Share the Blame ((Rae))

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie turned the car into the Gray’s circular driveway, her mind a million miles away from where it should be. As she parked the car, Dixie looked up at the large mansion. It didn’t look as nearly as extravagant as it had the night of the accident, nor as intimidating as it had the day she had been bent to destroy Rae. This trip had a similar meaning but it also had another agenda to it. Adam had woken. He had spoken and the realization that things weren’t the same as they were before was apparent with how little he remembered. The pain in Dixie’s heart made itself noticeable again as she turned off the engine and stepped out of the car. The wind blew back her hair and stung her eyes, so the tears that were already threatening to fall actually did. She wiped at them, knowing that if Rae saw her this way, she would never see the end of it. Dixie slammed the door shut and took a deep breath before making her way up to the door. Her heels crunched on the gravel and Dixie knew that one wrong step and she would fall, but she didn’t care. She wouldn’t want to keep living if Adam didn’t remember anything about her. Adam had helped Dixie become who she was, he had helped her realize she could be more than just the stereotypical loon, and now he didn’t even remember that.

Her finger pressed down on the doorbell before she could even think about it. It was a few seconds later when the door was opened. Rae stood there, her blonde hair curled as usual. She wore a pair of jeans and a black and red top that Dixie had seen her wear often. The moment Rae saw Dixie standing there, her green eyes widened with shock and fear as if she knew that Dixie was there because of Adam. They stood there a moment and Rae opened the door wider so Dixie could step inside. The foyer was always gorgeous, regardless of whatever event was going on. Dixie closed the door behind her as she watched Rae stand there awkwardly, obviously waiting for Dixie’s outburst. “I haven’t come to completely scream at you, Rae.” She finally said with a voice that wasn’t her own. She hadn’t been herself for awhile, ever since the accident. She had returned to someone who she had vowed never to be again. Yelling at Rae, crying, and doing all those things that were completely uncharacteristically Dixie was something that was rather common in the past months. “I haven’t had the intention to since I last came here. I thought I had gotten my point across then.” Dixie could tell that by the look in Rae’s eyes that she really hadn’t.

Sighing, Dixie leaned up against the wall and closed her eyes. Everything had gone wrong when it had just started to go right. She looked down as the tears started to well up in her eyes again. She couldn’t cry, though, crying had been the main event for the past two months. Finally, out of anger, Dixie looked up, the tears threatening to fall. “He’s awake. He’s awake, Rae, but he doesn’t remember a God damned thing!” Her voice was rising as she said each new word, “He doesn’t remember me, or what we’ve talked about, or what happened, or anything! He thinks he’s in fifth year!” Dixie lunged from the wall and grabbed Rae’s arms, shaking the blonde as she sobbed, “It’s like nothing between us ever happened…” She fell to the floor on her knees and held onto Rae. “I can’t live without him, Rae… I can’t.”

[Raelee Gray]

The images before her haunted her memory night and day. What had she done? Rae stared at the comical image that was on her lap. The car looked ten times worse than it really had and the over all look was spooky. Taking her felt pen from beside her on the couch, she uncapped it and set the tip to the paper. Rae drew a thick red line through the drawing and then another, and another, and another until the drawing had been completely destroyed. She stared at it, her green eyes criticizing the image that was now blood red. Ever since the accident, Rae had felt horrible, knowing that it was mostly her fault. Mostly? It was totally her fault. Dixie had made that very apparent when she had barged into Rae’s room a week or so after the accident. The Slytherin had said some rather true things and Rae started to feel worse than she already did. She hadn’t spoken to Dixie since then, quite afraid that Dixie would realize she had been right and that Rae was terribly sorry and even depressed about it. She didn’t know how Adam was doing, and it was eating her up inside, but she couldn’t bring herself to call up Dixie and find out. What right did she have? None. She had no right. She could just lie down and die, but that wouldn’t be right either.

