Searching for myself ((Samantha))

[kris]

It was curious really. His body remembered most of the required movements and Kris did them almost instinctively even though he didn’t see anymore. But still it had taken Meredith to make him understand it. Kris felt a bit better now after had had cut his hair and Meredith had practically forced himself into new clothes. He even liked his new walking cane somehwat with it’s black ebony wood and the silver head of a thestral adorning the walking cane. He would go to the castle a bit later. Mary and Dana would be glad to see him walking with the new cane and haircut. Kris would go and eat in the Great Hall for the first time after The Attack where he got hurt had taken place. But just now Kris wasn’t completely ready to go and meet the crowd in the castle.

It was rather nice out here. The Grounds were empty and quiet. Most likely because it was raining. Not even real rain but a light drizzle. It wasn’t windy, the light rain was just pouring down. Kris didn’t mind the rain soaking him to the bone. His clothes would dry wiht one simple flick of his wand.
Kris slowly walked across the Grounds ignoring the quiet pitiful meows of Morrigan on his shoulder. The small kitten didn’t like the rain. Kris figured hat the black ball of fur might be freezing it’s fur completely battered down. Kris let out a quiet comforting murmur to calm Morrigan a bit. It seemed to work as Morrigan did quiet down and a few moments later extracted her claws. Already knowing the signal Kris stopped and raised his cane a little moving it in front of him in a slow circular motion. The cane met a tree in front o fKris almost immitiately and Kris stepped forward a little so he could rest one of his hands against the tree. An oak Kris noticed without real interest for the small fact.

Slipping his wand out from his sleeve Kris muttered the quiet enchantment before seating himself on the thin pillow of air had had created. He wasn’t minding the rain, but that didn’t mean he would want to sit on wet grass. Leaning his back against the oak Kris removed the black leather jacket from his shoulders and placed it on the ground next to him. He had barely had time to place it there when Morrigan’s wet fur brushed his hand already as the kitten crawled under the jacket.
Raising one of his knees Kris leaned one of his arms on it and lost himself in thoughts. Scared, confused, uncertain what to do with his life. Being blind would influence him. Kris just wasn’t sure exactly in which way? But even in this state Kris paid some attentiont o his surroundings. Spending years in different forsts had taught him to pay attention.

The approaching footsteps had been light. But they had been a different sond from the surrounding silence so that had caught Kris’s attention. That and the quiet sound Morrigan made. It had to be someone Kris knew. People he didn’t and most people form other houses didn’t approach him. Yesterday a 4th year Gryffindor boy who Kris had had a few run-ins after turning blind had ducked into the girls bathroom upon seeing him approach down the hallway. Kris had had a rather bad reputation previously and it had only worsened like his wood after coming out of coma. Kris didn’t really mind it actually. He had never cared for too much company.

„You must be a philosoper, gotten lost or fallen asleep somewhere on the grounds or a friend to be out here and approach me,“ Kris drawled out slowly breaking the silence, „So which of the three previously mentioned three are you? Must admit that at my case I’m none. Slightly crazy might work for me. Or perhaps drop the ’slightly’.“

[Samantha Driscoll]

She was humming. No particular tune, just something random that had come into her head, a jumble of mismatched notes that sounded strange even to her own ears but were strangely relaxing – or to tell the truth, distracting. That was Samantha's new strategy, her new way of living: finding ways away from everyone that made her thoughts wander away from everything and from the grim reality she didn’t want and wasn't planning to face anytime soon. Everything was so difficult. She still didn’t want to use her wand and so that meant she was doing nothing in class except for Herbology – a class she had always hated till now. They had yet to take Care of Magical Creatures – she didn’t know when they were going to and it wasn't anything that concerned her now.

All her time was now spent outside on the grounds. She wasn't even sure if she had changed her clothes this week or not, though judging by the condition of the burgundy sweater she was wearing she doubted it. She spent her time taking long walks, the occasional dive into the lake, or making things out of fallen twigs and leaves, anything to pass the time, to consume all her energy till night came so she could return to the Hospital Wing and fall asleep exhausted without thinking. She'd had trouble sleeping those first few nights back the darkness inexorably reminding her of Azkaban and she had insisted the Madam Pomfrey keep a light on beside her in her room. She was also avoiding Charles despite her knowing that he wanted to see her – she didn’t want to hear what he had to say right now, she didn’t want him to see her this way, she'd didn’t want anyone criticising her or asking her to do anything till she was ready, whenever that was to happen.

