Star Tears ((Colin))

[Caitlin Martinez G7]

Her five years at Hogwarts weren't exactly social, but she wasn't an outcast. Caitlin had a tendency to spend time alone, either reading or writing. She wasn't one to go out and party and especially when Gryffindor was celebrating a win in Quidditch or something of the sort - Caitlin stayed in her dormitory. She had a good friend in Amelia Richardson, but even then they weren't as close as they used to be. Caitlin didn't mind, after all, she liked to be alone - liked to do things by herself. But when she befriended Colin she no longer wanted to be alone. She considered him one of the only friends she might actually keep while at Hogwarts. Some would say it was a little late to get these kinds of friends, but Caitlin didn't think so. She saw him as a blessing. Maybe that's why it hurt her as much as it did when everything happened. She wasn't sure, and she spent nights thinking about it.

Her legs were tucked up to her chin, which was resting on her knees, and her arms were wrapped around them - hugging them close. Her brown hair hung limply down her back and her eyes were glassy with tears and fear. She sat on a desk in the empty classroom she was always in, the one where Colin had shown her the photographs he had taken. In her right hand was her wand and moments earlier she had conjured the map of the galaxy which was spinning slowly just below her. In the center was a bright ball, which was the sun..and then the nine planets. Stars were everywhere, and there were some meteors. Caitlin was staring intently at the solar system and her eyes never blinked. Maybe that was why her eyes were glassy, or maybe they were really tears forbidding themselves to fall. Whichever the reasons, she looked sad. With a sigh Caitlin flicked her wand and the solar system disappeared. But in moments, billions of stars appeared. The lights were off in the classroom, so the room radiated light from the stars. She stood from the desk and walked around, her finger poking one star -sending it flying in the opposite direction.

As she walked, her mind wandered. Why was the world so...bad? Why did He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named think it was prudent to do something so horrid, so wretched? Why did the Death Eaters want to ruin everyone elses life, and hurt others in the process? Then those questions led to larger ones, why was Colin chosen for the kidnapping? Along with Hermione? What did they ever do to anyone? Were the Death Eaters so incompetent that they had to use others to get what they wanted? Could they not think of any other way to get into Hogwarts, to get what they wanted? Weren't they supposed to be smarter than that? Anger flared up in Caitlin and she pointed her wand at the wall in front of her, then a bright white light flew from her wand and hit the wall - only to bounce off and ricochet in different directions. She ducked to the ground and layed down on her back, her arms crossed over her stomach, her wand still in her right hand.

Her eyes followed the blast of light that continued to ricochet off the walls. The stars were floating above her, like frozen tears that sparkled. Caitlin sighed and tilted her head toward the door as she heard someone approaching. She watched the doorknob turn and then the door open and then she saw Colin. Quickly, she reached her hand out and yanked him to the floor just in time - making sure the door closed before the light could get out of the room. When he was on the floor next to her, she looked at him and smiled, before turning her attention back to the ricocheting light. She was surprised it hadn't hit a window yet; "Life is like that light, it bounces everywhere - back and forth up and down, side to side. You know; sometimes I'm afraid that one of these days life is just going to escape the little room that is my heart. Kind of like the light almost did when you opened the door." She smiled a little before pointing her wand at the light, which was slowing down; "And sometimes..." she flicked it and the light disappeared as did all the stars, and the room was secluded in darkness; "...life just dies."

((Wow! Not what I was going to start it off with, but I like this much better anyway. ^_^))

[Colin Morgensen G7]

Colin curled up on his bed in the fetal position, head tucked away. He knew what he must be experiencing was the same thing Hermione was too but... he couldn't get over it. The fact that people looked at him every time he walked somewhere or that people actually asked questions about what had happened. The fact that Colin had no wish to relive it did not appeal to some, who insistently begged that he tell his story. Why should he? Colin already had dreams about it, already thought about it, already saw things that reminded him about it, so why must he explain it again in detail? He remembered every little thing so clearly... all the pain and confusion and the shock that came with the realization of what was happening. Colin didn't want to do this anymore, no sir. He wanted to be someone else for a change. Why couldn't someone else play the part of Colin Creevey? They would probably do a better job then him. He was scared of even himself; every time he looked at a mirror he felt a pressure dam behind his eyes. It wasn't that he couldn't stand to look at himself but the little stuff; the circles under his eyes, for example. It made him look like some raccoon but it was a living reminder of what had went on. And that he still couldn't get any sleep.

