Consider This ((Closed))

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

"I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting, don't give me choices 'cos I can't decide. My mind is soaked with words, I've come to terms with all my insecurities and purities are no friend of mine." Dixie looked up from the diary she was reading, when had she written that? She looked at the date and then shrugged, it was awhile ago - nearly two years ago actually. Her eyes went to the previous diaries she had read that were now scattered around in her a large semi circle. She sat with her back against her bed and all the books she still needed to read stacked nicely in front of her. These journals were from when she was able to write to now, and Dixie had written many interesting things in them. Dixie looked back down at the diary entry and continued to read of the lyrics she had written when she was going through her musical phase, "And dreaming doesn't do no good 'cos I don't wanna lie that I'm okay and I'm all right. I'd rather take it and forget it. Consider this a warning. Cos I'll start another fight, and you'll say it's all alright, I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you baby. So lay your hands over me, and feel what you only see but don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me."

"Heh..." Dixie closed the diary and slid it to the other diaries she had found odd. She picked up the next diary and began to read, "She gets everything. Everything. The beauty, the talent, the money, the voice to say things we all aren't able to say. Everything. I'm not jealous. I'm not envious, which are the same things. I'm baffled. How could someone like her? A halfblood dropped into a pureblooded world? Get so much power when me, a true pureblood has barely any? Well, one of these days I'm going to show her. I'm going to show her, Daddy, and Mum that I am better than Mackenzie Sara. I am." Dixie smirked and shook her head at this entry. This entry was ridiculous. Was she really that spoiled? Was she still that spoiled? A sigh escaped her lips as she turned the page and came upon the entry she had written a month or so after the other one. Quickly, she closed that diary and placed it in the 'to be burned' pile. She reached for a more recent one. This diary was black leather with her name written on it in gold lettering. She opened it and was shocked to see the heading, Day 1 of Insanity. Oh, God...

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Day 1 of Insanity

Inside I was kicking and screaming but on the outside I seemed to be just a shell. No one was the wiser. I was throwing a huge fit with each step of my stylish heeled boots I made. Each time the hell of either boot made contact with the ground a new scream issued ijnside of my head. When the limousine pulled up to the hospital there was a piercing and horrifying shriek. I knew what this was and yet I couldn't do anything about it. I no longer had control of my life. 'Get ahold of yourself, Dixie,' I had thought, 'You lost control of your life a long time ago.' The truth had never scared me more. Even as I followed my ever so loving parents up the stone steps, onto the porch, and into the hospital; the idea that I have become something that my parents can't deal with wasn't as scary as the idea that I lost my control years and years ago. I hated not having control over my life. Especially this aspect of it.

'This better not cost much.' he complained. He couldn't even care long enough to not worry about his precious money. Money was always the most implrtant thing to him. Always. Mack never won a place in his heart, I never did, and Mum had to have had once in their life. Why else would they have married? Well, besides the whole arranged marriage thing. Mum thought love meant to do whatever he said and he didn't know the meaning of love. He couldn't love anyone anymore than he could give money to charity. He whispered promises and hope into your ears so you'd fall and he'd be the only one there to catch you. You were then trapped within his cluthches. You couldn't escape. I couldn't escape. I thought I was destined to go through all that went on behind locked doors forever and ever. Until one day I discovered Kurr. Kurr was like a neutral zone; no bad could come through and no good overwhelmed the occupants. The kingdom was peaceful. Sometimes the worlds would clash and the government that kept Kurr safe would come out of their castles and take control of Kurr by storm. They destroyed the neutral world and the only thing that would remain would be me. It was up to me to rebuild the kingdom. I had to restart it. I always had to restart, restore, and replenish it. It would take days. I would be in Kurr for weeks at a time, using all my magic to rebuild this magnificent kingdom that was destinged to fall again anyway.

'Do we have to leave here here? Isn't there someplace better?' I looked from Mum to him as he asked such an asanine question. People were so ignorant. Mum had given him a sharp look, one that put the fear in my stomach. Where was that look when I needed it most? Was it hidden behind hte mask of a loyal wife who didn't dare think about standing up to her darling husband? Was that really a mask at all? Regardless, where was that strong woman? 'You mean someplace cheaper,' Mum knew him better than he thought. Was are you going to do now dear daddy? 'Is that so wrong? To want to save money while in the process of helping our daughter?' By now my inside me was screaming again, protesting; but the outside me did nothing but stand there and stare. Mum was quite upset at that reply, but she didn't do much. She had matured a bit. At least I thought she had. Years before she had been absolutely lifeless. A sodding mess, really. It's about bloody time she took up her control of life and stood up for her children. Even if one was already destroyed.