It was raining, not heavily so as to obscure vision but enough so that she was soaked through. The stubborn person she was though meant that Samantha sought the refuge of a tree instead of going into the school and risking meeting anyone. There was, however, a person under the tree. Her first instinct was to run under another tree until she recognised that person and wondered what he was doing outside in the middle of the rain. She stood silently for a few moments that could have been hours for all she knew, time seemed of so little significance now – morning, evening, dawn dusk, did it matter? Certainly not to her any more she though as she stared at him and something startling came to her attention as her eyes drifted over his cane, the glasses on his eyes, and the way he was leaning on the tree. She gave a start when he talked to her but she didn’t run away.

"I was once a philosopher. And I was once your friend. Now, I am neither. I do not have a philosophy and I am not the same person you were friends with so I do not know if that is what we are anymore," she said in a tired voice. "I am the third person – I'm lost – but not on the grounds – I'm lost –" she sighed deeply. Where exactly was she lost? She didn’t even know if it was somewhere outside, it was more an inner feeling of despair and helplessness that just wouldn’t leave her and the only way to deal with it she had found was to try and deny her loss, for how long she did not know, but for as long as could. What he said drove all thoughts of running away from her mind.

Samantha laughed a strange mirthless laugh that somehow sounded like a scary unhinged sort of giggle rather than a sane happy laugh at the word crazy. "You have come close to knowing who I am. They say I was on the brink of insanity, that they saved me at the last moment. Personally, I don’t know what to believe any more. I don’t want to - " she stopped abruptly, not wanting to share the thought with Kris, for somewhere she was too ashamed to confess that she didn’t want to care. She looked at him once again and changed the subject in an impolite manner very unlike the Samantha Kris had known before.

"Kris, are you blind? I mean, that much is obvious, but how is it that you rendered yourself so?" she asked curiously. She hadn’t been curious about anything in such along time. She kneeled down beside his chair, studying his face closely, as if in search of a mark the blindness had left on him, but she could see nothing. "I can imagine the female population at Hogwarts is none too pleased that you have cut your hair," she said, surprising herself at the mild stab at light-heartedness. She was in no mood for joking – but then what was she in a mood for? She pushed the irritating question to the back of her mind, and awaited his answer, pulling at the threads at the bottom of her frayed sweater.

[kris]

Even after his words silence stretched for a few more moments before the person silently responded to Kris. His lips curved only slightly, yet to everyone who would see the slight curve it would be obvious that it was a smile. Kris didn’t have the cheeriest personality nor was he overly friendly. But he knew what he wanted and that gave him confidence in everything he did that drew people towards him sometimes. But all his friends, how ever few people Kris called firends, were all carefully hand-picked and Smaantha was certianly one of those. He still had enough vanity in him as well to slip his finegers through his hair, that reached his chin: „It will grow back to reach my shoulders again in no time.“

„Ah, Samantha, I have been wishing to see you, though! Well, not excetly ’see’ as you pointed out as I am blind, to meet you. And at the brink of insanity? Well, who of us isn’t insane? What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?“ Kris answered with a slight, almost friendly smirk hovering upon his lips, „Believe that people who aren’t able to accept you as you are don’t deserve to know you either.“
Azkaban. Kris had never seen the wizarding prison and hopefully never would have to see it. But Kris knew why Samantha had been there. She had raised he wand to protect her younger brother. Pretty much the same situation Kris had found himself in on the Hogwarts Express. He would rather die than let any harm come to Dana.
Kris hated the topic and so far people who had asked him about it had all been either lied to or just cursed. This was Samantha so Kris answered after a silence.

„The attack on Hogwarts Express. I was accompaning Dana – my cousin and most probably best friend – on her prefect tours. Or actually was forced to follow her as she caught me bullying some first year kiddos. We had the ’luck’ of walking into the Death Eaters attacking just as they appeared on the train,“ Kris stated the facts simple as he held his walking cane in his hand slowly turning it, wishing he could see the thestrals head. He had never understood why thestrals were feared. They were smart animals, cared for their young and old, they were smart. Was it because the were a reminder of death to people who saw them? Something unidentified and scaring to those who didn’t see them? Kris wished he could see thestrals again. Count the dark-brown stripes on the legs of their younglings again.
„I was hit by the curse in the back of my head. After awaking from coma I heard heard the happy news that I’m blind from the Hospital Wing mirror,“ Kris lifted his hand and rmeoved his sun-glasses ismply looking at Samantha for a moment, knowing what it must have looked like. A black cover over his eyes, cover that would never be removed. Cover that had bured Kris in a life-time of threatening blackness while looking lifeless and emotionless black shield to everyone else. Slipping his glasses back at place Kris laughed mirthlessly: „You know, what’s curious? What I didn’t know about the curse before? Even if I should cry, my tears are now black. I suppose I should be happy for being alive, but in this literal darkness it’s hard to find something to be happy for.“