When Colin got the want to go outside or walk the corridors, he couldn't avoid... people. Everyone at large. He wanted to veer away and run, or snap at them, making them never want to attempt again, but all he could do was ignore and move on, while it teared him up on the inside. He knew that in his absence others had been hurt when the Death Eaters got in, but that was just another pain in his side. He, Colin Creevey, had helped the Death Eaters in. Hadn't he? That rat guy had stolen his identity and then paraded in, letting all his friends in as well. All because Colin wanted to go on a late walk throughout the castle. If he hadn't made that fatal mistake... some people might not have been hurt. Or, they would have taken someone else and Colin wouldn't be carrying this guilt. Even if it was selfish, he wished that someone else could have done what he had done and he would be the one asking them questions. But no, here he was. A walking circus.

Tonight was no different then any other night. It was early in the evening but dark enough to dissuade Colin to walk around. Or so he thought. When some of his dorm mates come up from the common room and tried talking to him, Colin shied away and went to the common room, but found no consolation there. It was loud and as soon as he stepped into the room, everyone turned around. Colin realized what it had to be like to be Harry and suddenly found that all this popularity was a thing he despised. He dismissed himself from there as well because he knew for certain that he would find no peace of mind, so instead he began his venture around Hogwarts. After the kidnapping, he didn't like to walk around at night. It made him scared, which sounded kiddish but it was true. He felt like someone was following him and he always, always had to turn around... just to make sure. The corridors were practically empty and, now that there were no people about, Colin wanted them. This was how it had been on that night when he had been attacked... looking about Colin began to take sharp intakes of breath. He was scared. It had been wrong of him to think he could handle this; he should have stayed in the common room. Leaning up against a wall, Colin waited for his racing heart to slow. It wouldn't do him any good to start hyperventilating either, now would it? He just needed to relax, that's all. Breath in, breath out. He swallowed his fears and began to walk again until he couldn't bear it anymore. He had to turn around and look only to find nothing was there. Nothing, Colin, nothing! He wanted to shout. For some reason, he couldn't get past it. He couldn't and wouldn't. This attack had been different then the Chamber of Secrets, oh yes. Colin had been too young to understand much and besides, all that happened to him was seeing a pair of eyes and then everything went dark. It wasn't scary in the least to him - in fact he had been excited about it. But this was different and.. he was older now...

He reached a door that at first held no meaning to him but then he remembered. On a night like this before the attacks, he had found Caitlin in there and had showed her his pictures. That seemed so long ago and, to think, he had been hyper and happy... Opening the door, Colin knew it would do him some good to remember some happy memories, but he found more then that. He found a... uh... how to put this? Happy memories person? Well, to put it more simply, he found Caitlin. Who nearly attacked him and dragged him to the floor. Not exactly the warmest welcoming, but Colin could deal. Looking up, he realized the meaning behind it wasn't for him to get a sore back after all but to avoid getting hit by that... ball thing. Colin watched it spin around as Caitlin talked. He was glad she was talking for he couldn't think of anything to say. Occasionally he nodded to show that he understood and was listening, and a smile was always on his face. But when the room went dark, Colin tensed up and grabbed Caitlin's hand. "I don't like the dark," he whispered. "Not anymore. Please, turn light back on." He pleaded, forgetting he had the power to do that too. At the moment he felt like a helpless child, plagued with a nightmare that wouldn't go away. "I'm sorry," he continued to whisper. "It's just... I can't let go...."

