Can't hide yourself ((Samantha))

[cleo]

“Anyway, I have detention with Filch so I better get going,” Cleo told Kris with a slight smile as she let her fingers glide through his hair one last time as Kris’s head was resting in her lap while Kris himself lay stretched out on the ground. “Why? Just when you are wearing the skirt I love most on you,” came the drawled response making Cleo’s eye-brows fly up as she stopped moving and curiously glanced down at Kris. “You love this skirt? You haven’t even seen me wear it – you’re blind for heaven’s sake and I don’t believe you have some angelic sixth sense,” Cleo commented with a light snap in her tone while Kris smirked widely and Cleo got the impression as if he was winking at her from behind the sunglasses: “Why, even though we never spoke before this year, didn’t mean I didn’t look at a nice pair of legs passing me in the hallway.”
Cleo let out an amused chuckle even though this statement earned Kris a sharp tug on one of his ears before Cleo pushed his head off her lap and stood calmly brushing her skirt to make sure there was no dirt on it. Cleo stretched glancing around her eyes falling onto a girl she knew faintly standing a small distance away. She knew her by rumours flying around about her. A Hogwarts student who had spent time in Azkaban wasn’t an overly regular occurrence so Cleo knew the face and the name. And she also knew that she was Kris’s friend, one of the closest ones most likely so that puzzled Cleo. Kris wouldn’t waste his time over someone annoying or down-right cruel so maybe there was more to the Driscoll girls story? Cleo wasn’t sure but she tried to refrain from judging before she knew all the facts.

“Come and save me in a couple of hours,” Cleo ordered Kris as she crouched and gave him a quick kiss before standing and leaving the Slytherin still stretched out on the ground. Cleo didn’t head straight towards the Hogwarts castle however aiming rather towards Samantha Driscoll. It was a shame that a pureblood family like the Driscolls had ended up the way they had, but then again that was hardly Cleo’s place to talk about, was it? Her own family wasn’t much better. No. The family-tree she was born into wasn’t any better, even though she had acquired herself a new family now in Kris. Even got herself a sister in Dana. And Cleo also protected what was hers so she stopped before the Slytherin girl measuring the other girl with calculating eyes, not caring the least whether or not the older girl wanted to talk to her. Cleo wasn’t really overly intimidated by her, doubting she would resort to trying to duel Cleo. Which would be a stupid thing to do anyway with Kris so close.

“Driscoll,” Cleo commented with a lazy arch of an eye-brow. Kris had killed a man and even though no one was even thinking about putting Kris on probation – heck, it was rather thought as if he had acted heroically and self-sacrificingly - Cleo knew how much a toll it was still taking on Kris. Any worthy might be able to guess it as well so if Samantha was any good at this friendship ideal – she would rather want to talk to Kris and in some sort of weird Slytherin way maybe even comfort him. There was just something Cleo wanted to tell her before she talked to Kris. “I suppose you know what’s going on with him. So I’m going to make this short and simple. Wound him, say something hurtful or upset him in any way with your words or actions and I’ll personally make sure you’ll life will become so miserable that you will wish you were back between the relatively safe walls of Azkaban,” Cleo stated lowering her voice a little so it wouldn’t carry back to Kris. But Cleo was as protective of what was hers as Kris was of what was his. And they did own each other now as the ring on Cleo’s finger clearly displayed for the whole world to see. Calmly brushing back a strand of her hair from her face Cleo sent the Slytherin girl a lazy smirk that had only become even more customary for Cleo after she had began hanging around Kris, “And this wasn’t a threat, but rather a promise. And as a free word of advice – don’t underestimate me.” Without really waiting for a reply Cleo turned and headed towards the Hogwarts castle with a lazy saunter and a sway of her hips. She had a detention to serve now.

[kris]

Kris closed his eyes behind the sunglasses as Cleo left. While Kris’s insides were in a much bigger turmoil that he had expected after killing that Death Eater and Cleo’s company made him feel somewhat easier. Or at least it kept his mind distracted. Kris sighed and bent one of his knees as he shifted his body and laid the back of his head on a bigger rock. The ground he was laying on was cold and perhaps not quite healthy, Kris mused lazily but the idle thought wasn’t enough to make him move. The ground wasn’t frozen anymore and he doubted he would get sick anyway. He hadn’t been sick for years. Well, he had had quite a number of battered bones, and dislocated limbs and bruises and gashes on his body, but years since he had last had a fever or a cold or a flu or any kind of sickness in the regular meaning of the word. Yet Kris felt slightly sick mentally today.

