Every Girl is Entitled to her Secrets (Casey)

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie sat up from the floor, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead. She had just finished her three hundred and thirty third sit-up. Sure, she was exhausted and all, but she would keep going anyway. Her back may have been sore and bruised from sitting on the cold wooden floor for so long, but she didn’t care. Casey was on the bed, watching Ezzie exercise while she talked endlessly about Carson. Ezzie rolled her eyes, but didn’t dare speak. It was a wasted breath she could have been using toward losing some of that fat in her body. She had almost achieved her goal, but there was still a long way to go before Ezzie could call herself perfect. Ezzie had had many small fainting spells in the past, but she had become experienced after the first few. The first fainting spell she’d ever had was in the middle of History of Magic. Professor Binns was just naturally clueless, so he hadn’t noticed. However, Casey was standing right there when it happened. Ezzie woke up after a few moments of Casey trying to shake her awake. She merely shrugged it off saying she had fallen asleep. The next time, she was in the Student Lounge. Ezzie had just returned from a four mile jog, and she had collapsed the second she reached the warmth and comfort of the lounge. Casey and Carson rushed to her side, but like always, she just got right back up again and blamed exhaustion or sleepiness. Technically, Ezzie wasn’t lying, because she was exhausted. Of course, there was more to the story, but no one needed to know that. Every girl is entitled to their own little secrets. Ezzie thought to herself. Telling Casey and Carson would simply worry them more than they needed to be. Ezzie had it all under control. She didn’t need to worry her friends.

Ezzie exhaled deeply, sitting up. “Three hundred ninety-nine…four hundred.” Ezzie spoke out loud proudly. She sounded obviously out of breath, but that was understandable. Casey complained about being hungry, and Ezzie managed not to roll her eyes. It was about half past one, and Ezzie and Casey had been in their dorm all day talking. “Alright fine, I’ll come to lunch with you. But only if I get to jog outside afterwards.” Ezzie said, folding her arms across her chest. Casey didn’t like the fact that Ezzie worked out so much, but she just didn’t understand. Ezzie needed to work out. There was no other way to forget the pain she was going through. There was her music of course, but her music was not going to help her lose weight. Working out would. It was as simple as that.

When Ezzie and Casey walked into the Great Hall, Ezzie felt all eyes glued to her. People were staring at Ezzie in her ripped jeans and tight black fitted t-shirt. Professors were giving her dirty looks, but they couldn’t do anything about Ezzie’s attire today, for today was Saturday. Behind her, she heard the voices of two older Gryffindor boys. She didn’t know their names, but she had seen them around the common room before. One winked at her and she scowled. They laughed and high-fived each other, making Ezzie roll her eyes. “Man, that Ezzie Mendez is a knockout.” Then he laughed loudly. “Literally.” The crowd around him laughed and Ezzie walked straight on, pretending she hadn’t heard their words. Ezzie’s personality had changed a lot since Winter Holiday. Or rather, it had changed since Ethan’s death. Her style in both her music and her clothing was darkened an extreme amount. Her personality was much more venomous and much less trusting. But her attitude toward Casey and Carson hadn’t changed at all. When she was with them, she felt like her old self again. It reminded her of the times when Carson, Casey, Ethan, and Ezzie used to sit together right here. But then Ezzie would look to Ethan’s old seat and when she didn’t see him there, she’d remember he was dead. Ezzie watched as Carson and Casey talked and ate happily. Carson passed a plate of chicken over to her. Ezzie looked down at it, trying to hide her look of disgust. No such luck. “Ezzie, is there something wrong with the chicken? By the way you’re eyeing those things, I’d think they were poison.” Carson said, between bites. They might as well be. Ezzie muttered under her breath. “What was that? I didn’t catch that last sentence Ezzie.”