Rae shoved the drawing off her lap and put her head in her hand, her eyes watching the television as the pictures flickered by. They didn’t mean anything to her. They were mindless images that made no sense because nothing mattered. She knew she didn’t have any right to feel the way she was feeling, but she couldn’t help it. Rae felt so guilty about the accident because it was her fault. If she could turn back time and change it, she would. She wouldn’t drink so much, and she would have driven them back safely. But she couldn’t, and there was the problem. Rae was stuck with the guilt and the pain for what she had done and she knew she probably wouldn’t ever be forgiven. From Dixie or from Adam. What had been going through her mind? She normally wasn’t like that. When her and Dixie were friends she always felt she had to be better than she really was so she could remain friends with Dixie, perhaps that was it. The familiar feeling of having to prove herself to the girl who had been everything Rae had wanted to be had simply overcome her and that was had happened. Now Rae was sure of it.

The doorbell interrupted Rae’s thoughts and she just stared at the door from the couch for a moment. Then with a sigh, she heaved herself from the blue couch and padded across the foyer to the front door. When she opened it there was someone there that she didn’t expect, Dixie. Her eyes widened as she stood in shock a moment, but then she overcame her shock and opened the door wider for Dixie to step inside. There was a silence between the two girls, and Rae fidgeted with her hair. A breath of relief escaped Rae when Dixie said she wasn’t there to yell at her. Rae nodded and looked down, wondering what she was doing there then. It had to have to do with Adam. Why else would Dixie be in her foyer without intention of yelling? Her eyes locked on Dixie as the girl leaned against the wall and tried to hold back tears. Then she let loose. The words she spoke shocked Rae. He was awake but he didn’t remember anything at all? Before Rae could completely comprehend what that meant, Dixie had lunged forward and taken hold of her arms in order to shake her. She watched as the girl she had held in such high esteem fell to the floor and sobbed.

Rae stood there awkwardly and then kneeled down in front of Dixie. She watched her friend for a moment and then wordlessly pulled Dixie to her and held her in a tight hug. “I know,” she said quietly but loud enough to be heard over Dixie’s crying, “It’ll be okay, Dixie, really. I’ll help you, we’ll make him remember. OK?”

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

Dixie couldn’t hold it in any longer. The small amount of tears that she had cried at the hospital or in private didn’t even compare to the amount of tears she was crying now. It was only seconds later when she felt Rae’s arms around her comfortingly and heard Rae say they would make him remember. Although Dixie’s knees were starting to hurt, she didn’t move. We’ll make him remember… “No.” Dixie muttered lightly as she pushed Rae away and sat back on her heels. “We can’t make him remember, Rae. I am not going to force feed him memories that he doesn’t have. It would be wrong and it wouldn’t be the same as him remembering them on his own.” Dixie wiped at her eyes and dried her face before she spread her legs out and sat cross legged on the ground. Making him remember was something Dixie was not willing to do, though she knew Rae had meant ‘help.’ It was the way she put it. The memories wouldn’t really be his then, they would be ones that were planted in there. Like a story that was told so often that it was memorized word for word. She didn’t want that, she wanted him to remember it on his own.

Her eyes fell to the floor as she thought about the day he had woken up. “The memories are gone, all of them. He doesn’t remember any of them and I remember every second of each one.” She whispered, her voice the only sound in the foyer but the television could be heard from the living room. “I’d rather lose my memory than have him lose his. He has things to remember, moments that might be ten times more significant to him than the memories of us. I have nothing. I have nothing without him.” A pathetic laugh escaped her lips as she ran her fingers through her hair, more tears welling in her eyes. “My life didn’t even begin until I met him, I mean really met him.” For what seemed like the billionth time that day, she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Rae, I’m sorry.” Dixie looked up at the ceiling and shook her head as she controlled the urge to cry. “No, really, I am. I barged in on you and screamed at you and made it out to be all your fault and it really isn’t. It was just an accident. A horrible accident, and I had no right to blame it on you. I’m just…” she paused at this next part, knowing that she hardly ever admitted what she was about to admit. “I’m scared.” Dixie was scared. She was scared out of her mind. It was a kind of scared that hadn’t been in her since she was younger. The scared that made you wonder where life was going to go after everything happened or the kind of scared where you don’t know what to do next.

