic meaning of the figure in other words, but the main point stayed the same. A soul finding peace on it’s journey, whether the journey took place in this world or the next.
“Maybe Laura didn’t find light after death, but she found peace. Isn’t that worth something?” Kris asked quietly tossing the small carving to Ivy wondering if the girl would know the meaning of a dove and a lily. Maybe the girl would even just leave it laying on the ground carelessly, but Kris had felt as if giving the carving to her would be right. Maybe the girl would find some comfort. Without waiting for an answer Kris turned and left quickly letting himself be swallowed by the mist as Morrigan led him towards the Hogwarts lake. He would leave the girl to find her own way how to deal with the injustices of the world.

[Ivy Tunstall]

Ivy stopped her slow and and slightly uncertain ascent towards the castle when she heard the older boy speak to her. He evidently wasn't quite finished yet. But she would hear whatever it was he insisted upon saying. Ivy turned back towards him as he took a step nearer to her. She could see him again now; still not entirely clearly perhaps, but the mist was no longer hiding him. Ivy trained her gaze on him, a gaze full of bitter but restrained resentment and sorrow, but remained silent silent at his continuing argument. Somehow it had ceased to matter anymore. She didn't know what was the worst thing about a crime, but the knowledge wouldn't bring Laura back. The Death Eater had known what they were doing, and they'd been fully able to do it without thinking. But she wasn't sure whether that was the worst thing about the matter.

She nodded at what he'd just stated. It was only too true. But of course he wouldn't be able to see that gesture, would he? The Death Eaters had taken that ability from him. "Yes," she said simply. Should she be ashamed of the sentiment? She wasn't sure, but it was just the way she felt. She couldn't do anything about it. The truth just existed. She stared at him for a moment. He'd taken his time in selecting his last words. She opened her mouth but no words could come out that would express the entire spectrum of feelings her heart was harbouring at that moment in time, so the only thing that lingered in the mist around them was silence. Ivy closed her mouth again and looked up sharply as she saw the Slytherin throwing something towards her. As a Chaser she was practised at catching things, but she only had to move a little way to the right to do so. He evidently had a good idea where she was. Ivy looked at the thing he'd thrown her for a moment before glancing back to the boy. But he had gone.

Ivy watched the swirling mist move around the carved figure as she ran one finger over the wood to feel the grooves where it had been carved. She was no expert in symbolism, but a dove was peace. Flying into peace. Ivy stared once more into the mist he'd disappeared into before making her way back inside the castle. She kept on going until she had reached the fourth year girls' dormitory Laura no longer shared with them. The space where her bed should have been was still in the room. The gap couldn't be filled up, not by anything. A table remained there and Ivy placed the wooden carving on it before walking over to the window where the normal view outside was still obscured by the mist. She stared outside at this world that from afar hid so many secrets. And the sun.