Kris tilted his head thinking about Samantha’s words. She HAD been his friend? „Morrigan, where?“ Kris ordered sharply and a few moments later felt the weight of the young kitten climbing over his leg and yet a moment later Morrigan let otu a few meows directing Kris where exactly Samantha was.
Reaching out his hand Kris caught Samantha’s arm and let his hand slide over his shoulder up to his face as Morrigan disapperaed to stay curled up under Kris’s discarded jacket once again.
„’You were once my friend’. Funny, I always thought friendship was a two-way deal. And I haven’t received any notification that the firendship is over as I don’t choose my friends too easily,“ Kris drawled out slowly raising both of his hands. His fingers with their bit roughened pads from working and caring from animals slipped gently over Samantha’s forehead and eyebrows. Eyelids, the bridge of her nose, slight curve of her cheek. Backs of Kris’s fingers followed the jawline and brushed the lips. Kris had learned how to read braile, he would have to learn how to see what people looked like by his hands as well.

„No horns or anything repulsive. You still appear to be a human, so why should I give up on our friendship? And if you are lost, then that same sentence also says that there is a way out of whereever you’re lost. You have done something I respect – stepped up for those you love, protected your family. Could I do the same in the similar situation? Would I have such courage? All that has only showed how lucky I was to be able to get to know you in the first place and even prouder to be able to call you a friend.“
Kris’s thumb slid slowly over Samantha’s cheek as he offered the girl an arrogant smile that was ather characteristic for him before pulling her to sit next to him, draping an arm loosely over her shoulders: “It takes a lot more than saying you have changed to get rid of me. I’m not othe same person you left last year either. Can’t say my personality has turned for the better really.“

[Samantha Driscoll]

She listened, staring at his face, trying to read him, understand him, and finding she didn’t need to make much of an effort – enigmatic as Kris could be – he had acted exactly as she had, without a second thought he had thrown caution to the wind and protected the cousin he loved just as she had protected the brother she loved. "Yes," she told herself, "Yes, I do love him." It was finally a different emotion than this strange numbness that seemed to have taken hold of her so strongly. Then Kris did something that took her completely by surprise and pushed the thought momentarily away from her mind.

She didn’t understand why she felt suddenly elated, but it was so good that he could still touch and hold her after she knew what she had done. She cringed as she remembered the looks from those Ministry workers, the looks in her parents' eyes during their short trial; everybody treated her as if she was filth. She didn’t blame them, she deserved nothing more and she knew it, yet here was Kris, and he didn’t want to get away from her. He wasn't scared or disgusted or pitying, she didn’t know how he felt about her right now to tell the truth, but the warmth that had touched her and reached right to her heart was such an unexpected delighting surprise that Samantha wanted to cry out with happiness. She hadn’t minded his hands on her face at all, for though she wanted to hide from the whole world, she had known she couldn’t do it forever. And Kris didn’t despise her!

She didn’t cry out but instead placed her own fingers in Kris' hair and ran them through it quickly, somehow finding it comforting to do just that, and then she gave a giddy sort of laugh. "It still suits you," she said simply. Then her hand traveled down to his chest and she left them there, enjoying the warm feeling on her hands, then she took one of his held it. Her hand tightened around Kris fingers as she thought about Charles. But then her mind moved to something else as Kris continued talking. She was silent for a few moments, as she thought about people accepting her for what she was and about everyone on this earth being crazy. But if they were, how did they carry on? Did insanity offer one solace as it allowed one to forget? Because if so, she wasn't crazy, for she wasn't happy nor had she forgotten. And what was more; Kris' words and sudden hug had brought a sudden realization to her, and that was that he obviously was reacting differently and wasn't contented to just push everything away like she was. She needed to know why and how he had done that.