[Raelee Gray]

Rae chewed on her bottom lip as she continued to hold Dixie. Never had Rae seen Dixie this way and it was quite unnerving. She was about to say something when Dixie pulled away, rejecting the idea of making Adam remember. Rae hadn’t really meant ‘make,’ she had meant ‘help’ and she could tell Dixie knew that. Rae followed Dixie’s lead and sat down on the foyer floor. She didn’t say anything as Dixie continued to speak. Rae felt the guilt wash over her when she saw the pain in Dixie’s eyes and when she heard the despair in her voice. Rae lowered her eyes, she felt too guilty to be able to look at Dixie in the eye. She had caused people pain. She had. No one else. Raelee Gray. Why had she been so stupid and drank so much? If only she had stopped after the first glass, they wouldn’t be there and Adam would be fine. Rae raised her eyes when Dixie started talking about how she became herself when she met Adam. The realization then struck Rae that Dixie really cared for Adam. She really felt something genuine for him and that small bit of information made Rae feel ten times worse. Dixie deserved happiness and just when she had started to be happy, Rae single-handedly took that all away. If she hadn’t felt like dying before, she did now. “Dix… I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize.” Rae tried not to cry for Dixie’s sake. If she hadn’t been foolish that night, everything would have been all right. But she had acted foolish and that was where everything had gone wrong. It had gone so very wrong.

Dixie was apologizing for taking her anger and frustration out on her and then she admitted she was scared. Rae tilted her head. “It’s okay. You had a right to yell at me. It was my fault. I know that, I’ve been trying to think of a way to apologize to you and to Adam. Now I suppose Adam doesn’t even remember the accident, he probably doesn’t even know that I exist, much less made him the way he is now.” Rae brought her legs up so she was able to lean her elbows on her knees. “Dixie, you do know that it’s okay to be afraid, right?” The fact that Dixie was scared was a mind-blowing thought, but it was understandable. Rae now understood why Dixie had yelled at her. Dixie loved Adam, she loved him more than Rae could even imagine and the idea that the one person she loved didn’t know her was frightening. Yes, Rae understood, but she couldn’t relate. “We’ll get through this, though. We’ll get through it together. If not make him remember, then help him remember. We’ll help him as much as we can. I don’t think he’ll be this way forever, just for awhile.” Her voice was a stranger to her ears. It was stronger than it had been in awhile and she knew it was because she felt she had to be there for Dixie. Rae watched Dixie as her eyes started to fill up with tears again.

“I’m so sorry,” Rae whispered into the silence of the foyer. Dixie leaned forward and cried into Rae’s shoulder as Rae hugged her comfortingly. “We’ll do all we can. I’ll help as much as you want me to. I promise.” Rae closed her eyes just as a solitary tear rolled down her cheek. “I promise.” For once in Rae’s life her promise meant something. She would keep it and not only because she felt responsible for the condition of Adam, but because she felt an emotion of sympathy welling inside her for Dixie. Rae had nearly ruined her life, so she had to find a way to make it better. Dixie deserved happiness and smiles. Not the sadness that was developing around her. No, not that.