((Man, talk about inspiration, eh? Yours was great and after reading it, I wanted to reply right away. ;D ))

[Caitlin Martinez G7]

Caitlin looked at Colin as he grabbed her hand and asked her to turn the light back on. She smiled, squeezed his hand, and then flicked her wand once more and the stars reappeared - this time coloured. She didn't let go of Colin's hand, nor did she shake him off; instead she closed her eyes and listened to the emptiness a moment before turning to look at him, "How are you doing?" She asked quietly. She didn't know how he was taking all of the popularity that came off the event - but Caitlin knew she would go insane if people crowded her like that, and that was only because she liked being alone. "Maybe, that wasn't a good question to ask..." she said after a beat; "You probably are sick of qusetions..." Caitlin smiled again and moved her gaze back to the stars, there was a purple one right above her. Maybe he wasn't sick of questions as much as they were hard to answer, hard to relive. Caitlin knew that all too well. She knew what it was like to just want to forget it and believe it never happened. But too much stayed and frightened her for her to forget.

She was the opposite of Colin though. He was afraid of the dark, she welcomed it. Caitlin liked the feeling of being secluded. Her eyes wandered back over to Colin, and she wondered if he was afraid of the dark or afraid of being alone. She squeezed his hand again and pointed her wand at the stars, she moved it in a circle and the stars began to dance and make images; "Don't be sorry, Colin. I understand completely... even if some don't. I'm not like them, I've been to a similar place you are. It isn't fun, I know. But it takes a lot to overcome. You'll get through it, I'm sure of it." Her eyes glazed with determination and she sighed again. Moments before she had felt like crying, now she felt like smashing something or someone - perferably the Death Eaters and their so called Dark Lord. Her right hand curled around her wand so harshly she thought she might snap it in half. Caitlin released her breath, she had to be able to talk to Colin calmly - be able to... hold a conversation without making things worse. That's exactly what she needed right now, to make matters worse. When she had remained calm for a moment she looked at her friend again, just as a blue star passed over them.

"People don't understand, they don't get how something so tragic can tear you up just as much as it can make you stronger. They don't get the fact that there are things in this world that should remained locked in there. When things like this happen, all they can do is poke and prod and ask questions to see how they should avoid getting caught in the same situation." Here, she let out a breath and turned her gaze back to the stars.. her heart beat racing with anger and frustration, "They don't understand, yet they think it's their place to find out every detail!" She brought her right fist down on the floor and felt a sharp pain in her wrist, but she didn't cry out. "They can't get that it hurts to relive it, to go through it all again just so they have a story to listen to and spread later on. Why can't people just leave others alone?! Why must they poke and prod and prod and prod and push until they get exactly what they want from us?" She wasn't just angry for Colin anymore, she was feeling the anger from what happened to her. Toward the police officers, toward the reporters, toward everyone - even the therapist that treated her afterward. Not many knew what happened to her, not even Colin... nor Amelia. They wouldn't get it. They wouldn't quite understand. Or Colin wouldn't before, now he might. But Caitlin wasn't going to find out.

She let the silence wash over her, engulf her completely and she felt like she was leaving all the pain and misery behind. But she was taking Colin with her. Caitlin closed her eyes and breathed in and out, in and out. When she was calm once more, she looked at Colin and smiled weakly, "Sorry, that probably didn't help. I tried to hold it in for your sake, but that didn't work as well as I wished it had. They're just...so...so..." Caitlin struggled to find a good enough word, and when she found one she nearly screamed it; "...infuriating!" She reached her right hand up and captured a star, a smile breaking out over her face - but sadness and anger still in her eyes. A small chuckle gurgled from her throat before she placed the star in Colin's hair, "There...now you shine like a star, without all the popularity."

((Sorry she kind of blew up there . It was funny, because it wasn't her talking, it was me . Anyway, have fun *nods*))

[Colin Morgensen G7]

((It's quite all right. Gives me something to work on. ))

Colin squeezed his eyes shut until, even behind his lids, he could see the room brighten up a little. Opening them a crack, he let out a breath of relief as Caitlin had turned the light back on. She had been right to describe it as life; without it there wouldn't be any. Colin tried to imagine living without a sun, living only in darkness... he imagined it would be a lot like dreaming awake, to be sure. He struggled to keep his mind on what was going on in the present instead of going back to the past. When Caitlin asked how he was, he just shrugged. As always, he chose to ignore things that even so much as hinted toward him explaining about it. Even though it was on the tip of his tongue to tell Caitlin everything, he couldn't. It just wouldn't come out - he was too afraid of the pain that would erupt when he talked about it. Just like when it had happened...

