Shared Fears ((Bradley))

[Colin Morgensen G7]

Featuring Laura and Katie.

“Laura.” Colin reached out to touch her arm, wincing when she shifted away from him discreetly. Her eyes still held the warmth that they always had for him but that only made him feel worse. He had messed up his last relationship just as thoroughly as he had messed up with Bradley less than an hour ago. It didn’t really bode well for the future.

“What do you want, Colin?” Her voice was patient, measured. At that moment, he honestly believed that Laura Donaldson would rather kiss a Slytherin than talk to Colin. It stung, he wouldn’t lie, but he probably deserved it.

“Can I talk to you? Please.”

She had been about to refuse, that much was clear. Then she looked at him, really looked at him, and something in her seemed to melt a little bit. “Oh, Colin.” Laura sighed and then nodded, leaving her books spread across the table she had claimed as hers. The message was clear: he wouldn’t have much of her time so he had better make every second count.

They walked out of the library side by side, hands brushing with every step. It wasn’t quite the way things had been, when they had held hands or Colin’s arm had been around her waist and she had laughed when he joked with her, faces bright because they honestly enjoyed the other’s company. It was close enough though to almost make Colin believe that nothing had changed between then and now. When they had reached a quieter corridor, Laura abruptly stopped, staring at him in complete silence until it became clear that he didn’t know where to start.

“Let me guess. Bradley Jameson. What has he done this time, Colin? And why the hell does it mean that I have to get involved? It’s a bit late to tell me that I was right all along, that he monopolises your time and attention because he’s too spoilt to share you. If you’ve come to tell me that you want me back then it’s too little, too late. He’ll always come first for you, Colin. Always. No girl can compete with him, not when it comes to you. I can’t go through that again. I won’t.”

Laura’s angry, hurt face was Colin’s undoing. The only regret he had ever had about them was how things had ended, because she had looked exactly like she did now and it made him hate himself more than he thought possible. She only ever looked like that when she was confronting him about Bradley. Under her steady glare, Colin let the whole story spill out: how he had been hurt when she had broken up with him and clung to Bradley all the harder, how Bradley had started avoiding him and then Michelle had appeared, how Bradley had kissed him and how Angel had tried to fix the situation, how Colin had agreed to date Bradley, how he had felt when Georgia had flirted with Bradley right in front of him and how he had pulled away from Bradley when he had been the one to tell him that Colin wouldn’t break or run away if Bradley pushed a bit harder. By the time he finished, Laura’s face was fixed in a painful grimace. Colin couldn’t blame her. He ex-boyfriend was, after all, coming to her with a hurt heart and essentially asking for her advice about his new boyfriend. Neither of them had even realised that Colin was attracted to boys. He wasn’t. Just Bradley.

After a while, Laura inhaled deeply, mustering her resolution. She had loved Colin when she had broken up with him and she loved him still now. That she hated Bradley Jameson didn’t even cross her mind. Colin was here in front of her and she wanted him to be happy; pain and misery didn’t suit his face. “You’re an idiot, Colin Morgensen. What were you thinking when you said you’d give Bradley a shot? What was actually going through your mind at the time?”

Colin frowned, bewildered. He had told Laura that already. There had to be a point in her asking him this though. She had always proved wiser than him in the end, he accepted that now. “I was thinking that this was Bradley,” he answered simply. “I can’t lose him; he’s my best friend.”

Laura nodded gravely, her expression gentle as she reached out to touch Colin’s shoulder. She had known that that would be his answer. With Colin Morgensen, everything always related back to Bradley Jameson. That had hurt her so much when they were dating and the painful sting of not being enough still hadn’t faded. That didn’t mean that she wouldn’t help him in any way she could. She might not be enough for him, but Colin had always been enough for her. “Did you think about having to kiss him, to actually be with him? Or were you just so worried about your friendship that you jumped onboard the idea of a relationship without thinking it through, much less being attracted to him? You were jealous of Georgia, yes, but was that because she was flirting with Bradley or because you were afraid that he would date her again and you would be alone?”

That wasn’t true. That wasn’t true! Colin jerked back, stumbling away and shaking his head furiously. Black hair landed in his eyes, making them water as he stared at her. “I wouldn’t do that to him!” Colin snapped at Laura coldly, his accent thickening until it mangled his words nearly beyond recognition. He always did sound more Irish when he was upset. “I wouldn’t play with his heart like that, and I do like kissing him. I’m just...scared. Really scared. Do you know how terrifying it is to like someone you’ve never looked at in that way before? To wonder if they’re going to change their mind about you and you’ll find them with someone else?”