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

She didn’t realize. No one realized. There was nothing there to realize. At least not until the night of the accident, really. Sure, there was the day by the lake and in the tree, but it was Christmas Eve that really made Dixie open her eyes and realize. Dixie shrugged and looked back at the flooring. It didn’t matter now, did it? Nothing mattered anymore. It wasn’t the same. It was horrible and ruined and everything was a complete mess. Dixie closed her eyes, fighting back the tears that were threatening her again. She was sick and tired of crying. Crying got her no where. It just got her to a place where she didn’t want to be. Dixie took in three deep breaths as Rae continued to talk. OK to be afraid? Since when was it okay to be afraid, especially in Rae’s eyes? Dixie opened her eyes and watched Rae, wondering where the blonde got off with telling her that being afraid was okay. “You have no idea what you are talking about, Gray. Being afraid makes me weak, I can’t afford to be weak. Not right now. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that in the least bit, Rae.” Dixie nearly winced at how mean she was being, but she couldn’t help it. Rae was saying all the wrong things and all those wrong things were making Dixie feel worse than she already was.

Help him remember… Dixie sneered and sent a nasty look in Rae’s direction. “Really, Rae? What do you plan on doing to help him remember? Wave flash cards in his face? Tell him everything every day until he finally has it embedded in his mind? What? Please tell me, because I would really like to know. If you can possibly give Adam his memory back, do it now because I am at a loss at what to do and you just seem to be the most intelligent person when it comes to this.” Dixie was angry now, really angry. She was so angry that her fists were clenched. Rae just didn’t understand. She didn’t get it. It wouldn’t be the same if he didn’t remember them. The most Dixie could do was tell him about it briefly and then hope he pieced things together. The rest was up to him. Telling him something over and over or quizzing him on things wouldn’t help him any. “Well?! Do you have any idea on how to restore his memory?! Or is your perfect plan just to sit there and tell him all that happened between us? Honestly, Raelee. You’re foolish if you think that will work. He’s lost two years of his memory, TWO YEARS. Us briefing him every day on little things, even with the help of Sierra, won’t be the same. If he never gets his memory back, he won’t remember anything more than what we’ve told him.”

Dixie stood from where she was sitting on the foyer and glared down at Rae with her hands on her hips. “So stop feeding me fantasies and false hopes that will never come true because I don’t need that! I need reality and truth and everything that you’re avoiding telling me! Why? Why don’t you just face up to the fact that we can’t give him his memories back?! What is so damn wrong with just accepting it?!” Dixie knew she wasn’t just yelling at Rae, she was yelling at herself. She didn’t want to believe that they were at a total loss, but she knew that the chances of them doing anything to help him remember were small. In fact, they were almost minute. Dixie’s chest heaved as she stared down at Rae, her eyes fiery red. “There is no such thing as happily ever after, and there is no such thing as a miracle. That’s exactly what you’re asking for, a miracle, and it won’t come.”

[Raelee Gray]

Rae felt her jaw drop when Dixie’s mood suddenly changed. Wow. This girl could go from happy go lucky to depressed to angry in a split second. It was quite shocking and a little bit frightening. Dixie was going off on her now, telling her she didn’t know what she was talking about and calling her foolish. Rae felt her own anger boiling inside her as she stood after Dixie did. Her green eyes penetrated Dixie’s brown ones and for a moment as Dixie continued to rant on and on, Rae knew that Dixie was just hurting. Rae tried to keep her cool, but she couldn’t. Finally, there was silence after Dixie said there was no such thing as miracles or happily ever after’s. “You’re pathetic, Dixie.” Rae crossed her arms over her chest and watched the girl in front of her with unwavering eyes. “You’re whining and crying about all that you think can’t be mended. If you’re going to whine and cry, do it somewhere else. If you want to make something happen, Dixie, do something about it. If you want Adam to remember things that you consider important, then throw yourself into the situation and take charge. There isn’t any point in you whining like a four year old if there is a possibility of making it happen.” Rae felt her anger rising inside of her even more. What did Rae do to make Dixie switch moods on her so quickly? Oh… yeah… that.