Ezzie glanced around. The Great Hall fell silent. It seemed everyone was watching to see if Ezzie would take the chicken. Ezzie picked one up gingerly. “I said wow, these look so good!” Ezzie said as she took a bite. The Great Hall returned to its usual volume and Ezzie felt warmth enter her body. All she wanted to do was eat. She gulped the food down quickly as if she hadn’t eaten in weeks. But then again, she really hadn’t eaten in weeks. Once Ezzie swallowed the last bite of food, she felt guilty again. Ezzie took a sip of water, but the taste was still there. Repulsed by what she had done, Ezzie got up from her seat quickly. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She said quickly. Ezzie didn’t wait for an answer before she started heading for the door. She swallowed hard. She hated lying to her friends. Every girl is entitled to her secrets. Ezzie said to herself. Suddenly, she didn’t feel all that bad about lying to Casey and Carson anymore.

[Casey Allen G5]

“You know, I wish I could paint him a picture or something.” Casey said as she lied on her back and looked up to the ceiling. She then rolled over and smiled to Ezzie. “After all, he paints stuff for me.” She smiled and laughed. She sighed. “I wish I could write him a song, but.” Casey’s relationship with Carson was difficult. After all, she couldn’t tell them about her “alter life” nor was she ready to. Plus, with Ethan’s dead and everything, Casey wasn’t sure if Carson was ready for another surprise. Casey shook her head and looked at Ezzie. She knew that she was probably boring Ezzie to death. Casey shook her head lightly. She had just talked about Carson for a good twenty minutes. She couldn’t help it. She cared about him. Casey eyed Ezzie. Lately, Ezzie had been weird. She was always working out, running and doing sit-ups. The old Ezzie wasn’t like this at all. Then again, the old Ezzie existed before Ethan before Ethan died. Casey worried about Ezzie. After all, she had a little fainting type spell during class one day and then in the Student Lounge one day. Casey didn’t understand it. Why was Ezzie like this? Casey knew that Ezzie wasn’t over Ethan’s death yet, but Casey just wanted the normal Ezzie back. She sighed and looked to her friend.

“Jeez, Ezzie. Do you ever get tired of that?” She asked as she stood up from the bed. Casey sighed and walked over to her friend. “Get up. You need a break and I’m starving.” She said as her stomach growled. She laughed. “Up, up.” Casey shook her head when Ezzie said that she wanted to run after. Ezzie’s actions worried Casey. She didn’t understand. “Ezzie, can’t you take a break from that for once? Do something else. Hey write a new song. You need more for the album, right?” Casey eyed her friend. Both girls were at work on an album. Of course Casey was working on one as Eden Sweden. Casey eyed her friend and the grabbed her sweater. At least Ezzie was coming down to the Great Hall. She had been avoiding it lately.

Casey rolled her eyes as she and Ezzie entered the Great Hall. She couldn’t help it. She was tired of them talking about Ezzie. She was tired of all the lies. She just wanted them to go away. Couldn’t everyone just get a life and stop talking about Ezzie? She hadn’t done anything wrong. But, Aimee Sinclair and Her mum made darn sure that Ezzie was the most talked about and hated girl everywhere. Casey hated them. She hated them for doing this to her best-friend. Casey had a lot of anger in her since the fight in London, but she also had a lot of love. Carson did that to her. She sighed. She was a new person really. But she was good at hiding it. Casey turned around when she heard a boy make a comment at Ezzie. She was tired of it. She couldn’t take it anymore. “The key to a good bring-down is to make someone cry. Opps. Ezzie isn’t crying. You loose.” She said looking the boy straight in the eyes. She could feel every eye in the Great Hall looking at her, but she ignored them all. Casey then walked after Ezzie. Casey had never done anything like that before in her life. But, she didn’t care. She was sick of the rumors. Casey smiled as she sat down next to Carson at the table. She pretended like nothing had just happened. She smiled and began eating a salad. Casey eyed Ezzie as she gave a look at the chicken. “You okay?” She asked. Ezzie had been acting weird lately. Casey knew that Ethan’s death had devastated Ezzie, but she her friend was getting worse, not better. Casey just wanted Ezzie to feel better.

