I Miss You Already (Jilli)

[payton]

The welcoming feast was as amazing as ever, and it hit Payton as he finished his meal that it would be his last welcoming feast. It was strange to think about, it had happened ever fall for seven years now, and he knew there would be a gap in his September with out it. It was strange how traditions became something that meant so much to a person. As he pushed his plate back from the table he looked across to where Dillion was sitting, food having been spread everywhere from his place to the table to his clothes. Dill always did get excited about the welcoming feast. He glanced over to beside Dillion where Jordan sat, and he smiled slightly. He still hoped that one of these days Dillion would see what was right there, just waiting for him to realize it. As the thought crossed his mind, he remembered saying that exact phrase to Jilli the first time they had met. A smiled crossed his face and he looked across the great hall to see if he could see her at her own house’s table. He thought for a moment he had caught a glimpse of her, but he decided it was wishful thinking. She was lost in the sea of students. It was strange not to have dinner with her, and not to have his room just down the hall from her. Ever since he moved into the flat, Jill was the first thing he saw in the morning and the last thing he saw at night. She was part of life now, and he couldn’t even being to imagine what it would be life to spend most of the next few months away from her.

As dinner ended and the crowd in the great hall began to make their way out so they could head off to their house rooms. He was with Dillion and Jordan who were chatting about something he wasn’t listening to. His mind was still on Jilli, and the unsteady thought of the space the semester would put between them. It was almost funny to think that this time last year he hadn’t even known she existed, and somehow over the past months she had become to mean more to him than he ever thought someone could be again. A lot of it he credited to the attacks before school had started, and the fact they had hurt him deeper than he had though, and Jilli had been the one to finally put him through that. She made him feel like himself again, and she made him think about the future and Italy again. He found himself glancing around again, trying to spot her. He couldn’t just walk out and head off to the Hufflepuff rooms, not with out seeing her and talking to her. Sure, they had been together on the train, and rode the carriages back together, but somehow that no longer seemed like enough. Then they had slipped over to their separate sides of the great halls with a few simple words that amounted to ‘I’ll talk to you later.’ Only now he didn’t know when that later would be. Classes, yes they would probably have at least some classes together, but other than that it was a guessing game that made his stomach tense like it hadn’t done in some time.

The tension in his stomach grew and it somehow seemed to mess with his thinking. Finally, he mumbled something to Dillion about catching up with them later, and stepped off to the side. He leaned up against the wall near the doorframe, out of the path of the exiting students, but just barely. His gaze was focused on the crowd as they filed out of the Great Hall, searching for Jill. He was determined to see her before he headed off to his room, even if it meant standing here until the last student left the room. Thankfully though, it didn’t take that long, and he caught glimpse of her. “Tesoro!” he called out in Italian, having called her by the pet name for the majority of the summer. Jilli had almost made life even easier on him, as she traveled to the side of the group, near the edge where he was standing. Almost out of reflex he reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her off to the side with him. Somehow just seeing her unknotted his stomach and he gave her a wide easy smile as if he hadn’t been bothered. “We haven’t been more than a wall a way over night since I moved in. I think I miss you already.”

[jillian]

She had to fight the urge to cry, the urge to let the tears fall down her face and land in rhythmic patterns on the table underneath her. Maybe it was the idea that this was her last year at Hogwarts, or maybe it was because she knew that after this year – Payton would probably be going off to Italy and she would be stuck in dreary old London without him, or possibly it could be that she didn’t know what was going to happen through out the year. She wasn’t sure; but Jill had to fight the urge to cry during the sorting ceremony and she hardly ate any of her meal. Her stomach was being too uncooperative for her to eat completely any of her meals. There was just something inside her that made her feel like she was going to be sick, and she didn’t like it. This was why she hadn’t any close friends besides Joann, when losing them – or growing away from them, there would be no pain; no hurt. Not that her and Payton were growing apart, but this year would prove difficult for her – not having him just down the hall, or seeing him in the morning. What was it going to be like? Jill sighed and twirled a piece of her brown hair around her index finger with her left hand as she pushed her food around on her plate with her fork in her right hand. No one really cared if she ate or not, so there wasn’t any pestering from her ‘friends’ that didn’t exist – which Jill was quite thankful for.