"You've been kidnapped before?" Colin asked with surprise, perking up as Caitlin mentioned she had been in the same place before. He knew that it hadn't happened in her Hogwarts years as it would have been in the newspaper and all over the castle, so it must have been when she was younger or... or over the summer. Colin found his interest piqued and had to fight down his excitement. If she could relate to what had happened to him then it would be like a blessing. He could talk freely and perhaps the pain wouldn't be so bad... "I'm not so sure..." He said in response to him getting over it. "I couldn't... the hallway..." Colin gestured helplessly at the door, feeling overwhelmed. "I freaked out because of being in the dark for mere seconds. That can't be me on the way to recovery." He finally said, glad he was using complete sentences instead of fragments of thoughts.

Suddenly, Caitlin got out of control. She started to rant about the people who just couldn't get over it and had to poke and prod, as she put it. Colin was baffled; he looked at her to make sure that these angry words were actually coming out of her mouth. He hadn't thought of Caitlin as an angry person but realized that this must have been nagging at her for a while as she seemed to have kept it pent up for a while. Or so it felt. The anger that came from those words was incredible; Colin almost shied away from her. After the attack, all he did was feel sorry for himself and was miserable. He couldn't imagined getting angry like this in a year or two but who knew? He nodded at her choice of word, the only time he felt he understood everything she was saying. Infuriating, yes. All he wanted was to be treated like a normal person, like before. Maybe then he could learn to forgive and forget. But he couldn't even forgive, let alone forget. How could he when so many things had happened because of them. A small smile appeared when Caitlin put a star in his hair.

"I don't want the popularity," he said. "I don't want anyone to even look at me. I want to be treated like.. like Colin Creevey before anything happened. I want everyone to forget so maybe I can too. I could never forget though when so much happened to others because..." He paused before suddenly bursting out, "I let the Death Eaters in. I was stolen as a pawn and, maybe if I could have escaped somehow, some way, I could have raised the alarm. I could have stopped that Death Eater from entering the castle as me. And then no one would be hurt because of me..." Colin felt a tear slip down his cheek. He wiped it away angrily. " I could have done it. I know I could have! If I hadn't gone down for a walk then... then nothing would have happened. Maybe the Death Eaters would have found no one and then no one would have been hurt..." He found his teeth were chattering. "I was too weak to do anything. I was a hopeless case and...and... I can't forgive myself." He struggled to catch his breath. "Why, Caitlin? Why me? Why wasn't I strong enough?" He whispered, clutching Caitlin's hand as if his life depended on it.

[Caitlin Martinez G7]

"You've been kidnapped before?" She shrunk inside herself, her hand still holding onto his - but she was far from here. "Daddy, why are you doing this? Tell me!" She shrieked at her father, the one man she thought she could trust. She was only ten - only ten and this was something ten year olds shouldn't have to be put through. Tears sprung to her eyes as he turned to her, his eyes full of hatred and anger - but was suddenly covered by false love. Even Caitlin at ten years old knew the difference between real love and false love. She shrunk inside herself, into a little cavern where she would go when things started to turn out for the worst... Her eyes were glazed, but slowly they came back to focus and she turned her head toward Colin, her lips parted to tell her secret. But nothing came out. Not a word or a syllable. Instead she shrugged and looked up at the stars again, "I know what you're feeling, Colin." She answered cryptically.

But she soon figured out that wasn't true. She couldn't possibly know what he was feeling. That became clear when he started talking. When he commented on his road to recovery a smile crossed Caitlin's face and she recalled Dr. Marlowe's voice, telling her recovery was different for every person. "Maybe it is, Colin, maybe it is. It's different for every person, for every event. At least you braved it enough to go out into the hallway, no matter that it might have been the commotions in the common room and dorms that drove you out. You went out there, didn't you? That's more than I could do... I wouldn't even leave my room after..." She trailed off and let her words hang in the air. She breathed in deeply as he continued to talk. Her eyes followed a pink star that seemed to travel in figure eights. They soon traveled to see Colin wiping a tear off his cheek angrily and she squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"You can't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault, how could it be? Yes, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time - but you must think, would have been able to stop them? There had to have been more than one.... and you didn't let them into Hogwarts, obviously you weren't part of their plan. They didn't expect you - they already had an idea of how to get someone into Hogwarts, didn't they? You were just a conveinence in their favour." Caitlin said this so firmly, she wanted him to believe her. But she knew it would take a lot more than just words from a friend, he would have to believe in himself first. That journey was a hard one to take, to forgive yourself and be able to make amends with others. Caitlin remembered it all too well, but Colin had something she didn't. A friend to help him through. No one understood Caitlin, but Caitlin understood Colin.