Casey looked around the hall and then back at Ezzie. She eyed her as she ate the chicken. What was up with her best friend? Casey knew that Ezzie had been acting extremely weird. Casey just couldn’t determine what was wrong. Casey frowned as she watched Ezzie. After eating a bite of chicken, Ezzie pretty much bolted from the Great Hall. Casey looked to Carson. “I’m going to go check on her. I’ll be back in a minute.” She smiled and left after Ezzie. Casey was worried. She was more worried about Ezzie now than she was after Ethan’s death. It had been nearly months and Ezzie hadn’t shown many signs of getting better. Casey knew that this was not a good thing. Casey silently entered the girl’s bathroom. She heard noises. Someone was sick or something. “Ezzie?” Casey asked. Casey walked around and finally came to the stall where the noises were coming from. Her eyes widened at the sight in front of her. Ezzie was leaning over the toilet. Her hand was covered in puke. Casey eyes Ezzie. She nearly felt like crying. “Ezzie. What have you done?” She asked while a tear fell from her eyes. “I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” Now it all made since. The fainting, the exercising, the weird eating habits. And the lies. Casey tried to ignore them, but they were there. The lies. Casey sniffled and eyed her friend. She didn’t even know what else to say.

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie felt bad that she couldn’t tell Casey about her feelings. She really did. But she knew what she was doing was best for both herself and Casey. Casey was better off not knowing. She sighed, letting out a breath of air. Her throat was dry and sore. It must just be from the intense workout. “Nope,” She said between breaths. “I don’t…get…tired…this…keeps…me…busy…” She said, suddenly wishing she hadn’t spoken. She could barely breathe, and she barely had the strength to even do another sit-up. But strength had nothing to do with it. Success had nothing to do with strength. It simply had to do with determination. If Ezzie had the determination to do more sit-ups, the strength would come. If she had the determination to keep certain things a secret from Casey, then the strength to do it would eventually follow. That was how Ezzie saw it. After Casey finally persuaded Ezzie to get up, she started on her usual rant. It was something about doing something else, finding a new hobby, writing another song, blah, blah, blah. She’d heard it all before. “Case, I’ve told you a million times. I’ve got no inspiration to write songs right now. I’ve been trying for weeks. The lyrics just don’t come to me. You’ve got it easy. All you have to do is ask your dad to write you one, and he does it. I wish I could have a dad like that.” Ezzie sighed. She didn’t want to think about the many things Casey had that Ezzie didn’t. The amazing family, the money, the double identity, a boyfriend, happiness…the list was endless. Ezzie didn’t want to think about it. But despite what she didn’t want to do, she did it anyway. It was just her way of being rebellious; even to herself.

She had endured the stares and whispers of the Great Hall long enough. People’s eyes seemed to be glued to the back of Ezzie’s head. She didn’t dare turn around, or be forced to face the zillions of eyes that were staring right at her. And this is just another reason to hate the Great Hall. She muttered under her breath. She had ben muttering things under her breath ever since birth. Ethan always used to joke about Ezzie going insane. Nowadays, Ezzie had no doubt in her mind that she was going insane. But that was a completely different story. It was yet another subject Ezzie didn’t want to think about. Finally, she’d had enough of the noise and the stench of grease and fat that lingered in the air. She excused herself from the table and snuck out, hoping for the minimal amount of people to see her. She didn’t want to cause any more commotion than had already been caused as a result of what she was about to do. She hummed some random tune to herself as she walked to the deserted bathroom upstairs in the fifth floor corridor. She let her feet carry her to the familiar destination. She had traveled there often before Ethan’s death. After he died, Ezzie didn’t have much use of the bathroom, since she simply didn’t eat anymore. She absentmindedly bent over the toilet and rolled up her sleeves.