Kris felt Morrigan tug on his right sleeve so he reached his hand out at the side letting the small kitten play with his fingers and tug at his wrist while she kept on climbing over Kris’s arm rather playfully. At least Morrigan was unaffected by all that was going on. Dana herself was gone. Her shoulder had been healed quickly as it had been only a flesh-wound but she was wounded mentally. She was gone now and she would be safe for now. The break and some solitude would perhaps do her good. And even though it cut Kris a little he would have to let Dana come to him when she was ready for it. Kris didn’t comment on Dana’s absence, even though there had been plenty of questions after the pieces of her wand had been found, the wand being snapped into two uneven pieces. Kris had the pieces in his dormitory but he wasn’t too worries. Dana had gone to the muggle world and she had sent an owl and most likely she would have needed a new want after her experience. It was a sign that she was growing up and learning that things didn’t always reach a happy ending. It was a lesson Dana had a to learn, even though Kris had never had the heart to teach her that.

Yet he was avoiding the topic he actually had to think about and the sooner the better. How would killing a man influence him? Did it turn him colder, crueler? Would it make him weaker or stronger? Cleo stayed by his side which was a comfort, yet Kris still had to think as he couldn’t hid the impact of what he had done from himself. Morrigans meow alerted Kris to someone’s approach and a few moments later he caught a familiar smell of a shampoo that he recognized. While he wouldn’t want the company of most right now, he could handle Sam. Maybe even relate to her better now. “One pretty girl goes and an other comes," Kris stated softly and almost pensively before grimacing slightly, "That statement would have just earned me another pull on my ear from Cleopatra, had she heard it. Take a seat, Sam."

[Samantha Driscoll]

She was wearing black. She liked the colour, liked the cut of the skirt, it was similar to a – Samantha smiled a little to herself – muggle cut. She half-wished her mother was still here, just to see her expression if she had known her own daughter was dressed very similarly to a muggle. It had been a flash of inspiration really, an impulse she had acted on before she could give it much further thought and end up changing her mind. It was the dress of one of the females in the many portraits at Hogwarts, old-fashioned but simple and stylish, and Samantha had ordered some black fabric and made it with her wand and as such it was not well-made, was also a little looser in some places than it should be, but she had made it herself and that was all that mattered. In fact, that was what she had been busy with the last few days, that and trying to catch up with her studies and visiting the Hospital Wing every now and then for a quick talk with Madam Pomfrey. She'd been detached form all that was going on at Hogwarts and in fact had just heard about all the commotion and the injuries the Death Eaters had caused a few hours ago. She had spent a few hours in the Hospital Wing feeling completely numb, astounded that they had got into Hogwarts again, and not knowing if she had wanted to be there or not when they arrived. And then she had heard Dana got hurt and her first thought was of Kris and whether he had been there and that she needed to talk to him urgently and she forced herself to wake up from her thoughts and go find him and talk about this. She finally found him on the grounds with Cleo who she had yet to meet. She was just about to smile at her when she saw the look on Cleo's face. She stared at her without saying anything listening to her and flinching at the mention of Azkaban. She hated it when people talked about that, they would never know what that was like, and the only person she had talked about it too was Kris, damn her, she wasn't here to talk to her anyway. More confused than hurt Samantha decided to just brush the words away and focus on what she was really here for.

As if she had it in her to hurt a fly let alone hurt Kris… could she not see the state of her? And she certainly didn’t underestimate her, Kris didn't so she didn't, that was all there was to it. Sam seated herself next to her friend, trying to get a little sun on her legs as she replied to him. "I don't think she has anything to be afraid of Kris. A Slytherin doesn’t give their heart easily to someone and when you do I don’t think anyone else will quite be the same," she said. She had very little experience in such matters and she didn’t feel like discussing this with Kris and anyway this was not what she was here for. "So you had a second run-in with the bast – with the Death Eaters. I never thought I'd hear myself say this Kris – but I know now that that's a road no-one should ever go down in life. It's one of the first things that I became thankful for when I begin to realise that all that happened to me was an eye-opener," she said thoughtfully. "I can’t believe they got into this place again," she said, hatred, disgust and disbelief all combined and apparent in her voice.

