Some Unspoken Feelings ((Jack))

[Mackenzie Holden]

I didn't come into this school to get my feelings all muddled up, and I didn't come into this school to be someone entirely different who wasn't me. I came into this school to learn, and learn I mean to do. I wasn't aware, however, that Hogwarts also had courses in; rebellion, heartbreak, anger, and hatred. Now I see that it does, and I have been taking those lessons ever since. These courses have so many things to learn in them and I haven't even began to cover all the criteria. It's so overwhelming at times. I make it through though, that's like the only thing that makes me a Holden. I don't give up and I don't give in. I try my hardest, and when it doesn't work out like I want it to, I still don't give up- but I alter my strategy.

Now, I as I step back and take a look at my life; I realised that my strategy has been way off. My strategy needs to be altered, horribly. I just don't know which way to alter it. I think I should be approaching the people in my life a totally different way, but I only know one way and that way just doesn't seem to work- now does it? If it did, I wouldn't have this dillemma. My mind doesn't like to work well in closed quarters, it doesn't work at all when people are around me. So, I am now trying to think as hard as I can in an empty classroom. My mind racing like a race track, a million horses running around and around; leaving hoofprints in the dirt. All I want to do is erase them, too. Nothing seems to calm me anymore, I'm always off. In a fury, in an emotional frenzy, in hatred, in hurt, in kindness. I can't sit still any more and I know it's driving some of my friends wild- but there really isn't anything I can do.

I'm sitting on the windowsill of an empty classroom, my feet propped up against the wall, and my head leaning against the window pane which is sending off a rhythmic hum from the rain which is pouring down the side. My eyes are fixated on the moon and it's brilliant glow, for some reason the moon has always calmed me. If only a little bit. At the moment my emotions can't be controlled, and I pity he who stumbles upon me in such a horrible mood... At that moment, the door to the classroom opened and in stepped Jack Rendel. Speak of the devil. I wonder where this argument will go? Mack continued to look out the window, wondering if Jack even noticed this room was occupied. When he didn't say anything right away, Mack snapped; "No company wanted, thanks."

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack had went to bed with his head buzzing. He wasn't sure how he should feel anymore. Jack felt like there wasn't anything to feel anymore. He was very confused; his head hurt, his body ached. He laid in bed for hours, listening to the steady fall of the rain. It put his mind to peace, but with every drop he felt as if he was losing some of himself. He wasn't sure why he felt this way. Actually, he did know but he didn't want to face it. That was his problem.

He had friends all over the place: Gryffs, Hufflepuffs and Ravens. He was starting to think that the Sorting Hat had put him in the wrong House. This wasn't normal for a Slytherin. To make friends that are mudbloods and halfbloods, dirty purebloods; it just didn't make sense. He had never had this problem in his first two years; he had always been to himself. But now, everyone seemed to be everywhere, and Jack was right in the middle of it. He sighed and rolled over on his bed, closing his eyes and wishing for sleep to come. It never did.

Giving up, Jack got off of his bed and out the common room. The rain was still falling, but as Jack looked out a window in the passageway he was walking in, he could see the moon quite clearly. This surprised him, but he didn't take any time to look at it any farther. He stalked down a different hallway and then a different one, letting his feet go anywhere they wanted Jack turned a corner and walked into a empty classroom. At least, it seemed empty. Jack stood there, looking at the figure in the window. Who the hell...? He didn't have time to wonder any longer, as the person talked. It was a familiar voice; it was Mack. Jack wasn't in the mood for a pleasant conversation, he needed to take this out on someone. Mack didn't seem very excited on seeing him either. Jack decided he would stay.

"Sorry, but I want company, and I'm staying right where I am, thanks." He sat down in a chair and stared up at her. Or rather, up at the window. It was a full moon, and the rain was light up in a strange glow. It made him calm down, just a little. Calm enough not to through an insult at Mack. Just the calming of the mind that they were trying to teach him in Divination. Something he could never do until now. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wasn't going to say anything more until Mack spoke.