When the ceremony was over, Jill stood from her bench and ran her fingers through her hair – tucking some strands behind her ear. She took a quick drink of her juice and then picked up a roll which would be her dinner for that night. She waited until most of the students who were in large groups were out of the Great Hall and then made her way to the doors. She was dreading going up to the common rooms, more than she had ever dreaded anything in the world – and she wasn’t quite sure why. The summer had been good to her; it had made her happier than she had ever been before. And Jill knew it was mainly because of Payton and the fact that he was living with her. Doesn’t matter now, does it Jill? You’re at Hogwarts, he’s at Hogwarts – you’re a Gryff, he’s a Hufflepuff. It won’t be like over the summer at all, so buck up and live with it. Jill shook her head as if that would get rid of the thoughts, of course it didn’t. She sighed and started to turn a corner when someone bumped into her and sent her back a few paces. Aggravated, Jill stayed there a moment and then continued on, only to hear someone call ‘tesoro!’ and pull her out of the crowd. Of course, the person was Payton.

As he spoke, Jill’s smile grew and grew and as if it were the most natural thing in the world – she put her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. She didn’t want to go to a different Common Room as him. She didn’t want to be in a different house. It wasn’t enough that they would see each other during classes and in between and on Hogsmeade weekends. It wasn’t enough. She couldn’t go from seeing him every morning and night to seeing him at only certain moments of the day. Jill closed her eyes and breathed in before releasing and opening her eyes again. “I can’t stand the thought of not seeing you every morning. It’s going to be pure torture all year… and then after…” Jill trailed off, determined not to talk about him going to Italy after ward.

[payton]

Jill's arms flung around him and his own arms wrapped around her waist. He hadn't though before if she had been thinking about the same things he had, but her hug confirmed that she had been. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with starting school again or being in separate houses, it was just that since summer they had been together so much, it was a comfortable habit he wasn't ready to give up and now he had to. After a long moment her hold released, but Payton let his arm's rest casually on her waist as he gave her another easy smile. She had been thinking what he had, all the little moments that would be gone now. After another moment he lifted a hand and brushed some hair out of her face that had fallen forward when she hugged him. "We will just have to meet in the mornings for breakfast, it will be just like home, only I wont be the one cooking." He knew it wouldn't be like home, but it was the best he could do, so he figured he might as well try to be happy with it. They could probably manage breakfast and lunch together, the other meals were far to organized and everyone separated into their house tables. They could go to the lounge instead of their common rooms to do their work and meet up there, and they would have some classes together, and their weekends. With planning they could probably spend more time together at school than they did at home. The catch was that it would involve planning. At home it was easy to just be with her.

He let out a deep breath, his hand going back to rest on Jilli's waist. "After this year, we will graduate, and go back to the flat for summer and we wont worry about life after that." He sent her another easy smile, something he had become very good at no matter what the situation. He knew what she was hinting at, she was after all well about of his plans to move it Italy after he graduated. He hadn't exactly told her that he planned on sticking around for the summer, after all he had originally intended to take off the moment the ink on his Hogwart's diploma was dry, but it made sense to stick around. He could work for another summer, giving him a bit more money to get started with, and he could have a break between ending his old life and starting his new. Besides, it meant he would have a few more months with Jilli.

[jillian]

Jill shook her head almost too vigorously, “No it won’t!” She protested, almost in a whiny voice. But she quickly caught her attitude and sighed, “It won’t be like home at all. Especially if you won’t be cooking,” she smiled slightly and shook her head again. She knew he was just trying to make her see the brighter side of being at Hogwarts – even if it was almost non-existent, but Jill couldn’t be happy about the fact that she would not see Payton every night before she went to sleep and every morning when she woke up. It was just something she had grown accustomed to, something she loved, and now it was being taken away from her. When he finished her ‘after’ phrase – Jill looked up at him, “You aren’t going to leave for Italy as soon as you are able to leave the train?” She asked. That was the intention she had gotten from whenever they spoke about it. Maybe things change, though. No. Not things like this. Maybe they did, though. Maybe Payton was right – maybe some change was good change. Jill sighed and looked down at the floor.

“It’s hard not to worry about after we graduate. Really, really hard. I don’t want you to go to Italy. I do, but I don’t want you to leave. I want you to go so you can do your whole cooking thing – but it’s come to the point where I need you to be part of my daily routine or I’ll go insane. And I know that’s bad and I shouldn’t depend on you to make my day that much brighter, but I do…” Jill trailed off again, thinking maybe she said a bit too much even though she meant every word she said. Payton had become this huge part of her life – and not in any other than as a friend, or at least she thought it wasn’t any other way. Jill needed him there, he made her forget all the cynical things she used to believe. He was changing her. And not for the bad. For the good. So, again, maybe change could be good.