[kris]

Kris heard the shuffling of cloth as Sam took a seat and he also felt Morrigan climbing onto his chest before bouncing over Kris to greet Sam. Kris didn’t have that much energy, he felt almost drained as he didn’t move himself. Even his brain seemed to have switch to a slower speed now so it took a moment before Kris understood what Sam was thinking about. A very rare and a very brief smile curved his lips for a moment before his face well back into it’s bleak state as that expression didn’t require any effort to keep it up. “She doesn’t have anything to fear and she knows as well as I do that I couldn’t deny her anything. But who knows when she decides to become a feminist for a moment? I really do love her,” Kris replied almost lazily as he mind briefly traveled to the red-headed spit-fire who have taken over so big part of his life so suddenly.

Kris felt a breath of wind move a strand of his hair over his forehead and he fought to keep the next sigh in. “Always the lady,” Kris commented as Samantha refrained from finishing the swearword. Kris had heard much worse – had said much worse – yet swearing didn’t suit females in Kris’s opinion so Kris was almost glad Sam hadn’t finished the word somewhere deep inside him. “It was Dana’s run-in rather than mine,” Kris replied after letting the silence stretch for a while. Samantha didn’t spend time avoiding the topic and in some way Kris was glad of it. His nerves mightn’t have survived through pointless sweet-talk. And it had been Dana who took the hit this time, as much as Kris would have preferred their positions had been different. Kris let silence stretch for one more moment wondering how to serve it. Yet was there even a way how to say it softer without making a death ridiculous? “I killed one of them. Antonin Dolohov. I killed him,” Kris said bluntly without moving a muscle being in an almost waiting reaction. Even though he wasn’t exactly sure what he was waiting for. For Sam to run away, for her to slap him for her to do… anything?

Kris inhaled sharply being bothered that he let it disturb him so much. He shifted almost nervously as he stated as if he was trying to justify himself. It might not have sounded from his voice : “I don’t regret it and I would do it again. The bullet went through Dana’s shoulder and ended in his heart. I think the Ministry is considering giving me a medal for ‘displaying a cool head in a dangerous situation and saving others’. In each generation there are idiots. The rest - well, all of them are mostly idiots. Among those idiots there are some who can't even spell 'idiot'. And I think Fudge classifies in the last category.” Kris let silence stretch for what seemed hours even if it in reality might have only been seconds. But his nerves were twitchy enough as they were so Kris almost needed some reaction so using a fake American accent Kris drawled out: “So, ya gonna let go or are we gonna stand here all day playin' tango?”


((*shifts uncomfortably* Don't think I'm a complete lunatic. the last sentence kind of just... had to come out. Acually i'm in a mood to write either Mulciber or a hyper Kris ))

[Samantha Driscoll]

The “L” word. It sounded strange coming from Kris, but no matter. She was happy for him and rather curious about the whole thing between him and Cleo but not curious enough to ask him and ignore the other matters at hand. And then another “L” word. Lady. What was that anyway? She wasn’t a lady. She was just another girl, looking for some meaning, for a new direction, and it didn’t matter to her in the least whether she was a lady, if she did the things the proper way or not, and how people perceived and interpreted them. It had mattered too much one time but that was long ago in the past and maybe it would not again later on but it certainly didn’t now. If he could see what she was wearing he most certainly wouldn’t have used that word. But this was not the time to play the role of a feminist herself. She listened to him, watching his face. Though Sam did not wish that Kris ever be hurt in any way his being blind was an advantage for her at times like this, she could watch him unabashedly, his every move and change of expression, and with someone like Kris it was still hard to fathom him sometimes even under such close scrutiny.

Samantha inhaled sharply, and she knew Kris heard it. But she did not move away. Not in a thousand years. He could’ve confessed to the most disgusting of sins and she thought she might have sat there anyway, she’d walked a long way down the road of evil, and for all she knew she might have walked to the end of it, and she understood what it was like. And yet it didn’t sound like he had done something evil. Quite the contrary. “You’ve saved a lot of people a lot of pain,” she said, a little lost for words. How had he managed to do it anyway? He was blind but it seemed that for some people there was just no holding them back. “Kris you just can’t imagine how much they actually enjoy evil – I did too once, but not Crucio – and that’s just child’s play to them.” She smiled when he talked about the medal. He sure as hell deserved it. “Well sure the Ministry’s workers are all a bunch of dunderheads, and you know how great you are, but a little recognition never hurt anyone,” she said. She sensed there was more to the matter but she was going to take it slowly, let him tell her what he wanted to at his own pace. She admired him for his courage and didn’t blame him at all for what he’d done. “It’s the only thing you could do in such a situation Kris, but it takes guts to do it and you did,” she said. She wondered whether she could and thought she could. The thought was not disconcerting – in a way it strengthened her.

