About That Trust Thing ((Adam))

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie smiled softly and didn't bother to reply about her being a Queen or just Dixie. He was right in a way, but he was also quite wrong. Although Dixie was just Dixie, there would forever be a part of her that remained a Queen and lived up to the Queen's reputation. It was whether or not she let that part of her out that was her choice. It used to be that being the stereotypical Queen just tired her out, but now it was her want to just be left alone that she used as an excuse more often. It wasn't as if the Queens actually did anything anymore. Ever since Dixie had become one, the group had seemed to disappear into nothingness. She wouldn't be surprised if the words 'Queens of Slytherin' didn't frighten anyone like they used to, or invoke admiration in the young Slytherin girls. It was nothing, really, like she had hoped it would be when she had arrived at Hogwarts.

Shaken from her thoughts, Dixie looked up at Adam with a quizzical look in her eyes. Did she want to hear a secret? Or were enough secrets shared already? Dixie bit her bottom lip and nodded once. Before he could speak though, she quickly said; "But you don't have to feel obligated to tell me anything because I told you something. If you don't feel you should tell me, that's fine. It's not like you don't have anyone else you can tell, whereas I only have you. You said so yourself that you trust easily, but that's not always a bad thing because then you don't let something eat at you like I did. Eat at you until there's nothing left." She watched him a moment and then looked down again, "I'm just saying, don't tell me anything you don't feel you could really absolutely trust me with."

She didn't want to make him feel obligated about anything. Dixie was so used to getting things just to get them. Then after awhile she got them as a price or pay. Then upon her accepting Hogwarts, she never got anything unless she stole it from Mack or bought it for her own. Years and years people got her things because she was Dixie Holden, Derreck Holden's perfect daughter. Birthday parties, they all didn't want to be there. They felt obligated to go. The presents weren't given with love. The person who had brought felt obligated to do so. Dixie's whole life had been obligation after obligation.

[Professor Adam Greene]

When Dixie spoke, Adam bit his lip, somewhat nervous. She had thought that he was going to share a very deep secret. He had purposely made it sound that way, when all he really planned was to joke and tell her something funny or nice that wasn't a secret at all. But now, he wondered if his doing that would make her feel like he was just toying with her and that he wasn't really serious when it came to secrets. In a way, he thought he would probably have had a hard time sharing a secret with Dixie- not because he didn't trust her, but just because that was how he was when it came to things like that. He couldn't really explain why, except that maybe there was a big part of trusting that he didn't quite hold to. Then again, it was something he wasn't used to. Adam was independent; having only himself there for most of his life.

"Well, uh," he stammered at first, "I didn't exactly have a real secret." His face showed a slight bit of shame and embarrassment. "I was just going to say that I think you are already doing well with the whole trust thing." Adam hoped that at least his statement would keep Dixie from getting upset that he wasn't serious about his sharing a secret. At least she didn't seem to keen on the idea anyways, he thought. "I have been thinking a lot lately too," he added, "about the whole trust thing. I think I've come to realize I might not be as trusting as I thought I was. At least not in the way of opening up to people. It's still hard, and a bit intimidating. I think I can trust people as far as a general trust goes, but I never really had to trust someone in a deeper way, the type of trust that I think you mean when you say it's hard for you to trust." Adam finished, realizing he was, in a way, speaking to himself as well as Dixie. He was thinking out loud. "I dunno though," he shrugged.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie raised a sharp eyebrow when he said he didn’t have a real secret. She was ready to ask him why he had made it seem so much more… but then she felt a sudden rush of relief wash over her. What would she have done or said if he had a real secret? She closed her eyes, trying to think of words she could have offered. Wouldn’t it all depend on what the secret had been though? Dixie bit the inside of her cheek and opened her eyes, quite thankful that he hadn’t any real secret to share. She smiled at him and then looked back down at the ground as a breeze blew by, carrying with it; Dix… Her head lifted slightly at the familiar voice and she shuddered, but it wasn’t because of the wind.

“I’m glad…” she started, her eyes searching the lake and the cliff that hung over the lake as the voice grew louder and louder in her head Dix…, “… I’m glad that I’m doing well with the trust challenge… but…” Dix… Dixie shuddered again, this time a bit more violently but not too violently, “… it’s just the beginning. I have a lot more things to overcome with it.” She looked at Adam and offered a small smile before turning her gaze to their surroundings once more, We won’t let you trust… “That’s what scares me…” Dixie whispered to it… knowing Adam would hear her. She sighed, trying to drown out the words that were filling her head. They were supposed to be gone forever. It wasn’t supposed to return. Hadn’t she gotten rid of it?