“It’s terrifying,” Laura agreed softly, drawing Colin into her embrace. She knew she couldn’t have him, not in the way she once had, but he needed her right now. Not Bradley, not his other friends but her. It was the one thing he had never given her during their relationship and it made her want to cry now that Colin was finally showing that he needed her. It wasn’t too little, too late anymore. It was utterly perfect but far too late for them. Colin always had been oblivious, even when something was obvious to everyone around him.

“What if I change my mind?” Colin asked her softly, knowing that she didn’t have the answers anymore than he did. “What if he changes his mind? I don’t want to lose him.”

[Bradley Jameson]

Bradley was not having a good day. The moment his last class was over, rather than leisurely taking his time packing his bag, he shoved everything in, slung it viciously over his shoulder, and barged (as politely as possible, since the ingrained well-mannered boy remained from his childhood spankings) through his classmates towards the door. He burst out into the corridor and stormed towards the Gryffindor Common Room, expecting to get to his dormitory, crawl under the covers, and knock himself out for the rest of the evening.

Bradley's emotions were clearly visible to those around him despite his best efforts; it didn't take a genius to work it out. His brow was creased into a permanent scowl with the help of down-turned lips; his eyes were dark, frustration simmering under the blue of his irises; and the grip on his bag was much too tight to go unnoticed. Needless to say, the students he passed by automatically let him go without halting his path.

Except one, of course.

"Katie," Bradley growled unforgivably, forced to stutter to a stop thanks to his cousin, tall and fiery and beautiful, who had planted herself, intentionally of course, right in front of him. "Get out of my way."

Katie shook out her dark, wavy hair, like a midnight waterfall down her back, and gave Bradley her hardest stare, lips firmly set in a straight line and eyes unrelenting. "Bradley Jameson, stop throwing a baby's tantrum and get a grip," she stated bluntly, arms crossed over her chest and head held high. "What the hell happened? You were perfectly happy when I saw you at breakfast this morning. Then you disappear during your free period, and now you look like you're about to massacre the first years." Katie narrowed her eyes and sought and refused, stalwartly, to budge.

Bradley quickly broke eye contact and side-stepped Katie, refusing to give her what she wanted. "Nothing happened," he answered tightly as he passed, hoping to shake her off, but knowing his efforts would be vain.

As Bradley knew she would, Katie turned on her heel and stalked after him, keeping up with his faster pace. "Don't b***s*** me, Bradley," Katie snorted, "I've known you since you were in nappies, and you've never spent an entire class staring at the back of the professor's head like you want to decapitate it unless it's Snape. You also didn't make any notes. Again, a first." She ticked off her points with a tone of voice which dictated that she was right, and anyone who didn't agree was most definitely a fool. "You should know better that you can't lie to me, Bradley. Even if you wanted to," Katie concluded with a triumphant smirk.

Bradley's step faltered for but a moment, but before Katie could blink, he was whirling around on her with an expression that would have made a child cry at the sheer ferocity. "Look, Katie, it's none of your [expletive] business!" he yelled so loudly his every word echoed around the corridor. Students stopped to watch with wide eyes, but most quickly regained their composure and shuffled past them, trying to avoid the confrontation. Katie herself was staring at Bradley with wide, disbelieving eyes. "You're not my [expletive] mother, McGrath! I don't have a mother and I don't want one, thanks, so shut up it and leave me the hell alone!" With that, Bradley turned his merciless glare from his speechless cousin and strode away, barely batting an eyelid about the fact that he had actually deigned to use curse words. Bradley was too posh to use expletives. Evidently today was a day for firsts: first time Bradley hadn't concentrated in class; first time he'd sworn and yelled at Katie so much he'd almost lost it; first time he'd wished Colin fricking Morgensen didn't exist.

Bradley only felt the smallest shred of remorse for leaving Katie behind like that, but she deserved it, a nasty, angry voice in his mind snarled, clawing at his frayed sanity. She bloody deserved it, for poking her nose into business which didn't - never, in fact - concerned her. Katie was always so bloody righteous and I know better than you, I'm always right, and she always got what she wanted from Bradley, and he had had enough. Enough was enough. Not today. Not. Today. No one messed with Bradley anymore today.