“Let go of what exactly, dude?” she asked, trying to imitate him. She didn’t pull it off quite as well as he did. `

[kris]

Sam’s sharp intake of breath as a response to his words didn’t really help. Kris actually felt twitchy and he hated it. HE didn’t know why it bothered him so much yet it did. Kris didn’t move for a while after Sam’s words as he took them in and let them roll through his mind slowly. He saved people? Maybe in some way. Yet he had hurt one of the persons who he held dear. Was that fair? Kris would have rather let a couple of strangers suffer than Dana. “I’m not a hero,” Kris practically snarled out, “I don’t want NOR deserve a medal.” Pulling himself to a sitting position Kris pulled himself to a slight crouch before straightening up and marching a couple of steps forward while leaving Morrigan and his cane to Samantha. Doing a couple of Lamaze breathing exercises – they helped one calm even if you weren’t giving birth - Kris turned on his heel and stalked back even though he wasn’t feeling any more peaceful.

“I hurt Dana in the process. I’m a Slytherin – where was the cunningness and the ability to get out of everything without any trouble like Slytherins are supposed to have? There must have been an other way out of the situation without Dana getting hurt, yet I was too blind, too stupid to find it and use it,” Kris stated rather broodingly as he stood next to Samantha ignoring Morrigan was appeared to be trying to climb up by the leg of his pants, “What makes you think I’m not evil? Evil enough to have actually enjoyed the killing itself? Don’t mistake me for a saint or even someone innocent because I’m far from it.” Kris pushed both of his hands through his hair applying gently pressure on his skull as he did so while squeezing his eyes tightly shut behind the sunglasses. He knew that Samantha didn’t deserve to have to suffer through his moodiness. And she most definitely didn’t deserve Kris snapping at her for her words that meant well. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have lost control over myself like that and snapped. You most certainly do not deserve that,” Kris stated evenly as he let his hands drop down to his sides again as he looked towards where Samantha had sat before, “I’m not good company today I’m afraid, so you don’t have to stick around.”

Morrigan dropped away from where she had clung to Kris’s pants so suing the moment Kris turned again and took a couple of long strides further away, the fingers of his right hand drumming a march on his finger. With the turmoil in his head Kris couldn’t tell right now whether it was a wedding march or a funeral march, but the two were similar so maybe it was a mixture of the two. Kris stood perfectly still other than his head drooping as he sighed. He wished he could take a moment out of his life to take a break which might bring joy back to his life. Maybe someone could solve all his problems and correct all his mistakes then. But for now his soul felt tired and his mind didn’t seem to listen to his heart. “Sometimes I wish I’d have the guts loose. That I could give up on all the fears and pain and lies and shame and secrecy and losses. That I could actually feel that it’s all over and just leave it that way.”

[Samantha Driscoll]

“Kris are you completely-” she stopped herself at the last minute, she had almost said “blind” and then realised that she would have to choose her words more carefully. “Can’t you see – I mean – can’t you realise that what you did is something you should be admired for. You did what you had to do. You hurt her but you saved her, and a number of other people who should be grateful to you who you’ve never met. And no, you’re not a hero in your book because you set impossible goals and you almost achieve them, but then the smallest thing goes wrong and you see that and not the accomplishment you made.” It was not only he who she was berating, it was she as well, and it was Kris that was making her see it. They wanted it all or nothing and it just didn’t work out that way.