"Kris. I'm not ready now to start – to start – I don’t even know what I'm supposed to do. Do you?" she asked. "Don’t answer that if you don't want to," she said quickly. She wasn't even sure she could deal with the answer or whether it would be worse if he said yes or no. "How have you changed Kris?" she asked instead. "Wait," she said urgently, though he had said nothing. "Let me first tell you that I do not know if I can be a good friend now and that you promise that you will tell me only the truth. For the courage I have shown, as you called it, was what you did too, and we would not have done it for anyone else except our relatives. Does that still mean we were brave? And look what I got for what I did. It was wrong! So wrong," she said sadly, leaning a little closer to his chest. "I have never asked anyone for anything before, but you seem to think you can help me or at least talk to me, and now, I see you might now where to start, as if we have been through the same thing and you do not despise me for having been in pris – in there," she said, her words tumbling over each other. She hadn’t realised how many times she had changed the topic.

[kris]

Kris sighed leaning his head against the tree-stump and letting Samantha just let out all of her feelings and doubts. Or at least some of her doubts. Letting Samantha hold onto his hand Kris gave her hand a small comforting squeeze, not minding it really. Samantha’s hands felt a little cold anyway. And her words made Kris think as he just had his head turned straight forward.
„I can’t promise you to never lie to you. Mainly because I don’t always know the ultimate truth. But i will promise that I will always be as honest as possible to you. Or if I don’t think I want to answer truthfully I just won’t answer. That is the most I can promise to you.“

„How have I changed? You should have seen me yesterday. Or even this morning for the matter. I was furious at the world and pouring my anger out at just anyone who crossed my path. I got rather skilled at using hexes despite my current condition,“ Kris shrugged more easily than he was feeling himself, „Until Meredith – she’s one of my legal guardians as I’ll be minor undil Decemer still - came over. It took a couple of rather strong slaps before she dragged away to Hogsmeade to get my hair cut and get me looking presentable again. Supposedly I’m still the same person who I was before the attack deep inside me. So I move around, smile and talk because it’s expected of me. Why I do it? Well, my life isn’t over yet I suppose unlike that hufflepuff girl’s. Just because you were in Azkaban for something I personally admire you for, doesn’t mean you are some kind of a monster now.“

Trying to lighten the conversation Kris suddenly smirked and took on a more teasing voice: „Where I’ll start? Well, I thought about starting with eating in the Great Hall for the first time after the attack. But since I haven’t figured out a way how I know what to put on my plate, I haven’t gotten to that point yet. As for what I’ll doing longer run? Try to take things as they come I think. Try to manage to graduate. I’m rich enough to not have to work, but I don’t know what I’ll be doing. Travel perhaps? At the very least I know that I won’t be joining the Death Eaters anymore. I’m mean enough to want revenge on them for taking my eye-sight.“ Kris smirked maliciously as his fist clenched for a moment. Samantha might have been in a harder position. From who would hse want revenge? From Death Eaters for creating the situation where she had to use Crucio to save his brother? From the Ministry for putting her in Azkaban despite everything else? Form the teachers for not being there and being able to protect her brother like they were supposed to? It wasn’t a one-sided question and there wasn’t only one person who should take the blame.

Kris smiled and let his hand glide over Samantha’s hair soothingly as she spoke about how wrong everything was. How unfair. Since when had life been fair? „When those Death Eaters attacked you had a choice. You either would have let your borther gethurt, perhaps die. Or take action and suffer the consequences yourself. You spent 3 months in jail. Would you have rather you had spent that time shopping, travelling the world while your brother died?
For what exactly was my eye-sight taken? For being young, rich, self-centered and egoistical? For not caring about whales dying somewhere until I can live happily? I hate not being able tos ee, hate, despise, m frustrated and angry. But if i had to choose whether I would ive up Dana’s life or my eye-sight... I don’t think I would have made a different choice if I had known the stakes before-hand. Had you chosen one summer of freedom over your brothers life?
Let’s not turn into Gryffindor now – I was merely protection my possessions not try to be a hero as Dana is a sister for me. MY sister. But everything that doesn’t kill is supposed to make me stronger, right?“

Kris didn’t really expect an answer as he shifted lightly absent-mindedly letting his hand rub Samantha’s to give her some warmth. Could Kris help Samantha? He didn’t really have a clue. What did Samantha need to be healed? Life wasn’t always easy, it wasn’t always harsh either. There were equal portions of satisfaction and joy, laughter tears and blood, surprises and harships in life. The only thing Kris could do was try and help Samantha piece herself back together.