“You know what’s really rich, Dix?” Rae sighed and looked at the ground as she shook her head. She laughed lightly and then looked back up. “The fact that you have someone who cares about you so much and who you care about just as much back, and you won’t do a thing to help him remember that he does care. That’s what’s rich. For as long as I’ve known you, Holden, you’ve wanted that. You’ve wanted that more than anything in the world, and now you’ve got it and yeah, you might’ve lost it temporarily but you have the possibility of getting it back and you won’t?!” Rae ran her fingers through her hair as much as she could before getting them tangled in the curls. “I just don’t get you, Dixie. Are you never pleased? Never happy? What is it that you don’t like about your life when you have all the things you’ve asked for?” Her eyes were begging with Dixie to enlighten her, because she was at a loss. Finally, Rae laughed out loud. “Wow, Dixie, it just SUCKS TO BE YOU doesn’t it?” She was finally snapping, she couldn’t stand to think about how Dixie was over reacting over everything. Maybe Rae would have been the same way if she had been in Dixie’s situation, but there was a much more reasonable way of dealing with the problem at hand.

Rae broke the death stare that was being held between them and rolled her eyes before heading into the kitchen, motioning for Dixie to follow. When they were in the kitchen, Rae pulled out two sodas and set them on the table in front of Dixie before taking a seat across from her. “I’m sorry for that outburst, but Dixie really, you can do something about this. You can make everything easier for yourself and for Adam, and you won’t do it because you think they’ll be false memories. They won’t be, though, will they? They’ll be real. You have them. They’re there. He didn’t really lose them, they’re just covered. You have to help him dig them back out.” Rae popped the tab of her soda and took a drink as she watched Dixie, “Don’t give up hope just because that’s what you’re used to. It isn’t a hopeless case, we can get through it.”

[Dixie Holden-Greene]

“Pa-Pa-Pathetic? Oh, that hurt, Rae, that really hurt.” Dixie rolled her eyes at Rae’s attempt at making Dixie feel horrible. “Four year old?! Oh that’s rich coming from you, Raelee Janette! Who was the one acting like an idiot at Rizzo’s? Who was the one who knocked into Adam sending us careening off the road? Was that me? No, that was most definitely you!” Dixie had to control the urge to stomp her foot and scream at the top of her lungs. She knew Rae was right, she was acting like a four year old, but she couldn’t help it. Everything was so unfair. Even after she talked with Adam… it was all so wrong. And no matter how much Dixie blamed the whole thing on Rae, she blamed herself too. She blamed herself a lot. Maybe she was playing the pity party, but she really couldn’t help with that. It was partly her fault. If only she hadn’t even thought about going with Rae. Dixie wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but she knew it was her fault. “I might be whining and crying over something you consider trivial, Rae, but you knew Adam maybe two hours. I knew him long enough to trust him. So, I’m sorry if it appears that my poor tragic sob story is something you wouldn’t bother dealing with but it means the world to me because Adam means the world to me!”

Dixie let that linger in the air a moment, and then Rae started again. It was as if the air was knocked out of her. Her eyes welled up with tears as Rae continued. One slid down her cheek and Dixie angrily brushed it off, Dixie couldn’t let Rae know how much she had just hit home. She looked up when Rae suddenly screamed. The pain that had taken over her body subsided and she clenched her fists, “Yes, actually, it does! It does suck to be me! But you wouldn’t be able to connect with that because your life is pretty much damn near perfect! The only reason you think your life is horrible is because you can’t stand being under your parents thumb.” Dixie glared at Rae. They were from two completely different universes. Rae had the perfect life that she wanted to run away from and Dixie had the life that held so much drama that it could be a hit television programme. They would never see eye to eye, ever. Dixie knew that, and it was because of this that she was angry so easily. “Don’t stand there and pretend to be all high and mighty, Rae. You don’t know anything about my life and you probably don’t care enough to know about it. I might be letting something slip through my fingers, but don’t pretend to understand what I’m trying to do to make sure it isn’t going to happen!”