She stared at him in disbelief and then seized his wrists after he snapped. “Cunning? Damn you Kris how many blind people have managed to kill a Death Eater and save innocent lives? What more do you want of yourself?” she paused for breath and then continued furiously. “Swear at me and let out all your frustration. We’re two friends and yes we’re Slytherins but between us we can let out all our frustration and admit to our weaknesses. I’ve done it enough times already. I never said you were a saint. Never said there was no evil in you. But what you did was an act of bravery, an act of love; you don’t go about killing innocent souls. It’s one thing to bully someone and it’s a completely different thing to cause them physical pain or kill them. If you enjoyed it you would know it. You wouldn’t be here now feeling guilty, you would be thinking about how and when you were going to get the chance to do it again,” she said. It was a painful and repulsive thought, but her father had been like that, even though he hadn’t been in Death Eater. Somehow she had seen the murders her family had committed as excusable and for a noble cause.

“No you don’t,” she said, and with a certainty that surprised her. “That’s not who you are, not who I am, it’s our inability to accept failure that defines who we are. I don’t know if it has to do with us being in Slytherin or not, but it’s who we are, it’s why when you lost your eyesight your life didn’t end, and when I came out of Azkaban mine didn’t. We had a choice to make and we chose to continue, the same way we chose to stop those Death Eaters from killing or hurting the ones we loved, the ones who matter. And it’s not everyday that someone can do something like that Kris. And that stupid medal is no reward for what you did. The greatest reward is that Dana is still alive – and you are the reason for it. Love yourself for it Kris; congratulate yourself on being the reason for it. The only thing you need to let go of is your guilt,” she said and there were tears streaming down her cheeks.

[kris]

Admired for? No. Kris didn’t want admiration. He wanted to be a good enough husband and a father to gain the respect and love of his family, but he didn’t need admiration. While Kris had his bursts of vanity he rather wished for a simple and quiet life in his own estates where he could do what he loved and care for his animals. He knew that he could never fully adapt that life-style as he had far too many duties for that, but he might be able to steal a little bit of time for this day-dream now and then. But he didn’t want admiration. He didn’t deserve admiration. “I took a chance and in the end hurt Dana. There’s nothing admirable in that, nothing to be thankful for,” Kris stated bitterly, “I swore to myself that I would never let her get hurt again when we were both kids. And here I go hurting her myself. I didn’t accomplish anything.” Had it been that much of an impossible goal? It might have been but Kris had succeeded in it mostly so far? Why couldn’t it have lasted longer?

“I only know two other blind people and neither of them is exactly cheery enough for me to want to question them about their pasts,” Kris stated icily as he turned facing Sam from the distance he had created between them, “Did you think I aimed myself considering the condition I’m in? No. I just wasn’t able to think of anything better to do and that’s what I won’t forgive myself. I wasn’t able to think of some other way to avoid Dana getting hurt. Did you think it was fun for me to carry her to the Hospital Wing after she was bleeding because of what I did?” Kris lowered his head again as he tried to gain control over his emotions. True, Sam was a friend. But still Kris had his secrets that he kept from her. Secrets he kept from everyone. Kris almost wished he could cry because he wasn’t able to show in any other way what was going on in his heart. Syllables were too lifeless, numb. And there were plenty of wisdoms learned form the books, but those were so try. Sometimes Kris was afraid that no one knew what was hiding in his heart, because why would something you couldn’t read or see or hear or touch matter? Or maybe there were simply too many emotions and too few words, so all the words were already said. Maybe people should forget words that could be twisted in such treacherous ways and trust eyes and read the thoughts from them? Yet that was hardly an option in Kris’s case either as he was blind.

Kris could hear the tears in Sam’s voice as he listened to his words. Life wasn’t over? True. But it certainly had changed. Yet that didn’t give him a right to bring back bad memories for Sam. Closing the distance between them Kris took a seat next to Sam placing one arm around her shoulders as she pulled the girl closer and dropped an absent-minded kiss on the top of her head. His left hand plucked a small flower from the grass as Kris presented it to Sam just as absently: “Don’t cry.” Kris rubbed small circles on Sam’s back as they sat there for a moment as Kris mulled over her words. Sam had a very good point and Kris wouldn’t give up. He couldn’t really as there were too many people depending on him. Yet that didn’t make moving on any easier. “Dana is alive, but she left. She will be scarred by what happened in the hallway that day, not only physically but also mentally. And I can’t help her.” Kris stroked Morrigan’s – who had climbed onto his lap – back with his other hand as he turned his face towards where the lake was being drawn to water like he always was. His element really was water in perhaps more than one way. “You know I won’t do anything stupid like throwing myself of a tower or something like that. But I’m not the same I was before anymore either.”