His teeth were chattering now, and this was when he started to put himself down. She looked at him and felt tears sting her eyes, but she didn't let them fall. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Colin. I remember how I felt, I just wanted to disappear - and even though I didn't think I could stand it any longer, I held out. My therapist told me that made me stronger than most of her patients who had tried to take their lives. Colin, you can't put yourself down because you couldn't help the inevitable. But you can make yourself stronger by learning from this experience. You can't," She sat up and looked down at him, her eyes dancing with admiration and hope for him, "you can't make yourself out to be someone rotten when you're the hero. You might not be like Harry in the aspect of his kind of heroism, but you are a hero. You survived didn't you? That takes a great amount of strength..."

[Colin Morgensen G7]

Colin frowned. He had hoped that Caitlin would explain herself so that maybe he would feel a little more comfortable speaking of his own tale instead of feeling like a miserable hopeless case that couldn't be understood. Instead of answering the question directly, Caitlin had rather just over-shadowed it with a cryptic note. He chewed on his lower lip as he thought it over. She knew how he was feeling? No matter how much he wanted to believe that, he was in doubt. How could she? Or was her case so bad she can't even speak of it? Colin swallowed hard and decided, rather reluctantly, to let this go. If Caitlin didn't want to talk about it, then he should be the last person to pressure her to. Especially since she was the only one who claimed to understand him and was trying to help while not goggling openly. He gave her a weak smile.

"You think so?" he asked, brightening a little as he considered that prospect. Maybe she was right. He had gone out into the hallway during the night, which was when the whole scenario took place. Even if he had freaked out, he had survived it and hadn't gone into a fit. He knew that when some people faced a dramatic event they didn't ever recover. Colin had high hopes that, not only would he be able to walk through the hallways without fear, but that he would eventually bury the past behind him. It was hard to imagine that actually happening at the moment but in due time, there was always a chance. "I just.. I couldn't stand being out there alone, at night, in the corridor. I almost broke down because... it was just too much like what happened..." He shrugged painfully.

"I don't know if I could have stopped them because.... I never tried!" he said with mixed emotions. Part of him still felt angry, resentful, frustrated while another part felt reassured, confused, and stunned. He was quite surprised he was able to talk about it, even if he had sworn never to retell the events just as the occurred. They had replayed too many times in his mind, haunting him. He hated this whole thing. "The wrong place at the wrong time," he repeated dully, tasting the words on his tongue. So true but so bittersweet. Colin grimaced. "They say things happen for a reason. Was there truly a reason behind this other then pain and suffering?" he asked, looking at Caitlin. He had always believed that saying, that things happen for a reason, but now that his own philosophy was being challenged, he couldn't think of a way to make amends. He just wanted to be left in a corner and disappear or maybe to have his memory wiped clean. Just so he could start over again.

He grinned unexpectedly as Caitlin told him that he was the hero. It felt good to have someone actually say that to him. Colin had always admired people for inner strength and true heroism but had never thought of himself anything more then a supporter. "I did survive but... they could have gotten rid of me any time they liked. I was unconscious most of the time, but when I was awake... it was like living a nightmare. And I still am living it, only now that I'm in a safer place, I keep going back to the darker one. Do you know how long it will be until I recover? I don't want to live like this, Caitlin, and it's only been a two weeks or so." he sighed heavily. "I want to live life to its fullest, but how can I with that following me around?" He stopped to collect himself before going on. "I still have nightmares about it and in the day-time, I can see them coming for me... when will they go away? They have to go away, don't they?"

