Strength In Solitude ((Closed))

[Ariane Chan]

Ariane had hidden herself in her usual spot under the large tree by the Lake for several hours, her body still and motionless. Since she had stormed out of the Great Hall that morning, she had sat herself down here and done nothing else but stare out at the peaceful scenery. Her legs tucked up to her body defensively, Ariane savoured the alone time to herself, ignoring the fact she had missed quite a few lessons and would probably be punished for it. Perhaps they’d see the sympathetic side of things, as they would no doubt by now know about the accident, and she planning on leaving the day after tomorrow. Even if she got detention now, Ariane wouldn’t care anyway. Things like detention just didn’t hold enough significance in life. What were grades and marks? What was the point of hard work? It couldn’t bring her mother back. Nothing would.

Ariane was alerted to a soft plod of footsteps heading her way, and recognised them immediately. She had expected this person to find her here, as judging from the glowing sun in the sky overhead, it was the afternoon, and students would be out of lessons already for lunch. Ariane was aware of a girl sitting down next to her on the grass to her right, a plate in her hands as she watched her silently. Ariane made a point of disregarding her presence, neglecting to greet her concerned friend as she continued to stare passively out at the Lake. “Eat.” Suddenly the plate Aurora was holding was shoved before Ariane, and Aurora placed it carefully on the grass before her. Producing a knife and fork, she lay them gently beside the food, before looking back at Ariane with pleading eyes. “Eat.” She repeated firmly again.

Ariane merely slowly shook her head, only giving the food a slight glance before looking away again with a hint of revulsion in her eyes. Her stomach just wanted to be sick, but since there was no food in it to repel, she couldn’t vomit. She didn’t want to give herself that opportunity, and she certainly didn’t feel like eating either. Ariane had long lost her appetite. “But you didn’t have breakfast this morning.” Aurora suddenly burst into protests, frustrated and desperate at the situation Ariane was putting herself in. “I refuse to let you starve to death, and sneaking the whole plate out was hard enough. Don’t let my efforts go to waste.” Ariane knew well enough that Aurora wouldn’t blame her for “wasting her efforts”; she just wanted to make sure she ate by bribing her and making her feel guilty about it. Ariane knew that Aurora knew it was hopeless now. Aurora had been reserving hope that she’d get through to her cousin, but knew that it was pretty much a lost case.

Aurora always cared so much. Always understood her so well. And for the first time since a year, Ariane was pushing her away. Still she could tell Aurora appreciated this and didn’t blame her for it, and she was so sorry for what she was doing. Ariane couldn’t help it. She had yet to shed tears on her mother’s death, and she didn’t want to. She could barely accept that fact, and also didn’t want to. A part of Ariane wondered how Harmony was coping. She was so sensitive, delicate, fragile. Like a butterfly. How was the poor thing? Had Aurora seen her? Did she attend her morning classes? Ariane refrained from burying her hurting head in her lap. What if Harmony would get into trouble? Ariane didn’t care less if she did, but if the teachers upset her sister anymore than she already was, she’d be angry as well as depressed. She didn’t want to go beat up a professor; she’d probably be expelled. Ariane wanted to ask Aurora about it all, but couldn’t bring herself to break her silence just yet.

Ariane needed time. She needed a lot more time. Ariane needed time she didn't have.

[Ariane Chan]

Aurora heaved a helpless sigh as she stared in silence at her best friend, wallowing in her deep misery. “Fine, I know you won’t eat.” She acknowledged defeat soon after, dragging the food towards her and popping a small piece of it in her own mouth, although she was not hungry at all. Aurora had an inkling Ariane had still not wept for her mother yet, and although people would have called that cold-hearted, insensitive, and unloving, Aurora knew very well that Ariane was doing all she could to keep the pain at bay for now. This was the only way she could possibly cope for the next two days, and Aurora was very sure that when her cousins got to London, Ariane would cave. Cave so much she may never be the same again. And Aurora was so scared she wouldn’t be able to be there to help her. Aurora usually stayed with her best friend most of the time, save during the night and some lessons, of course, but now she and Harmony would be gone for a few days, and god knows what Ariane was capable off when left to her own devices.

“You can’t eat the food for me, you know.” Ariane stated with a sigh finally, turning to glance at Aurora with a trace of amusement in her features. After a heavy pause, Ariane gave another long sigh before closing her eyes and leaning back onto the tree she was leaning against, a tired expression on her face. “I’m sorry, Rora.” Ariane whispered, putting a hand to her face as if covering it to shield others from seeing something secret.