Before all hell could break loose, a door opened and a man about a couple of years older than me stepped into the room in which we were standing. He had blonde curly hair that he kept trimmed around his ears. His eyes shone like two deep eneralds and were set perfectly apart; not too close to each other and not too far away. He stood about six feet tall and looked physically fit. I found myself wondering why he wanted to waste his life in a place full of crazy people. 'Mr. and Mrs. Holden?' The boy-doctor asked as he looked Mum and him over. Mum immediately shook her head, indicating they were getting a divorce. Perhaps that was where she had gotten the strength. All the resentment she had held inside for years. The boy-doctor nodded apologetically and then motioned toward a door which I assumed led to his office. He went in first, followed by Mum, then by me, and then by the boy-doctor. He was already sitting as the boy-doctor closed the door behind us. Mum was still at my side, ready to catch me if I fell. Too bad I had already fallen. She didn't know that, though, so I had decided to humour her.

It took awhile for everyone to get settled and for the boy-doctor to start talking. He introduced himself as Doctor Matt Fried and went on to say how long he had been in the looney bin profession. My words; not his. He was only twenty and had studied psychology for many years; even before he had graduated from school. I wondered if he had attended a magical school. That was all cleared up when he spoke about the magical remedies and privegeles each patient was given. I could tell by the look on Mum's face that she wasn't happy with my being called a patient. It seemed like years before they left and I was taken to my room. I was to share with a girl from Beauxbatons. She was half-veela and bulimic. At the moment, she's fast asleep above me on the top bunk. I'm writing and wondering about life of insanity.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Day 2 of Insanity

My parents must have thought that putting me here was the best thing for me. Why else would they have done something so terrible and idiotic? It had to be because they thought they knew what was best for me and they were failing quite miserably in that aspect. Today proved that more than anything else possibly could. For the most part this place isn't too terriblle. I mean, aside from the whole me not belonging here thing, I like it a lot more than I do the manor. They have some rather okay things to do, so not I'm not completely bored out of my skull. I'd still rather be at Hogwarts than here, though. How I was going to get there, I wasn't so sure until I was called into my first session with Dr. Fried. I knew they were coming. These horrible sessions, and I knew they were unavoidable as well. I couldn't do anything to get out of them, not anything. I had to cooperate. I wasn't happy about that. I don't do cooperation. I just don't. Especially now with everything that is going on. No one seems to understand that. Not even my own two parents. How pathetic. Well, what could I expect of them? They were two morons who didn't know their left from their right.

The moment I stepped into the session room, my inside me started to scream again and the outside me started to become a shell. I was used to it by then, always clamming up into a shell whenever I experienced something unpleasant. It wasn't a new experience and it wasn't one I enjoyed either. I took a seat in the steel chair that was set facing a desk with another chair behind it. It wasn't very welcoming, even Kurr at that moment seemed to be warmer. I sat there, wringing my hands over the rubber bracelet they had slipped on my frail wrist when I had arrived and had been checked in. It was the only thing tying me to the real world. If I hadn't been wearing it, Kurr would be the only thing I saw. The door opened again and the boy-doctor stepped in wearing a white lab coat and looked at a paper on a clipboard. He 'hummed' and 'hahed' for a few moments and then sat down at the desk. 'Well,' he started, as he set the clipboard down on his desk and smiled at me, 'how was your first night here? Your room mate just fine? She hasn't given anyone else any problems, so I was almost positive you two would get along great.' I didn't move. My face was stolid and I just stared. He sat there a moment and then stared back before shifting to his papers. He opened his mouth to speak again but I spoke before he could.

'Cell mate.' 'Beg pardon?' 'Cell mate. Not room mate. That is not a room. That's a cell with holes for windows and hay for a bed.' Of course I was exaggerating. The room wasn't terribly horrible. It had a bunk bed, two dressers, a mirror that was charmed unbreakable, and a nice window with a view. The window also didn't have any bars. But, hey, I was crazy. For all he knew, that's what I saw. 'Well, I can assure you Dixie, it's one of our best rooms.' 'Great, I wonder what the worst ones look like.' He smiled and then continued to look at his paperwork. I didn't know whether he found me amusing or he was using the smile as a mask for the pain that I had caused. I often wondered what emotions were really portrayed across the face, and which ones were just masks to hide the hurt or the anger. 'Let's say we get to know each other a bit, shall we?' 'Fine. Are you married? Have kids? Are you happy with your life Doc?' I wasn't going to allow myself to be poked and prodded at when it came to things such as this. This was my world, my life. What they saw as insane, I saw as livable. I wouldn't spill any secrets. Kurr needed to be rebuilt soon... if these sessions kept me from rebuilding it... the Government would not be happy.

