Bittersweet ((Charles))

[Professor Julius Foxcroft]

It was a beautiful view. It was, however, a very awkward moment and Julius only registered that at the back of his mind, but he did register it because he knew Beth would have loved it and that was where she had stayed and never left since she'd gone away – at the back of his mind, there and not there in his thoughts at the same time, close to his heart and yet so far away from his reach. It was at moments like this when he missed her most, because he knew how much she would have loved the view and probably yearned to paint it, how much it more it would have meant to him had she been here by his side teaching him to appreciate the beauty in the smallest and everyday things. Always an introverted career-driven person Julius had never really stopped and done just that, he'd never really laid back and relaxed; he'd been too busy trying to make his way in the world. But Beth had known how to work hard and play hard, and often how to do both at the same time, and she'd always accused him of never knowing when and how to enjoy life. He could still remember that playful look in her eyes. He'd often wondered what had attracted her to him and why she loved him, for in his heart he'd always felt she was too good for him and he'd always had a fear of losing her. She'd brought a balance to his life that had never been there and would never be there now she was gone – he hadn’t known how to maintain it without her.

But it was easier to think of Beth now. Julius knew he would have to speak first. It was he after all who had arranged this meeting, and it was he who was part of the reason Charles had been put through unnecessary pain and embarrassment. But now was not the time to see who was to blame – they had so much to talk about. He avoided Charles eyes, something he'd never done with a student before, but then this was a situation he had never imagined. He actually felt like he'd let down the boy and Julius hated letting people down – but he'd had his own troubles to deal with over the summer, and he'd never forgotten Charles, never forgotten all he'd been through last year and how he'd turned to him for help and had always expressed his gratitude and appreciation whenever Julius did the smallest thing for him. "I'm sorry about what you went through yesterday. You weren't the only one though, that does happen, and it doesn’t mean you’re a coward or anything of the sort Driscoll," he said, making a point to look at the boy in the eyes even though he wasn't too sure of what he might see there. Reproach maybe? Or worse, disappointment?

[Charles Driscoll H7]

Charles was wondering why he never had his camera when he most wanted it. But it was only for a few seconds that he did so, but then the view from the bridge was so beautiful it was enough to distract anyone, even from the tension Charles felt between him and his teacher as he waited for him to start talking. After they had exchanged greetings they'd both stared into the distance, Charles because he wasn't the one who had requested the meeting in the first place. The professor hadn’t really looked at him when he'd arrived and Charles was surprised because he could tell from the way Julius was avoiding his eyes that he was going through some kind of internal struggle. And the professor had never been one to show any kind of emotion, in all the time he'd known him, and Charles pondered on that for a few moments then the Professor turned to him, still not looking directly at him. He leaned against the banister and spoke immediately after the Professor finished. It was true he'd already spoken about this with Ivy, but it still wasn't easy to say it again, yet he felt the professor might understand him better as he was older and also because there was no past history between him and Samantha as there had been her and Ivy.

"I know now that's my worst fear. I mean I obviously knew then – the thing is professor, I've been so scared of this ever since she came back to school. I was so glad when they said she didn’t have to repeat the sixth year even though she'd missed the final exams – they said she'd done well throughout the year and that she was ready for the seventh year. I thought she wasn't going to get that chance, that she would have to serve her sentence at Azkaban for three years, but then they let her out and it seemed as if life would just go on and this was a pleasant surprise because she wouldn’t feel like she'd missed a year which would have destroyed whatever was left of her I think. I mean, I knew we'd have our problems and everything but I though we'd help each other and she'd need me now thought my father's in Azkaban for life and my mother's dead. I'm so afraid Samantha will choose the same way out," said Charles, his voice breaking.

Charles looked up and saw that Julius was looking right at him. He looked back at him, and everything he felt and wanted to say was there for Julius, the emotions clear as the sky above them. "I never cared about Mother and Father. I can't even think of them now without hating them, not because of what they did to me, but because of what they did to Sam, because even though now they're gone they can still hurt her. And I never stopped caring about her, because I owe her that I didn’t turn out to be like her or them, and I can’t ever forget her. And she insists on shutting me out Professor, and I just don’t know what I should do anymore," he said. He wanted Julius' advice, but then they'd drifted apart during the summer, and Charles had felt Julius already had done so much for him.