She ignored the voices and turned to Adam as he was talking again, this time about him trusting people. She tilted her head slightly, still ignoring the voices. They dimmed away and Dixie let out a small breath of relief, focusing back in on what Adam was saying. “Trust is trust, Adam. Even a small amount or a brief encounter of trust is still trust. If you give it out, you should always expect hurt… no matter what kind of trust…” She smiled a comforting smile, or as comforting as it could be with her shivering.

[Professor Adam Greene]

Adam smiled when Dixie seemed alright with the fact that he didn't have a real secret. When she started talking though, he noticed that she shook slightly. She looked around and then continued talking. "Yeah, that's true. It is only the beginning, but that doesn't mean that there can't be progress," he said reassuringly. Then, Dixie shuddered again. Adam looked at her with concerned eyes. "Are you okay? If you're cold you can wear my jacket."

Dixie spoke again, but it was a whisper. Adam couldn't quite make out what she had said. "Here," he said, not quite sure of what was wrong. Adam took his jacket off and put it over Dixie's shoulders and draped it to cover her back and arms. "We can move inside if you want," he added. The sun was going down, and the warmth was declining, but he still didn't think it was that cold out. He was warm all the time though, so maybe he just didn't notice the cold if that's what it was.

"Yeah," he said, in reply to her last statement about trust. "I'm beginning to learn that. I always thought it was so easy, but I guess that's because there was a whole side of trust that I had never experienced before." Still noticing her shivering, Adam rubbed his hand on Dixie's back, trying to warm her up a bit. "Really Dix, if you're that cold, we can just go to the commons room. Maybe a little chai tea would help," he added with a grin.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

"You think I can still make progress? You have more faith in me then I do." Dixie smiled slightly. It was a bittersweet fact. She should have at least some faith in herself, and yet she didn't. Adam seemed to have more than she did, quite a bit more if he actually believed she could go further than she already had. She shivered again, only this time smaller than the last ones. He asked her if she was okay and she shrugged, and thought I'm crazy, Adam, I'm not sure I'll ever be okay. She didn't speak those words, instead she shook her head to him offering his jacket, wondering if it would help any.

She hardly felt the jacket being placed on her, but she was thankful for his suggestion to go inside. She smiled and pulled the jacket around her a bit more before taking a deep look at the setting sun that was almost gone. Only a sliver of it remained but it's beauty still remained. She grinned. Even when it disappears, it's still there. What a lovely thought. Dixie tore her eyes away from the sunset and back to Adam, before standing and pulling him up with her as he was telling her they could go back to the commons.

"Chai tea sounds lovely. I don't know what's wrong wtih me. It isn't that cold out, I'm sure. Maybe I just caught a case of the chills." Dixie offered with a slight tone of optimism, but she knew it wasn't that. She knew it was because it had spoken and she knew it was because she was afraid it would take her again... like it had months and months before. She reached down and grabbed her shoulderbag before turning to look at the sunset... Not yours... never yours... "Always mine." She whispered back before grabbing Adam's arm gently and hurrying away from the area.

[Professor Adam Greene]

"Faith," he repeated with a heavy sigh. "You know, that's like trust's best friend," he said, raising his brow with a grin as he looked at Dixie. "When you've got one, you can be sure that the other is probably close by." Dixie got up and then pulled Adam to his feet. He helped a little by pushing some of his weight up with his free arm.

"I can't explain how often I think back to that first cup of tea," he added. "You should open up a coffee shop or something," he said, jokingly, but in a tone that indicated that it really wasn't a bad idea. "I'd promise to be your best customer." Then, Adam heard her whisper something. "What's always yours?" he asked, confused and wondering if he had heard her right. They began walking toward the castle. Adam took one last look at the sun setting and then turned back to Dixie, waiting for an answer.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie smirked at his suggestion of opening a coffee shop, but her smirk melted into a small smile when he said he would be her best customer. If she didn't have any thoughts about what she wanted to become, the coffee shop idea would always be in the back of her mind. At the moment, she was just trying to get through everything that was happening. One step at a time, that was her key that was what she followed and what she needed to believe in order to survive. Wasn't it? No more thinking... just... get inside, drink some tea, and try to have a conversation with Adam that doesn't end in challenges or tears... Dixie bit the inside of her cheek as if that made it final. She wasn't gong to think about such things anymore, not today. Maybe tomorrow. But the rest of the night.. she was carefree... well... she hoped.