That is, until he'd faded past the mass of students, heading down an empty corridor, when he began to hear voices. He disregarded them entirely, just unimportant buzzing in his ear when his mind was so far away from school and people right now. He didn't even recognise the familiar tones of his boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend. Bradley didn't even stop until he rounded the corner, only to see Colin and Laura Donaldson having a seemingly amicable conversation. The rage Katie had already sparked in Bradley flared like a bonfire set alight by a mere match. The memory of what had happened earlier today with Colin proved both like oil and water for the burning anger in his mind; on one hand, he hated seeing the hypocrisy of Colin being intimate with his ex-girlfriend when he couldn't even stand to be with Bradley even though they had been best friends forever, yet he was also scared to meet Colin's eyes now, so afraid of rejection and heartache. Bradley was more fragile than people thought, and he... he couldn't take it.

There was little point in turning back; there was only one path to the Common Room. Determined not to make a scene with Colin, especially in front of his ex-girlfriend, and trying not to take the image of the two of them too personally, Bradley resolved to make it past them as though he hadn't seen them. He chanted the plan to himself over and over in his head as he walked towards them, not hearing a word they said and trying to stem the resentment, the rage he felt towards Colin and Laura, amongst the fear and hurt. Bradley didn't want to face Colin; not now... maybe not ever. Not if his heart was to break into little pieces every time he even so much as looked at him.

[Colin Morgensen G7]

“It’s all going to be fine in the end, love,” Laura soothed him, her arms tight around him as Colin found himself hugging her back. They were clinging to each other like the world would end if one of them let go but he couldn’t help it. For once, he couldn’t go to Bradley with his problems and he needed someone. If he could approach Bradley then he could ask Angel or Katie or Santiago either. The girls would tell Bradley without a second though, thinking that they were helping the two of them out, and Colin wouldn’t knowingly put Santiago in the difficult position of being forced to keep secrets from his girlfriend and the rest of their friends.

“We were never like this before, were we?” Colin asked, hating himself when he felt Laura shake her head. Words failed both of them for the moment. It was truly ironic that now, when Colin was suddenly gay and with Bradley and Laura was trying to move on from the boy who still held her heart, they could connect on the level that had never been accessible for them when they had actually been dating. “I was a terrible boyfriend. I’m sorry.” Colin rested his forehead against Laura’s dark hair, letting go of his doubts and regrets and unhappiness about his first girlfriend. He hadn’t tried hard enough to save their relationship, just as he hadn’t tried hard enough during it. He wouldn’t make the same mistake with Bradley, and not only because losing Bradley would hurt ten times more than Laura breaking up with him had. “You deserved better, but I did love you. For what it’s worth, I did love you.”

Colin jerked away from Laura guiltily when Bradley walked past, knowing how the two of them must look. He just kept hurting Bradley, and he never meant to. Laura caught his hand, shaking her head at him slowly. This isn’t the way to handle it, her eyes told him, chastising him even without words. His mouth opened, ready to call out to Bradley, to stop him, to explain and make everything better. If he would just listen then maybe things could work out better than they always seemed to lately. Suddenly resigned, Colin snapped his mouth shut. Eyes downcast, he shook his head. He knew Bradley better than anyone else did. Bradley wouldn’t be in any mood to listen to Colin’s awkward, stumbling explanation.

Laura dropped his hand abruptly, striding a few paces towards Bradley’s retreating back. “Oi, Jameson!” Her voice was filled with the bitter resentment and righteous fury that she had only ever held for Bradley, Colin realised and winced. Her intentions were good, he was sure, but his ex-girlfriend wasn’t going to help matters by confronting Bradley. “Stop being such a coward and talk to him!” Her shout lashed out like a whip, designed to sting and punish. This was the only release that she had for everything she had ever held against Bradley though so Colin made no move to stop Laura as she stalked up to Bradley, facing him with burning brown eyes. She was better than Colin himself was then, since he felt like he was frozen in place. “For once in your miserable life, Jameson, think about someone else’s happiness than your own. You wanted to take Colin from me? Well, there he is!” Laura threw out her arm to gesture at Colin wildly, who would have quietly begged her to leave him out of this if only the words would form in his tongue-tied mouth. “You have him. So fix him before I make you regret ever meeting either one of us.”