Moments later, Ezzie was bent over the toilet puking her guts out. She couldn’t hear a thing. All she heard was the ever so familiar sound of getting rid of the filth in her body. She heard a gasp from behind her and she swallowed down whatever was about to spill out into the toilet. It was not a pleasant taste, but it wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as seeing Casey standing in shock right in front of her. Ezzie voided meeting Casey’s eyes as she walked over to the sink. She didn’t say a word. She ran her hands under the hot water, hoping it would warm the cold feeling Ezzie had inside. She had been discovered. There was no hiding Ezzie’s secret from her best friend now. She was shaking. Ezzie turned around, her hands still drenched with hot water. Tears streamed down her cheeks almost rhythmically. “Casey…I…I didn’t know how to tell you. I know we said no more secrets, but it just seemed so much better for the both of us if you didn’t know!” Ezzie pleaded with her friend. She needed Casey to understand why Ezzie had lied to her. She needed her to understand she had not meant to hurt her friend. But somehow, no matter how Ezzie tried to explain herself, it all came down to Ezzie’s lies.

Ezzie felt cold and heavy from guilt, but she also felt weak and lightheaded from what had happened. She felt her chest tighten. She reached into her pocket for her inhaler. Her hands were shaking violently. She needed to sit down and rest. She finally gripped her inhaler, but it fell out of her trembling hands when she took it out. She picked it up and pressed the button, inhaling the medicated air. She felt like she was floating. This was not a good feeling. Ezzie had experienced the effects of her dieting before, but never like this. Ezzie’s diet combined with her medicine combined with the stress of the situation she was in could not be good. She rubbed her head and sat on the cold tiled floor. “I’m so sorry Casey. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. I should have told you.”

[Casey Allen G5]

Casey couldn’t say anything. She didn’t know what to say. How was she supposed to respond to this? What was she supposed to do? Ezzie promised. They both promised that they wouldn’t have any more secrets. And they hadn’t. At least Casey hadn’t. Casey told Ezzie everything. Everything about that night and Hanson, everything about her and Carson, everything about Eden. Casey wanted Ezzie to know everything. Now it all felt like one big lie. Casey thought that things at changed. Yea, things had been hard since Ethan’s death and Casey knew that Ezzie was keeping things from her, but she didn’t know this. Casey wasn’t ready for this. She was mad and she had no idea how to handle it. What was she supposed to do? On one hand, her best friend needed her. On the other, Ezzie had lied to her. She had been lying to her for months and months. What was Casey supposed to do, smoke and pretend that everything was fine? It wasn’t fine. It was the opposite of fine and both Casey and Ezzie knew this. Casey’s mouth was wide opened. She couldn’t find the words to say. She didn’t want to find them.

Casey stood still as Ezzie rushed to the sink. Casey didn’t even turn to face her. She just stared at the wall and listened to Ezzie try and explain or something. She didn’t care. All that she cared about was that her best-friend was lying to her. Not only that, her best-friend was hurting herself. Casey turned to Ezzie as she heard her friend’s slowing in breath. Even though she was hurt, Casey was about to go help Ezzie, but she had it under control. Casey knew about Ezzie’s asthma and obviously, it wasn’t making the situation any better. Casey finally turned to face her. She searched for the words for a long time, but after a minute. They seemed to just spill out. “Better for who Ezzie? Better for you. It was better for you because you were lying to me and you didn’t care!” She screamed. “If you cared you would have told me.” Casey shook her head slightly. She wanted to leave. She wanted to jet out, tell Carson and cry in his arms. But she couldn’t. She had to face this. She had to end this.

“Yea, this sucks Ezzie, but it’s more than that.” She shook her head. “You’re hurting yourself. You can die from this!” She screamed. “All these months, I knew something was wrong, but I knew that you weren’t over Ethan’s death so I let you keep up your secrets even if I knew they couldn’t be good. But I never imagined this Ezzie.” Tears fell from her eyes. “Ethan wouldn’t want you to be this way. Actually, Ethan would do whatever he could to get you to stop.” Casey sniffled. “This is more than not being over Ethan, Ezzie. This is you hurting yourself and your body. This is you changing before my eyes. And this is you trashing what Ethan wanted for you. He wanted you to be happy and look what you’ve done.” Casey took a deep breath. “You look miserable and so am I.” She said finally. Casey looked to Ezzie and then shook her head and eyed herself in the mirror. She had no more words. At least not for the time being. Casey eyed Ezzie’s reflection. What was she supposed to do?