[Samantha Driscoll]

He was stroking her hair. The hair that she curled, straightened, coloured, cut, twisted, so many times she didn’t even now, never finding a style that particularly suited her. It was strange how she hadn’t been feeling cold at all – for the freezing temperature inside her cell at Azkaban made the wind blowing at her seem like nothing but a mild breeze – but now she was starting to feel the cold everywhere but in her head, in fact, exactly were Kris was stroking her. Samantha could never remember having had her hair stroked before. Never even by a boyfriend and she'd had a few during her days at Hogwarts. It felt wonderful, perhaps more so than anything she felt in her life. It made her feel wanted and warm inside. She wondered how he was able to give her that – for she knew Kris was hurting inside after what he had said about his black tears and the black veil that had estranged him from a world where he'd had almost everything one could wish for. "That's enough for me Kris, because now I'm starting – now I'm starting with you all over again – I don’t want to live like I did before – deceiving myself and everyone else – because now, well, now, I don’t have anything more I could lose." As saddening as the thought was, Kris' closeness and warmth had the effect of lessening that sadness so that she didn’t lose herself in it.

So she listened to him attentively, hearing words which comforted her, and gave her hope. And perhaps for the first time since she was born, Samantha was at peace with a decision, she, and she alone, had made. Maybe she shouldn’t have used Crucio on that Death Eater – but would she have left her brother and not tried to save him just so she wouldn’t have gone to Azkaban? A thousand times no. She had acted instinctively, acted because inside her she had never stopped loving Charles – dear Charlie – for even a second. These simultaneous revelations were overwhelming and Samantha was panting as if it was she who was racing and not her thoughts. Samantha held Kris' hand in both of her own, feeling the calluses on his palm, scars that hadn’t healed entirely, but no longer hurt him. Was this numbness she had driven herself into really a solution? She gazed at Kris for a long time, and found that the answer to that question was no. She needed to tell him that. "I don’t know if I'm stronger Kris, I just know that I'm different – and that what I did in that class means I'm not who I thought I was. Right, wrong, somewhere in between those two – I don’t know the answer to that, but I do now that you've made me want to find myself Kris – and maybe find - " she hesitated, searching for the right word. "Satisfaction?" Maybe it was the Slytherin in her, because she still didn’t think she deserved complete satisfaction, but she wanted it anyway.

She paused for a minute, then spoke again. "I've been avoiding Charlie you know – I'm scared of what he has to say." She thought about Kris' idea, she could food on a plate – you didn’t need a wand for that. "Kris – so we're going to eat in the Great Hall -" Samantha gulped as she thought about this but continued with her question – "when? I can – I can help you with the food – if you - " She stopped, at a loss for words again. "If you help me face everyone else at our table," she said quickly. She didn’t think anyone would "admire" her as Kris did.

[kris]

Kris curved one of his lip-corners into a small upwards smile as he turned his head and dropped a random kiss on Samantha’s temple. How did he always managed to get into such positions? There were days where he always seemed to have girl crying on his shoulders. It was good if he was able to change into a shirt with dry shoulders on such days. He wasn’t nice, he didn’t really know how to comfort and he mostly just let the girls cry and rant while he didn’t say much. But yet people turned to him for help and advice. How could he really help Samantha? She was the only one who could put her heart and soul back together and free herself from the shackles of fear she herself had created. But if she found something comforting in Kris’s mere presence and the simple words he did know, then Kris was more than happy to offer his company.

“You don’t have anything to loose up to the point when life pulls the carpet away from under your feet once again,” Kris silently remarked his thought flashing back to his own problem. He hadn’t expected to loose his eye-sight. Never had such an idea even crossed his mind - yet he had lost it and it hurt. It was like an old throbbing wound in your side that didn’t exactly always interfere with his life, but it was always there, reminding him of all he had lost, all he would never regain. However Kris pushed all such thoughts forcefully away, knowing Samantha didn’t need any more insecurity in her life. She had enough problems of her own to deal with right now instead of having to listen to Kris’s troubles as well.
“Well, if life is always changing, then we should change accordingly. You deserve every little bit of joy you have in your life and that is something I never want you to forget. Right and wrong… the difference between right and wrong, good and evil is only knife-blade thin and entirely a matter of perspective. Don’t demand yourself to be always right, but rather make sure that you are satisfied and happy with what you do. Best piece of advise I have ever been given,” Kris mused loudly while his mind was already working at an other matter.