[Samantha Driscoll]

“Sure there’s nothing to be admired, every Tom, thingy and Harry, would have taken that chance Kris, now I come to think of it, it’s a common occurrence, blind people save others everyday! Their bloody specialty is shooting; maybe you should consider teaching it!” She was having trouble controlling her emotions; she had been ever since she left Azkaban and especially when she was Kris. “What if she had died Kris, have you ever looked at it from that point of view? Oh wait, you’re blind, you can shoot but you can’t look at things from different points of view,” she stormed at him, more than a little hurt that he had distanced himself from her. She let go of his wrists a little too forcefully but she was angry.

She listened despite her fury and tried to regain her composure. “I’m sick of being afraid, sick of the scars, sick of looking back Kris! Let’s let go, once and for all. If we’ve changed so be it, the only permanent thing in life is change. And in the end it doesn’t have to be for the worst. What happened is a proof of your love for her, that you will always protect her the best that you can, and that you did everything that you could possibly do, and if you can’t see that, then trust my damn word, not because I’m your friend, but because you know I wouldn’t praise you for anything less than perfect. So you acted on an impulse without thinking, but maybe that was what saved her! Maybe if you had taken a moment to consider Dana wouldn’t be here now of she might have been injured for life, that’s another favourite with Death Eaters! And how the hell are you supposed to prepare yourself for that kind of situation? Do you think I don’t wish I had chosen some other way to save Charlie? Do you think I haven’t blamed myself for it hundreds of times, beaten myself over it? But the truth is it was all I knew in that moment, and it was came to me when I saw the animalistic predatory viciousness in the eyes of that Death Eater! I hated myself once for that choice, but now I know better! And I know that in the end all that matters is that I saved him and because of all that happened I decided to change my life! Look at it from that perspective and stop saying what you did was foolish! What you’re doing now is foolish, not what you did then!” she said.

She was in his arms before she knew it. “Don’t tell me what to do!” she snapped, her tears soaking his shoulder. The tears were cleansing and she should have cried them ages ago. “It would do you good yourself if you cried too! And don’t shut the world out Kris, or at least not the ones you love and the ones who love you. Maybe they’ll understand, you’ll never know unless you try and explain. If I don’t then Cleo will,” she said. She pulled him to her and put her hand on his heart and took his hand and put it next to hers. “Dana has a heart and so do you Kris. Of course it’s affected you both. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to affect the relationship between you two, it's just a test for it. She needs you even if she can’t say it. She just needs sometime to accept what happened, and if she waits too long, then swallow your pride and go to her. What’s pride between a brother and a sister?” she asked. She lifted her head and kissed him on the cheek.

[kris]

Kris felt cold inside even at the mention of the prospect that Dana would be dead as Sam stormed at him. Kris knew that she had every right to do so. Had any of his friends been in such a miserable state he would have done the same until they would understand that it wasn’t actually this bad. That life went on. Yet when you were the one being the miserable one it wasn’t nearly as easy to accept what had happened and move on without any hard feelings. Kris winced slightly at Sam’s snipe at being blind but didn’t say anything about it. He had deserved it and Sam was a Slytherin, meaning she knew that this would touch Kris, therefore almost forcing him to pay attention. Kris knew that he had to move on as well, but was he quite ready to do so yet? “Change? But what if I didn’t change for the better? I trust your opinions and words, but that doesn’t make it easier for me to accept them!” Kris replied quietly as he continued rubbing the small circles on Samantha’s back, “And now I have made you cry as well.” Another thing he would blame on himself even if he wouldn’t say it out loud.

“I learned how easily a life can be taken. And maybe that finally taught me that you can’t put a price on it. Maybe it would be easier if I didn’t care? Because if I don’t care then I won’t get hurt when the people I cared for die or leave,” Kris asked Sam almost bleakly, “Maybe I should get over my selfishness and let Cleo go. Maybe I should let her go just because I’m not sure I could survive without her there or because I might not be able to handle the pain of her dieing?” Kris had been shutting the world out for so long that he almost didn’t know how to open up anymore. He was afraid to do it. “I don’t cry,” Kris murmured not bothering to specify. He didn’t cry anywhere but in a hid clearing on a small Estonian island where he had buried a friend he had hurt himself. Kris swore, raged, destroyed but never cried when he got hurt, because he was so used to saving his tears for when he returned to that burying place yet again. He couldn’t stay there for long yet he couldn’t not go either.