[Esmeralda Mendez]

Ezzie could see the battle going on in Casey’s head. She wanted to be mad at Ezzie for lying, but she wanted to ‘help’ her as well. Honestly, Ezzie didn’t believe she needed any help. She knew how to carry herself. Sure, she tended to faint at random moments in the day, and she did tend to feel like she was floating half of the time, but she really would stop soon. She just had to push things a bit further, just until she was perfect. Then all would be fine, and she could return back to her normal self. She would start eating again, and she’d never do what she just did again. That’s it. End of story. But for now, Ezzie had to keep things going. She needed to keep up with what she was doing for just a bit longer and she’d be fine.

Ezzie shuddered a bit, remembering the hysteria of that morning. Casey had still been sleeping, but this morning, when Ezzie looked under her pillow to see Ethan’s letter, it wasn’t there. She searched frantically for it, and it was nowhere. Then, she tried to run off the stress of losing her letter. She almost ran headfirst into a mysterious owl that dropped a neat white envelope on her head. Someone had the letter. Someone had Ezzie’s letter. She tried to keep things together, so she started working out again. It really worked. All those sit-ups and laps around the grounds had effectively taken her mind off things. She was too concerned about her goal that she didn’t think about the letter. When she was exercising or sitting here in the bathroom, she was able to block out her troubles. All she could think about was her goal. Perfection. Ezzie wanted to be perfect, and nothing would stand in her way of that.

Ezzie rubbed her temples, barely able to speak. “You don’t think I cared?” She cried out hysterically through tears. She absentmindedly waved her wand to soundproof the room and continued on. “Of course I cared that I was lying to you! I cared every time I’d sneak away. You have no idea how hard things have been for me! It’s just that I knew that if you found out, things would be harder for the both of us. You’re right Casey, it was easier for me. But don’t think for a second I didn’t consider my friends before I did this. You were just starting to get over Ethan’s death, Casey! And you were so happy with Carson. I just didn’t want to ruin that for you. You had so many things on your mind already. I didn’t want to be just another burden. Don’t you understand?” Ezzie stared at the ceiling as tears fell down her cheeks. She ran her hand through her dark hair and shook her head. She couldn’t listen to this. She needed to get away. But she had to get through this. Casey already knew. She couldn’t be protected from the truth any longer. Ezzie had to make her understand that what Ezzie was doing was right.

“No. You’re wrong. This-“ Ezzie jabbed her finger at the opened bathroom stall. “This is what’s best for me. It’s what keeps me from jumping off the Astronomy tower and joining Ethan. Although after what I’ve done to him, I doubt I’ll end up where he is when the time does come. But that’s not the point. The point is that I can’t take it anymore! Everyone wants me to look like this, act like that, and be the person I’m not. I can’t take it! I can’t stand the way people look at me, Casey! You see the way I’m treated around here! Everyone thinks I killed him! And so what if I did? Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but I did…and that’s the truth, whether I like it or not.” Ezzie couldn’t believe she was admitting this to Casey, but she couldn’t find the strength to stop. She’d never want to open this can of worms, but the can was open, and the worms were starting to squirm right before Ezzie’s eyes. “I have to fix myself, and if this is the only way to do it, then so be it! Do you want me to die, Casey? Because if I can’t help myself, then there’s no reason for me to be here. I’ve helped myself for years, and I don’t see any reason to stop now. I’ve worked hard for the money in my pocket, and if I don’t continue to help myself even though I’m miserable, then I may not be here much longer. So think what you want, Casey. But this is what’s best for me.” Ezzie got up and stormed out of the bathroom, leaving Casey there alone. It was the first fight she and Casey had ever gotten into. Casey had always been there to support Ezzie, no matter what. But now Ezzie was alone. She had to fend for herself now.