He recalled the owl that had surprised him the summer. It wasn’t every day that 3rd year Hufflepuffs – though Charles was now most likely a 4th year – owled Kris asking for help and requesting a visit. “Your brother loves you. He owled me this summer you know, demanding that I help. Saw some of your own character inside him, though I must say that I wasn’t overly charmed with him making demands to me. You already saved his life – save his soul as well. At the very least let him know that you need time for yourself but that you don’t hate him. That you will go and talk to him when you are ready to face him once again. Your little brother is hurting just as much as you. Dana blames herself for my blindness. Charles blames himself for your little summer-trip just the same way,” Kris state calmly, avoiding the word prison having caught Samantha stumbling over the word before, “One smile or a nod of acknowledgement would most likely ease his heart. Family loves you unconditionally, they love you for your mistakes. And such a love is a rare find – are you sure you want to give something so special away because you are scared of saying the words ‘love you’?
As for dining – how about today? Not to mention the fact I’m slightly starving – why push things I will hate doing further away than absolutely necessary? The quicker I get it done, the quicker I can forget about it and move on, don’t you think?” Kris offered a lazy quirk of his lip-corners to Samantha hoping against hope that none of his words had wounded Samantha anymore.

[Samantha Driscoll]

Samantha closed her eyes for a few moments, listening to Kris. Right now, she didn’t know in which direction to go. She wanted him to lead and she to follow, because she had known from the instant he touched her that he didn’t judge her, and because even her brother had this boy was the one who might help her. She refrained from expressing her opinion, mainly because she wasn't sure what it was, not because she didn’t want to say it in front of Kris. She was ready to do something – she knew that now – and she would wait and see what the consequences would be before deciding about right, wrong, satisfaction, and whether she deserved it or not. It all came down to one thing – and that was that her life had completely changed and that she nothing to lose anymore.

And there was also Charles. Had she saved him merely to bring him a new pain as Kris said? At least he loved her – and this was another stunning realisation that filled her with warmth like she had just wrapped herself in a blanket. She'd been scared that all he'd seen from her and her parents might have made him turn there back against them forever. He'd always had his own mind Charles – despite the rejections, the constant disdain they had regarded him with, and the punishments and threats. Kris made it clear to her that she did not want to lose her brother even if she wasn't ready to completely patch up their relationship at the moment. "He's all I have a left for a family. And it's not because I'm afraid of the words Kris, it's because after I came out of – after the summer – I wasn't able to feel anything anymore – I think it was some sort of defence mechanism inside me that I – I don’t know - " she finished with a heavy sigh. It wasn't easy trying to analyse her feelings let alone explain them to someone else. But she found that while it was difficult, it was not impossible.

"Today? Is that not too soon?" asked Samantha, her eyes suddenly filled with fear. She felt an unpleasant chill run down her spine that had nothing to do with the coldness of the weather. She held onto Kris arm very tightly, knowing what he would say before he did as he had already said that they shouldn't wait any longer. "I comforted myself with the idea of tomorrow - only I realise now that for me tomorrow - it never comes…" She brooded on that for awhile, wondering if she would find the courage to face everyone. But she couldn’t let down Kris. Not when he was holding her like this, not when his words where like music to her ears, not when he had eradicated that numbness that had never really left her since she'd been inside Azkaban.

[kris]

Kris pondered over Samantha’s words. She seemed a little less desperate than when she spoke to him for the first time this year. In some ways Kris understood Samantha. Loosing his eye-sight had hurt and it had hurt a lot, it had made him question everything about himself. But at the same time Kris didn’t understand. He had been loved unconditionally by his father, his legal guardians had been the perfect people who still often checked up to make sure Kris was happy and Dana as a sister he had always been able to count on his family no matter what he decided to do. Sure, they might not approve what he decided to do, or tried to talk him out of his plans. But when it came to it, they always stood by his side, so problems like Samantha had weren’t really completely understandable for Kris. He understood it in his head, but his heart couldn’t completely understand it. “Defence mechanisms are good. Don’t forget immune system either, because being ill all the time would be lousy,” Kris drawled absent-mindedly before sighing and rubbing his face with one hand for a moment. “You do know that in normal conditions I wouldn’t do this, right?” Kris asked with a half-muffled tone as his other hand fell on Samantha’s arm and he pinched it gently. Not strong enough to make it hurt but enough to be felt even through layers of clothes before pointing out: “You felt that. And you were worried and sad when you came to talk to me today. You yourself said you were confused. So even if those might not be the cheeriest emotions to feel, you still feel.”