“I know.” Aurora murmured in understanding, leaning forward to take Ariane’s free hand in hers, squeezing it reassuringly. She couldn’t do much for her best friend right now, except be there for her. Nothing else left to give. How many people in this world felt helpless right now? These girls were just another two out of many millions, and Aurora could feel that vulnerability conjoined with everyone else’s. “What are you going to do now?” Aurora suddenly asked after a long silence where all that could be heard was the soft howling of the wind against the trees.

Ariane initially did not answer her best friend, until she let her hand drop from her face and reopened her eyes to let them settle on the Lake, blank and empty glass balls with no emotion. “I… don’t know.” She admitted quietly, pushing her legs closer to her body as if she was trying to keep warm. Her body on the outside was just the right temperature, but her insides felt like frozen glaciers of ice, unwilling to be thawed. Ariane didn’t want her heart to melt and drip away along with everything else. “I guess… I know… Rora. I know I’m going to break.” Ariane turned her dark gaze on her best friend; her eyes were dry, but she very much wanted to burst into incontrollable tears. “I know it. Feel it. Do you feel it?” Ariane whispered to the wind as her voice was lost in it, carried away to rest with the other sounds that mingled in the afternoon breeze. “Do you feel it?”

[Ariane Chan]

“I… feel it.” Aurora agreed softly, gripping Ariane’s cold hands tighter, not wanting to ever let her go. She wasn’t lying when she said she could; in fact, Aurora felt that her best friend was breaking already; breaking since that very morning. Although Ariane admitted to this, Aurora could still feel a bitter determination not to let her father get to her this one last time, and worried that the fourth year Gryffindor would do something ridiculous to convince herself that she was strong enough to handle this on her own. Because she couldn’t. Aurora believed in Ariane, but she also knew Ariane, and Ariane was not strong enough for this. She may feel she would be, but…

“Aurora.” Ariane suddenly spoke up, holding securely onto her best friend’s hand, “Promise me something.” Her eyes continued to stare outwards at seemingly nothing.

“Anything.” Aurora nodded firmly.

“If… If anything ever happens to me, whether it be today, tomorrow, next week, next year… Promise me that you’ll look after Harmony as if she were your own sister. Promise me, Aurora.” Ariane’s voice turned more powerful, more desperate as she spoke, and it took all her being to stabilise it so she wasn’t shouting at her best friend.

“Um…” Aurora frowned deeply, not sure what Ariane was trying to say. Was she trying to hint at suicide? Fear made her blood ran cold. “Promise me something first.” Aurora tried not to stammer, afraid of what Ariane was turning into but not able to do anything but stand by and watch. “Promise me you’ll never do anything stupid, and you know what I mean, Ariane Chan.” Aurora stared at her cousin intensely, almost shaking her hand for approval. “Ari, promise me first, and I’ll promise you yours.”

There was a long silence, until Ariane broke it with a soft whisper, “I promise.”

“Thank you. I promise you too. You should know even without promising you I would do that. All of my family would. Harmony is already like a sister to me.” Aurora admitted with a tender smile, pushing fears about Ariane away for now. “You are family, remember?”

It had been a long time since the word family had meant anything to Ariane, but nonetheless the loving phrase was comforting, though she didn’t say it out loud. She then turned to Aurora slowly, staring straight into her similar dark eyes, boring through her skull and past her head into nothingness. “Thank you.” Ariane whispered before slumping back into the tree and relaxing her tense shoulders. “Rora, can you sing a song for me please?” she whispered again after a short while, her throat feeling hoarse now.

“Course. Which one?”

“All That I’m Living For.”

“… Are you sure about that?”

“Yeah.”

“… Okay then.” Taking a deep breath, Aurora began to sing softly to her best friend with a sorrowful expression on her face, the tune riding on the breeze to gently caress Ariane’s sensitive, expectant ears. This song had been written by Ariane actually, but the song itself had been composed by Aurora for her. It was one of the few Ariane had ever help make, unlike Harmony, who did it frequently, and it meant something very special to Ariane. As the words touched her, she closed her eyes again and listened to Aurora’s voice which sang out what her heart screamed from within.

“All that I'm living for, all that I'm dying for, all that I can't ignore alone at night.

I can feel the night beginning. Separate me from the living.
Understanding me, after all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together, find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.

All that I'm living for, all that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for, although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

I believe that dreams are sacred. Take my darkest fears and play them,
Like a lullaby, like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions, make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself, so I won't be lost again.

All that I'm living for, all that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for, although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me, to be the one.
I could have run forever, but how far would I have come without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for, all that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for, although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.

Should it hurt to love you? Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door? My ghosts are gaining on me.”