[payton]

He couldn't help but smile at Jill's whining protest. He remembered a day when Jill wouldn't have had any thought about a change that involved seeing less of a person. A year ago Jill didn't let herself get attacked to anyone, and here she was upset over the fact that they wouldn't be sharing a flat for the next few months. He expected himself to be saddened by the idea of leaving the comfort of their life. He liked being with her so often, and he liked all the little things that no one really picked up on. He liked waking Jilli up in the morning to tell her goodbye, and he liked having her test out all his recipes. He liked convincing her to go out to clubs with him, and he liked ordering in takeout, and he liked falling asleep on the couch when they tried to stay up late and watch movies. He knew he didn't want to give all that up once it became a regular part of his life, he he wasn't expecting Jill to be at least as upset as he was.

He pulled himself away from his own thoughts and listened to Jill for a moment before leaning forward and placing a kiss on her forehead. "Well, I figure why worry about the future, there's enough to worry about happening in the present. And yeah...I figured sticking around for the summer would be a good thing, I can get a bit more money to go to Italy with. Just leave in the fall....There are a lot of apprenticeship openings later in the year because of the tourist increase too, so its a win win." He smiled at her, letting one of his hands move from her waist to clasp around one of her own. "Besides, I like you depending on me, and if I leave right after Hogwarts you might forget that you need me, after living with out me the next door down for the whole school year and I can't let that happen." He smiled at her again, though he had a pang in his stomach. He knew what she felt like, not wanting him to go. He wanted to go more than anything for almost as long as he could remember, but when he was with Jill, he had second thoughts. He knew Italy would be wonderful and he would learn so much, but he couldn't imagine life with out her.

[jillian]

She watched Payton a moment, trying to imagine what it was that could be running through his head. What was it that he thought about when moments like this came between them? It wasn’t often that they had very serious moments, not that their days were filled with so much goofing off, but they rarely ever had moments that made Jill want to cry. She breathed in and closed her eyes as Payton kissed her forehead; her hands went to her hair as she tucked some behind both ears. She opened her eyes when she felt his lips leave her forehead, and smiled slightly at what he was saying. She found herself wishing she had the same type of optimism he did, but the truth was; she didn’t and it really upset her. If only she could think that way, to live in the moment and worry about things when they came to her. But, then again, maybe she wouldn’t like to think that way – how else would she plan big things? And life after Payton was gone was certainly a big thing. In fact, Jill hadn’t even thought of what she wanted to do after Hogwarts. She might have thought of certain things, but she hadn’t really sat down to plan anything. Not in the past, and certainly not recently with living with Payton. It was far too scary to think of. When he said she might forget that she needs him, Jill shook her head again and looked down; “I don’t think that will happen,” she started softly.

Jill lifted her head again and sent him another small smile, “You’ll probably forget about me. I haven’t had as big an impact on you as you have me, have I?”

[payton]

He smiled when she said that he would probably be the one to forget about her and he gave her hand a soft squeeze. He had, at least in part been joking when he commented on her forgetting bout him, but he wondered how much of her comment was a joke and how much she had really meant it. "Trust me, I'm not going to forget you." His smile grew wider, and he glanced over for a moment, noticing that the last few students were leaving the Great Hall. He had almost forgotten that the crowd was still passing by, and part of him new there would be rumors flying around about then and what had happened over the summer, but he didn't care. Words were unimportant, it was the truth that mattered.

After a moment he turned his full attention back to Jill, letting the world around them disappear again. Somehow that happened when they were together. It became just them and nothing else mattered anymore. "You sell yourself short you know. You give me all this credit for changing you, and really you've just been caught up in how your changing me." He fell silent for a moment, knowing she wouldn't have any idea what he meant. He took a breath after a moment, still letting his words sink in. He had never really explained the situation to Jill before. She knew of course, that he had been hit in the Diagon Alley attacks, but he had never once talked to her about tit, how how they had changed him after. "Do you remember over the summer, when I said thank you for no reason? When we were on the beach?" he asked, breaking the silence for a moment. "Well, it was for something. You helped me let go of everything that had happened." He took a deep breath and used the hand not holding hers to rub his forehead for a moment as he tried to put the thoughts in order. "I got really hurt in the Diagon Alley attacks, I don't know how much you know about it, but I spent a long time in the hospital wing and my memory was gone....but I healed and my memory came back but I still wasn't....well I wasn't me." He paused for a moment, taking his free hand to her face to brush it along her cheek like her hair had fallen back, even though it hadn't. "I'm me again....and you helped me get there."