[Mackenzie Holden]

"You don't want my company, not now anyway." My voice sounds so nasty, and I don't mean it to be. I need to disappear for awhile, see if anyone notices I'm gone. Doubtful. Mack got off the windowsill and strolled around the room, dragging her finger along the wall. My plans never work out, everything falls to shambels and I can't fix it. Life is horrible, I hate it. I don't want to live it anymore. Nothing worth living for. She felt tears appear in her eyes, but she quickly blinked so they wouldn't fall. Then anger came.

"Who do you think you are, Jack?! Answer that honestly, for me will you? Do you think you can just walk all over someone?" Of course he does, he's a Slytherin. I do the same, there's nothing I can help with that little problem. Slytherin's are destined to be alone, I guess I'm destined to be alone, and miserable. I wonder where everyone else will be in 10 years. It's quite intriquing to think about it. Mack sighed and walked back to the window, staring at the moon again, waiting for his answer. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't answer me at all, I wouldn't be surprised if he walked out of the room in anger, but I wouldn't like it. I'm confused and I want to know, and since my old strategy didn't work; I am approaching this in a different way.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack heard Mack say something about not wanting her company. He shook his head for an answer, but didn't make any sudden movements toward the door. I'm going to stay here, whether she liked it or not. If she wanted to leave, she can but I'm staying here! He watched as Mack stood up and walked around the classroom. Her question startled him, but he knew the right answer.

"I think I'm Jack Rendel, a boy who is better than everyone else because of his father and thinks he can walk over people." He said in the nastiest tone of voice he could muster. He sighed and then said, in a much nicer voice: "Actually, I don't think I can walk over people. People walk over me! I have no say in the damn matter; my father made sure of that!" Jack paused and took a deep breath.

"I feel... lost... I don't know who to turn to or what to think. I feel like people don't appreciate what I do, instead they just blow it up in my face!" Jack got up and started pacing. He couldn't stay still.

[Mackenzie Holden]

"And whose fault is that, Jack? Who let your father walk all over you? No one except yourself." She told him in a 'duh you already know this' tone of voice. Hypocrite!! I am a hypocrite!! Here I am telling him that he could have done something to stop the abuse, when I can do something to stop the abuse...when I could make my life better. Who am I telling him where to get off?!

Mack let out a wavering sigh as she watched him pace, "Whether you like it or not, you have to deal with things. You're lost and confused because you aren't letting yourself lead you down that path. You're letting other people. More and more you become like your father, and you despise that- you wish it would never happen. Well, hate to break it to you, but it's going to happen." She told him coldly, "You can't escape it. No one can. I'm becoming more and more like Dix, you saw that. I never call someone a mutt, but since I was practically raised by my sister- I'm becoming her." And I hate it! I hate it so much! I don't want to be Dix, I want to be me...but I don't know who me is...

"You might not see it, but I do. You walk over people, intentionally or not but you still do it. But then you turn around and you befriend those who aren't worthy of friendship? What the hell?!" She knew what his retaliation might be, she kissed a Ravenclaw; "Yes. I've made mistakes, we all have, but unlike some I learn from my mistakes. You might believe that you can do this, but you can't. Your life isn't controlled by you anymore, you let that go, it's controlled by...well...I don't know..." She trailed off, losing her train of thought, "I don't know..." She said again.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack listened to Mack's whole, this is what to do, thing. He knew it was the truth, but he wouldn't let himself face it. He would never- he could change this, somehow, someway. Jack felt like he needed to talk to someone that knew what he was going through. It couldn't be Mack, she had her own problems. It would have been his sibling that he never had. Mack couldn't understand him full well as Jack had thought she could. They were so different, yet so alike.

Mack's words were making Jack go into a horrible wave of fresh fury. At himself, no less, but he wanted to take it out on the person who had told him what he was doing. Mack. He wanted to walk over and give her some physical pain, but he couldn't, she was one of his best friends.... Jack had his fists clenched in balls, the attack on Mack was so tempting...his nails were drawing blood from his palms but he didn't care.