'No, I'm not married and no I haven't any kids. I'm rather happy with my life because I love what I do. Now, I've answered your questions. Will you answer mine?' I watched him with eyes that were suspicious. Was he answering my questions honestly? I had to give him the benefit of the doubt or else I wasn't going to ever get out of this place. 'Sure. I'll answer yours.' I didn't say if I would answer them honestly. He wrote something down on his notepad and I arched my neck a bit, curious as to what he was writing. Maybe it was something along the lines of 'consented to talk wonder how long she'll spill her secrets.' Well I have news for you Doc, I'm not going to tell anything. The Government would have my head on a silver platter if I did.

The session continued for about an hour. They weren't really personal questions, the ones that he asked. They were questions like; 'what's your favourite food?' or 'have you always lived with both of your parents?' He even asked me individual questions about each member in my family. When he came to him, I froze up and wouldn't speak. Perhaps that was telling to much without having to say anything. Doctors like this always seemed to find answers for the questions without hearing anything from their patients mouth. The session ended with me telling him about Mack and her ever so wonderful music. Then an attendant came in and lead me back to the B ward. Lucille was already getting ready for supper and she offered to eat with me but I told her I would just take my meal in here. I wonder where it is, it's been ten minutes since I ordered it.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Day 3 of Insanity

They've called for me. They're ready for me to return to build the walls around Kurr again. I don't believe I am ready to leave this world. People here understand as much as they can about me. The Government in Kurr might protect me as much as it can, but it never takes the timethat it bearly has to spare to get to know me. I am torn between returning to Kurr, the land that has shielded me from any more pain, and staying on Earth in this hospital where I'm understood at least enough to be allowed to live. It doesn't matter how much the people at the hospital actually understand the things I do, as much as how they understand it. How do they understand me and the things I do? Is there some special school that makes them realize these things and to be able to understand them?

I asked a question similar to that in my last session with Doc. 'How is it that all of you doctors here are able to control and monitor my every move before I know I'm even going to make it?' Doc looked up from his yellow legal pad as I broke the heavy silence that had engulfed us for the past half hour. It had taken a great deal to even ask the question, I had to link words together so he could understand the confusion that was muddled up in my head. Doc watched me for a moment, twiddling his thumb and pen. After a moment of silence, he smiled and summed it up in one word, 'Magic.' I know magic. I use magic every day and I use magic to restore Kurr. What type of magic allows you to know someone's every move before they make it? Was it some form of Divination? Perhaps there wasn't any type of magic that could do that and perhaps Doc was just pulling my lef. He must have seen the apprehensive look on my face because his smile wilted and he shifted his notepad to his other knee. That was the end of the session.

Usually the sessions are the only interesting part of my days, but not today. Being in Ward B has always been boring, for all three days I've been here. There are four separate wards at Bethlem. Ward Single A is the simple ward; people who are only semi-crazy or pretend to be crazy. Ward Double B is the intermediate ward; people like me who are still sane enough to lead lives but their parents won't let them. Ward Triple C is the ward for the slightly more insane; people in there aren't completely nuts/suicidal/homicidal but they aren't able to live in the outside world. The last ward is Ward Quadruple D. Ward Quadruple D is also known as the disturbed ward. This ward contains those who are suicidal/homicidal, those who did damage to themselves before or during their stay at Bethlem. Out of all the wards, Ward B is the wrost for one simple reason. Boring. Ward A is full of fakes and dramatics so it's at least entertaining. Ward C is very dark but the patients give the doctors on their floor a hard time. Ward D never ceases to put on a good show. Ward B is in between. No dramatics. Nothing. Everyone in Ward B is afraid of Ward D, they're all afraid of going up there one day.

Today, Lucille decided to sit by me during arts and crafts. I sent her an icy look. We are cell mates, yes, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to be best of friends with her. She simply smiled at me like a stupid fool and then started to cut the play dough with the stupid plastic knife they kept wrapped with bubble wrap. I watched her a moment and then decided she wasn't worth my hatred, so I returned to the drawing I had been working on. I could hear it coming and I could feel the floor start to fall beneath my feet. 'Come back, Dix. There is nothing there for you. You are needed here. In Kurr... come, Dix... come...' I had stopped drawing, apparently and had started to fall backward; causing Lucille to look up in fright. I don't remember what happened next. I blacked out and when I woke up I was wrapped in a cold but tight ice pack. I didn't panic. I let Kurr take me once more.