Kris turned his head looking at Samantha thoughtfully as she held tightly onto his arm. She sounded worried… worried and still a bit nervous about making an appearance. Almost hesitant and ready to draw back into her own shell. Kris tilted his head shifting himself and smoothly shifting from sitting on the ground to grouching next to Samantha. Morrigan who had heard the movement poked her head out from underneath Kris’s jacket and a few moments later the kitten ran up Kris’s arm perching herself on Kris’s shoulder again. “Come. Dance with me,” Kris whispered to Samantha pulling the girl to her feet as well as he stood. Taking a few steps away from the tree Kris pulled Samantha after him, twirling her around once before pulling her to him and placing a hand on her waist as Kris led her through a waltz. Humming along lazily Kris started to sing along an old tune he had learned once.
“All roses I'd offer to you
And crown you with tender blooms
There’s no one I’d hold so tender
No one I’d rather know
Than you who you dance with flowers
Than you who you love to live
Than you who you don’t know pain
Don’t know what’s a troubled heart

Yet I don’t have to give you
The one thing you wish to have
Can’t carry you off to sunshine
Can’t offer you clear skies
My life has been full of thorns
How can I offer you blooms?
I only have tears to share
And those from me you don’t accept

I know you will leave me soon
Go offer your smile to an other
I know you don’t really love me
Don’t care about my broken heart
I can’t deny you from going
Have joy in the path yet to go
I will never get that far
Joy will stay a stranger to me

I’ll wonder alone in this world
Your memory keeps me alive
Hiding the tears in my eyes
I will never forget your heart
Real happiness offered so little
But the little is still so dear
But alone and sad I will go
And dream of your spirit and soul,” Kris sang out with only half a voice as he danced with Samantha not bothered by the rain the least. After all everyone should dance in the rain at least once. In a ways it made you think not of yourself, but of life, of dreams, of nature. And somehow it made things feel better. Maybe rain really did mean that angels were crying to wash away the sins of the world. Kris leaned his chin thoughtfully on Samantha’s head hearing the rumbling from his stomach. He hadn’t eaten anything sense 5 in the morning after all. Grinning just a bit wickedly Kris raised his head and smiled at Samantha: “Talk about ruining the moment. I’m afraid that was my stomach, not the Great Hall roof caving in though. Come, adventure with me. And while at it, let’s dine in the Great Hall.” Tilting his head curiously Kris left his right hand resting around Samantha’s shoulders wile tilting his head slightly, “Point me towards the tree? I’ll get my walking cane and jacket and then we can go.”


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The song (known as "All roses I'd give to you" or "Beggars song") belongs to B.Kõrver and his opera called "Only Dreams" I think and the lyrics in estonian were written by A.Liives. I just gave you a rahter rough translation, only making sure there was an equal number of syllabels and the point of the words stayed the same.
It's one of my favourite songs - even htough it usually ends up making me cry - and it's not complete without the melody. So I have uploaded the
song right here if someone wants to listen. The only problem is that it's sang by a woman, while the song is meant for a rather low and rough man's voice. *shrug* Oh well, Siiri Sisask (the singer) has a bit lower sort of voice herself, even though this way the song isn't half as impressive as it is when a man sings it. Oh, and the song is with the original lyrics in estonian.

[Samantha Driscoll]

Samantha stared at him uncomprehendingly, and she jumped slightly when he pinched her but she didn’t move away from him. "You can’t possibly…" she began, and she looked at him and a dark shadow flickered across her eyes that he didn’t see. "Kris, Azkaban was cold," she said, surprised how such a small sentence expressed something that had scared her so much she wished she could just die and be done with it. "And I kept trying to run and hide, but They wouldn’t let me. I thought they'd all joined The Dark Lord's ranks, but it turned out there will still some there. And I wish the walls of that cell had protected me against Them – but they were nothing – They were inside my head all the time – I didn’t want to sleep at times because I was scared they'd get in there even more easily – but then I knew there was really no difference." She was holding onto his shirt, her fists clenched so tightly on the fabric her knuckles were white. It was hard talking about Azkaban, hard saying the word, but it was also something she hadn’t discussed with anyone and it was relieving to get it off her chest.