"It's from a certain point of view-who is worthy and who is not. And right now, the only view I am taking into consideration is my own." Jack snarled. He started toward the door. He paused a few feet away from it. "I better leave.... I don't want to be talking to Dixie Holden. I'd rather talk to Mack." He said with a glance over his shoulder. Jack didn't want to leave, but it might be better if he did; his palms were bleeding profusely now, and he wasn't sure how long he could hold the monster inside of him back.

[Mackenzie Holden]

"Take a good look, Jack! This IS me! I am Mack! You have never seen this side before! You've seen me hurt, you've seen me confused, you've seen me giddy, hell you've seen me tipsy! You have yet to see the side of me that remains to be Holden!" She hollered at him, her blood pumping hot. She wanted to strangle him, but she wouldn't. Mack glanced down at his balled fists and shook her head in disgust, "Get over here, I may be mad at you but I'm still bloody well your friend." She grabbed his arm and sat him down on the windowsill.

She wrapped his hands up and continued to shake her head, "If you want to leave, go ahead. But keep in mind, that you're only proving my point of you being a coward. Go ahead, run from who you really are, after all isn't that so much easier than letting you out?" Mack asked in sarcasm. She sighed and looked at him, "Show me the real Jack Rendel, because all I'm looking at is a phoney." This room is full of fakes... she htought dryly. She just wanted to be able to scream at him, without thinking, like she had by the lake. And she wanted him to scream back.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack let Mack wrap up his hands. He was grateful she did - they were really starting to hurt. He looked down at the floor after Mack was done speaking. He decided to tell her the truth.

"Being brave is very hard when you have to hide from yourself!" Jack said dryly. "The real Jack Rendel has been hidden away for three long years. You don't want to see the real one." Jack paused and then looked back at Mack. "I'm a monster, Mack. I thrive in hurting people and seeing them in pain. I'm uncontrollable, I even scare myself. It has always been inside of me. My father knew it and wanted to bring it out. He seceded in that and I have been trying to go back to normal. I don't want to be...me. That's why I never get angry. I don't want to risk it. You don't want to see the real me. I don't want to see it either."

Hot tears sprang into his eyes but he wiped them away angrily. I am a coward. I'm afraid of myself. Why was he telling Mack this? She would probably scoff at him, wouldn't believe him. But it was the truth. And Jack hated it.

[Mackenzie Holden]

"Hey," Mack told him, tilting her head at him; her blue eyes concerned, "I don't ask if I don't want. And the only way to stop fearing, is to face your fear. No matter how hard it is." She said in a soft voice. She sounded so much like Kristie, it was frightening. Mack shook her head and continued to speak, "Everyone has a side they have to let loose at times. No matter how horrid that side is, no matter how frightening, or wild. The side which is hidden, needs to be shown to at least someone. And you've already let...Bee...see it," She breathed in sharply and tried to think of something more to say, "You can't hide from yourself forever."

"You may be like the incredible hulk," She referred to a muggle comic book character, "but there's a side that you have to let go. Like he did. Just as long as you don't turn big and green, i should be alright. Hell comes in all forms, remember? And you aren't a monster, you're a human being. With emotions, and those emotions can't afford to be ruined. If someone steps all over you, let them know it. You can be sadistic, you know that right? Your anger is the reason why the sorting hat put you in Slytherin. People say that it's because of your blood and stuff like that, but that's bull. The hat looks at all your personalities, and finds which one you are most compatible for."

"You have to live with what you got, and make use of what you can. You can't afford to lock yourself away because of your anger or a secret, you have to be free and be yourself or something inside you dies. And you can't ever get it back..."

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack breathed in deeply, his anger boiling down. He forced himself to listen to what Mack had to say. He knew she was right, but the harder part would be doing it. He wouldn't hold himself back though. Not anymore. Mack made sense, in a way. When Jack listened closer to what she had to say, he understood it. It was like reading behind the lines. You had to guess some of it. Jack knew Mack was trying to help him even though she hadn't said anything on the matter.

"You're right, Mack. I need to become...like that Hulk person. Whoever that is..." He smiled, his mood had lightened considerably. "The only person who saw it was Bee, like you said. She deserved it though. She makes me so angry sometimes..." While they were on the subject of Bee, something came to his mind.