There was a quick silence and then Rae turned toward the direction of the kitchen. Dixie followed with a raise of her eyebrows, wondering why the hell Rae was being so moody? Or were they both being moody? It was too much stress. Dixie sighed and sank into the seat at the table, putting her head in her hands. Her eyes locked onto Rae’s when the soda was set in front of her. She didn’t bother to open it, she knew it would taste like acid going down her throat. She sighed when Rae started to speak again. “Yeah, I know. I’m just afraid even though I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to help him uncover the memories and then something go wrong where he doesn’t care about me anymore.” Her fingers traced the rim of the soda can as her eyes stared at the top. “I don’t think I can deal with it. Especially with all that’s happened…”

[Raelee Gray]

No, that was most definitely you! Rae winced noticeably at Dixie’s words. She knew Dixie was right, it was all her fault. All of it. Rae couldn’t get the foolishness out of her head. She was well aware of how everything would have turned out if she hadn’t gotten so drunk. Having Dixie remind her of how childish she was being just made her feel ten times worse than she already did, although just the thought that Adam had lost two years worth of memories because of her made Rae feel sick. “You’re right, I don’t know Adam that well and I’m not able to tell you that we’ve been friends for months, but if we had I wouldn’t give up like you are. I’d keep hoping. I’d make the possibilities of him getting better greater by doing everything I can.” Rae never dropped her gaze from Dixie as she continued to speak. She was in between being angry with her or feeling sorry for her. Here was this girl who Rae had looked up to, a complete mess. Rae really understood why Dixie was the way she was, but there was still that anger inside of her Rae that was slightly clouding her pity for Dixie. “That’s all the more reason to do something about it, isn’t it, though? If he means the world to you, wouldn’t you want to do everything you could to help him? Doesn’t he want you to help him? If he does… then who are you to deny him that? Merlin, Dixie, stop thinking about yourself for once. What does Adam want?” She knew that the idea that Dixie was being selfish would hit home, especially if it meant she was being selfish to Adam.

The anger and pain in Dixie’s eyes really tugged at Rae’s heart. It really was all her fault. There was silence and then Dixie spoke again, calling Rae out on her perfect life. Rae chewed on the inside of her cheek, she did have the perfect life. Her parents were happily married, she got whatever she wanted, and the only time her parents really questioned her was when she was acting out and that was usually all the time. Truth was, Rae’s life had to have seemed like a fairy tale to Dixie and Rae hadn’t realized that until Dixie threw it in her face. Dixie was just making Rae feel even worse. God. How many times could a girl do that? It appeared to be something Dixie was talented at. “Alright, fine. If you plan on doing something about it please tell me what you plan on doing. All the ides I give you are shot down.” Rae breathed in as she contemplated the next bit she was about to say. “And you’re right, I don’t like being under my parents’ thumb and that might be the only thing wrong with my life, but at least I don’t whine about it.” While Dixie might have been right about hating being controlled, she wasn’t right about anything else that included Rae and whining.

When they were both in the kitchen and sitting down, Rae listened to Dixie intently. Why would he not care anymore? Especially with how much he had cared about her before? “Dix, I don’t think it works that way. He might’ve lost the memories that helped him gain those feelings, but they are still there. You just have to find them along with the memories. Besides,” Rae smiled softly as she raised the soda can to her lips again, “what would he think of you if he knew you wanted to just give up? If I were in his place, it wouldn’t seem very flattering.” She knew, rather well, that it had to be hard for Dixie to stay there and help Adam when she had such strong feelings for him. She couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if Dixie did decide to pick up and leave. Not that it would be any of Rae’s business, but would Dixie actually run from someone she loved because the memories might take awhile to resurface? Rae ran her fingers through her hair tiredly, too exhausted to think of the possibilities. “Don’t give up or turn away from him, Dix. Be there for him and help him get better. Make him smile when he thinks he’s too sad to.” She shrugged, “No one said you had to be Superwoman.”