[Bradley Jameson]

They were hugging. That was hard not to notice. Bradley fought to remain calm as he silently gnashed his teeth together with a tightly shut mouth. Pretend you can't see, pretend you don't care, that it doesn't mean anything to you, Bradley told himself. And for a moment, as he walked past and from the corner of his eye saw Colin move away from Laura on instinct, he thought he'd gotten away unscathed; that he'd successfully managed to sidestep Colin and his intimate little get-together in the middle of an empty corridor with his ex-girlfriend without losing himself to the anger and rage burning inside of him. That he could go back to their room and sleep away this nightmare of a day, so he could pretend that it had never happened.

But Bradley was wrong. He was barely five steps past the happy couple (because Let's face it, Bradley thought to himself bitterly, Colin's been happier with that Hufflepuff kid than with me. Heck, he looked happier with Michelle O'Riley.), when the familiar voice of Laura called to him from behind; and she did not sound sweet and friendly at all, as she had always been before and during her romantic fling with Colin. Ironically, looking back, Bradley had never had a problem with Laura, compared to Colin's horror at Bradley's choice in women. In fact, Bradley had liked Laura; thought she was good for Colin. Bradley had never disliked her because he knew she would never be more important than he was to Colin; had he felt threatened, Bradley might have felt differently... like he did now.

On the other hand, Laura had never liked Bradley. She had never been obvious or open about disliking him, but Colin had made it quite clear to Bradley that she hadn't liked it when Bradley was around with the two of them - which was most of the time, since Bradley and Colin were joined at the hip. Bradley had somewhat resented Laura when she had eventually broken up with Colin; he had been terribly down for weeks, which just wasn't Colin, and for one of the first times in Bradley's life, he had felt helpless; he hadn't been able to help his best friend at all, and Bradley had hated Laura for putting him in that position - for hurting Colin like that, in a way no one else could. Bradley hadn't liked that Laura had had that power over Colin; and now, he hated her even more for it, because that was what Bradley wanted to be to Colin. Even more. More. More than just best friends.

With the riling of Laura, Bradley finally felt his willpower snap in a burst of fury, and he swung round to bark, "You're calling me the coward?" Bradley laughed bitterly, refusing to look at Colin, but feeling all the emotions he'd bottled up over the last few hours spill out into a messy, searing jumble. "I'm the coward? Well aren't you biased, Donaldson. I'm not the one who's scared anymore," Bradley sneered, feeling his heart ache and still... he couldn't look at Colin. He couldn't let it affect him, didn't want to know if his words were hurting Colin as much as Colin not talking to Bradley hurt him. "I'm not the one who said one thing and confuses the hell out of people by acting like he never said it! So, forgive me for running away from your ex, because if I didn't know any better, I would've thought he was running the hell away from me! And guess what? That hurts. That hurts!" Tears. Bradley felt them prick at the edges of his eyes, his throat began to tighten, and he knew if he wasn't careful, he might break down in front of Laura and Colin in the middle of a corridor, and he could not have that.

The fact that Colin had told Laura everything - that hurt too. Bradley hasn't even deigned to tell Katie, who he told almost everything too (because she made him). Bradley pushed on, needing to rid himself of all this rage, the emotions he could no longer control because of Laura and her stupid meddling. "It's really none of your business anyway," Bradley said coldly, fury still detectable but carefully maintained to simmer at the surface of his voice. "If I'm the coward, why are you talking to me? This has nothing to do with you. And I'm not the selfish one; not when all you can think about is how I took him from you. Well, that's not true. You didn't want him. You were the one who broke up with him, so don't you dare blame me! I never wanted you to do that! You could still be all lovey-dovey with him right now and this would never have happened, so if it's anyone's bloody fault, it's yours, Donaldson! Do you know how much you hurt him when you did that? You left him to me, and don't you dare think that was my fault. I just tried to put back what you left behind in pieces."

Bradley couldn't stop. The emotions were pouring out, unstoppable, and he didn't even register that Colin was there anymore, watching, listening. Bradley didn't care, except that Laura, stupid bloody Colin's-ex-girlfriend Laura, was lecturing him, and he didn't like it. "I only care about his happiness. I only care about him! I've been trying to fix him for Merlin knows how long thanks to you, but I can't! I'm not the one! I'm only his best mate and I [expletive] messed that up, and he doesn't even want me, so what the hell... what the hell is the [expletive] point, Donaldson? Eh? Why don't you tell me?!" Bradley breathed heavily as he finally came to a stop in his shouting, and when all Laura did was stare at him, angry and hurt and bitter, Bradley didn't waste an extra second looking at her. Without turning to Colin, without waiting for her response, Bradley spun around and started to walk away, eyes closed and silently stoic.