She quickly looked at him when he asked what was always hers. Dixie looked down, "The sunset... I think. I don't know." She ran her fingers through her hair nervously and then pulled Adam's jacket tighter around her. When the castle was right in front of them, Dixie turned to Adam. "Do you think I'm really insane? That's I'm too crazy to lead a normal life? Or.. do you think that with the right help.. I can get over everything and I won't need.... what I've been needing for... months and years and eternity? Do you think I can ever get out of it?" Her eyes were pleading with him to say, 'yes, you can... with a snap of your fingers, too' but she knew that wasn't going to happen. Dixie looked down, "Lie to me if you must, I just... I want to have some hope.. that everything will turn out... fine."

[Professor Adam Greene]

Adam has a puzzled look on his face when Dixie mentioned the sunset. He looked at her for a moment and stopped, but then kept walking. As he noticed her pull the jacket tighter, he wrapped his arm around her back as they walked. Sometimes he didn't quite understand Dixie, but that didn't matter. She made him smile, and that was something he appreciated.

Just when they got to the castle, she turned and started bombarding him with question. He waited until she was done, and then thought about what she was asking. "Well, I don't plan to lie to you," he said, trying to ease her anxiety. "But umm, sure, why not?" he said, still a bit puzzled with what brought this all on. "I just don't see you as being crazy Dixie, so it's hard for me to answer something like that. But I guess if I did think you were crazy, I would say that there is always a hope to escape. That's because I'm optimistic though," he said with a shrug.

"Who's to judge what crazy is anyways? So what if you're crazy. You are Dixie, so just be Dixie; even if it is crazy Dixie. I don't think there is anything wrong with who you are. As far as everything turning out fine, we come back to our little friend trust. This time though, it's trusting in yourself- trusting that you can achieve what you want to achieve." Adam was quiet for a moment. It saddened him to see Dixie like this. She had no faith in herself, as she had admitted. He just wished she could see that she was just fine how she was. Sure he wished she would trust more, but that was only because he wanted her to trust him.

"Dixie, I'm sorry I always seem like I'm rambling to you; going on and on about having faith and trust and all of these other things that I seem to be forcing on you. Please don't think that I am trying to change you into someone your not because that is exactly the opposite of what I want to do. I just really want you to see that who you are is not something to be ashamed of. The Dixie that I am getting to know is a good person who deserves trust and happiness. You'll be just fine Dixie, trust me. Please trust me when I say that." Adam's voice held such sincerity.

Adam thought for a bit more, searching deep in Dixie's eyes for answers. He just wish he could understand more of what was going on in that mind. "I just don't understand why you think you're crazy Dixie, or why you don't want to have faith in yourself. Can you explain it to me?"

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie's eyes never left Adam as he began to tell her all she wanted to hear and he meant it. He wasn't lying to her. Which was good, because lying was one of the many things that Dixie couldn't tolerate although she had done it for years and years. When he was finished, Dixie looked down at her hands which were now fiddling with the jacket. "I don't think you're trying to push me to be someone I'm not, Adam. I think you're trying to push me to be who I am. It's just hard, is all. Because I don't know who I am. A couple of years ago I was... Dixie the girl who was so mean that everyone was afraid of her. Last year around this time I was Dixie Holden, Ward D loony. What am I this year? What am I today? And if that doesn't stay, what am I going to be tomorrow?" She stopped fiddling with the jacket and looked up at Adam, sending him a small smile.

"Trusting you isn't the problem either, love. Trusting me is the obstacle I must overcome. It's probably the hardest one I have yet to endure... I don't have a lot of faith in myself, as you've realized, and to do something as tricky as this.... I need faith in myself. A lot of it. I just don't seem to have any." The wind blew by and Dixie shivered agaisnt it, this time because of it. She tried to smile brightly, but she couldn't. Not even for Adam's sake. Dixie had gotten pretty good at smiling and looking happy, but for some reason she didn't think it would work quite as well with him... he seemed to know her and understand her better than her own mother did. As frightening as that was, it was also very comforting.

