Lay Me To Sleep ((Open))

[Katya Love S5]

((This’ll be a song post because I have a song stuck in my head. A song post is basically a post, but with song lyrics separating paragraphs or main points. It’s easier to understand if you think of it like a scene in a movie where the song is playing during the scene. The song that’s so lovingly stuck in my head is “Prelude 12/21” by A.F.I. Might I suggest Youtube if you want to hear it? You can also go to Katya’s site to listen to it in her music playlist. Other than that, enjoy the post.))

This is what I brought you, this you can keep;
This is what I brought, you may forget me.
I promise to depart, just promise one thing;
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Katya’s feet slapped against the cold ground as she burst through the double doors that led into the entrance hall of Hogwarts. Her hooded cloak flew behind her as she pulled the hood over her eyes and continued to run out the doors and down the concrete steps. She didn’t know where she was running to, she only knew where she was running from. She didn’t care that it was threatening to storm, nor did she care that she would get a cold if it did in fact storm. The only thing she cared about was getting as far away from the castle as she was allowed to. Her black converses squished against the wet grass as she continued to run across the grounds, away from the castle, away from her nightmares, away from her memories. She hadn’t cried. She wouldn’t cry. There were no tears forming in her eyes. There would never be. Katya gasped as she tripped over a hidden hole and fell forward. She pushed her hands out and braced herself for the fall, which happened sooner than she expected. Katya lie on the ground, her hands underneath her, giving her enough support to push herself away and roll over onto her back. Katya looked up at the grey sky, her hazel eyes dull and seemingly lifeless. She couldn’t get up. She couldn’t move. It would take too much energy.

This is what I brought you, this you can keep;
This is what I brought, you may forget me.
I promise you my heart, just promise to sing;
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

The rain fell. It fell slowly at first. Hitting Katya lightly, almost lovingly, and then it became angry at her. Pounding her with such fierceness and viciousness that Katya wouldn’t be surprised if she had small raindrop sized bruises along her pale skin in the morning. She still didn’t move, though. She didn’t shield her eyes from the rain. No. She looked on into the sky and lay stationary on the grass which was turning ever muddy beneath her. After awhile, Katya reached up with her hand and looked at that, at the skin that looked so smooth and so young. Why did she feel so much older than 13? Why did she feel aged within in the years since her mother had died? Katya was supposed to be enjoying her youth, enjoying the best years of her life, but she found that she couldn’t. She found it was too hard to make an effort in anything besides the routine. Katya let her hand drop onto her face before turning her head toward her hood, so only the right side of her face was showing and getting splattered with rain. For awhile there was only the sound of the heavy rain, but then… an ear shattering scream erupted into the soothing rain. It was nearly swallowed whole, but it could be faintly heard from the castle. Katya pulled her legs up and jammed her fist into her mouth to stop the scream, but it didn’t do any good. The scream was still going on inside her. No! NO! Katya didn’t do this! She didn’t have nervous breakdowns, no matter how tough the situation got!

This is what I thought,
I thought you need me;
This is what I thought so think me naïve.
I promise you a heart, you'd promise to keep,
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

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She didn’t know how long she had been biting her knuckle of her fist. After awhile, though, she started to taste blood. Katya pulled her fist away from her mouth and winced as the rain dropped onto the bite. Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. Everything was so hard. Everything was horrible. Katya opened her eyes slowly to the pouring rain that was slowing down. The brightness hurt her eyes slightly, but Katya didn’t close them again. Instead, she uncurled her legs and pushed herself onto her back and then into a sitting position. The hood fell off her head, leaving her wet brown hair to fall in knotted curls down her back. Katya was never one of those girls that could look good whether they were wet or dry. She was pretty, yes, because she took after her mother – but unless she was constantly worrying about her hair when it was wet, it was a big mess. Katya hugged her legs to her chest and put her chin on her knees, her eyes staring into the drizzling rain. How long had she been out? She had run out of the castle during lunch, so it couldn’t have been that terribly long of a time. Katya looked toward the clock that was above the courtyard in the owlery tower, and counted the numerals. It was only three, but it felt like forever.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep. Katya lowered her head, so her forehead was resting on her knees instead of her chin resting on them, and let out another scream. This time she didn’t try to stop the scream. She just let it out. The blood continued to trickle down her hand, but she didn’t do anything about it. There wasn’t anything she could do about it. There wasn’t anything she could do about anything. Katya’s life was gone from her. Or it might as well have been gone from her, at least she thought so.