Finally, he began to cry.

[Colin Morgensen G7]

“Oh, please,” Laura laughed. “Don’t lie.” Despite how demented Bradley looked, she didn’t flinch or back away, just remained in place with her steady stare. She always had been constant in her ways. Bradley Jameson had broken that part of her nature once when he had forced her to break up with Colin but she would not permit him to do so again. Hell, her heart was starting to ache with sympathy for the both of them. She would forever be on Colin’s side, whether he was in the right or not, but she was also starting to see that Bradley Jameson wasn’t quite the evil little bastard she had turned him into in her mind. “Don’t deny that you’re a coward, Jameson. You ran; you ran to anywhere but Colin and you know it. You know what brave people do in that situation? They talk. Have you talked to anyway, Jameson?” Laura asked mercilessly, stepping forward even as she laughed mockingly. “Of course you haven’t. I know you, Jameson. All Colin ever bloody talked about was you. And you don’t talk to anyone. You throw tantrums, like a little child. Act like an adult, Jameson. Help yourself out instead of leaving the duty of fixing everything on Colin. Because you know what? At least he is trying. Actually, I’m trying to fix your relationship more than you are. Do you even want to be with Colin? I’m not sure that you do; you certainly don’t act like it.”

“Don’t,” Laura warned quietly. “Don’t you f**k**g dare try to say that I didn’t want him. I love him, and he loved me, he did, and you couldn’t stand that someone was in Colin’s thoughts more than you were!” Colin grasped his hands together tightly, not looking at either of them, not speaking, trying hard to convince himself not to listen. He couldn’t have expected that Bradley would walk past; Hogwarts was a large place and Colin hadn’t been thinking much anyway. He had simply known that he needed someone and Laura had sprung to mind. He hadn’t even planned on telling her everything; he had just wanted to...be forgiven, he supposed. Once again, Colin had asked too much of Laura yet she had given it to him anyway. Had their relationship always been so one-sided? He didn’t think so. They had been happy once.

“It wasn’t Bradley’s fault that we broke up.” It took a few seconds for Colin to figure out that it was his own voice talking and he immediately flushed and fell silent. Laura had turned to gaze at him though, with that steady look of encouragement that he remembered from their hours of doing homework together, when Colin had gotten bored and she had still had the power to convince him to finish everything so they could then do something more fun. “It wasn’t his fault that I couldn’t find time for both of you equally.” Colin shrugged defensively, still determinedly not lifting his gaze from his hands. “Something had to give, and you deserved a better boyfriend.” Like Bradley does now, remained unsaid as Colin ducked his head to let more shaggy black hair cover his face. “Maybe I’m just a better friend than boyfriend. Because I chose Bradley over you, Laura, and no matter how sorry I am for hurting you, I’d do it again.”

“Because you can’t bear to lose him,” Laura completed softly, clearly fighting not to cry when Colin’s head moved once in a single nod. “See?” Her smile resembled a painful grimace as she locked eyes with Bradley. “You’ve always meant more to him than I ever could. I could have his children, and his first thought would be of you. Whether you’re his best friend or his boyfriend, nothing I can ever do will compete with just the fact that you’re in his life. So think, Jameson. What would it do to him if you broke up with him? And he clearly thinks that you will; perhaps not now or even next year but eventually.”

Colin didn’t even have to look up to know that Bradley was leaving. Laura would call it running away again. Bradley would maybe call it a strategic retreat; he always did like to make things sound more impressive than they really were, in Colin’s experience. Colin knew it was just leaving, or perhaps leaving him behind. Neither could be allowed, he found when he started scrambling to his feet, his lankiness for once more of an asset than a hindrance as it took only a few long strides to catch up to Bradley and spin him around to face Colin. “What if you change your mind?” Colin asked softly, unconsciously repeating the same question he had thrown at Laura about Bradley. Seeing the tear-marks on Bradley’s face made him want to cry, which was really such a bloody stupid urge because this was all Colin’s fault in the first place. “If nothing much changes between us then I can fool myself into thinking that we’re just the same as we’ve always been, that we’re always going to be friends. But today...maybe it was too much and too soon so I was wrong to tell you that I wasn’t going to break but all I could think was that you were my boyfriend and I was going to mess this up just like I did with Laura. And I really don’t want to lose you.”