When he asked her why she thought she was crazy and why she didn't have in faith in herself. Dixie looked down again and shrugged, "I just... lost it." She looked back up as she realized he might not know what 'it' was. "I just lost faith that is. I guess I lost my mind as well... But it isn't completely gone. " She bit her bottom lip and then shrugged again, although she hadn't known she was doing it. "I was always told I was crazy, I think. I mean, maybe not in the sense of insanity... but it was only a matter of time before that label was stuck on me as well..." Her eyes dimmed slightly before she decided to glance away and continue the walk to into the castle. "After awhile I started to believe it... to believe that I was crazy. That... I am crazy. After awhile, it just seemed to fit. Why else would I be hearing voices? Or.. why else would I live in Kurr half the time?" She didn't bother to pause to explain Kurr, she would save that for another time. Dixie sent Adam a look, hoping he would catch onto the 'another story for another day' thing before continuing; "It was easier to blame all my problems on insanity than to live up to them. I know it's a weakness... but I can't help it.... it's my weakness... I turn everything into something it isn't."

[Professor Adam Greene]

"Well, I've always thought that you shouldn't worry about the past or the future; at least not as much as you should be concerned about today. You can't change your past, and for the most part, you can better control the present that you can your future. So don't worry about who you were or who you are going to be. Just worry about who you are now. And just let it be Dixie, plain and simple." He gave a soft smile. "Not that you are plain, or simple," he teased, "but you know what I mean.

"Love?" he questioned somewhat intrigued. Nobody had ever called him that before. "Well I guess I'm glad that you can trust me. And I wouldn't be too concerned about the whole trusting and having faith in yourself. It's not easy, I know. I tend to be my own worst critic." He shrugged before going on. "But I guess that's what friends are for, right? I mean, they can usually see what we are too critical to find in ourselves. At least that's what I think- not that I can say I know from experience. But it at least sounds like it would make sense if it worked that way."

Adam tilted his head and let out a large sigh. "Dix, what am I gonna do with you," he teased. "I guess I'll just never fully understand, but that's fine with me. He stopped just as they got inside the castle and gave her one last smile. "I think it's been enough in depth talk for today." He gave a hesitant smirk and continued. "My head kind of hurts from thinking so much. Maybe we can pick up another day?" he asked. "Maybe a stress-free game of wizard's chess? I just got a new set that I haven't got to try yet- at least not with someone other than myself," he added with a grin. "Sometimes I give myself a run for my money."

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

((OK - so I am gonna see if I can get all my posts done tonight. I'll be home Sunday and full posting power by Tuesday at the latest. We got the okay from Jack-Jack to use CMM if you want. Though I know you've come accustomed to using Chris Pratt (although I personally like CMM more ) anywho, I have two posts written which I will *try* to get up. I also have an idea that I need to run by you. It would be a late Christmas post though... :-\))

Dixie smirked, "I've never been plain and simple. I've always had to have compexities in my life, eh? It's rather horrible and tiring and I'm not quite sure how I've dealt with it for this long." She ran her fingers through her hair and pulled the jacket tighter around her still. A smile crossed her face when he repeated her use of 'love.' It was a habit. She called a lot of peopel names. Though never had she called anyone 'love.' Padme was 'pet' and Mack was.. well.. a not so nice name. She wondered if it bothered him any. She didn't say much until he said something about wizard's chess. Biting her lip she thought about what playing a game of wizard's chess might do. She never really liked wizard's chess. It was too much thinking for her.

"Alright, but I don't promise I'll be a good opponent. I actually suck at chess regardless of it being magical. But I would like a game to just get my mind off everything." She smiled softly and then grabbed his hand, pulling him inside the castle and away from the cold. Away from the Government. Once the doors were closed, Dixie turned to Adam and raised an eyebrow; "So, where's this chess board so we can play a game and you can beat me at this wonderful... game." She winced and then shook her head. She'd do anything to stop worrying about Kurr or about her insanity. Hopefully Adam could stop all her thoughts.

[Professor Adam Greene]

"I should have known," Adam said about Dixie and her mentioning her complexities. He grabbed her hand, leading her into the castle and down to the dungeons. He raised his eyes when she said she wasn't promising to be a good opponent at chess. "I guess that should make it even then," he replied with a smirk. "Wait here, I'll go get the chess set." Adam rushed to his room where the board and pieces were found under his bed. He blew the dust off of the set and made his way back to the common room. After setting up the pieces in their appropriate places, he looked up at Dix with a smile. "Ladies first," he said, anxious to see just how bad they both would be at the game. It really didn't matter though, he was just glad to be sharing Dixie's company.

((Post is officially ended... I think ))