[Katya Love S5]

((New post, means new song. This one is “Mad World” by Gary Jules.))

All around me are familiar faces,
worn out places, worn out faces.
Bright and early for their daily races,
Going nowhere, going nowhere.

[/i]

Ever feel so numb? So unbelievably numb that you start to wonder if you’re actually living or are awake during the moment you are so numb? Ever reach out your hand, expecting to feel something… anything at all, and feel nothing? Ever touch your hand to your chest where your heart is supposed to be and feel nothing there, either? That was how Katya felt at the moment as she lifted her hazel eyes to the darkening sky. Her red rimmed, scary looking, eyes. She looked like she was possessed. Her dark hair, which was even darker because it was sopping wet, was plastered around her face which was a pale colour because of the full moonlight and the fact that she wasn’t that dark to begin with. Katya lowered her gaze so she was looking straight in front of her and lifted her hand out to look at it. It felt and looked like someone else’s hand, a part of her body that was not her own. Katya tilted her head as she examined it with shifting eyes. It was small, slender, and most definitely a woman’s hand. But was it hers? Was it a part of her? Something she could use to feel, to harm? Katya watched as she curled her hand into a fist, her nails pressing on the fleshy part of her palm. She believed that she would have felt them digging into the skin if she could feel her hands, but she couldn’t, and she wasn’t even sure they were her hands, anyway. Katya uncurled her fingers and looked at the palm of the hand. Sure enough, there were half moon marks in an arc along her palm. She chewed on her bottom lip as she reached with her other hand and traced the arc with her pointer finger of her left hand. Normally, Katya knew, it would have tickled, but not now. She couldn’t feel anything. How she wished that were true for her emotionally. Emotions. Love. Hatred. Anger. Pain. Depression. Trust. Comfort. Emotions.

Their tears are filling up their glasses,
no expression, no expression.
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow,
No tomorrow, no tomorrow.

The rain had stopped, and now the night was nearly clear. As if the storm had never happened. The only evidence that it had happened was the damp ground, the over flown lake, and the soaked third year who was sitting in the middle of a mud pit with her head lowered and her lips moving in a silent prayer. Katya felt like every inch of her was in limbo. She felt nothing hit her skin, nor the sting of her bite on her knuckle. She felt no tears fall down her cheeks, nor the sting in her chest as she breathed in and out to control the heaviness of her breaths. Katya was completely numb to the world, but we’ve already established this. Now, as Katya lifted her head and looked up at the castle in the darkness. She realized she should really head back inside. Normally, she wouldn’t have cared if a Prefect caught her out, but she’d rather not explain why she was out there or why she looked a complete mess. Coming to the realization of this, caused Katya to press her hand to the muddy ground and push herself up. She stood on her legs, trying to regain the feeling in them, and then looked up at the looming castle before her. Years before when she was a first year, the castle appeared to be so much larger and so much more mysterious. Now, the mystery was gone but that description was replaced with sanctuary. Hogwarts felt like sanctuary to Katya, even if she wouldn’t ever admit it to anyone else. Home for her was broken without her mother’s sweet laughter or the scent of her favourite perfume. Hogwarts held a ray of hope for Katya. She closed her eyes as the breeze blew by and lifted her hair away from her face. For the first time in hours, she felt. The wind was cold. Then, all at once, her toes and fingers started to tingle and then sting. Katya became painfully aware of the gash in her knuckle from her teeth and the half moon cuts on her palm. It was as if she were being bathed in warm water that was restoring all pain to her body while her mind continued to circle around the pain of her heart.