[Bradley Jameson]

"I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar," Bradley snarled, furious that Laura - who didn't even know him, who had no right to accuse him of anything, when he had never pretended to do likewise with her - had the nerve to blame him. Laura had never been a bitter, angry girl; in fact, she used to be sweet, innocent - a beautiful, pure girl who Colin had fallen in love with. "I'm not denying that I can't be a coward. When I'm with him - especially when I'm with him, I can't always be brave. I'm not perfect," Bradley sneered, trying to hide the hurt in his voice. "I've never been a coward until him. So I ran, but I'm not the only one running. Sometimes people have to run, not just because they're cowards, but because it hurts too [expletive] much." Bradley felt his teeth clack with the force of his words, and pressed his lips together tight as he continued to glare at an unrelenting Laura. "You know nothing about me!" he yelled viciously. "So what if I haven't talked to anyone? I'm not a girl, I don't need to run to someone and cry about my feelings! If you knew me at all, you'd know that it's not easy for everyone to wear their heart on their sleeve all the time! Because people get hurt when they do that; they're vulnerable, and I will not be weak. I'm not going to run around spilling everything to my friends because it's none of their business, and what can they do anyway, besides feel sorry for me? Nothing. It's better to just shoulder your own burdens and get on with life." Which was why Bradley hadn't told Katie; he didn't want to involve her... it was none of her business.

"Trying? Trying?" Bradley gave a bark of bitter laughter, and threw his arms disbelieving in the air. "Don't make me laugh, Donaldson. I have tried so hard over the last few weeks. Do you know how hard it is to realise you're in love with your best friend, who happens to be a guy? Do you know what my father would do to me if he found out? Do you have any idea what it's like to be me? To have to live up to expectations, to carry on a family legacy made of generations' of great men! Men who didn't fall in love with their best mates, who didn't have feelings for guys!" Bradley almost choked on the thick emotions, but he pushed through it, determined to let it all out, to give Laura everything she wanted from him. "I have had enough of not knowing," he hissed, "of not knowing where I stand and if it's me - if it's all my [expletive] fault. Of course I want to be with him. I've sacrificed a lot to accept this - that I want this. But I'm sure you already know, since you're the expert, that it takes two to tango in relationships." Bradley's voice sneered at the use of the cliché. "If it bothers you so much, why don't you just get lost, Donaldson," he added angrily, "it's none of your [expletive] business. Just because you're Colin's," the name was hard to say on Bradley's tongue, "ex-girlfriend, doesn't mean you're his bloody mother."

Bradley snorted derisively and shook his head. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "B***s***," he sneered, "I never wanted you two to break up, I never tried. I wanted him to be happy, and you were the one who broke his heart." It was a shock to hear Colin's voice at last; his deeper tone of voice compared to Laura's, the regret that was evident in every word. Bradley still couldn't look at him, didn't turn around as he began to walk away, choosing to stare hard at the floor and listen to the almost soothing tones of Colin's voice with every step he took. But then, Bradley's heart stuttered to a stop when Colin said I’d do it again, and he felt his feet falter. He heard Laura's words; registered them, but didn't think. He could only stand there and cry silently, tears rapidly coursing down his face. Bradley didn't know why he was so emotional, so hurt by this; evidently Colin meant more to him than he'd even realised, and the thought of losing him was so frightening that Bradley had buried the truth away deeper than he could fathom. I would never want to break up with him, Bradley could only think in reply to Laura's accusations. Never. He could smash my heart into a tiny pieces, but I could never do that to him. I could never let him go.