"Mack," He said slowly. "You don't think Bee's my girlfriend, do you?" Jack remembered his talk with Mary. She had seemed convinced on the subject. And Mary had said that the person who was filling her in on the subject had been Mack.... He turned his gaze sharply to Mack, awaiting her answer.

[Mackenzie Holden]

Mack blinked then smiled slowly, while ticking her head lightly to the left, "I don't think she's your girlfriend. I just think you care a lot about her, more than you probably know." She answered slowly, digesting each word as if it were something she had to take great care in saying. She sighed and tucked some hair behind her ear before continuing, "I mean, after all, you were very excited to see her at Hogsmeade, and then the whole...shack thing..." Mack's voice lowered to a whisper.

"What made you ask that?" She asked, raising her eyebrow perfectly.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack smiled too. "Well, what would you have done? Let her die in the shack? And as for being excited to see her, I was excited to see you two meet each other. I thought it might be a battle of some kind, like that battle with that idiot Brooke." He said with much meaning. Jack smirked at Mack's question though.

"Mary." He said simply. "She has a way getting to people, doesn't she?" He asked, the smile back on his face.

[Mackenzie Holden]

Mack thought this over, "Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know, would I have gotten paid?" She asked with a cheery upbeat smile. She laughed and leaned her head against the wall, her eyes closed and thinking. Mack hated thinking at times, but there were times when it was welcomed.

"She has a way of getting to people sure, but she never lies. She says the truth, she's honest. Sadistic, but honest. I did mention something about you and Bee to her, and I did give my opinion. I just dind't expect her to confront you about it. Did she chew you out like she did me?" Mack laughed lightly at that memory, what a Slyth Mary was.

"Oh, and for your info, I didn't argue with Bee because of one reason. You. Though now that I know you wanted an argument, I wish I could rewind time. I want a good argument right about now." She added as an after thought, she chuckled lightly and looked at him with one eye opened.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack smiled at Mack. He had thought that he had heard Mary lie before. Something about perfect. "When I was talking to her, she told me she was perfect. I guess that was the sadistic side, right?" Jack laughed lightly."She chewed me up and then spit me out!" He laughed again and looked out the window. Rain was still pouring out there. The moon was shining brilliantly. It made his spirits lighten even more. He felt much better than when he had come in here.

"It's funny to see Bee get mad and attempt to argue. It's like she can't defend herself, which makes me laugh at her a lot. And that makes her even more mad and it goes on and on until someone gets hurt." He shifted his sitting position and then looked at Mack.

"So, why were you in such a bad mood? I already told you why I was, now you tell me."

[Mackenzie Holden]

"Mary is perfect...she just doesn't let it show." She said defensively, she then shook her head with a small laugh. "Mary is my best friend, she's a great person but she has a poisonous tongue." Mack added with another shake of her head. She stood up and raised her arm above her head, stretching the tension out. She jumped and rotated her shoulders backwards before commenting on his Bee comment.

"She wouldn't be a Gryff if she didn't attempt to argue. And then fail. All Gryffs think they are capable of succeeding in everything. Bunch of mudbloods they are, incompetent ones at that. I hate the lot of them." She spoke nastily, this new Mack was rather refreshing, though she was shocking herself out of her skull. She wondered if she were doing the same to Jack. THen he asked another question, and a small sadistic smile appeared on the lips of Mack.

"I'm not in a bad mood exactly, I just hate thinking. And I have been thinking a lot lately, and I haven't anyone to talk to about it. I can't talk to you, because there is no way you could understand. And I can't talk to Mary because I don't see her enough. I can't talk to Dix, she would laugh me clear to Jupiter, of course i would argue I'm already there but oh well." She answered, not really wanting to talk about why she was in a bad mood.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack smirked at Mary. "I'm afraid no one is...even though I would like to be." He added with a small smile. Perfect would be great, but I'm the last thing from perfect. I have a father who hates my guts and a mother who left when I was very little. No siblings whatsoever. Not the greatest life one could live. No I just need something surprising to happen that will make my heart stop. The thought amused him. But what would surprise him? Mack's next words were very surprising to Jack; he had never heard her speak that way.