And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I’m dying,
Are the best I’ve ever had.

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Everything was falling apart, and for once Katya wished she weren’t here. She wished she wasn’t able to feel the pain she had caused herself, or the pain that had been caused by other people. She wished she wasn’t walking the Earth or breathing the contaminated oxygen. She wished she wasn’t living. There wasn’t anything she could do about it, though, and she knew this. It didn’t stop her from wishing, however, and Katya knew that was wrong. She closed her eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat from trying not to cry again. Why did life have to be so hard? Her father used to tell her that no one said life was supposed to be easy, but if that were so… who said that life was supposed to be difficult?

[Katya Love S5]

((No more songs for this “song post.” It’s also now open.))

Katya let out a sigh as she twisted her hair over her shoulder, sending the extra water to the ever muddy ground. After a moment of trying to clean herself up and dry herself off, Katya pulled out her wand and flicked it before saying a drying charm. Her clothes became clean and dry and her hair became dry and was pulled back with a barrette. She shrugged and pulled the hood of her cloak back over her head as she pocketed her wand. Hoping it wouldn’t rain anymore, Katya made her way down to the lake. There was a rock down there that she could sit on and not worry about getting muddy again. The cloak flew behind her and Katya stopped walking. This was absurd. She slipped the cloak off her and held it in her arms as she continued the walk to the lake. She didn’t need to look like some muggle super hero with the billowing cape. Honestly, it was bad enough that she was outside alone. She reached the rock, spread the cloak over it, and sat down on the cloak. Now she wouldn’t get wet again, but instead the cloak would and that was easily dried. Katya looked out over the lake which had started to over flow, creeping ever closer to Katya’s rock. She didn’t worry about it, though, because she had proven to herself that she could dry herself off. Her eyes caught the reflection of the moon in the lake. It looked so serene. “The calm after the storm,” she whispered. Would there be a calm after her storm? She doubted it. There would be the storm, disaster, and then nothing. It was simple and efficient. Katya hated it.

Her storm started with her mother and ended with her. The letter was caught in between. The letter that stated her grandmother had died. The letter from her father. He tried to seem distraught in it, but he didn’t pull it off too well. Katya knew he wasn’t completely upset. He had often said time and time again that Katya had been hindered by her grandmother. It might have been true, but Katya couldn’t help it. Her grandmother was the only real thing keeping her connected to her mother. Stories were told at family gatherings and Katya felt closer than ever to her mother when she was with her grandmother. But now that her grandmother had passed away… there was to be no more connection. No more feeling like her mother wasn’t really dead. Katya would be forced to deal with the death of not only her mother but her grandmother who had served as a mother over the past seven years. “I know your grandmother is important to you and was an important element in your life, Katarina, but life goes on even after death. You’ll do fine with this most unfortunate circumstance, as you have done well with your mother’s death.” Unfortunate circumstance. How could her father be so cold? Her grandmother’s death was much more than an unfortunate circumstance. It marked the end of Katya’s hope.

The letter ran through her head over and over again. She had read it at least a dozen times, possibly more. It was so hard to believe and yet she had no other choice but to believe it. Katya’s world was single handedly crumbling to a pile that held no existence or no importance in the world of others. Her life was disappearing bit by bit, and it was taking the lives of those she cared about most with it. This was why Katya refused to get close to anyone. She knew that death and despair would only close around them in a matter of time. Katya was destined to be a loner. She had to be. This was why she was out alone by the lake. Katya sighed and tucked her brown hair behind her ear as she pulled her legs up onto the rock and fidgeted with her shoelace. That was when she heard someone speak to her. No, no, go away! Even after Katya’s protests in her mind, they didn’t leave. So, she looked up, thinking she might as well see who it was.