"I guess I didn’t want to feel anymore – but somehow you changed that," she said, and the shadow cleared. "And whether or not that's the right thing to do, I'm still not sure, but I'm willing to find out, because it seems as if I can’t stay inside the invisible walls I wanted to, Kris," she said, almost accusingly, poking him in the chest. "You wouldn’t let me," she whispered, more to herself than to him. But it was, in reality, she who had asked him first, and let him tell her how he had pulled through his own plight, or at least begun to. He hadn’t, like Samantha, tried to create a world of his own and let no-one in, running wildly around the school at all times of the day thinking that was a way to pass the time and protect herself from even more suffering.

The blood rushed into her head as he pulled her up and she felt a little dizzy as he spun her around but then she just let herself go with the flow. She stepped on his feet a few times as they danced but the knowledge that he wouldn’t care made her smile and just let go of herself. She'd never danced in the rain, never danced without music, and certainly never danced with a blind guy before. It was one of the best things she would ever experience in her life, a moment that would treasure and remember forever. Kris' deep voice echoed across the lake combined with the sound of her laughter, as she danced without thinking about the steps but rather how she wanted to move. It was very different than any dance she'd danced before, but deeply satisfying and enjoyable, which was ironical since the words of the song were rather sad.

When they finished Samantha threw her arms round his neck and hugged him to her very tightly. I want to feel again she realised, and her heart was throbbing with not only nervousness but also a little excitement. She also wanted to say "Don’t ever leave me," to Kris but didn’t. Kris and Samantha were, after all, Slytherins and while she didn’t know why she couldn’t say it, her hug said it all. She let him go after a few moments and got him his stick and jacket, then placed her arm around his waist, more to feel his support than to support him, and gazed at the Hogwarts castle before them, waiting for him to take the first step.

[kris]

Kris let Samantha talk without comments, almost sensing that it was something she had to share. Something she had to tell to start accepting what had happened while Kris tried to understand. Tried to understand the pain of all your past deeds, all the people you had ever known even your own thoughts screaming back at you while making you want to run and hide from everything. It was really a wonder Samantha had pulled through as well as she had. But Kris couldn’t only be grateful for that.
Kris grinned as he listened to Samantha’s laughter a few minutes later. Yes, Samantha had definitely pulled through much better than could even be hoped. She was a pretty girl and smart so Kris was relatively sure that in no time Samantha would learn to enjoy life again. He did recall that Samantha had danced and danced well even if her almost childish glee showed that she hadn’t really danced in the rain before. Well, there was still the small matter of getting Samantha and Charles talking as well as he had pretty much promised to do that as well, as family was irreplaceable and Charles might be good for Samantha. That could wait however. And if nothing had happened by the end of the school-year Kris would simply be forced to kidnap them both and keep them locked up in his castle until they were mad enough at him to start talking and co-operating together again. Kris winced mentally at the thought. He would have to talk Dana into doing it rather though. It would most likely take one sentence from Samantha and Kris couldn’t hold his own. He had always had a soft spot inside himself for girls, especially sad girls.

Kris caught Samantha as the dance ended and dropped a brotherly kiss on her temple.
“Next time you get scared or tired throw caution at the wind and buy a plane-ticket to Italy and I promise to keep everyone you don’t want to see out of the land I own. You can go to the sea-shore with it’s golden sand and curl up on a soft white blanket in the shade of a palmtree while the sea in front of your gaze is so crystal clearly blue and the rays of sunshine keep you warm,” Kris told Samantha very seriously holding her in a tight embrace, “I can’t make bad memories leave. I can’t build a wall in your head separating them form you, but I can make sure that you will have some good memories to cherish as well.”
Letting Samantha go Kris made a sweeping bow accepting his cane and jacket. “Thank you my dear lady,” Kris said taking the cane into his left hand and throwing the jacket easily over his left arm as well. Placing his own arm around Samantha’s shoulders Kris paused for a moment. Samantha didn’t show much excitement about starting their way towards the castle however as Kris smirked lazily. Morrigan gave a small meow and Kris took the first step pulling Samantha along. “It will be alright. Or am I supposed to sprout some sickeningly sweet words of wisdom right now about moments of truth and whatever else?” Kris murmured softly to Samantha as they crossed the grounds towards the Hogwarts castle that must have been looming in front of them.