Kris was about to say that Dana might not want to keep their relationship when they were before closing his mouth with a small snap again. He would have been furious if anyone else had underestimated Dana like that so how could he himself do it? They would survive, but with what price? Kris was almost afraid of learning that answer as well. “Pride? I’m only 6 months older than Dana, even though it seems like 6 years sometimes. She has almost turned to me for help or advice, even as a child she came running to me when she fell and hurt her knee not to some grown-up who could heal it immediately, she came to me for comfort when she had a nightmare, still does. While I always knew it wasn’t right I suppose I enjoyed the fact that she saw a hero inside me that doesn’t exist. Almost idealized me. After this… I’m just not sure if I’m ready to let her grow up and understand all my faults,” Kris replied barely about whisper as even he wasn’t able to completely sort out the feelings inside him.

[Samantha Driscoll]

“Well you’re not showing it Kris! I’m not asking you to accept them right this minute, I’m just saying that you don’t have to make what you did then define you and change the way you think. I think you’re scared of what you did because you didn’t know you could do it and you’re scared that you liked it but like I said that is clearly not the case. It is scary learning something about yourself that you didn’t know – but you shouldn’t let that make you think there’s more evil in you than you knew, even if you can’t see what you did as I do or others would which is a brave act.” She was not sure why he didn’t think that – at least she wasn’t convinced with his line of reasoning - but she was trying to understand him the best that she could so she could reason with him. “Kris, I think Dana’s is just as confused as you are. And she’s probably also going through her own guilt because she made you do something like that. Maybe that’s why she’s shying away from you. But you need to let her know you’re still you, you need to explain yourself to her, and you need to let her tell you what’s bothering her. Someone’s got to give this a try and maybe the other one will meet them half-way. You’re not getting anywhere by just sitting here and feeling guilty,” she said. She had finally calmed down. She had a lot to say about what he said next even though it was a lesson she was still learning herself.

“I can’t do that anymore. Maybe you can. But if you ask me we force ourselves into believing that we don’t give a damn and teach ourselves not to. That’s when we change Kris; at least that’s how it’s been in my experience. I cut myself off from everyone including the only person who ever really loved me and thought that not getting emotionally attached to anyone or anything made me strong and unbreakable. And it filled me with bitterness and drove me to do things I can’t imagine I did now.” She waved his last words away with a disbelieving hand that he didn’t see. “I never cried before too. But I learnt. And I was only meaning you have to let your emotions go, not with anyone, not with people who aren’t worthy of seeing your emotions and their strength, but with those who appreciate and understand, few as they might be. And yes, losing someone you love is hard, and I can’t imagine what life would be like without Charlie. All I can say is that I’m not letting go of him until I have to, because then I would only be losing even more, even if by keeping him close means that when the time comes it will be harder to say goodbye, because then my life would be emptier than empty, because it would not have a life to begin with. I lost my parents and I didn’t love them nor they me. If they were the only people in my life than I wouldn’t call it a life. I want to love Charles if it means losing him one day because then my existence would actually mean something, mean that someone thought me worthy enough and that it meant something to me. Would you rather you had never known Meredith and Julien?” she asked finally.

"Do you really think she thinks you’re perfect? Do you really think she doesn’t see the weaknesses, the imperfections, know some of them like the back of her hand? Who's the façade of being unbreakable really for Kris? Dana? Me? Cleo? Then think twice my friend because all the above see them, and Dana probably sees them the most. She knows you better than anyone. And if Cleo really loves you then she sees them and loves you anyway. Just because you have them doesn’t make you weak or any less of a hero or idol for Dana,” she said. “Ask her if you have to, but I don’t think you will after you two have talked this over,” she said. She dropped down on the grass, exhausted, but keenly watching his face and waiting for his reply.