[Professor Julius Foxcroft]

Julius felt the boy's pain and admired his wish to help Samantha. But he understood where the girl was coming from and felt he knew maybe why she wasn't letting Charles do what he could to help her. "Sometimes people are so hurt, so mad at the world, Driscoll, that they just feel they need to distance themselves from everything and everyone because they're afraid of being hurt more. They hate the fact that they're vulnerable, or that they were vulnerable and that they could be hurt so much and they think the best solution is to shut out everything that could cause them further pain. And they don’t want other people judging them for it, they don’t want other people telling them they understand what it's like or that they understand their grief because they know they don’t, they couldn’t possibly because they haven’t been through the same thing. And most of all they want to fend for themselves, prove to themselves they can still stand up and go about their lives as normal, and that they can do it on their own. And with your sister – from what I understand at least – she really does blame herself for a lot of what's going on and I expect she doesn’t want to have to deal with your reaction because she's too scared you'll blame or judge her and she just has too much on her plate at the minute," said Julius. This conversation was making him feel very strange – he felt like he wished he was having it and not having at the same time.

It was comforting and even liberating to some extent to explain something he understood so well because he'd had the same feelings of wanting to push everyone away even though the circumstances had been very different and also he didn’t feel guilt for had happened as he'd had no hand in it, but at the same time it was getting the truth out in the open, explaining feelings to someone he'd never thought he would, it was making it painfully clear to his own self that shutting the world away was not a solution to your problems. He looked at Charles and felt a surge of emotion inside him, wondering why such a wonderful boy should have such cruel parents.

[Charles Driscoll H7]

It was the first time Charles had seen real feelings in Julius' eyes. It was true that Julius had helped him a lot in the past year yet he'd never once dropped his gruff exterior, never once talked to Charles about himself or anything else except Charles' own problems. And Charles could see it now in Julius' own eyes that there was a story behind the man's wish to hide inside himself, to be so detached, and that maybe, just maybe, the little boy standing before him was going to be the one he explained to what the reason was for the way he acted. One thing was apparent more than that, something Charles realised he'd known all along but because of the way Julius could be so distant he hadn't really felt that much till now - Julius cared.

"Professor, she saved my life! How and why does she expect I could possibly blame her? I don’t care about the family scandal! What was in the papers meant next to nothing to me, it was as if they spoke of people I never knew or lived with, not my immediate family," Charles explained, his voice hurt. He stopped a moment and considered the point, the truth of the matter beginning to dawn on him. "But I reckon they were important to Samantha – family appearances and solidarity meant so much to her – and I think she never saw how much they were ruining her life. I reckon she thought I would feel disgraced by what she'd done," he said quietly. Charles remembered what the Professor had said before that. "Is that what you do Professor?" Charles didn’t stop to think the question was too personal. It had just suddenly became to clear to him and he needed to know if it was true, because he'd always s felt that Julius had kept a part of him shielded from the rest of the world and even when he'd supported Charles it had been because Charles had asked for help; he'd always been the one to take the first step. He felt genuine concern for Julius, and he believed there was more to the man than met the eye.

[Professor Julius Foxcroft]

Julius was glad to see the boy was feeling less frustrated and seeing things from the point of view of his sister. His eyes clouded over though when Charles asked him his question. "What did you just ask me, Charles?" He was almost tempted to snap at him, and then he saw that in Charles eyes there was no curiosity but only genuine concern. He'd already said so much and Julius felt that he could tell Charles this; it was high time he told someone anyway. And it wasn't like he had many friends or any family members he could talk to, and yet here was someone who'd bothered to ask, who'd been through quite a lot of himself, and who looked as he wanted to listen – and most importantly - not judge him.

