Post by Esmeralda Mendez on Feb 8, 2008 0:55:30 GMT
I was laughing for ten minutes straight when I read this. It's something I found on a different Harry Potter site.
**NOTE: I did not write this hilarious masterpiece. I just found it and thought I'd share it with you all.
Monday, 8:38 p.m.
I am sitting in my armchair...alone again by the fire. I await for Wormtail to bring me sustinence.
Monday, 8:40 p.m.
Wormtail returns, bringing me a half-caff double latte from Starbucks that is 3 degrees too cold.
Monday, 8:41 p.m.
Throwed latte in Wormtail's face, watched him lick the floor clean while I used his head as a foot rest. I'm so excited for the new season of Heroes to start in 19 minutes, but I feel as if I might be dozing....
Monday, 11:35 p.m.
Damn! Fell asleep and missed Heroes. Smited Wormtail for not waking me up. Woke up to the sounds of a muggle by the name of Leno attempting to inspire laughter through mediocre comedy. Was greatly annoyed. Made note to kill him and all his pill popping nightime audience....slowly...perhaps with a band of ill-natured pandas. Started watching infomercials.
Monday, 11:40 p.m.
Made note to order Bare Minerals makeup kit. Discovered that all I needed to do to get healthy skin is swirl, tap, and brush.
Monday, 11:45 p.m.
Is inspired by Chuck Norris. Will order the Bowflex gym machine. Cant wait untill I have that Bowflex body.
Monday, 11:55 p.m.
Discovered I had no credit card. Smited Wormtail for not remembering I had no credit card.
Monday, 11:59 p.m.
Decided to change into my nightie and go to bed. Smited Wormtail for no apparant reason. Good night, I will see you in the morning.
Sunday, 12:22 a.m.
Hello diary, I come to you today with some rather exciting news. Today! I, LORD VOLDEMORT, finally beat him! I finally won! I beat my arch nemesis Red on Pokemon Silver! HAHA! Take that Red! You thought you had won! You thought all was well! Well kiss my green arse, i'll see you in hell!
Sunday, 12: 30 a.m.
Just settled down with a nice cup of hot cocoa and The Death Eater Daily. They had a lovely recipe for a baked Alaskan muggle. I do love that Martha Stewart.
Sunday, 12:37 a.m.
Why does Oprah feel the need to fly to get her donuts? Doesn't she realize that she probably already have several stuck to her rear? The idiotic woman and her O magazine. This inspired me to launch my own magazine to be presented at the next Death Eater meeting. I shall call it Voldemort's Delight...or perhaps VD for short.
Sunday, 12:40 a.m.
yay! I just got word that my wizarding Black Market investments are growing! THE BM STARTS NOW!
Sunday, 1:00 a.m.
I'm getting tired of having no life, I want to go out shopping. I do need a new set of dress robes. These are so last season.
Sunday, 1:35 a.m.
So word is that Dumblydore is gay. This intrigues me. I always knew that man was crooked. I mean seriously, the man wears purple spangled robes all the time. I knew he was fabulous, my gaydar is always right.
Sunday, 2:00 a.m.
So there is nothing on the telly and this angered me. I put Wormtail's head through it to relieve myself of the frustrations. It was mildly comical watching him get elektremacuted, or whatever it is those damn muggles say.
Sunday, 2:30 a.m.
Just got back from a nice hot bath. It was very relaxing. Lucius brought me Rose-scented bubble beads to use. That was very generous of him. Reminder: Spare his life the next time he screws up.
Sunday, 2:40 a.m.
Well diary, I think i'm going to hit the sack now. I'm all clean and smelling like a fresh French CENSORED*. Goodnight!
* Sorry Ezzie, I myself deemed that to be inappropriate, even though it was very funny.
I think there may be a bit in the beginning that is, but I'm sure if my fellow staff also deem it over PG-13, they will censor it for you too. Thanks for sharing!! I think some of it is hilarious. - Viv
**NOTE: I did not write this hilarious masterpiece. I just found it and thought I'd share it with you all.
Voldemort's Dirty Laundry: Delicate Wash
Monday, 8:38 p.m.
I am sitting in my armchair...alone again by the fire. I await for Wormtail to bring me sustinence.
Monday, 8:40 p.m.
Wormtail returns, bringing me a half-caff double latte from Starbucks that is 3 degrees too cold.
Monday, 8:41 p.m.
Throwed latte in Wormtail's face, watched him lick the floor clean while I used his head as a foot rest. I'm so excited for the new season of Heroes to start in 19 minutes, but I feel as if I might be dozing....
Monday, 11:35 p.m.
Damn! Fell asleep and missed Heroes. Smited Wormtail for not waking me up. Woke up to the sounds of a muggle by the name of Leno attempting to inspire laughter through mediocre comedy. Was greatly annoyed. Made note to kill him and all his pill popping nightime audience....slowly...perhaps with a band of ill-natured pandas. Started watching infomercials.
Monday, 11:40 p.m.
Made note to order Bare Minerals makeup kit. Discovered that all I needed to do to get healthy skin is swirl, tap, and brush.
Monday, 11:45 p.m.
Is inspired by Chuck Norris. Will order the Bowflex gym machine. Cant wait untill I have that Bowflex body.
Monday, 11:55 p.m.
Discovered I had no credit card. Smited Wormtail for not remembering I had no credit card.
Monday, 11:59 p.m.
Decided to change into my nightie and go to bed. Smited Wormtail for no apparant reason. Good night, I will see you in the morning.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, 12:22 a.m.
Hello diary, I come to you today with some rather exciting news. Today! I, LORD VOLDEMORT, finally beat him! I finally won! I beat my arch nemesis Red on Pokemon Silver! HAHA! Take that Red! You thought you had won! You thought all was well! Well kiss my green arse, i'll see you in hell!
Sunday, 12: 30 a.m.
Just settled down with a nice cup of hot cocoa and The Death Eater Daily. They had a lovely recipe for a baked Alaskan muggle. I do love that Martha Stewart.
Sunday, 12:37 a.m.
Why does Oprah feel the need to fly to get her donuts? Doesn't she realize that she probably already have several stuck to her rear? The idiotic woman and her O magazine. This inspired me to launch my own magazine to be presented at the next Death Eater meeting. I shall call it Voldemort's Delight...or perhaps VD for short.
Sunday, 12:40 a.m.
yay! I just got word that my wizarding Black Market investments are growing! THE BM STARTS NOW!
Sunday, 1:00 a.m.
I'm getting tired of having no life, I want to go out shopping. I do need a new set of dress robes. These are so last season.
Sunday, 1:35 a.m.
So word is that Dumblydore is gay. This intrigues me. I always knew that man was crooked. I mean seriously, the man wears purple spangled robes all the time. I knew he was fabulous, my gaydar is always right.
Sunday, 2:00 a.m.
So there is nothing on the telly and this angered me. I put Wormtail's head through it to relieve myself of the frustrations. It was mildly comical watching him get elektremacuted, or whatever it is those damn muggles say.
Sunday, 2:30 a.m.
Just got back from a nice hot bath. It was very relaxing. Lucius brought me Rose-scented bubble beads to use. That was very generous of him. Reminder: Spare his life the next time he screws up.
Sunday, 2:40 a.m.
Well diary, I think i'm going to hit the sack now. I'm all clean and smelling like a fresh French CENSORED*. Goodnight!
* Sorry Ezzie, I myself deemed that to be inappropriate, even though it was very funny.
I think there may be a bit in the beginning that is, but I'm sure if my fellow staff also deem it over PG-13, they will censor it for you too. Thanks for sharing!! I think some of it is hilarious. - Viv
[/center]