[Caitlin Martinez G7]

She watched Colin, listened to him as he spoke and then she had to lie down next to him again so her tears would stay inside her eyes. She blinked them back before even thinking of replying to Colin. Caitlin's stomach tightened as she remembered her turmoil after everything happened. She had hidden it well for about five years, not even her therapist knew the whole truth. She never uttered a word about the event to her mother, afraid that would shatter her. And Myles? No, she couldn't speak to Myles about it. He wouldn't understand. Even though he used to be her father's best-friend, she could tell it was uncomfortable for him to talk about that... to even think that Peter Houston could do something like that. They didn't know the whole terror. Sure, she didn't remember it all right away - but it came to her in nightmares. It followed her when she went to classes. Although she knew her father couldn't be at Hogwarts, she was sure she felt his eyes on her. Burning through her clothing.

There was a huge lump in her throat, like she had swallowed a dozen cottonballs and they were stuck in her esphogas. Tears trickled down her cheeks, but she let them fall because moving her hand would draw attention and that was the one thing she didn't want. Colin needed her right now, not the other way around. Her right hand began to tremble, but her left stayed stationary - still holding Colin's. She even felt her father's eyes on her right now. The thought of him being there sent shivers up and down her spine, sent her sinking back into that hole of darkness. Caitlin blinked and forced herself to come back to the present, to help Colin. Or at least to help him understand that this was probably going to scar him for life. That he probably would never get over it, but would learn to deal. She didn't know how to break that news to him, he was hoping for her to say it could magically disappear with a wave of his wand. But she knew the truth. He had to learn to face it too, but she wasn't up for making him.

Caitlin sighed and looked at Colin, "I'm not going to lie to you, you might not be able to return to the way you were. I know that's hard to hear, Colin, but it's the truth. You might be scarred for life because of this. But possibly, most likely, not the way you are now. You might be able to grow out of that, to learn to deal with it. But there will be things that make you remember. Do you know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is?" She didn't pause, she continued whether he knew what it was or not. Her eyes looked up at the stars, "PTSD is a disorder that effects people who go through traumatic events. War veterans have it a lot, people who had bad childhoods do. Some even abused children have it, mostly abused children have it." She breathed in and out deeply and moistened her lips; "A certain thing will trigger PTSD. A song on the radio, a television show, a movie, or words that were repeated over and over during the event. A loud explosion, or something that might sound like a loud explosion, might send a war veteran off the deep end.

"I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Whenever I hear the sound of the ocean, or get on a boat I freeze up and go into a catatonic state. I've been told that one time I went on a boating trip with my friends when I was 13 for a week or so, and the whole time I was in the fetal positing - my eyes completely blank. I don't remember a thing from when I stepped on that boat. You might have it too, Colin. Whenever you hear a certain spell - you might start to have an episode. Or maybe even when you're alone in a dark corridor. But those things can easily be dealt with. For instance, you'll always have your wand with you - and you can learn the counter curse for whatever spell was used. And you can always light up your wand when you're in a dark corridor, or find someone who is willing to walk with you." She looked at him again, this time just as a tear rolled down her cheek, "It's not going to be easy. I know that better than most, but you'll have me."

[Colin Morgensen G7]

Silence covered them like a heavy blanket. Colin felt like he was choking as the air became heavy with it. He would have though Caitlin wasn't even there had it not been for her hand in his and her steady breathing. He felt drained of all his strength, his will-power and at the same time felt strangely awkward in the silence that had descended upon them. He didn't want to look at Caitlin because he was afraid of seeing what was in her eyes. Was she afraid too? Was she just as scared? Colin didn't want to know. Caitlin was like an angel who had helped him - to see his savior being eaten alive with fear was too much. He needed strength now, not this. He was weak, vulnerable, helpless. His grip on Caitlin's hand had loosened but with the realization that she might be just as terrified as he, Colin gave it a little squeeze, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could help her help him.

When she finally did speak, Colin shook his head wildly, numbly. Not ever be the same? He couldn't look at Caitlin so instead he sought refuge with the stars. They winked down at him, lending him some strength. They were looking down on him, watching. He felt a great pressure build behind his eyes and his mouth turned dry as her words hit him. Hard. "But... there has to be a way..." he breathed, not even sure if Caitlin had heard him. She was explaining Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Colin remembered hearing stuff like that on the television back home and had always felt pity for the ones who were unfortunate enough to have it. He never dreamed that one day, he would be just like them. It made sense though. Oh yes, brutally so. Walking down dark hallways reminded him of the night that man had taken him so ruthlessly, unmercifully. Without a care in the world what might happen to Colin.