[kris]

Scared of what he did. True, fear had been a very big part of what he had felt when he pulled the trigger. But it hadn’t been fear of what would happen to him or that he would kill. Kris had almost wanted to kill. But he had been worried for Dana. What if his aim – even if it had been directed – had been wrong? So many ‘what if’ questions were circling through Kris’s head. He knew that there was no point in asking them from himself because those what ifs hadn’t happened, yet he hadn’t succeeded in banishing them either. “I have killed before. I was younger and the situation was quite a bit different, but I have killed,” Kris stated quietly. His nightmare and curse. And even if it had been a horse rather than a human Kris had killed, didn’t mean that it hadn’t left a big imprint in his life. Considering his much younger age it had perhaps influenced him even more than killing the Death Eater now. But that didn’t matter right now. “I saw Dana go and I owled the two pieces of the wand she broke after him. But she asked me not to come looking for me and I’ll respect that request, no matter what it takes out of me. She told me she needed to be alone now,” Kris said with a shake of his head, even if it hurt him so badly to be so far away from Dana right now.

Kris didn’t argue with Sam. Really now, he had no grounds from where to argue with her. Had their roles been changed Kris would have told her pretty much the same thing. “You are starting to become a little bit too smart for me,” Kris told Sam quietly before falling silent again. Life was difficult to understand and therefore even more difficult to handle. “Sometimes I wish I was still a child so I could jump in rain puddles and understand the real beings of things, to see wonders in dewdrops and go without being afraid of the night and darkness; to be able be honest without even thinking of it, or to sing from my heart without trying to rhyme the lines. To wash away all yesterday in the morning and not pretend, nor to close myself somewhere but rather go and sail on an unnamed sea; to become intoxicated of nothing at all and give away the things I love most without a second thought; to tire of the same thing over and over again and have a sense of right and wrong, to be happy with only stale bread for lunch and to dear to call my loved ones dear, to hold with my soul and hate with real hatred. Sometimes I wish I could have been a child from my birth to my death.”

Kris didn’t reply for some time. Sam as right. Deep down inside Kris knew it. Yet he took quite a while before he answered. Yet he couldn’t be afraid, he couldn’t cry. “That façade is for me, Sam. I needed – still need – the connection, the feel that I would be able to protect her, as she trusts me to do so. That somehow her trust in me would almost turn my shortcomings into virtues.” Kris fell silent before standing and pulling Sam up again almost absent-mindedly murmuring: “Don’t sit on the ground, it’s still too cold for that, especially so for a girl if you still want to have kids one day.” Kris gathered his walking cane before on a sudden impulse gathering Sam into a hug while dropping a random kiss on the top of her head, much like he sometimes did with Dana. “Pained words do hurt, so lets not say them. So I won’t tell just today. But thank you.” Kris held Sam for one more moment hoping that the girl would understand how much her words had actually helped Kris, even if he hadn’t made it easy on her, before turning and walking away towards the general direction of the Forbidden Forest, even though Kris wouldn’t enter it this close to the general view from the school.


((Thank you SO much for this post, even though I know how busy you are! *tight huggle* It helped Kris a lot.))

[Samantha Driscoll]

She needed her space, but she wouldn’t need it forever. Couldn’t Kris see that? And he had killed before. How many secrets were behind those black glasses, and did anyone know all of them? She wondered what his motive had been and if he would ever tell her and if he had stopped blaming himself for it. She had never heard of it and she knew a lot about the histories of all the pureblood families. “Do you know, I almost wish that was true,” she said, running her hand through her hair. But it was anything but. At least if she possessed one iota of intelligence some of her words would have got through to him, or at least she’d have managed to make him feel less guilty and a little happier.

She thought of her own wasted childhood. She’d never done any of those things, half of them she hadn’t even thought of. What had she been doing as a child? That part of her life seemed so vague, she remembered being scolded and reprimanded, told to do this and not that – she didn’t even know what the sound of her singing voice was. She wished she had all he said and more, and she understood what he wanted if not all of his words. And somewhere she was going to find a little of it, if not all, but enough to make her feel that she hadn’t missed out on it all. She searched for words to say and found none. He needed to think and then they’d talk again – he needed to listen again, and she was as tired as he was. She allowed herself a small sad smile as he kissed her, disappointed as she was. But she’d tried. She had to acknowledge that.

She wished he’d stay, and she’d hold him to her and they’d say nothing, but how did you keep a wave upon the sand? She stretched out her hand after him, a hand she knew he could not see, but it was stretched out to everything she wished she had now and was everything she wished was working out the way it should but she knew was going to take time: her friends, her dreams – her life.

((No, thank you. And that’s the second time Kris runs away from one of the Driscolls))