Bradley felt Colin's hands on him, and let his best friend spin him around to face him, not even trying to hide the fresh tears bright on his face. Bradley never cried out loud; always silently, just water rushing out of his eyes to wash away the pain. His eyes weren't even red, just wide and hurting as they stared into Colin's. "You won't," Bradley croaked when Colin stopped talking, the tears constricting his throat as he forced them out. "You won't mess it up," he repeated more firmly, louder. "I won't let you. It's always me messing things up. I'm not good enough for you. I'm not good enough for my family, for my father. Not good enough for you." Colin's face was beginning to blur with the new bout of tears, and Bradley had to wipe at his eyes viciously with the back of his sleeve, trying to dry his face and pretend he wasn't crying. "You'll never lose me. I told you already, you idiot. I'll always be yours, as long as you'll have me. Did you think I was lying?" Bradley wanted to be angry; to yell at Colin that he was a fool, a complete and utter fool, but he couldn't. "And I'll always want you. I'll never change my mind. I gave up so much when I decided I wanted you, and I'm not... I'm not going to take it back now. Not ever. I'll never be the one to break up with you, I'll never be the one to leave you. My heart... everything, is yours." Bradley choked and had to hold a hand to his face to halt the emotion threatening to break loose.

"I love you," Bradley finally said, breath catching with the force of his quiet statement and his eyes closed against his palm, brow creased in a pained frown. "I love you. How many times do I have to say it until you get it, Colin? Everything you do, matters. I can't help it; I've never cared this much about anyone. It's... It scares me, I can't control myself." Bradley took a deep breath and concluded, "If I lose you, I lose everything. And I felt like I lost you today. That everything I'd given up - our friendship, everything - was lost forever. And I can't handle that. I can't."

[Colin Morgensen G7]

Laura shouldn’t have said that, Colin remarked to himself silently, even though he knew that she wouldn’t regret it. Bradley didn’t like being called a liar. Colin only ever did so in jest, with a clearly teasing tone. Katie, brave Katie, was always a bit bolder than him but she had been raised in liberty and exception. He, on the other hand, had been taught to be cautious of mixing volatile substances. Bradley could sometimes be extremely volatile and touchy, Colin knew, but he had not expected the same of Laura. It was wrong of him, but he remembered his ex-girlfriend as she always had been before. She had always been gentle and pleasant, if a bit shy until she felt more at ease around him. That was probably when Colin had first smiled to himself with the quiet pleasure of a boy who knew he was loved by his girlfriend. The dissolving of their relationship had evidently changed her as much as it had hurt him; the only difference was that Laura’s anger had somehow turned into the simmering bitter fury that had now, while confronting Bradley over Colin, reached boiling point. Nothing good would come of this, but neither of them would listen if he spoke up. Angry and hurt people never did listen properly.

The sound of flesh meeting flesh reached Colin’s ears, a sharp sound that made him frown at his boyfriend and ex-girlfriend quizzically. Laura wrung her hands, her anger tempered by shock and regret for a single moment before she crossed her arms and nodded firmly. “You deserved that slap, Jameson. You know why? Because you’re a sexist, pathetic jerk and I don’t know why any of your friends tolerate you. Only girls talk about their feelings, hmm?” For the second time, a pale hand was thrown in Colin’s direction. Once again, Colin didn’t move from his uncomfortable position of leaning against the wall. If Laura could possibly have found a way to leave him out of this argument every once in a while, he would have appreciated her help more. “If only girls talk about their feelings then how did you and Colin get together? Why did Colin need to talk to someone about how he was feeling? Are you calling your boyfriend a girl? Oh, maybe you’re recanting your sudden homosexuality?” Her voice cooled enough to have frozen the water in the air around them as Laura stared at Bradley darkly. “Maybe your father should have taught you about the equality of women in society while you were growing up, Jameson. You’d still be an emotionally-stunted, possessive bastard but you might not have grown into such a chauvinist jerk.”

“You did everything but actually ask Colin to break up with me,” Laura maintained quietly. For a second, just a too-short second that made Colin glance away and flush with shame, her dark expression melted away, leaving behind the shy, sweet girl that he had loved and moped over when she broke up with him. “Maybe it wasn’t a conscious decision,” she admitted, her voice soft and pained as she acknowledged Colin’s eternal defence of his best friend and boyfriend. “But, Jameson, you were never going to let Colin go. Not even when you knew he would always return to you in the end; not even when he was happy. With me. Something inside you hated that, for once, someone else had more of him than you did. And that’s why I don’t think you love him, not really. You just want to have as much of him as you possibly can, and Colin deserves better; he deserves so much better. But, for some inexplicable reason that I don’t think even he understands, you’re his choice. Stop messing it up.”