He blinked uncomprehendingly when Caitlin said she had it too. Caitlin Martinez? The very same one who had comforted him and was now giving him support? He licked his cracked lips and tried to take in what she was saying. It was too large, too much for him to grasp. He didn't hear when she stopped talking. A few times he tried to say something but nothing would come out. His chin began to wobble and the pressure built behind his eyes until the dam that was holding it back broke. "Never be the same?" he repeated as tears slipped down his cheeks and it was then that the reality of her words struck him. More tears cascaded down as he remembered back to when he had been so happy, so carefree. "Caitlin... remember that time I came to you, so excited about pictures? Pictures?!" he reflected bitterly. "Something that small could make me happy. That insignificant - it meant the world to me..." he trailed off, uncertain what he was doing, saying, meaning.

He finally looked at Caitlin and saw that she was crying too. She meant everything that she had said, he realized, everything. It had come from her heart. A smile formed through the tears. "You're more of the hero, Caitlin," he said. "I don't want to drag you down with me. I know that... that something happened to you too. Dealing with me and your own fears is too much to let me leave with an easy conscious. You're like an angel. But I can't do that to you," he continued, growing stronger with each sentence. "I don't want you to have to worry about me. I'll... get through it. Somehow. You've helped me so much already, made me realize so many things. I just don't want you to... I can't do this." He gazed aimlessly around the room, trying to salvage something that might make this a little easier. "It's just... I'm grateful and all for what you did, but..." he sighed and turned to look at her. One question that had been on his mind for a long time just had to be said. "What happens now?"

((You better have some of those cookies left! ))

[Caitlin Martinez G7]

"What happens now?" He asked. How many times had she asked that same question herself? Caitlin breathed and turned her gaze in the other direction, forcing her tears back into her eyes; into the well that they were drawn from. That question was all too familiar with her. After the courts, after the therapy, after the suffering and the sorrow and the wallowing, that question crept up on her and hurt her. Sliced her up into tiny pieces and left her there to die inside. Slowly, though, she had put herself back together again. Like Humpty Dumpty. No one else had helped her, no one else had cared to help her. Yes, she knew that question all too well and she had heard the answer just as much as she had asked the question. Caitlin brought up her right hand and touched one of the floating stars. The answer was simple, but so hard to grasp. So hard to fit your head around. It was funny, how words could mean things but you couldn't completely understand what they meant until you lived them.

She turned to him and tried to smile softly, "You live." She answered weakly. Caitlin looked away again, but squeezed his hand gently, swallowing the lump in her throat; "As hard as that may be, right now. You live. The world doesn't stop. No one stops and coddles you. You live. You go through with classes, and you continue to your friends and you live. You breathe, you cry, you feel pain. But in the end, Colin, you'll still live. The sun will still rise and then set, and the flowers will grow, and the animals will be born as will babies. And all the while you'll probably be angry with yourself, hurting, crying, wishing whoever did that to you - would just die!" She screamed the last word, and then the silence that draped over them. She could hear her steady breathing, which was quite angry. Caitlin slowed her breathing and calmed her anger. She sighed, "But you'll live. You'll go on and live, and you'll be happy again after you've lived through the pain."

Caitlin wiped at her eyes again and looked at him again, "And for the record, you aren't taking me down with you. I am jumping in for the ride. If you are even going down. You know, you can still get excited over pictures. Still get happy over stupid little things. I do. I've been through a lot. And stars still make me feel safe. They make me happy." She turned her to the stars and grinned to herself, "They all have their place. Every single one. There are no mistakes. No faults. No bads. Just stars. Just places. Just... life and death. A circle." She felt a blush rise to her cheeks, but she shrugged it off. "If you have enough passion for photography, use it to your advantage. Don't let it slip from you. Sometimes it's all you have. Use it, get through it, finish it, and continue."

((Of course. They are yours after all. ))