"Gryffindors are my least favorite type of people. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing...befriending a mudblood. I knew it would be against my record and all, but it didn't seem so bad when I did it." He gave a diverse laugh. "Seems like you and Mary are making me mightily confused about how I should be."

"Try me." Jack demanded instantly after Mack said that she couldn't. He thought about what she had said earlier, about him walking over people. That was what he was doing again. "I mean, if you want. You don't have to..." He added rather sheepishly.

[Mackenzie Holden]

"No one can answer that though except you. You have to choose which path you go down, just, uh keep in mind; if you choose the wrong one, Mary and I will be on your case all the time." Mack gave him a teasing smile as she said this, but she was far from teasing. If he did plan on progressing in his little, befriend mudbloods campaign then Mack would give him hell, and lots of it. She had enough to spare after all.

Mack had to laugh though at his sudden demand, but he seemed sorry for it; she didn't want him to be weak, and that's what he was turning into; "Bossy aren't you? Well, I guess I could tell you one thing that's bothering me. Though you're probably sick of my whole family problems, and I wouldn't want you to be extremely repulsed by my essescive talking about Molly Hanner. So why try? Then I could tell you the other thing, but that concerns you, and I am not sure I want to talk to you about that right now. Oh my choices are so damn hard." She spoke all this with a sarcastic tone of voice, but a smile remained on her face, "And, the demanding; I like it. Gives you edge." She told him with a bigger smile.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack grinned at Mack. "I'm sure you two are Hell together! You and Mary. If you two would come up to me with a mean look on your faces than I might just run for it!" He teased gently. His face turned sour however on the mentioning of the Molly Hanner girl.

"Still worried about her, are you? Maybe it was all just a mishap or something like that...." Jack didn't want to add that Mack was lucky in an odd way. She could be a different person with a different family. She could be. That didn't mean she was but still...she had a distinct possibility. Jack had none whatsoever. He was a Rendel and there was no stopping that. He frowned at Mack.

"Why is the Molly Hanner thing bothering you so much? And is that the part about Dixie laughing you to Jupiter?" Jack asked with a small smile.

[Mackenzie Holden]

Mack took out four pictures, one of Dix, one of Derreck, one of Pam, and one of Kristie Hanner. She spread them out in front of Jack and raised her eyebrow, "Who do I look like more? The copper heads or the goldie locks?" She asked in a 'you've got to be kidding me' type of voice.

"Why is this bothering me?! My world could disappear in a second if this is all true. It would explain a lot. What am I saying, I didn't expect you to understand. You're too afraid to run from your father let alone help me run from mine." Mack spoke quietly, yet for some reason her voice rang loud and clear.

"Jack this means a lot! This means I was born from a half-blood. Kristie Hanner was adopted into my moms family. She wasn't a witch. Her husband was, but not her. Jack, if I am Molly Hanner- I shouldn't be in Slytherin." Mack spoke harshly at him. She dodged the question about Jupiter however.

"Forget it though. It's not worth my worry, is it?" She packed up the pictures and leaned against the wall, her bad mood returning.

[Jack Rendel S5]

Jack watched with interest as Mack pulled out pictures of her family...and someone else. He knew that must be Kristi Hanner, with the golden hair. He smiled at Mack, looking at her as if to say: Well it's obvious, isn't it? "The goldie locks most diffenintly." He told her, still looking at the pictures. Mack did look just like the woman...it could just be a coincidence. Jack was jerked out of his thoughts by Mack's comment on running away from his dad.

"I have tried before." Jack told her sourly. "I can run, but there's nowhere to hide." He turned away from her. "You just wouldn't understand what my father's like. He's almost...everywhere. There's no escaping from him." Jack spat. He thought about what Mack said though. Something about she shouldn't be in Slytherin if her mom is Kristi Hanner, since she was a muggle.

"Well, no need to worry about that, since you are in Slytherin. The Sorting Hat thought you belonged there and that's where he put you. Even if she was your mother, you said yourself that the blood stuff isn't the real reason for being in Slytherin. It's the attitude." Jack spoke more softly this time. Mack seemed worried on this subject and he didn't want her to act up again.