"I once loved a very beautiful young lady. Spirited, funny, vivacious, like a wild rose, she was. We had so many dreams – oh, goodness – everything seemed so easy and wonderful and I couldn’t wait for our life together to start, to share everything with her, to do the most mundane things you could ever imagine because Beth – well – she would just make them seem so much more interesting. And then she died - in a car accident – and she was suddenly out of my life, just as suddenly as she's entered it, and I wasn't with her Driscoll, and I hated the way everything ended then, the emptiness and the way the world just went on as if Beth's death was something acceptable," he said. But it was, even though it was taking him so long to accept it himself. As he looked at Charles he remembered something that brought a smile to his face. "She loved to paint, you know, and was always talking about what she would paint next. Some of your photographs remind me of her style, I think she'd have liked them," said Julius, remembering Charles' photos of Wenig Zug.

[Charles Driscoll H7]

"She died, Professor Foxcroft, you didn't," said Charles gently, placing his hand on his arm. "I would love to love Samantha, Professor, if she'll let me. She always kept me a distance and I was asking if that's what you do with – well – pretty much everyone. I'd never have really known you if I hadn’t needed your help in the first place. And you should know by now Professor that I don't see you in the same light as I do my other professors. I'd rather be vulnerable than lose my ability to love or allow someone else to love me. I can’t pretend to understand your loss, but it was only one person who died in that accident, not two," Charles ended simply. "Tell me more about her," said Charles, interested to hear that her painting style reminded Julius of his style in taking photographs. He was flattered to hear Julius thought he had his own style, he hadn’t said much when he'd first seen Charles' photos, merely a polite thanks though there had been an odd look in his eyes now Charles came to think of it.

[Professor Julius Foxcroft]

He knew he didn’t die then, though he'd certainly wished he had at times. He really hoped the boy wasn't going to say the things he'd been sure everyone was going to say and so he'd just stopped listening whenever anyone tried to console him, but what he said about his sister made him listen. Julius found he did want to tell Charles about Beth. Why had he thought he couldn’t talk about her before? Her story should be told for she had been a wonderful person. Charles had told him his parents' story and it was a horrible one and in Julius' opinion it was one best forgotten and never mentioned. But Beth's story -

"She gave me a taste of what life could really be like. She was always telling me I taught her how to love and she taught me how to live," he said, smiling sadly at the memory. "She taught me both if you ask me," he said and felt his eyes watering. He hadn’t cried after she died, his grief had been beyond tears. It was something he hadn’t thought about much in the two years after Beth's death. All he'd thought about was that he hadn’t been there with her when she died, hadn't had a last chance to talk to her, even a last moment with her to tell her he loved her one last time. But she must have known it, for he'd never doubted once that she loved him although he'd always wondered why. He finally knew what the meaning of the word bittersweet was. All he'd been able to see had been the bitterness, it was all he'd felt, and it had absorbed all the sweetness out of the memories, preventing him from enjoying the reminiscence of the year he'd had with her, although know he found he was reflecting on it with happiness, certainly it was tinged with a little sadness, but it was the first time he'd looked back without the bitterness completely taking away the sweetness.

[Charles Driscoll H7]

"She sounds wonderful Professor, and I think I know what you saw in her. I think I know what she saw in you," said Charles, blushing but smiling, and it was true. Charles felt his knowing someone like Julius made up for his having had to know people like his parents, but like Samantha, Julius needed to let people in to get to really know him. "Thank you Professor," said Charles. And without thinking for a moment, the same way he'd done it when they were in the train and Charles was wondering whether his sister's life had just ended and if his had too, Charles hugged Julius, his arms barely reaching to the teachers shoulders.

[Professor Julius Foxcroft]

"No," said Julius, patting Charles' head. "Thank you," he said. For listening, for reminding me of those times, for making me live those good memories again. For letting me think of her without resentment, think of her only with love. Julius missed her, but he was letting that feeling flood him as he hugged the boy, the feeling that he missed her, not the anger or resentment because she'd gone. At least he'd had a year with her and felt what it was to love and be loved, which was what young Charles wanted, albeit a different kind of love. And for the first time in a long time, Julius felt the same way.