I woke up again and this time there were a few doctors around me. One let me out and I tried to stand, but I couldn't feel my legs. I was escorted down an unfamiliar hallway to a room that wasn't mine. It had a single bed but all of my belongings were there in a nice neat row. All except my pen, which I had kept in the binding of my journal because pens aren't allowed unless someone is there to supervise the use of it. They left me in there. I came to the conclusion rather quickly.... I was in Ward D.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Day 4 of Insanity

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Ward D is different than Ward B. When you're down on Ward B, you think everything on Ward D is so frightening, but it's not much scarier than the other 3 wards. In fact it's much more peaceful. There isn't a need to watch what you say or do. People don't care because you're all nuts anyway. I wasn't quite sure why I had been sent up to Ward D. So I asked Dox at our last session. 'Why was I moved up 2 wards?' The question seemed to surprise him quite a bit, as if I should have been able to remember. I waited as patiently as I could and then started to grow agitated. He noticed and then smiled as comfortingly as a psychiatrist could. 'Do you remember anything about two days ago in the arts centre?' I nodded slowly and then began to recount everything I remembered. Doc nodded in agreement and when I finished he leaned back in his chair.

'You can't remember anything about the pencil and Lucille?' I shook my head, what was he going on about? 'Oh, that could be a problem, Lucille had sat down beside you in the arts centre, you two were fine for 10 minutes and then you suddenly lunged at her and stabbed her with the pencil you were using to sketch. You didn't do too much damage, but it was indeed an attack worthy of moving you up.' All at once I felt the floor disappear beneath me. What I had been expecting and running from for the past day or so come upon me. I welcomed it, the familiar voice of Ganaverabia, the God of despair, surrounded me. 'You see? You are not of them, you are not of their emotions, of their life. You are otherly, and otherly you shall remain.' I closed my eyes and allowed myself to fall and fall to the bottom. I continued to fall until I reached the hard surface of the Government's castle. There I sat and weaved my magic through the air. For hours and hours I worked. Nothing else mattered except Kurr's need for my magic. Nothing. I worked hard and by the time I was done, I hardly had any energy left in me to stand and walk to the window to look at what I had restrored. Before I could even see, however, I was torn away from Kurr and dumped back onto Earth.

'You were spitting fire from your fingertips.' I heard later that day. I ignored the comments and went about my own business. Ward gossip isn't much to me. Although, I know they are talking about me. I am new to Ward D and I had an episode which I refuse to speak about. Things are a lot more interesting on this ward. When I look back at what I did to get here though, I feel slightly sick. I thought I had blacked out. But obviously I hadn't. What had made me want to do such a stupid thing? I have been trying for the past three hours to think of why I would attack the one person in this hospital that I can tolerate, and nothing seems to come to me. The Government keep telling me it doesn't matter. But I know it does. If I were Lucille, I would want to know why. I would deserve to know why.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Day 5 of Insanity

It won't leave me alone. No matter how hard I try, it keeps coming back. There's no where to run or to hide because it always finds me. It always knows where I am and where I'm going to go. I have no peace, none. At the moment is the only time I've had all day to myself. From when i woke up to just past supper time, I had no peace. I have a little now, but it's only seconds before it comes to take me to Kurr again. Will I go willingly? Or might I put up a fight? What will happen if I do put up a fight? Will Wollforten, the god of anger, lock me in the dungeons of the Government's castke? I shake to think about it. I hate the dungeouns. They're worse than any place I'e ever been. I don't want to go to the dungeons. Last time I was there I didn't come back right. Not that I was ever right, but when I returned... I was just... no there. No one could get through to me. I was off somewhere else. Perhaps recuperating from the punishment that may have been severe.

Today's session was the only thing I seemed to come alive for. Doc seemed to be pleased with that and I wanted to wipe that smug smirk off his face. I wasn't there for him, I was there for me. I wanted to get over the pain. We sat in silence. The silence that continues to engulf me forever and ever. I am never going to get rid of it, no matter how loud I scream or how long. I thought about ways to break the silence, but I didn't have to worry about it because he broke it for me. I wish he would have broken it with different news. 'Your family wants to visit you, how do you feel about that?' How did I feel? How did I feel?! 'Like I want to die. Thanks for making my day, Doc.' I saw him wince and then jott something down on his legal pad. 'Why?' 'How would you feel if the people who ruined your childhood and mind wanted to visit the only place you felt safe from them?' Oh, no. I had spoken of them. Of my past. Doc saw it and his eyes lit up before writing something down on the legal pad again. I shrank into my seat. I didn't hear anymore of the questions, I was already falling to the dungeons. I was already falling.