[jillian]

Jill watched his attention go to the thinning crowd in the Great Hall after he said he wouldn’t forget her, and then return back to her. She let her eyes wander a moment and found something on the floor to stare at, to pick a part so she wouldn’t feel awkward or naked – because Payton somehow always seemed to make her feel like he knew everything about her whether or not she told him. No one else could make Jill shake that way except Payton. She didn’t know if she should take it as a good thing or a bad thing, but sometimes she felt it was both. Like it was a mixture of her stomach being knotted in a good knot and her stomach being knotted in a sickening knot? Jill tore her gaze away from the spot she had been staring at and locked eyes with Payton as he began talking about the attacks. He had never really talked about them with her; Jill in turn never really brought them up. She knew how touchy subjects like that were with people.

As he continued to talk, Jill let her eyes fall again – but she brought them back up when she felt his hand on her face. Her eyes lit up with slight confusion, “But… how? What did I do?” She was finding it hard to believe that she had that much of an impact on someone when she didn’t even have a huge impact on herself.

[payton]

He could almost feel Jill's self doubt s he spoke about the attacks and how she had help him to move on from them. Jill was strong in many ways, but in just as many she lacked confidence, especially in herself. She didn't see how she could change someone, and he could certainly understand how she could miss it when it was himself she had changed. With Jill he had always been exactly how he was now, but that was how she had changed it. It wasn't anything she had done or said that transformed him slowly, it was that when he was around her, he was himself. "You didn't do anything, you were just...you, and it sort of made me become me again." He smiled again, lifting up the her hand to place a kiss on the back of it. "I know, hard to imagine me being anything other than this, but there was a while when this part of me was only for you; you just helped me to let it take over again."

After flashing her an easy going smile, trying to lighten the serious mood that had taken over he realized that they were alone in the great hall. Everyone else had abandoned the room to go off and start setting up their rooms for the year. Seeing as they were seventh years, there seemed to be little concern about them. The first years were watched over like hawks, followed around to make sure they knew where their rooms were and how to locate them despite the moving staircases. By the time one was a seventh though, all one cared about was that you were in your common room by curfew. He paused for a moment, letting out a long sign. "We should get going you know...before someone sends out a search party. Come on, I'll walk to you your common room."

[jillian]

When Payton explained what he meant, Jill felt her right eyebrow rise but then it went back down and she smiled at him. It was easy to be herself around Payton, it felt completely natural to be able to just goof around and do nothing but watch old movies and eat ice cream with popcorn. She smiled at that memory, and then the smile wilted when she remembered that there wouldn’t be any of that during the year. Reality was horrible, at least at the moment it was and Jill wished it had never happened. It had never come back to remind them that they had to go to school and that they couldn’t sleep under the same roof. She sighed after a moment of thoughts, and returned to the present as Payton kissed the back of her hand while explaining further how she had helped him. Jill smiled slightly, still finding it hard to believe that she was the one who had helped him – only her, anyway. She was almost certain Sethia had helped him some too, and maybe Jill felt a little resentful… but oh well. She couldn’t help it.

Jill smiled slightly again as he said they should probably head back to their dorms, and silently she agreed with him – but she was dreading the evening in the Gryffindor common room. With a small sigh, Jill started toward the common room – trying to think of something to say, something to take away this serious air that was around them. There wasn’t anything she could say, nothing she could do to make everything alright in her mind. All this change was something Jill wasn’t used to and it just rounded back to change being bad. She breathed in again and turned to Payton, a big smile on her face – masking the sadness she still felt; “Excited for classes?” she asked, wondering exactly what classes he planned on taking and whether or not they would be in any of the same ones. Jill was taking all the regular ones plus Astronomy, which was rumoured to be one of the toughest this year. She didn’t mind though, it was a new teacher so it should be interesting. But it would make her feel a bit relieved to know that Payton had some of the same classes as her.