Colin smiled crookedly, his fingers tight around Bradley’s hands. They still weren’t perfect, and they never would be because there would always be arguments and misunderstandings and complications, but they were getting better. Colin would learn to coax Bradley into talking to him about how he felt, if he had to, and he would also have to learn to go to Bradley for reassurance and answers about their relationship. His best friend – boyfriend – would probably never be entirely enthused about the concept of talking about how they felt and trying to puzzle out the facets of their relationship but they would both have to do it. After all, running away didn’t seem to be doing either of them any good. “I will mess up,” Colin admitted, “and you probably will too. That’s natural. But if you ever,” he squeezed Bradley’s hands with enough pressure to be slightly painful as emphasis, “say that you’re not good enough, whether for me, your idiot father or anyone else, then I will happily throw you into the lake. Got it?”

Hearing that Bradley loved him was almost too much, made him want to flee quicker than Bradley could catch him, but Colin forced himself to stay where he was. It wasn’t like the sentiment wasn’t reciprocated, at least to some extent. Colin would still need a while to sit down by himself, head in hands, and fully come to terms with how he felt about his best friend. Denial had kept him from doing that before, and he had nearly wrecked everything because of it. Colin simply couldn’t allow that to happen a second time. He did already know one thing though because he had known that even when they were just friends. There was a tinge of something different to it, certainly, but he would figure that out later. “I love you too, and you already know that I can’t lose you. So we had better find a way to work through this together because neither of us have been happy today.”

[Bradley Jameson]

Bradley heard it before he felt it: a resounding sting that echoed along the empty corridor and thrummed dangerously against his ear drums. Seconds later, the pain began to vibrate across his cheek, already flaring red from the impact of Laura's palm. Bradley's face was turned to the side from the blow, away from Colin, which was a small mercy. He felt a rush of accompanying anger, but it was mixed with uncertainty; a part of Bradley felt like he deserved the slap. It didn't - couldn't - change anything, couldn't undo the past and make his mistakes non-existent... but it was something. So Bradley let Laura hit him; he let her, because she was a girl and he was a well-bred gentlemen... and because he deserved it.

"I wish he were a girl!" Bradley snapped back at Laura, head wrenched towards her again and eyes blazing fury. "If he were a girl, it would be easier! Everything would be so much easier!" He choked on his tongue, thick in his mouth, and resisted swallowing it. "But it doesn't matter what he is," Bradley continued, a little quieter, but with the same firm conviction. "As long as he's Colin... As long as he's Colin, I will always... always, damn it." Bradley wanted to slam his head into the stone wall. He wanted Laura to slap him again. He wanted pain. He wanted Laura and Colin to take their retribution.

Bradley took Laura's words this time - harsh, bitter, but not necessarily lies - without reply. He let them sink into his mind, one shot after another, like bullets; let them bury there and bleed him dry inside. "I don't know how," he eventually croaked when Laura had stopped talking. "I don't know how to make things right. I don't know anything at all about this. I know Colin. I know him like the back of my hand. But I don't know this. This is... this is like a dream, a sick, sick dream I can't control." Bradley looked miserable, worn out, tired of shouting. "I love him," he said with finality, looking Laura in the eye. "But I never said I deserved him."

And then Colin was there, and Bradley was staring into his wide blue eyes - familiar, warm, forgiving. Bradley knew he was crying; tears running down his face like a girl. He knew he'd just bared his soul to not only his best friend, but his best friend's ex-girlfriend, more than he was ever comfortable with. But what mattered right now was Colin, and his kind, loving words, and his kind, loving hands. Bradley could only nod dumbly in response to Colin's question, eventually allowing a half amused chuckle when Colin mentioned the word 'happy'. "No," Bradley murmured, eyes flickering shut. "No."

By the time Bradley had reopened his eyes, Laura was gone. There was nothing and no one beyond Colin's shoulder, and Bradley felt something in his gut clench painfully. He ignored it, though - ignored the need to say I'm sorry, I'm so sorry over and over because it wasn't Bradley Jameson - and instead untangled himself from Colin and drew away. He wiped the evidence of tears away from his pale face and sought to quickly regain his composure. After clearing his throat loudly and earning a small smile from Colin, which he returned, Bradley motioned towards the Common Room. "Let's go. I... I need sleep." Bradley's smile was crooked, tired, but it was content as Colin fell into step beside him, and they shuffled quietly back to their dormitory. There was peace for now.